The end of this list remains to be written, but when I look into a future with you, this is what I see. I want you to be my happily ever after. My rainbow and unicorns. My white knight. Be what you want, just be mine so I can live. Because when I’m with you, I don’t have to remind myself to breathe.
I sucked in a hefty breath. She had taken the words out of my mouth.
EVA
MY BREADCRUMBS STOPPED here. Wisps of hair whipped into my face on a soft breeze as I stared into the horizon. Though it now shined bright with the day, a visual of the most beautiful sunrise I’d ever seen graced my memory, bringing an airiness to my chest as I recalled it.
Rooftops had become an anchor in my life, simultaneously representing both seclusion and freedom. Air and suffocation. Much like myself, they were the perfect oxymoron. Most of the memories of the sunrises I’d witnessed up there were torturous, comprised of me singing through my pain.
All but one.
I looked out at the same landscape from my memory, a soft smile tugging at the corner of my mouth in silent prayer that, in a short while, I wouldn’t be alone anymore.
For good.
BLAKE
I APPROACHED BERTHA slowly. She seemed to bristle when she saw me, most likely feeding off my energy. This whole encounter had me pretty uptight, not knowing what the end of the line would mean for us.
Though I had come here with Angel that one day, I hadn’t visited Bertha regularly in a while. It was too painful. I had tried once, but all I kept picturing was Eva crumpled under the tree, broken and weeping, and I couldn’t bear it.
I didn’t know what had made me bring her here that other day. Hope that things would turn around, maybe? That we would both find comfort? Whatever my reason, it had worked momentarily. But our wounds were so deep, the cuts spreading venom like a bacteria. A part of me did pray we would find the antidote. That we would be able to somehow bury all the hurt and pain.
From the corner of my periphery, I spotted a large envelope at Bertha’s feet, but I chose to ignore it for now. First, I needed to make amends with another special lady.
I stood beneath her and shoved my hands in my pockets, rocking back on my heels. A gust of wind blew one of her long branches in from the side to swish across my face. I chuckled and cocked my head to the side, staring up at her. I deserved that.
“Hi, Bertha.”
No response.
“I’m sorry I haven’t been here, but it was just too painful. I lost my heart here and, in a way, a piece of me died along with it. You know I love you, though, right?”
Just then, her energy seemed to burst outward in a ring, the breeze seeming to pass through her branches in a soft trickle, and a sense of calm washed over me.
I was forgiven.
“Thank you.”
We stared at each other in a comfortable silence, and I finally felt peace. Like I had returned home. It had been bothering me that I hadn’t been able to be here. As painful as it was, I was thankful Angel had brought me back. No matter what happened with us, I’d have to thank her for that.
I nodded toward the envelope. “That for me?” I bit down on my jaw with a tick in her silence. “Right.” Then I bent to one knee. I paused and squinted up at Bertha with a playful smirk, trying to lighten the mood. “Hold me?”
I picked up the envelope, which had another forget-me-not taped to the corner, and moved to sit with my back against Bertha. There was some kind of hard object in this one, which piqued my curiosity. I shook it, trying to decipher what was waiting for me like a kid who’d found his present the night before Christmas.
Unable to wait any longer, I tore it open and let the contents fall into my palm. As before, I held two puzzle pieces. The front had another indecipherable picture and the back, a few words. Confusion found me at the last item though—an iPod.
When I’d found out about Angel’s night terrors, I’d given her an iPod, downloaded with a bunch of songs to help her think of me, hoping it would make her feel better when I wasn’t there to do it. I wondered briefly if this was the same one.
I closed my fist around the mechanism and reached inside the envelope to find my note. The picture I’d taken of us watching the sunrise from the roof of the hotel of our first date was clipped to the top. I’d forgotten how beautiful she’d looked that day with the soft light of the breaking of dawn playing on her flushed, recently sexed features. I’d been so nervous, I hadn’t slept a wink, scared I would wake up to find she’d changed her mind. When I couldn’t find one trace of doubt on her face, my heart had swelled even more, knowing she really was mine. That she’d finally given herself to me.
I rubbed my thumb along that image of the beginning of us, remembering how I’d felt, the completeness. I had been certain we’d never be apart again. My soul had felt fulfilled. I’d finally found my purpose. Found my girl. The one I’d take care of forever.
Her longest note yet was attached.
Blake–
As this adventure winds down, I hope I’ve done for you what you would’ve done for me had I “forgotten” us. Words can’t express how sorry I am that I let you down. When I should have let you in and leaned on you for support, I allowed my own doubts and insecurities to get the better of me, and I made the biggest mistake of my life. I locked you out. At least, I tried to. But I soon found out it wasn’t possible. Because you live inside of me. With every beat of my heart and pump of blood through my veins, I live and breathe you. This is not an easy admission. Where I was used to isolating myself from everyone, imagine my surprise to find you were rooted so deep inside of me that I could no longer survive on my own. But I wasn’t ready to be who I needed to be yet both for you and for me. I needed to be stronger. To know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I would never, ever hurt you again. I’ve spent the last few months working myself over both inside and out, and I can finally say I’m ready.
