Jace dug around in my hair, trying to find the elastic band knotted around it. He pushed and pulled before my mane came tumbling down my back, brushing the band of my sleep pants. He tucked his fingers into the hem of my tank, and I raised my arms letting him peel it away. I was never shy in front of my best friend, but for some reason, my arms automatically crossed in front of my chest to cover myself.
Jace lowered my pants to the floor next. I felt so open and vulnerable, even with him, and it killed me that I was so weak.
Jace took my face between his hands and tilted my head to kiss my forehead. “This, too, shall pass, sugar. You’ll be strong again.”
I sucked my lips into my mouth, puckering the skin between my eyes to keep from breaking down. He helped me into the tub, and I pressed my back against the porcelain, staring at the barrage of water tumbling down. I was scared it would hurt, even though I knew how illogical that sounded. My hands shook, and I tried catching one with the other to still them. When I looked down, my breath caught. A red swell covered my breast, and random bruises lay scattered over my skin. Leaning forward, I discovered between my thighs were also discolored and sore. It was the first time I’d seen the extent of what Damon had done.
Quiet sobs hitched my chest up and down. Unable to carry the burden any longer, I was about to drop, my shoulders falling forward when sturdy hands caught me. Jace stepped into the tub with glassy eyes, his jaw so tight it could snap glass. Though he didn’t speak, his eyes spoke volumes. I could see all of his questions, his concerns, his rage.
“Come here, munchkin.” He pulled my back to his chest, and his underwear brushed my backside. He’d kept them on, and I felt relieved even though I’d seen him plenty of times without them.
The relief broke me.
He was my best friend. The one person I could always count on to be there for me. I wasn’t supposed to think twice about being afraid of him. I cried harder. I’d lost me. All of me.
Jace bent his knees, bringing us both to sit on the tub floor. He spun us so our backs were to the water, but it was his skin it beat against. He didn’t say a word the rest of the time, and I was thankful because I didn’t think I could have answered. He just held me between his legs, hugging me from all angles, and rocked until he felt my movements cease.
When I had finally calmed, he reached up and grabbed the shampoo before massaging suds into my hair. I winced, clutching at a tender spot as a flashback of Damon dragging me to the couch bolted through my mind.
“I’m sorry.” Jace put his hand on mine.
I shook my head. “It’s not your fault. I just didn’t expect it. Go ahead. It feels nice.”
“I’ll be gentle.”
He continued to wash more gingerly, tilting my head back to wash out the suds, then repeating the process with conditioner. Leaving it there to set, he worked soap over every inch of me, careful of the amount of pressure he applied. When I was clean, he handed me the soap and backed away to give me privacy so I could wash the parts he shouldn’t touch, though I didn’t think they’d ever feel clean again.
With tentative hands, I felt around between my legs with the soap, scared I would hit a sore spot like the one on my head. My pubic bone was tender. I squeezed my eyes shut as tears leaked through the edges, and I moved my fingers through my folds, knowing I needed to get through this to wipe away any trace of that bastard. As I washed, my mind flashed images in quick succession, each one jolting my body as they slammed into me—
His hands.
His teeth.
Damon mounting himself on top of me, moving between my legs.
I wailed, my body bucking as it remembered it all. Remembered the feel of his hands—those fucking hands—everywhere.
I wept louder, faintly registering Jace’s soft “shhh . . .” from behind me, and I was thankful he refrained from touching me.
I took the soap in my clutches, brought it to my arm and scrubbed, raking my nails over my skin, trying to remove as many layers as possible, feeling like someone had let an ant farm loose inside of me. Vibrant red streaks emerged over each area that I moved to, but it felt good. Like a release. Crunching down hard on my molars, I curled my lip over my teeth, picking up the pace as the hot burn sliced through me.
Unable to take it any longer, Jace grabbed my wrists and hugged me to him, whispering soothing hushes into my ear and telling me he loved me—that it would all be okay—until I was calm enough to settle. He washed out the conditioner and stood, scooping me up and placing me on the floor mat.
