Gravity (Free Falling)

by St. Pierre, Raven

  “That wasn’t so hard, was it?” He asked.

  “No, I guess not.” Get a grip, Sam. He’s gonna think you’re mentally retarded if you don’t stop acting like this. Relaxing my shoulders a bit, I leaned back. I’d forgotten that his arm was still resting behind me, so I was a little surprised when the bare skin of my arm grazed his hand which felt much hotter than the normal 98.6 degrees that it should’ve been. Another shiver ran through my body and I could feel goose bumps rising up. What is it about him? I shuddered involuntarily, but he didn’t seem to notice. In such close proximity to him, his cologne whirled around me in tempting waves that threatened to take over my senses.

  “You’re house is pretty quiet. Where’s everybody?” He asked, making me eternally grateful that he’d broken the silence.

  “Umm…at church,” I replied shyly, fidgeting with my earring.

  He smiled devilishly. “So, they don’t know that I’m here?”

  “No, that’s why you’ll have to leave by 2:30. They wouldn’t appreciate me having company – male company – without their permission.”

  He was silent for a few seconds. “Are they the only ones who don’t know I’m here with you?” He asked suggestively. His question caused me to acknowledge the guilt that I’d hoped to suppress for the next few hours. There was someone else besides my parents who would have been very disappointed in the poor decisions I’d made in the last few hours – someone who wouldn’t understand my selfish motivations or my unclearly defined feelings. I sighed and almost uttered his name aloud as I exhaled…….Antonio.

  “Speaking of which, I’m curious about something,” AJ stated, jolting me from the guilty accusations that I was making toward myself.

  “What’s that?” I asked.

  “Are you and the guy from last night together, or….?”

  I was taken aback by his forthrightness which caused me to stumble over my words as I responded. “W–Well…..we’re together.”

  It didn’t seem as though that shocked him at all. ”Thought so. How long?”

  “Since May,” I said in a softer voice than I should’ve. AJ didn’t respond right away.

  “Hmm, so are you happy with him?” he asked.

  “Antonio’s a great guy; he’s thoughtful; considerate. All those things,” I rambled robotically. My eyes darted in AJ’s direction when he began to laugh to himself. “What’s funny?” I demanded.

  “Nothing really, I’m just trying to decide whether you’re trying to convince me or yourself.”

  “What? Neither!” His allegation irritated me.

  “Oh really? Then why didn’t you just give me a straight answer? I didn’t ask what you thought of him. I asked if you were happy with him. That only requires a simple yes or no response,” he reasoned. His declaration made me think. I had completely evaded his question. But the truth was that I didn’t know how to answer it. Antonio was a good catch. What girl in her right mind wouldn’t be completely happy with him? But I would be lying if I didn’t admit that these past few days had me questioning my certitude. Antonio was all those things I’d rattled off to AJ, but for some reason I still wasn’t content to just say yes. If I was in fact completely happy, would there have been room for AJ to step in the way I’d allowed him to? Was it possible for a good guy as perfect as Antonio to still not be enough?

  “It’s not like it means that he’s not a good person or anything,” AJ reasoned. “Sometimes someone can be quite literally perfect in every way, but they just aren’t perfect for you,” he added, unaware that he was answering the question I’d just asked in my head. He must’ve noticed the intense flare of emotion that filled my face, so he quickly changed the subject. “Can I see your room?” He asked.

  Having him here without my parent’s permission was bad enough, but having him in my room was definitely a no-no. I was hesitant, but as I said before, my mind and body are operating on different wavelengths these days, so of course I said, “Sure”.

  We climbed the steps silently. I don’t know what was running through his head. My own thoughts were flashing back and forth between how bad it would be if my parents just happened to return at this exact moment and calculating how much time I had left with him before he had to leave. When we reached my door I opened it and we walked in, but I just stood there – too nervous to go any further. AJ looked around and a smile crossed his face. Seconds later it turned into a quiet laugh.

  “What’s funny now?” I asked with a slight trace of worry in my voice.

  “Nothing, it’s…..nice. Very pink,” he replied.

  “What’s wrong with pink?”

  “Nothing is wrong with pink. I said it was nice. It’s just that it looks exactly the way I’d imagined it would. It fits you.”

