by Lisa Olsen
“So, this is goodbye then.” It felt strange to think I wouldn’t be seeing him at the office anymore. I’d started to look forward to our talks, and somehow I didn’t think chatting about pirates versus ninjas over Skype would be the same. “Do you need anything? I could have the jet made available for you.”
“No, thanks. I’ve already made all the arrangements.”
“Oh. Then why did you need me to come over?”
Bishop’s smile recovered its sparkle. “I have a gift for your birthday, I thought I’d give it to you tonight.”
“My birthday’s not until next week.”
“Considering I won’t be here, I’d rather give it to you now, if you don’t mind.”
“That’s very sweet of you. You didn’t have to buy me anything, you know.”
“I didn’t. I made it.” His smile turned mysterious as he grabbed my hand and pulled me deeper into the living room. “Now, have a seat and close your eyes.”
“Why? I don’t care if you didn’t have time to wrap it.”
“Close your eyes,” he ordered, showing a hint of the stern Bishop that made people quake in their boots, and I resisted the urge to roll my eyes at him, closing them instead.
“Okay, okay, you don’t have to get all grumpycakes about it. They’re closed already. Now give me my present.” I held both hands out, fingers wiggling.
“So greedy,” he huffed, and I heard him walk away. “Keep your shirt on, I’ll go get it. Or actually, you can take your shirt off if you want, I won’t complain.”
“Now who’s greedy?” I snorted, a smile curving my lips as I waited in darkness for the gift. I heard him moving around, and the scrape of a chair against the floor followed by a creaking sound. All at once I realized what it was I heard. It wasn’t a chair at all, but a piano bench.
The music slid over me in the next instant, the melody hauntingly familiar, sending a ripple of electricity across my skin as I heard it made more than a fleeting memory. It was Anja’s Song, fully fleshed out and completed, not the skeletal remains of Evan’s composition that survived my recollection. There were subtle changes, but it was so beautiful… it… I still don’t have any words to describe how it touched me.
I found myself by the edge of the piano with no conscious decision of having moved, almost too afraid to speak for fear of breaking the spell, until Bishop looked up at me and smiled. How could he possibly have known what it meant to me? “Where did you…?”
“I heard you humming it before, and I finished it.”
“Just like that?”
“Not exactly,” he admitted. “But it gave me peace, working on it for you. Is it close enough to the music in your head?”
“It’s beautiful.”
“It’s almost as beautiful as you are.”
I closed my eyes again as tears surfaced. This is what Evan would have wanted, what his work deserved, to be shared and remembered. I kept them closed until the last notes hung in the air and I could breathe again.
“Thank you.” I cleared my throat, my voice sounded entirely too choked up. “I wish I had a way to listen to it again. Would you consider sending me a recording?”
Bishop stood, handing over a thumb drive. “Already done.” Placing it in my hand, he folded my fingers around it, and tugged me closer. “Happy birthday, Anja.” Leaning down, he kissed me softly. I felt myself open up to him, too overcome with emotion to think about what I was doing, his kiss dredging up all manner of feelings I’d thought long gone. It didn’t feel wrong at all, despite the fact that Rob waited for me down in the car, and that, more than anything else, scared me enough to pull away from his embrace. What the hell was I doing?
“I have to go,” I said, putting some much needed space between us. “Thank you for this, though. I can’t tell you what it means to me.”
“I hope you think of me whenever you listen to it.”
Oh, I could guarantee that. The hope was back in his eyes again, and I didn’t know if I should say or do something to try and squash it back down again, or just get out of there before I ended up begging him not to go. Instead I retreated to the door, feeling warm and flushed like I needed to feed. Definitely a bad sign.
Bishop took up my hand again as I reached the door. “I’m leaving now, but I’ll be back. Maybe things will be clearer by the time we see each other again.”