With delicate strokes, he patted me dry. I stepped into a clean pair of underwear, and he pulled a T-shirt over my head. I waited as he changed into dry clothes, then stood behind me, combing my hair with a careful, delicate finesse. He always loved to do that, and I always loved when he did. It made me feel protected, and taken care of. This time I could tell that he was doing it with purpose rather than enjoyment. I knew he wanted to take care of me, but I could tell he would be happy when this task was over and behind us.
When he finished, he draped my hair over one shoulder and set the brush on the counter. His hands rested on my shoulders, and I could feel the weight of his eyes on my reflection. “You don’t have to tell me what happened ‘till you’re ready, but I do want you to see someone you can talk to.”
“Jace . . .”
“Don’t.” His sharp tone made me look at his mirrored image. “Don’t, Eva. When you finally came to me with this, it was because you knew I would help you any way I could. You couldn’t take it anymore. Remember?”
I nodded.
“When I pleaded with you to tell someone, and you refused, I didn’t push, did I?”
“No.” My voice shrunk.
“So I did the next best thing. I got you the hell out of there and figured we’d sort it out later. Well, it’s later.” His eyebrows shot together in a deep V. “It’s escalated. Look at you!” He threw his hand out toward my reflection.
I recoiled, looking away again, unable to bear the truth of it. He reached his arm around the front of my face and forced my chin in the direction of the mirror.
“Look. At. You.” Intensity grew in his eyes as they glittered with a fresh set of tears. His lips quivered as his fingers dug into my jaw. “He’s taken you. Destroyed you. Where are you? Do you even see yourself anymore?” His voice cracked with fury, with pain, giving away that he, too, was suffering through this. I had never considered what witnessing all of this for so long was doing to him.
My lips trembled.
“Cry, love. Get it the fuck out of you already.” His voice broke and then so did he. He wrapped his arms around me, his chest heaving into my back, hot tears raining down on my shoulder.
I crumbled forward, leaning my body on the counter, taking him with me. We both bucked and swayed and cried until there was nothing left. Sniffling, Jace picked me up so my legs dangled over his forearm and walked me back to my bedroom, laying me down. He sat beside me.
“Eva, I love you so much. I only want what’s best for you, so you have to listen. You have to trust me.”
I stared into his amber eyes, and all I saw was adoration, laced with a tinge of what looked like regret. I knew part of him shouldered the blame for not forcing me to come clean sooner, and it was becoming harder and harder for him to live with.
“You need to—” He cleared his throat and strengthened his shoulders. “You will see someone. And when you’re stronger, you’re going to tell your family.”
“Jace—”
His hand waved sharply. “Shh! You can’t let Abby marry that monster. It’s not right. He’s progressing, Eva.” He steadied his gaze on me. “He took you. Forcefully and against your will. You’re going to tell them, and you’re going to end it. No more!”
I knew he had reached his breaking point as well. I swallowed hard and nodded once, though I still wasn’t convinced I’d do it. He kissed my forehead and rose from the bed. I sat up and tucked a leg beneath me, watching him move around
my room, attempting to tidy.
“Jace?”
“Yeah, love?” He picked up an old pair of yoga pants, inspecting them with his face scrunched up before exhaling a puff of air, rolling his eyes, and tossing them into the hamper.
Blake’s electric blue gaze twinkled before me before falling in front of me like scattered ash. “Have you seen him?” I squeezed the sheet, needing to hold onto something in anticipation of his answer.
Jace looked away.
I swallowed. “Is he okay? Tell me, Jace,” I asked quietly, attempting to seem unaffected despite the knocking in my chest.
He knotted the tank he’d been folding and dropped his hands with a sigh. “How do you think he is, Eva?” He paused, looking me over before going back to his task. “Let’s just concentrate on you for now. You have enough to deal with for the time being.”