I’m strong, and my mind is clear. And I want you, Blake. For good. So I’m asking—no, I’m begging—for you to be with me.
Be my forever.
You asked me once to live you, not realizing that I already was—so much that I couldn’t live without you. None of my pieces make sense without you, and I’m asking you to put me back together. Make me whole. I know how hard it’ll be for you to trust me with your heart again, but I promise I’m in this to stay. I’m waiting for you where we took this picture, thinking we were starting our forever. If you’ll have me, come and get me so we can get our second chance.
All my love,
Angel
P.S. This is the iPod you gave me. I’ve loaded it with songs letting you know how I feel about you. The ones you originally downloaded are at the end of it to remind you of how you feel about me.
Sucking in a breath, I rested my head against Bertha and looked up at her. “What do I do?” I banged my head once, twice, three times. “Give. Me. A. Sign.” I banged one last time before my head came to rest on her trunk. A gust of wind rustled her leaves before a long strand fell like a beautifully decorated rope, landing beside the puzzle pieces Angel had left me.
I looked up to Bertha just as another long lock fell, this one landing softly on the iPod.
“Show off,” I mumbled.
EVA
Rick: Hey, darlin. Can you cover for Jasmine tonight? She bailed on me.
I STARED AT the text message, then typed a quick response, hoping I was right.
Me: Hi. Sorry, I have plans tonight. Any other time, I would for sure.
Rick: Crap. OK. Thanks anyway.
I closed the message box and laid the phone beside me. A small piece of the hope I’d had a few hours ago flaked into thin air.
What if he doesn’t come?
I drew in a breath and checked my watch for the umpteenth time, trying to contain the surge of panic that shot through my belly each time. I’d arrived early to set up our room downstairs and grab a seat on the same lounger Blake and I had watched the sunrise from the morning after our first date
. Except for the occasional person coming up to peer out from the hotel’s roof before heading back down, I’d spent the last hour or so alone.
Each time the elevator dinged with a new guest, my heart would fly in my chest, wondering if a tall, raven-haired, blue-eyed man would step off, then sink to find it wasn’t him. The yo-yo effect was maddening.
What if it’s really over?
No. I brushed those thoughts aside. I wouldn’t allow those in . . .
Yet.
BLAKE
WITH A HUFF, I picked up the iPod and inserted the earbuds, a soft melody trickling into my ears. I’d never heard this song before, but I recognized Christina Perri’s voice immediately. She was one of Angel’s favorites. I closed my eyes and rested my head on Bertha, listening to her message. I knew that whatever song she’d chosen meant a lot to her.
The Words.
I imagined it was Angel singing to me in her sweet melody. Telling me how the rest of the world had disappeared for her and all she could see was me. The thought sent an ache to my heart. I curled into myself and resolved to stay strong through this.
I knew how loud it was inside her head because mine was noisy now, too. I’d tried to build up a wall around my heart to stop it from shattering, but the fucking thing was useless. She wanted me to let go of it. Let go of my reservations and my doubts, but I was scared shitless. How do I open myself up to possibly being mangled again? That’s what she was asking me to do—fall backward with trust. Saying if I did that it wouldn’t hurt anymore. Except it always held the possibility of it hurting worse than before. The truth was what always hurt us. Her truth that she kept so guarded. How could it not hurt us now?
I pinched the bridge of my nose, my throat a knotted ball of fire, my heart engulfed in flames as it struggled with the enormity of this. I’d walked my own personal hell on this journey as well, and it burned. But I was addicted to its heat, every moment of it another tattoo to my being.
Still your mind . . .
She was asking me to choose her.
The song got quiet, her voice telling me she knew how scary it would be for me to let go and trust her. A tear leaked from the edge of my eye. I was grateful to be alone right now. I needed to release the pent-up bad if I wanted to make room for the good. If I wanted to go home.
Ironically enough, she’d been home all along, in the center of my heart. That’s why it ached so fucking bad. God help me, I was scared. I was so god damned scared of what this would do to me if I just let go.
A strong wind rustled Bertha’s leaves, freeing another strand. It flitted to the ground, landing to my left, in the very spot I’d found Angel crumpled in a ball in the dusk the morning she said goodbye.
A chill crept down my spine at the memory. I rose and walked the couple of feet before squatting down. I skimmed my hand through the blades, drawing in the heartache she’d deposited there.
The last of my pieces is in the spot where I broke apart in the first place.
The words from her letter repeated in my mind as I searched the area. Sure enough, I spotted something white poking out. I gathered it and made my way back to the tree.
I pushed my hand into my pocket and extracted the other six pieces Angel had sent me. Sliding down Bertha’s trunk, I stared at my palm, wondering if I wanted to see the image all put together. I could see sections of white and blue and . . . blonde.