If he kept kissing me like that it’d be as clear as mud. We had a long time to sort things out between us, like he said before, forever is a long time. Still… something Carter once told me came rushing back as I stood in the doorway. There is no forever, sunshine. There’s just today, and I’m glad to have seen you in it. It might be a long time before I saw Bishop again. I didn’t want to give him false hope, but in the world we lived in, anything could happen.
Leaning up, I kissed him one last time, a light press of the lips in case it was our last. “Take care of yourself, okay? We have no idea how they’re going to receive these changes in Rome and across the world, so be safe.”
“Of course I will, I have something to live for now,” Bishop said with a lopsided grin.
I didn’t want to go home after that. There was still at least an hour before sunrise and I asked Gunnar to surprise me with our destination. Rob asked me if I was alright, but I couldn’t talk to him of all people about it, so I just nodded, managing a faint smile.
We pulled up to the Bleeding Hart and despite the late hour, there were still a few people hanging out, including a table of Order members who greeted me with an enthusiastic salute. I saluted them back and instructed Laveda to put the next round of drinks on my tab.
Declining Rob’s offer to secure us a table and Jarrod’s offer to join him at his, I went to the scarred mahogany bar to talk to the pretty bartender, craving female companionship.
“How’s it going? I see you’re fitting in well here,” I observed as she handed over a mean looking zombie with extra fruit. Her hair was pulled into a high ponytail, the riot of curls spilling in every direction. A Metallica t-shirt had been altered with a series of cuts and tied into a knot at the waist to reveal a taut midriff and a tattoo of a rising phoenix on the small of her back.
“Can’t complain,” she shrugged. “Tips are good and I haven’t had to worry much about straying hands. Pity that,” she winked. “How’s about you? You look like someone ran over your dog.”
Was it that obvious? “I’m a little down tonight,” I admitted, not saying more with both Rob and Gunnar standing not two feet away.
Laveda fixed me with a piercing stare, then drew two pints of beer, setting them on the bar in front of the guys. “Go on, the pair of you. Can’t you see we’re having a bit of a chinwag?” she said, making shooing motions with her hands.
Not done yet, she dug into her pocket for a pair of quarters, sticking them in the ancient jukebox with a flourish. Whiskey in the Jar by her shirt’s namesake came on and her grin stretched wide as she made her way back to the bar. “I fucking love this song,” she crowed, pouring herself a beer behind the counter to join me. “We can talk now. So, what’s got you down in the dumps then?”
I thought about shrugging her off and smothering the way I was feeling in copious amounts of alcohol. Then again, Laveda was one of the few people who knew about Rob and me. No one, not even Maggie or Jenessa could understand the predicament I found myself in better than her.
Taking note that both Rob and Gunnar were engrossed in a deep discussion about rugby with Jarrod, I took a deep breath and plunged ahead. “Do you think it’s possible to be in love with two people at the same time?”
“It’s a good question, that,” she nodded, taking a sip of her beer then tucking it back behind the counter again. “I think it’s possible to love two people, but not to be in love with the both of them.”
“I used to think so too. I used to think I knew exactly who held my heart, but now…” I shook my head. Damn Bishop anyway. Why did he have to pick now to stop being an ass? “It doesn’t hel
p that the person I wanted to give it to can’t openly accept it,” I said a touch quieter.
“Bishop made a move then?”
My brows came up. “How did you guess?”
“Why else would he turn me down?” she shrugged a bare shoulder as her t-shirt drooped on one side.
All of a sudden I started to think I’d brought my troubles to the wrong person. “I’m sorry, is it weird to talk to you about this?”
“Nah, I don’t mind. We’re family, yeah?”
“I wanted to be,” I said softly. “But I’m starting to think that can’t happen.”
Laveda nodded sagely. “It sounds like you have a decision to make. And if it’s not who I think it is, I will personally kick your ass.”
I smiled at that. “It’s complicated.”
“No it ain’t. Love’s not complicated. The crap around it can be, but love itself is the simplest thing of all. What you choose to do about it – that’s another thing entirely.”
