My mother cried and held the notebook in her hands. She explained Dad didn’t want to even look at the questions or planning sheets in that notebook because he felt like that was somehow giving up. He didn’t want to give in to what he thought of as being resigned to his death.
What he didn’t understand was that those decisions weren’t for him. They were for us. As I sat with my brothers and my mother trying to come up with the right way to honor my father’s life and usher him respectfully and lovingly into the next, we realized just how hard every single one of those choices was.
I couldn’t think of anything. I stared at the empty pages of that notebook, willing them to tell me something. I wanted my father. I wanted his wisdom and guidance. Throughout my entire life, he had always been there for me. He was always the one I was able to turn to and tell about my problems. Even if he wasn’t able to fix them for me, he could give me exactly the right advice or suggestions to help me figure it out for myself.
But not this time. This time, we were on our own. We couldn’t hear his voice. We couldn’t see what he might be thinking in the expression on his face. Every decision we made was based on what we felt, rather than what we knew he wanted. It was painful and demoralizing.
I was unbelievably happy when it was finally all over. We had done the best we could to come up with what he would want. But it was almost suffocating. Each one of those decisions took a little bit of my breath away. Then it was a matter of going through the stages. I had to say goodbye to my father over and over again. At the wake at the bar. At the visit at the funeral home. At the service. At the graveside. At the reception at my mother’s house.
Every time, I was forced to live through it all again, and to hope we were doing something that made him proud.
The turnout for the funeral was exceptional. I knew I didn’t speak to everyone, even though I wanted to. I was grateful Brian showed up. Having both Ava and Brian there with me kept me strong, and I managed to push through. Finally, it was over.
When it was done, a sense of relief washed over me. But it didn’t soothe all of the painful emotions. I was still on edge that night at work. Being there was comforting, but it wasn’t enough to completely clear my mind. Halfway through the night, I heard someone shout in protest, and I looked over just in time to see a drunk guy stumble backward like he had been pushed.
He bumped Ava, taking her by surprise and knocking her to the ground. Rage surged up inside me. It was like anger and pain had been boiling inside me for days, and now it finally erupted. Not even bothering to walk around through the swinging gate, I planted my hands on the bar and jumped over it. I landed right next to the drunk man, who wasn’t even trying to help Ava, and I grabbed him by the back of his shirt.
Wrenching him to the side, I pulled him around and punched him directly in the face. The feeling of bones cracking beneath my knuckles was satisfying, but not enough. A woman sitting at a nearby table reached down to help Ava up off the floor, and she cried out when she turned around and saw the drunk man with blood running down his face.
She screamed as I planted another punch into his face. I punched him again, and Ava pled with me to stop. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t stop, laying into him until he was barely moving anymore and another guy came and pulled him away from me.
As soon as he was out of my reach, it was like a spell over me broke. My attention went back to Ava, and the panicked feeling of worry washed over me again. Despite her protests, I scooped her up into my arms and rushed her out of the bar. She’d hit the ground hard, and I needed to get her to the hospital to make sure the baby was okay.
Ava wouldn’t even speak to me. She sat sullenly, keeping her eyes turned away from me while the doctor checked her. She first checked the baby’s heartbeat, and I was thrilled when she was able to find it easily.
The doctor left the room for a moment and came back with an ultrasound machine. I watched as the screen beside Ava suddenly showed an image of our baby.
It was grainy, but unmistakable. The doctor pointed out the different features, and I felt a sense of hope and love unlike anything I had ever experienced.
“So, everything’s okay?” Ava asked.
“Everything is perfect,” the doctor said. “Your baby looks great. Right on track for almost twelve weeks gestation. Congratulations, you’re about to enter your second trimester. Do you have a regular prenatal care provider?”
“Yes,” Ava said. “I actually have an appointment next week.”
“Perfect. I will get that information from you and get in touch with your doctor just to let her know what happened. Just take it easy for the next couple of days. Everything will be just fine,” the doctor said.
“Thank you so much,” Ava said. “I really appreciate it.”
“Of course,” the doctor said. “Congratulations again.”
“Thank you,” Ava said.
I took Ava home and walked her up to the door. I wanted to come inside, but she stopped at the door and turned to block the way.
“No,” she said.
“No?” I asked.
“No. You can’t come in. Do you have any idea how upset your behavior made me tonight?”
“My behavior?” I asked incredulously. “That guy knocked you over. What was I supposed to do? Just stand there and let it happen?”
“You didn’t have to beat him up,” she said. “I couldn’t believe how vicious and violent you were. It was terrifying.”
That hit me right in the gut. “I’m so sorry, Ava. I would never want to scare you. I just don’t know what to do anymore.”
I turned away to try to fight the tears trying to spill down my face. Ava wrapped her arms around me and kissed me in the center of the back. She took my hand and guided me inside. We sat down on the couch, and she held my hand.
“I’m here for you,” she said. “I will always be here for you. You can talk to me about anything. No matter how you’re feeling, I’m here to listen.”