“But—”
His eyes sharpened. “I’m serious.”
I paused, clarity taking shape for the first time in days. “We need to protect him.”
Jace stopped what he was doing and fisted his hip, a white tank dangling from his clutches. “Sweetheart, forgive me if I’m missing something, but I’m pretty sure you’re in no position to be protecting anybody.”
The answer was clear to me now, and I needed for him to understand. “We need to protect him from me.” When Jace’s eyes narrowed, I continued. “And himself.”
“I’m not following. You’re going to have to decode this one.”
I spoke rapidly, still trying to get a hold of my thought process. “Jace, if he were to find out—if he were to know who did this . . .” my eyes dragged up to meet his. “He’d kill him.” I shuddered, knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that was the truth. “He’d kill him and his life would be over. I can’t let that happen to him. I need to do this right.”
“What does that mean?” Jace questioned.
“It means it has to be me that fixes this. On my own. I just don’t know how I’m going to do it yet.” My heart broke, knowing full-well that meant Blake and I were really over. This was the only piece of me left to give to him.
Jace nodded, and I knew I had the word of my best friend that he would do as I asked. “Let’s just concentrate on getting you better. He can’t be with half a girl anyway. We need you whole, darling.”
My gaze dropped to a bruise on my arm, and I looked away, feeling more like a morsel than a half.
THE SHELL THAT housed what was left of me was thinning quickly. The bruises on the outside were turning a musty shade of yellow, ready to disappear, but I was certain the marks on the inside would remain forever. They were deeper than ever this time.
Jace told Sandra and Jessie, my closest friends here, that I’d decided to take a vacation to clear my head of the breakup with Blake and they bought it. Other than Jace, I had spent my days alone, but those days were limited. I needed to start my new semester. It was bad enough I’d missed the first week.
Every day, I asked how Blake was, and every day Jace would look away and change the topic. I was beginning to think there was something he didn’t want me to know. My insides ached for Blake in a way I never could have imagined possible. If I thought I was the walking dead before, now I truly was, as I drifted without a soul. With nothing to live for.
When Damon tried to take my body that day, he’d taken everything inside of me with it. Made every memory meaningless, all of my growth pointless. Like a vacuum, he’d siphoned it all out, leaving me this. Whatever this was.
I rolled from the bed, scrubbing my face. I needed to purge some of the venom from my system. Walking to my desk, I pulled open the drawer. Two books stared back at me. One holding love, the other—misery. My heart crumpled a little as I took the journal Blake had given me in my hands, careful not to open it, not wanting to be reminded of what I’d lost.
With a loud shriek, I whipped my arm, throwing Blake’s journal. It skidded across the floor, burying itself under my bed. Tears pooled in my eyes, and I pulled my real journal from where it had been hiding for the last month. This was the real me—tattered and fraying edges, worn and abused. Not the imposter I was gifted in the hopes I could be, pristine and sparkling. New and shiny. Mirroring an angel when it was the devil coursing through my veins.
Who asks for this fate? Who betrays their flesh and blood?
I had taken what didn’t belong to me all those years ago, and now he would repeatedly take what didn’t belong to him. And I’d pay. Forever. But that’s what I deserved. I’d take my punishment for betraying the person who mattered to me the most.
Sitting on the couch, I drew one leg beneath me. My fingers flicked the worn pages, moving to the first blank one. I stared down at it for a moment, knowing how quickly my heart would fill the pristine white college-ruled lines with a glimpse of what was inside. And then my hand took over.
Pieces of Broken
Broken
On the inside
I bend and scoop up the shards
Pricking my finger, they leave streaks of crimson in their wake
Pieces
Shattered Pieces
Jagged and strewn about without rhyme or reason
I look around and try to make sense of it
Pieces of me
Whoever me is.
Is there a me? Was there ever?
