by Kiru Taye
Once, he’d been a carefree young man whose only concern had been of living a full life and having fun. Then, one reckless moment had sent his world crashing.
The death of this older brother, Obi, had devastated him. Broken him.
There had been several times afterwards when he’d felt he shouldn’t be alive. That he should’ve been the one to die. The one lying six-feet under the earth. The one being eaten by worms and turning into dust.
He straightened his shoulders as he exited the admin building, not allowing his guilt to overwhelm him. He’d become good at hiding beneath his cloak of responsibility. Of pretending everything was okay on the outside, when on the inside, pain shredded through him on a daily basis. It proved tougher maintaining the same strong exterior at the end of a long day dealing with teenagers than it did at the start of the day when his energy levels stood at their highest.
As much as the students drained him, they also gave him purpose. Gave him a reason to get out of bed in the morning. More than anything else, he never wanted to disappoint the people who’d come to rely on him so much. The respect and admiration they projected onto him made him stand taller and even more determined.
On some days like today, the tension returned to his muscles along with a pounding headache. Nothing could shake his self-loathing. Or his wish to go back and change things. A luxury he couldn’t be granted.
He settled for making amends any way he could, which included taking this work placement as a teacher, even though it had never been something he wanted to do. His father owned one of the largest property development firms in Nigeria. He didn’t need to work elsewhere to earn money. Not to mention that he was studying Architecture and Design for his Bachelor’s degree program.
His parents had been adamant; his father, especially. If he truly wanted to make amends for his offences, then he had to do whatever it took.
Perhaps his redemption came in the form of finding love and the right girl in the last place he would’ve looked. Every time he looked upon her face, he felt as if a star burst inside of him.
“See you tomorrow, Mr. Thomas,” Mrs. Bello, another teacher greeted.
As the head of Year Twelve, she mentored him and he reported to her. The woman was like a mother figure to the year group, well-liked and respected. But she insisted on addressing him formally, so he returned the gesture.
“Good night, Mrs. Bello,” he replied as he unlocked his sporty, starlight blue Toyota GT Primo. He tossed his satchel on the passenger seat and lowered his body into the car. He was a tall man but he loved the low suspension and riding with his car hugging the tarmac so close. Although his love for fast cars had gotten him into trouble, he couldn’t shake this one addiction. He just didn’t drive as recklessly as he used to as a teenager.
He pulled out of the parking lot onto the road. It was early dusk, the sun low on the horizon. The air-conditioner hummed gently and Afro beat music from his iPod filled the interior. He cruised towards the junction of the quiet street with the school, slowed further when he noticed a group of male students in the corner. He rolled his window down to instruct them to disperse. It wasn’t dark yet but would be in about half an hour. Students weren’t permitted to loiter around the premises after school hours.
Just as he leaned across and was about to call out the names of the boys he recognised, he saw the girl they had crowded against the wall.
Lara Johnson.
His blood froze. What was she doing hanging around with these boys? He knew enough about them. Knew they were the notorious boys in school. Jocks with rich parents, who thought they could have any girl they wanted.
His stomach rolled. He’d been one of those boys at their age, so he knew exactly what followed encounters like this one. Bile rose in his throat. He thought he knew Lara well enough to know she shouldn’t be in this crowd. As well enough as any good teacher should know his or her student.
The girl with the square-framed spectacles, long braids, and shy smile who worked doubly hard in class, the girl who’d aced the first test he’d given her at nine-eight percent even though she’d only had one week to catch up on six weeks’ worth of school work, wouldn’t hang around street corners with the wildest boys in school, would she?
Then again, what did he really know about teenage girls? He was hardly an expert on his own life. He hardly had his life together. How could he judge anyone else’s?
“Let me go!”
He recognised the shaky protest as Lara’s. She had to be in some sort of trouble. Without thinking, he switched off the engine and pushed the door open.
“What’s going on here?” he asked in the authoritative voice he used with unruly students as he strode over to the group.
The boys stiffened and moved aside. Lara held her bag to her chest in a defensive posture but her head was bowed and she didn’t meet his gaze. Her shoulders stiffened and hunched up, her braids loose over her face.
“Nothing, Mr. Thomas. I was just talking to my girlfriend,” Malcolm said. He was a tall and athletic boy who was the captain of the school soccer team where he played as a midfielder.
Lara was dating Malcolm? The back of Ike’s throat hurt and he felt as if he’d been punched in the gut. He had difficulty swallowing to clear his voice so his shock didn’t seep through.
“Even so, you know the rules about hanging around after school hours,” he said when he finally worked the shock down his throat. “You should all disperse immediately, or I’ll be compelled to hand out detentions for the next two weeks and letters to your parents.”
“We’re sorry, sir.” Most of the boys decanted immediately, walking away briskly.
Lara remained on the spot, her back to the wall, her gaze fixed to the dusty pavement.
“Lara, how are you getting home?” Ike asked, his voice with a sharp edge. He couldn’t shake the bitterness lodged at the back of his throat that she would allow a boy like Malcolm to touch her.