“I’ve been feeling so out of control since Dad died. I’ve been trying to fight it, but as soon as I saw you land on the ground, there was nothing I could do. I was so scared something happened to our baby, and it just set me off. After watching Dad die, it snapped something inside me to see you on the ground like that, clutching your belly.”
“I’m always touching my belly,” Ava said. “It’s just something I like to do. And it startled me to get knocked over like that, but I wasn’t hurt. I was just so upset and terrified when you laid into that guy like that. I’ve never seen you that way, and I never want to see you that way again.”
“I’ve never felt that way,” I admitted. “I was just so angry. I can’t even describe it.”
Ava rubbed my back. “It’s okay to be angry. That’s a part of the grieving process. You don’t have to be able to explain it, or to justify it to anybody. Your feelings are yours, and they are valid. But you can’t take them out on other people.”
“I know,” I said. “I’m so sorry.”
Ava wrapped her arms around me, and we slowly slid back to lay on the couch, tangled up together. I rested my hand on her belly and she put her hand on top of mine. I found strength in my little family, and I knew they were what would see me through.
39
Ava
Everybody fawned on me when I went back to work the next day. It was all too much, and I wished they would just pretend the whole thing didn’t happen. It was terrifying to be sure, but I wasn’t hurt, and neither was the baby. In fact, we got a chance to get an unexpected glimpse at the little one, which was incredible.
My doctor told me she didn’t like performing too many ultrasounds throughout a pregnancy. Unless there was some reason to believe the baby might be in distress, or there could be something else serious going on, she limited ultrasounds to the anatomy scan around twenty weeks.
That sounded like forever away. When she told me that, I was just eight weeks pregnant. She told me she didn’t need to see me again for s
everal weeks and we could get an ultrasound and find out the sex of the baby at twenty weeks. That meant I was looking at another three months before I could catch that first sweet look at my little one.
While I wouldn’t have chosen to be caught up in a barroom brawl and tossed to the ground, at least seeing the baby was a good consolation. And that’s what I tried to focus on when I got back to the bar and everyone wanted to fuss over me. I was a little sore, and there would definitely be a bruise on my hip where I hit the ground, but I didn’t want to dwell on it.
Unfortunately, it didn’t seem the universe shared that sentiment. The bar was barely open for the evening when I saw Mason tighten up and his jaw set. He looked away like he was struggling to control his emotions, and I looked in the direction he had been looking.
One of our regular customers had just come in and was coming toward the bar with a nervous expression on his face.
“What’s going on?” I asked Mason.
“Why don’t you ask him,” Mason said. “Maybe he’ll explain to you why he pushed that guy into you the other night.”
I was shocked by the revelation. This was one of the sweetest guys who came into the bar. He never caused any trouble or said anything even close to inappropriate to me or to Miranda. Now Mason was telling me he was the one responsible for me getting knocked over.
“Is that true?” I asked Dante. “You pushed that guy into me?”
“Yes, but I didn’t mean to. I didn’t realize he was going to stumble like that and hit you. If I had known that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have done it.”
“Why did you?” I asked. “I’ve never seen you so much as have a cross word with somebody. Why on Earth would you start a bar fight with somebody?”
“He had just stolen all of the tips out of the tip jar,” Dante revealed. “I was standing there at the bar, and I watched him reach into the tip jar and take everything out of it. And there was a lot. A whole big group had just come by and put a ton in there. I’m sure that’s why he decided to snatch it. I told him to put it back, but he refused.”
“So, that’s why you pushed him,” I said.
Dante nodded. “Yes. He was just going to walk up and pay his tab with the money he just stole, then leave. I couldn’t let him do that. That money belongs to you and Miranda. Especially with the little one coming, it wasn’t fair that you would work so hard and then have your tips stolen from you.”
“I can’t believe somebody would do something like that,” I said.
“Neither can I,” Dante said. “It was such a shock. That’s why I reacted the way I did. I should have thought about it more, and I was horrified when I saw him knock you over. I’m so sorry. Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” I said. “Mason brought me to the hospital to get me checked out and to make sure the baby’s okay. Everything looks great. We were even able to see the ultrasound. That was the first time.”
Dante grinned. “That’s wonderful. I’m so happy for you. Do you know yet if it’s a boy or a girl?”
“Not yet,” I said. “Just a couple more months. It’s killing me to wait.”
“Have you tried out any of the old wives’ tales to see if they will predict it for you?” Dante asked.
“Old wives’ tales?” I asked. “What do you mean?”
“Things like analyzing your cravings or looking at your Chinese astrology chart,” Dante said. “You can also attach a crystal or a coin to a piece of string and dangle it over the center of your belly while you’re lying down and watch the pattern it makes when it swings. If it swings straight like a pendulum, that means it’s a boy. If it swings in a circle, it means it’s a girl. I think.”
“Do they actually do anything?” I asked. “I mean, are they at all accurate?”
“Oh, yeah,” Miranda said, coming up beside me. “My grandmother predicted every single one of my cousins.”
“How many cousins are there?” Mason asked.
“Four,” Miranda said.