  “What do you mean by that?” I asked and stared at him waiting for a response, but he ignored the question and walked over to my desk to pick up one of my magazines before plopping down on the bed. It didn’t seem like he noticed the tension emanating from me. I’d never had a boy on my bed, or in my room for that matter. Even Antonio had never made it past the living room.

  “You really read these things?” He asked.

  “Yeah, they’re informative.”

  He smiled. “Informative. What exactly have you ever learned from a magazine like this?”

  “Well…..lots of things. For instance, I keep up with who’s dating who in Hollywood and you can get some really good make-up tips too.”

  He shook his head and turned the page again. “That’s hardly useful. You’re beautiful without make-up,” AJ replied.

  He certainly had a way with words that left me speechless. “Thank you,” was all I could say. Our eyes locked on one another, neither of us able to break our gaze. My heart began to race as I watched him lick his lips subconsciously. I’d never met anyone like him before. He’s a compilation of every woman’s fantasy and the only thing that could’ve distracted anyone from his perfect face was his equally perfect physique. And here he was, sitting in this very room.

  “Beautiful,” he uttered once more under his breath and then beckoned for me to come sit with him. My resolve had weakened a little more and I didn’t bother to keep him waiting; who would I be fooling anyway with a phony hesitation? I walked over and sat Indian-style beside him on the bed, wishing that I could get so much closer.

  “So, what do you do for fun?” He inquired.

  “Hmm……I paint; go to the movies with my girls; I read a little; go bowling.”

  “You paint? That’s pretty cool. Maybe I can see some of your work sometime,” he replied. I nodded and found myself feeling a little nervous at the thought.

  “What about you? What do you do for fun?”

  “I bowl sometimes too; play basketball. I do the movie thing on occasion. We should go see one together sometime.” I jumped a little when he moved to lean back on his elbows, but he didn’t notice.

  “Yeah, that sounds fun. What kind of movies do you like?” I asked.

  “Horror flicks are the best, but I like Action too. You?”

  “I guess we have something in common. I love scary movies,” I replied and smiled shyly. He laughed a little to himself, then stared up at the ceiling thoughtfully and sighed. With his eyes averted away from me, I had time to observe him again. His skin was just as flawless as the rest of his features and I subconsciously looked down at my own and noted the difference in our tones. I fought past my apprehension and blurted out, “Do you mind if I ask you a question?”

  “Nope. What’s up?” He asked.

  “Have you ever dated a black girl before?”

  AJ laughed again and then answered my question with a condescending quality to his voice, still gazing up at the ceiling, “No. I’ve never dated a black girl before.”

  I began to ask the question aloud that I intended to keep in my private thoughts “Then wh….”

  “I’m attracted to you; race has nothing to do with it,” he answered, cutting me off mid-sentence as he
looked into my eyes again. The deep gaze brought out a strong urge to lean in and kiss him, but I knew better. If I stood any chance of handling the burden of guilt that was already on my shoulders, there wasn’t room to add anything else. I resisted, but there was no way the longing wasn’t visible on my face. AJ must’ve had the same feeling because I noticed that his eyes had shifted downward and focused steadily on my lips. I saw him inhale and exhale slowly and a smile broke free before I could catch it. He smiled back and I realized that I was definitely feeling him more than I’d expected.

  I turned my face away, trying to fight the pull I felt toward him – it was like we were two opposite poles of a magnet being uncontrollably pulled together by some unseen force. This would be a good time to distract myself by asking him a few more questions. “So, do you have any brothers and sisters?”

  “Nope, it’s just me. I think my mom wanted to have more, but my dad didn’t. Guess he won that argument. What about you?”

  “No, me either. I used to think that I’d like a little sister, but I got over it.” He looked at my face knowing that there was something else that I wanted to ask him. I worked up the nerve and went for it. “Can I ask you something else? If you don’t wanna answer, that’s fine.”

  “For you, I’m an open book. What is it?”

  “What…..are you?” I said sheepishly.

  AJ broke out in a loud laugh that startled me. “Are you asking my nationality?”