“You’re right, thanks, Laveda. You’ve given me plenty to think about.”
“Glad to be of help. Promise me this though. No matter who you choose, would you have a care with the other one’s heart? They’re both dear to me.”
“I will,” I promised. “They’re dear to me too or I wouldn’t be in this pickle.”
Leaving the rest of my drink untouched, I collected my boys and headed for home, my mind bubbling with possibilities. I made a beeline for the sanctity of my bedroom, locking the door so as not to be disturbed. My methodical brain resorted to the same process I’d relied upon since I was in the third grade and I had to choose between the Barbie or Spiderman lunchbox.
I made a list.
Four columns, two for Rob and two for Bishop, pros and cons for each of them. Rob’s columns were easy. In the pro side I listed everything I loved about him. That he’d always been there for me, supporting me, keeping me safe. That he’d been content to love me from afar thinking I’d never return his love. The gift of his rare smile. His hands. That I couldn’t compel him and it would never come between us. That he’d live so much longer than a regular human. The beat of his heart and the taste of him. The rasp of his voice. The playfulness he shared with his family and sometimes with me. The way I felt when he kissed me – alive and free in a way I’d never felt before.
Cons for Rob included the biggie – the fact that Jakob would kill one or both of us if he found out what we felt for each other. His utter lack of remorse for killing when the situation called for it. (I went ahead and added that one to Bishop’s con column as well.) That he was basically bound in servitude to Jakob for God only knew how long. That he was mortal and would eventually grow old and die. That he wasn’t willing to stand up to Jakob and fight for me. Not that I blamed him for that last, but it was a factor. How could we have a future together if we were doomed from the start?
I started in on the pro list for Bishop and I didn’t get any farther than his name. Bishop. Just saying his name… it did things to me. I didn’t have to list his talent with music or the thrill of his kiss. Bishop. It was enough to have me staring off into space, losing utter track of what it was I was supposed to be accomplishing.
I nodded off, jerking awake as my head slipped out of my hands to look down at the list, my eyes blurred with tears from the sun streaming in through the tiny basement windows. Jumping up with a hiss, I shut the black out shades, relishing the cool darkness.
I had to get to bed before I conked out again on the floor, but I passed by my writing desk on the way, glancing down at the list there. “Bishop,” I sighed, fingers tracing over that single word with a sense of longing and loss.
What was I doing? Love wasn’t a dreamy sigh, and it was more than a wish for what once was. It was in every stolen glance I shared with Rob. I loved Rob. Not the dream of what could’ve been with Bishop and the thrill of having him chase after me for once instead of the other way around. Love was the reality of the man sleeping in the room next to mine. The man who’d risked everything for me time and again without asking for a single thing in return. All of a sudden it got a whole lot simpler, like Laveda said.
Part of me would always love Bishop, but I was in love with Rob.
I had to tell him. Never mind that he’d said he didn’t want to hear me say the words, I needed him to know it was more than an infatuation for me. That he was worth the risk.
Chapter Thirty-One
It took some finagling, but I managed to get the whole gang out of the house for the night, buying us all tickets to the ballet and then crying off at the last minute for an important meeting with Faust over Skype. Since I was planning on staying inside, I sent most of the security force with them, leaving only a few guards patrolling outside.
I pulled out all the stops. I set the TV to one of my favorite stations on Pandora, with soft swing music from the forties, knowing Rob was partial to that era. Now that I had my dining room back again, I set up an intimate candlelight dinner for Rob and me. Okay, so the food was for him and the wine was for me, but it made me happy to set out the good china for the both of us. Almost like a real date.
Thanks to the blackout curtains, we had about as much privacy as could be had in the house while surrounded by armed guards.
“What’s all this then?” Rob asked when he came into the dining room.
“This, is my way of making it up to you for missing the ballet.”
“Wouldn’t say I was missing it all that much,” he said, the dubious look on his face, making me laugh.