She gave him a quick glance, pushing her glasses up the bridge of her nose, before diverting her gaze to ground again. “I’m taking the bus,” she replied in a small voice.
“Get in the car. I’ll drop you off home.” The tone of his voice indicated it wasn’t a request.
“Sir—" Malcolm was still there, although now at a little distance from Lara.
“Go home or it’s two weeks detention for you, Malcolm,” Ike cut him off. He’d lost his patience with the lad.
Without another word, the boy trudged away, his expression sullen.
Lara scurried to the passenger side and Ike waited for her to get in before doing the same. He instructed her to put her seat belt on before asking for her address. She complied. They drove in silence as his emotions yo-yoed from guilt to betrayal.
The protectiveness he’d felt for her from the first moment he’d walked into class to find her as his new student hadn’t just been out of a sense of duty or even platonic affection.
He hadn’t allowed himself to name the growing attraction he’d felt for her. He’d screwed up his life enough. And he wasn’t about to betray the trust she had in him as her teacher by ever suggesting anything more. At twenty-one, he was older by four years. Not to mention that she was his student and any involvement was prohibited both on ethical and moral grounds.
Now, finding out she was in a relationship with a boy, his heart shrank and he rubbed his hand on the back of his neck. He couldn’t help feeling betrayed, even if he knew it wasn’t fair. His heart didn’t seem to care that she was out of bounds to him and free to choose a boy closer to her age, anyway.
As they neared the street where her house was located, he was about to ask her which turning when he realised her body was shaking.
“Lara, are you okay?” he asked, glancing over at her.
Her head was turned towards the window as if she didn’t want him to see her face. She didn’t answer and her body continued to tremble. The muscles on his neck strained and his grip on the steering wheel tightened.
<
br /> Had the boys done something to upset her? If so, he would get hold of each one of them and make them pay.
Flicking the indicator, he pulled over the side of the road and killed the engine. He reached down, unclipped his seatbelt, and twisted his body to face her.
“What’s going on? Talk to me.” He couldn’t bear to see her upset but he was afraid of touching her for fear of crossing the line. He scrubbed a hand over his head instead of reaching for her like he wanted to.
“You’re...angry...with me.” She said the words between sniffs and sobs.
“What? I’m not angry with you.” He couldn’t believe she was upset because of him.
She peeked at him between her fingers and started crying again.
He heaved out a sigh, his fingers around the steering wheel tightened and loosened. “Okay. I am angry. But it’s only because I’m worried about you getting involved with the likes of Malcolm.”
He placed his hand on her shoulder, unable to resist trying to sooth away her sadness.
Before he could figure out what she was doing, she’d unclipped her seatbelt, turned around, and fallen against him, her head against his chest.
He kept his arms wide, unsure of what to do. His instincts screamed for him to draw her close, to soothe away her pain. But the sensible part of him warned that this was one of his students. The rules were clear about cavorting with students. If anyone saw them, he would be in trouble. And he couldn’t afford any more.
She sucked in a deep breath and snuggled closer to him. His resistance crumbled and he allowed himself to settle his arms around her. He sucked in a deep breath. Her scent filled his nostrils: musk, sandalwood, and vanilla.
He remembered the first day he’d met her and she’d had a panic attack triggered by the sound of her drink bottle smashing on the floor. He’d recognised the fright in her demeanour, as well as the guilt in her anxious movements. It had been like watching a reflection of himself, a projection of his pain and sorrow. In that moment, he’d connected with her on a level he’d never done with anyone else before or since. He’d found his match. His soul twin. The yang to his yin.
He’d seen her at least twice a week for the past five months, excluding the holidays. After the school breaks, he’d had an accelerated pulse rate and adrenaline rush on the first day back to school. At the times, he’d told himself he’d been eager to get back to work and finish his assignment at Hillcrest. Deep down, he’d known the excitement had been for seeing her again after the weeks away.
Sweeping the braids away from her face with his fingers, he caressed the velvety skin on her cheek with his thumb. Strangely, he felt a sense of peace having her close as warmth radiated out from his chest.
For several minutes, they remained in the same position. The world around them continued revolving. It wasn’t a busy street. The occasional car and pedestrian went by.
Someone would see them together. He should pull back. He didn’t.
Finally, she extracted her body from his arms. He missed her warmth immediately.
“I’m sorry,” she said and swiped hands over eyes.
He reached for the glove compartment and withdrew a box of disposable wipes. She pulled out a handful of tissues and cleaned up.
“Why are you sorry?” He searched her face. He wasn’t sorry that he’d held her for the few precious minutes even if it would be the last time he ever did.
“I upset you and I didn’t mean to. I won’t do it again.”
Curling one hand around the steering wheel, he pressed his lips together in a slight grimace. “What do you mean?”
She tilted her head and flicked her gaze away. “You’re upset that I was with Malcolm. I won’t see him again, if that’s what you want.”
His breath hitched at the temptation she unwittingly offered. Did she even know what she was saying? How much trouble that invitation could lead them into?
“Lara, look at me.”
A smile wavered on her face as she looked up.