I placed the top right corner on the flat dirt at the base of Bertha and sought out my courage. Gone was the fearless lover who had fought tooth-and-nail for the girl who’d stolen his heart. In his place was someone I didn’t like. Even if it went no further, I needed to do this one last thing for her. Hell, even now, I’d do anything she asked of me, no matter how much I second-guessed it.
Sifting through the pile, I found the ones that belonged at the right edges of the puzzle. I laid them down before searching for the missing one in between. Putting it together gave nothing away. I was only able to make out clouds on top of rolling blue waves.
A beach?
Curious, my eyebrows drew tighter as I worked my way left. The top was more clouds, the bottom more waves, but in the center was something that resembled an angel wing. Three pieces remained. Knowing they’d provide the full picture sent a wave of anxiety through me. The words from her letter whispered to me again . . .
I’m asking you to put me back together. Make me whole.
The bottom left corner went next. It was the lower portion of her body. Her legs were bare, her posture relaxed. I moved to the top, not ready to see it in its entirety. Below more soft clouds was the top of her blonde head, but that’s all I could see. The final piece, I knew, would hold the full picture in that one tiny jagged little square. I rubbed my thumb along it, not bothering to peer down at what was on it. Finding the smooth edge, I joined it with the others and brought her final piece home.
My heart pounded at the image staring back at me. It was breathtaking. Unlike the others, this wasn’t a picture I’d taken. She clearly had gone through the effort of having it taken—for me.
Set on a beach, she was off-center along the left side, her focus down and away from whoever was capturing it, as though she didn’t want them to see inside herself. As much as I could see the pain she carried in the curve of her shoulders, she looked calm. At peace. As though she’d made amends with her demons and had finally learned how to co-exist with the truth inside herself.
A pair of wings fanned out from her back, topping off the angelic photo of her. Dressed all in white, the image was pristine. It gave a sense of her starting anew, coming into her new skin with acceptance. The way she looked away, almost into herself, told me that it was her burden to hold—but she was releasing it into the universe, perhaps into the soft waves crashing around her, as though she was ready to be set free.
The symbolism of this one gesture was enough to knock me to my knees. She was handing herself over to me—giving me her pieces and telling me only I could put her back together, make her whole. It was humbling and eye-opening. For as much as we had been through, I couldn’t let her down. But I still needed to think long and hard about whether or not I was up for the challenge of her. If I had the strength left in me to do what she was asking of me or if what we had was irreparable. I didn’t want to be her letdown, and I didn’t want her to be my downfall.
Remembering all of the random words I’d seen on the opposite side of the puzzle, I scooped my fingers beneath it and flipped it over, careful not to disconnect them. When I set them back down, I braced myself for more of Angel’s beautifully crafted words.
Breathe You
Live through air
Float through time
All seems wasted
When I can’t call you mine
You asked me to live you
As if there was ever another choice
Trying to deny what we shared, I lost you
Severing a limb, leaving me without a voice
How do you live when you’re missing your heart?
How do you function when you’ve been torn apart?
Drifting . . .
Drift
Search
Fall
Stumble in circles
Until your back hits a wall
My lungs constrict
In a dark, confined space
Knowing that without you
All I am is just a waste
Waste of time
Waste of skin
Crumbling
Dying from within
You’re my ailment and my elixir
A wound that only you can suture
I’ve tried and failed and tried again
To piece together a heart that cannot mend
Pieces of me broken
Lost
Scattered around
Searching for the match, which cannot be found
To live you is to breathe you
To move you through my being
Piece me back to life again
EVA
THE SUN WAS setting. Ironically enough, I was watching it off the same lounger I’d watched its rise all those months ago except this time I was alone. Still.
He isn’t coming.
I inhaled a broken breath. A tear rolled down my cheek, dispersing onto my lips as I said goodbye one final time. The hotel room we’d stayed in on our original date was decorated in memories, but I couldn’t bear to see it again, knowing it wouldn’t get used. That it was over.
I’d rubbed that keycard over and over in the last couple of hours, so much that it had left an indent on my thumb. I couldn’t look at it anymore. I shoved it beneath my legs and unlocked the screen to my phone.
Me: Hey, Rick. Change of plans. I’m free tonight. Still need me?
A moment later, my phone pinged back.
Rick: Hell yes. See you soon.
I tossed my phone into my bag and dragged in my knees before pushing my forehead into them. I rolled my head back and forth. It was just me now. I had to be okay with that. And I would be. I’d grown in the last few months. Though a big portion of me would always be missing, I’d mended enough of my pieces to function.
I just had to learn how to breathe.
RICK HADN’T BEEN kidding. The bar was packed. I hadn’t said two words all night after I’d deposited my bag next to Angie’s and then slipped between her and Rick. Drink after drink, I had filled the orders being yelled at me, my body moving around based on memory, unaided by my brain.
Fill glass with ice.
Pour liquid into cup.
Slide across bar.
Exchange money.
Repeat.
Everything feels worthless.
Physically, I could do the tasks at hand, but for what purpose? When nothing in life seemed to matter anymore?
Breathe You (Pieces of Broken Book 2) Page 22