Pieces upon pieces
Broken little pieces
Hurting little bits, crying out in pain
I listen to their screaming cries and tears fall, knowing I can’t fix them
I am the broken
I am the pieces
All sorts of pieces of broken
Scattered and ashamed
Lifeless and mourning
Trapped and unfixable
Broken
Pieces
Of
Me
If there is a me
I tossed that book, too, and fell to my side, letting my tears bleed into the cushions.
Clarity swam somewhere within me, wading through my tears, begging for me to notice it, but despair drowned out its voice. Subtle, yet probing, it tugged at me, the beginning of a battle brewing inside. I knew I needed to pull out of this, but I didn’t have the strength. I didn’t have it in me yet to choose who would rise to the top.
I cried until the blackness came to collect me once again.
“How is he, Jace?” I tucked my knees under my chin and stared at my best friend.
He opened the refrigerator and ducked his head inside, avoiding my question. “Have you called that number on the card I left you?”
I lifted my head, dropping my feet to the floor, finally putting force behind my voice. “Stop avoiding my question.”
Jace slammed the refrigerator shut and spun around with fire in his eyes. “Stop avoiding mine!”
The doctor’s card had taunted me for days, right where he had dropped it on my kitchen bar. My gaze would move to it every time I walked by, but I never actually touched it even though I kept feeling like it was reaching out and grabbing at me. It was annoying.
We had a staring standoff before I spoke, choosing my words carefully. “I will. When I’m ready.”
“Eeenh!” He made the sound of a buzzer, signaling the wrong answer.
Without even looking at it, he swiped his hand to the side as he walked by, lifting the hard paper from the counter. He marched over to me and plucked my phone from the table. His thumbs worked furiously over the buttons as he programmed the number in, his finger hovering over the send button.
“You wanna call, or should I?”
I stood, grabbing the phone from him. “Stop pressuring me!”
“Evangelina, you’re really trying my patience. I’m trying really, really hard to be gentle with you. And I don’t do gentle. Ask around.” He wagged a finger in my face. “I let you fester in your own filth for two whole weeks while you beat yourself up, and even agreed not to tell your family you’d been hospitalized! I did what you asked and gave you time. We
ll, time’s up, sweetheart. I’m done. Make the fucking appointment, or I’m walking away from you.”
It felt like his open palm had left a stinging mark on my cheek. In all our years as best friends, Jace had never given up on me. I couldn’t lose him, too. My lips began to tremble, and I wanted to kick myself for showing weakness.
He took me by my shoulders with a squeezing tug. “You need to talk to someone. Someone besides me who can help you. Period. Now are you calling, or am I?”
“I’ll do it,” I whispered, not trusting my eyes to hold back the tears.
Jace loosened his grip. “There’s my Eva.” The creases around his eyes smoothed out as a warm smile coated his face.
I sat, worrying a piece of hair across my lips as a soft voice answered the line. I made the appointment. Pushing end, I placed the phone beside me and looked up at Jace. With a smile, he blew me a kiss. I didn’t return his smile. I wrapped my arms around my knees and focused on his eyes.
“How is he, Jace?”
The upturn of his lips melted to a frown, dulling the brightness in his eyes. He fingered a small cut by his jaw that I hadn’t noticed before and looked away, leaving my question unanswered . . .
Again.
“WHAT DO YOU mean it’s too late to drop the class?” I fisted my hips and narrowed my eyes at the balding man behind the registrar’s counter of Columbia University.
He dropped the mouse and folded his hands. “I’m sorry, but we’re already a week into the semester. All of the classes you need are either full or are offered at a conflicting time. And if you drop this class, you’ll lose your full-time status.”
I can’t let that happen. I’ve worked too hard to get my grades where they needed to be last semester.
Softening my stance, I picked at the slip of paper in front of him. “You sure you can’t squeeze in one more tiny little person?” I squished my fingers together for effect.
Breathe You (Pieces of Broken Book 2) Page 3