“Well, as impressive as that track record is, I think we’ll go ahead and wait for the ultrasound,” I said. I didn’t want said old wives to predict one thing and then have it turn out to be the other. I was a planner, and I liked to get things done in advance. Which meant if I did one of those predictions, I would end up having a closet full of clothes and the nursery decorated within a week. That it would just be one giant hassle to undo it all if it was wrong when the baby came along.
Mason came up behind me and laughed, kissing me on the cheek. “Ever the logical businesswoman,” he said.
“Well,” Dante said. “If you change your mind and want to try one of them, let me know. I want to be a part of it.”
I giggled. “Sure thing.”
“And, Ava, I’m so sorry, again. I really didn’t mean for you to get involved.”
“You don’t need to apologize,” I said. “I appreciate you sticking up for Miranda and me. That means a lot.”
“Yes, it does,” Mason said. “You’re getting taken care of tonight. Order whatever you want. It’s covered.”
Dante grinned. “Thank you.”
The rest of the night was more relaxed, and I found myself laughing and having more fun than I’d had in a while. There was still sadness in those moments when we started thinking about Mason’s father, but in a way it was like he was there with us. And I found comfort in that.
After work, Mason drove me home. He walked me up to the door and paused.
“Can I stay with you tonight?” he asked.
“Of course,” I said.
“Good. I’ll be right back. I left my stuff in the truck,” he said.
He jogged back down the sidewalk to the truck and pulled out a bag. I laughed when he threw it over his shoulder and came walking back up the sidewalk.
“You just happen to have that in the truck?” I asked. “No planning or anything went into that?”
“Not at all,” he said. “These are all just random things I found under the seats.”
I shook my head and unlocked the door. We went inside, and Mason closed the door behind us. But he didn’t follow me further into the house. I stopped and turned back to look at him.
“What is it?” I asked. “Are you okay?”
“I’m more than okay,” he said. “I want to spend every single night with you. Not just tonight. Not just next week. Every night for the rest of our lives.” He reached into his bag and pulled out a ring box. “Ava, I love you more than I could ever say. I have loved you for so many years, and I love you more now than I ever have. I believe with every bit of myself that this is fate. I believe you were sent back here so we could fall in love again and create another child together. Will you marry me?”
I wanted to come up with something brilliant to say. But there were no words. All I could do was nod and finally give the only answer that I could squeeze through the emotion in my throat.
“Yes,” I said.
Mason slipped the ring onto my finger and stood to scoop me in his arms. He kissed me deeply, then carried me into the bedroom. And I knew then I would never run away again.
Epilogue
Mason - Six Months Later
“Um. Mason? My water just broke,” Ava whispered from somewhere in my mid-dream. The words hit me like a brick, and I woke up suddenly.
“Are you sure?” I tossed the covers aside and searched for the to-go bag.
“Absolutely. Are you okay?” she asked as she calmly got up out of the bed and slipped on big fuzzy slippers.
I knew this day was coming any day now, but somehow still felt like I had tons of time to get ready. It was always abstract, and now that it wasn’t anymore, I was scrambling.
“I’ll be fine. Let’s just get you to the hospital,” I said as I took off running down the hallway, bag in hand. I tossed it into the truck and ran back to her, helping her out of the house and into the passenger’s seat.
“I’m trying my best not to speed, but I am also trying not to go too slowly
. That is why,” I said as I hit the turn signal roughly a mile before I was going to turn.
“Yes, but you realize that you’ve been speeding around corners and slowing down on straightaways, right?” Ava asked.
“Well, I have a lot on my mind!” I exclaimed. The withering look from beside me made me bite my bottom lip for a moment.
“Yes, and it’s just a 4:00 a.m. trip to the hospital, so I can play Parcheesi, right?” she asked.
“Point taken. We’re almost there. Are you okay?” I asked, hoping to move past my stupidity with overwhelming concern instead.
“I’ll be fine, just go slow. The four seconds you might save is not worth the spike in my blood pressure,” she said.
I nodded, not wanting to press my luck any further, and turned the radio down. It was a silly thing to do, to turn the radio down because I was trying to look for something, especially since I was still singing the peppy eighties tune under my breath, but I did it anyway and saw the cross street that led to the entrance of the hospital.
We pulled in, and I drove to the emergency drop-off. My call ahead to Tyler, getting the phone tree started, had resulted in what I was sure were a lot of confused reactions, but I didn’t expect anyone else to be there for a while yet. That’s why I was so surprised to see Jesse’s car pull up right behind us. As I got out to open the door for Ava, he rushed over.
“Hey, you take her in, I’ll park your car,” he said.
“You don’t have to do that,” Ava said as she struggled to get out of the seat. I leaned down to take her by the elbow and wedge her out, but Jesse hopped in on the other side and we lifted her instead.
“It’s the least I can do. You guys get in there,” he said. I handed him the keys, and he wrapped me in a big hug, a smile stretching across his face that seemed to light him up. “It’s the big day, brother! I am so excited to meet my nephew!”
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