“This isn’t about what I want,” he continued. “You’re an intelligent girl with a bright future. Boys like Malcolm are trouble. Trust me, I know. If you must date, there are other boys in your year, who should treat you better.”
What the hell was he doing? Discouraging her away from one narcissistic teenage boy to a hormonal one? Did he seriously think that any boy in her year group wouldn’t be thinking about sex and at least experimenting?
A frown puckered her face and she fiddled with one of her braids, twirling the end around her finger. “Malcolm says none of the boys in school will dare ask me out because I’m going to be his girlfriend sooner or later.”
A cold finger travelled down his spine. “Malcolm said that?”
“Yes. I just thought there was no point in resisting him anymore. He’d been pestering me for so long. Today, he said he’d walk me to the bus stop. I agreed, but he brought his friends along with him. He was trying to get me to go over to his house when you showed up.”
Ike’s chest tingled as she spoke. This didn’t sit right with him. Not just because he had feelings for her. He’d told himself he wouldn’t act on those feelings, at least not while she was his student.
“Listen to me,” he said in a sober voice. Feelings aside, she remained an innocent young girl. “Some boys are like wild animals when they’re in groups. They push and dare each other. They do things they wouldn’t normally do as individuals. Don’t put yourself in the position I saw you in this evening again, especially since you don’t seem to know those boys very well. Do you understand?”
She frowned as if she had a question but answered, “Yes, sir.”
“And if you have to date Malcolm—“
“No. I won’t. I’m going to tell him that I don’t want to be his girlfriend. I’ll do it now.” She pulled out her phone from her bag and started typing on the screen.
A smile tugged the corner of his lips. His heart drummed against his chest. He couldn’t help the euphoria bubbling in his veins, but he resisted a fist pump.
Moreover, the victory should be for her determination. He admired her for it. The same perseverance she’d shown from the first day they’d met. She had given him strength on days when the weight of the work had threatened to drag him down.
“Done,” she said and put her phone aside. “I just have to find a way of avoiding him, especially after late prep when there are less people around.”
“I can drop you off home after late prep,” he offered before he could stop himself.
Eyes going wide, a broad smile split her face. She reached across and brushed her fingers against his arm. “You will?”
Beneath the long sleeve of his shirt, his skin tingled where she’d touched him. His throat grew thick.
“Yes.” He coughed to clear the lump. “Just on the days you are in school late.”
“Of course. Thank you, sir,” she gushed.
“You’re welcome.” The dreamy expression on her large pupils and the steady eye contact told him she was translating his offer as more than it was. He had to maintain the line between them. “You realise I’m just helping you out, right. It’s nothing more.”
Her smile didn’t waver. In fact, it looked like she knew something he didn’t. “Of course I understand. You’re my teacher.”
“Exactly.” The word came out more vehemently than he’d wanted.
Eyes shuttered, she lowered her head. Her throat rippled as she swallowed, and her shoulders slumped.
He registered her disappointment and his gut hollowed out. It had to be this way. Her future was at stake, as well as his.
The sky was a mix of purples and oranges as the sun set below the roof tops of the residential houses on the street. As much as he enjoyed her company, he needed to get her home.
“Lara—“
“I know you’re my teacher and that nothing can happen between us while I’m at Hillcrest. But don’t pretend as if there’s nothing between us.”
Her dire
ctness knocked the breath out of him. For a moment, he just gaped at her as his heart did a jackhammer against his ribs.
“There’s nothing between us,” he said when he finally worked saliva into his mouth. The lie left a bitter taste but he had no other option.
“Liar.” She turned on him, her eyes blazing. “From the moment you came to my rescue the day I had a panic attack, there’s been a connection between us. It’s been there in every word you’ve said to me, every instruction you’ve given, every smile we’ve exchanged. It’s grown steadily.”
Rubbing his ear, he opened his mouth and closed it. Everything she’d just said was true. He’d felt their bond strengthen over the past months. But it still didn’t make it right.
“Don’t you see that what you’re describing can’t be encouraged?” he asked finally, a heaviness settling over his body. He didn’t want to hurt her, but what she was asking for was crossing the line.
“I know what the rules say. I’m not asking you to treat me any differently from the other students or to start taking me out on dates. I just want you to admit to me here and now that you feel something for me. I just want to feel special, to feel wanted. Is that too much to ask?”
His chest tightened and his headache returned. He massaged his temples and shook his head.
“You’re asking for too much. I can’t do what you want.” How could he admit that he’d thought about her as someone other than his student? He’d pictured a future with her in his weak moments. What kind of immoral person did that make him?
“You can’t or you won’t.” She waved her hand. “Anyway, its fine. It’s just one more thing to add to what makes me feel shitty about myself. There goes the crazy girl who has a thing for a teacher who doesn’t want her in return.”
She grabbed her bag. “Thank you for giving me a lift, but I can walk home from here.”
“Lara, wait.”
She ignored him and reached for the door lever.
Reaching out, he grabbed her arm. He understood her anger but he couldn’t let he leave without resolving this issue.