“Alright then, this is my way of making it up to you for missing everything since we got back.”
“Look at you, making plans,” he smiled, pulling me close, careful to keep out of sight of either door, in case we had an unexpected return by any in the household. “Are you trying to seduce me, miss?”
“Why, is it working?” I flashed him an impish grin, in an impossibly good mood.
“Too right.” Rob reached up to frame my face with his hands, thumbs stroking alongside my jaw. “Hullo,” he said gently.
“Hi,” I whispered, tipping my mouth up to his. Instead of meeting them for a kiss, his lips feathered across my cheek and I held absolutely still, waiting to see what he’d do next.
“So soft…” he breathed, lips brushing against the corner of my mouth. “And sweet.” His lips parted to taste mine, drawing my lower lip into his mouth. “Won’t be wanting anything else for supper.”
“We can save it for after,” I nodded, no longer able to keep still with him right there for the taking.
The phone rang, not the house phone, but my cell phone, which only a few people knew the number to. “Hold that thought for half a sec,” I smiled, wriggling out of his arms long enough to pick it up off the buffet table. Before I could even see the number I saw the picture and my heart sank.
Jakob.
Briefly, I toyed with the idea of not answering it. Of holing up in my house and doing whatever I damn well pleased for a change, but fear of what he’d do had me pushing the green button, injecting a note of false cheer into my voice.
“Hi, Jakob. What’s up?”
“I’ll be by to pick you up within the hour,” he said without preamble. “Make yourself ready for me.”
I closed my eyes, biting back the urge to tell him to shove it. “I can’t, I already have plans.”
“Change them.” His tone told me there would be no arguing the point. “I’ll see you soon, petal.” The line clicked off before I could get in another word and I threw my phone across the room hard enough to smash it into satisfyingly small bits.
“Goddamn it, I would like one break. Just one!” I howled, still at the peak of my tantrum.
Rob knelt to pick up the electronic remnants. “I’ll get you another phone while you’re with him,” he said stoically.
“No, I’m not doing it.” I paced the length of the room, my hands flapping in agitation. “I’m not going out with him. He can show up here all he wants, but I�
��m not jumping because he snaps his fingers.”
“You know you have to. It’s a night like any other, like as not he’ll spend half the night ignoring you anyway.”
“You don’t get it. This was supposed to be our evening alone together. Yours and mine. It was supposed to be special.”
Rob straightened, his strong arms closing around me. “It was,” he said into my hair. “Just wasn’t nearly long enough is all.”
I pressed my face into his neck, trying to draw comfort in the steady beat of his heart. “I don’t know how much longer I can keep doing this. I didn’t agree to be his slave.”
“We’ve little choice in the matter.”
“What if we leave here?” I asked, pulling back to look at him. “What if we run away?”
Rob hardly paused before he answered, not even considering it. “He’d find us. Find my sister, your family…”
“Not if he didn’t know we were running away – together, together. He could think I freaked out and ran away and you stayed by my side to protect me, like you always do.”
He was already shaking his head. “He’d expect me to report to him. When I didn’t it’d be a confirmation I was in on it with you. And what about your post as Elder? Your responsibilities?”
“I put things in motion, there’s real change happening whether I’m here to direct it or not. The council, Bishop, they’ve got the basic blocks they need to build something new and strong. I’ll always have the satisfaction of knowing I did that, whether I’m here to see it or not.”
“But to leave everything behind…”
“I can’t keep doing this,” my voice broke and I dragged in a ragged breath, finding it harder and harder to breathe. “I can’t keep pretending to be his when I’m in love with you.” There, I’d said it. Rob didn’t respond though, he stared at me, his expression unchanging. “Did you hear what I said?”
“I’m not sure.” He blinked rapidly, his head canting to one side. “It sounded like you said…”
“I love you,” I repeated, my heart sinking at the furrow of pain that brought to his brow.