  “Yeah, I mean… I know you’re Asian, but like…..what part of Asia. I’m sorry if that didn’t come out right. I just didn’t really know how to word it. ”

  “It’s fine.” He said, still smiling. “I’m Japanese. My father’s parents came here about 55 years ago and started their own construction company, so my dad and uncle were both born here in the States. He met my mom on one of his yearly trips back to Japan visiting my great-grandparents. He saw her working in a market, fell in love, and they were married three months later.”

  “Wow…..only three months? That’s crazy. How could they be that sure after such a short amount of time?”

  “My dad said that one look was all it took. Well…..for him anyway.” AJ smiled again. “Mom wasn’t as convinced as he was. Being with him meant leaving her family behind and starting over. I guess my dad won that argument too. He can be relatively persuasive.”

  “Have you ever been there?” I asked.

  “Japan? Yeah. My dad still insists on visiting every summer. You’d think my mom would be eager to get back, but she protests almost every year. Dad thinks she just hates the long flight, but I don’t think that’s it.”

  “What’s your theory?” I asked.

  “Well, I remember the trip we took when I was like eight or nine. The day before we were scheduled to leave she was crying uncontrollably. Like…..the whole day! It was like she was reliving that moment again, when she left to move here with my dad.”

  AJ’s intuitiveness definitely impressed me. He could’ve easily written his mother’s feelings off as nothing more than her dreading the long flight as his father had, but he saw that it was something much deeper than that.

  “That makes sense.” I replied. “I can’t imagine not having my family around. Don’t get me wrong, my dad can be a bit overbearing at times, but they are really important to me. As much as I look forward to leaving for college and having more freedom, I get sad when I think about not being able to see my parents every day.”

  “Yeah, that’ll be strange. My mom won’t be able to handle the thought of three states separating her from me.”

  “What school are you planning to attend?” I inquired.

  “I just got my acceptance letter from Westwood a couple weeks ago. What’s your plan?”

  “I’m still waiting to hear back from Charleston.” I was secretly nervous about being denied admission, but I tried to push that out of my mind. “It’s a little scary to think of not knowing anyone.”

  AJ looked at me curiously. “What about this Antonio guy? Isn’t he going with you?”

  I hesitated before answering. “No, he’s got a scholarship to Blanchard. But he said that’s only like an hour away from Charleston.”

  There was an uncomfortable silence before A. J. went on. “Hmm.”

  “What?” I asked, unsure of what he was thinking.

  “Nothing, it’s just…” He stopped.

  “Just what?”

  “I was just wondering how that’s gonna work out…..the long distance thing, but I guess it’s none of my business.”

  “Well that’s not really long distance. It’s only an hour…..but who knows what could happen by then,” I replied carelessly.

  AJ looked at me thoughtfully as if he was trying to decipher the true meaning behind my words, but he didn’t say anything. Replaying my own statement in my head, I stared off into space. What could happen by then? I uncrossed my legs and stretched out on my side with my feet hanging off the bed.

  “Finally,” AJ sighed.

  “Finally what?”

  “It’s been like over an hour and you’re just now getting comfortable around me.”

  “I was never uncomfortable,” I said defensively.

  “Yeah, okay.” He flashed that smile again.

  “I was just…..being cautious.”

  “Cautious?” He asked. “That’s an interesting word choice.”

  I sighed and then continued. “You make me…..act differently than I usually do.”

  “What’s that mean?” He stared at me inquisitively as when he asked.

  “I don’t know…..I just don’t seem to do what I know I should when it comes to you.”

  He smiled. “I still don’t understand.”

  “Like responding to your text last night; like asking you to call me when I’m already in a relationship with Antonio; like you being here for instance; I know that this is all wrong, and yet…..here you are,” I said, motioning toward him with my hand. There was a brief silence as I decided to admit more than I’d originally intended. “You even have my feelings all mixed up.”

  AJ gazed at me thoughtfully for a few seconds while he considered everything I’d just said. “As much as I don’t want to, would it make it easier for you if I backed off…..just left you alone?”

  “No!” I replied a little too dramatically. “I’m just trying to make sense of everything, but I know that’s not the answer.” I couldn’t even consider it.

  “Look, I’m really, really starting to like you, but I understand that you’re already involved with this Antonio guy. So, if you want me to leave you alone, I’ll do my best to give you your space.”

  My thoughts drifted back to when I’d been so sure of everything, but even my desire for that peace to return was not enough to make me want him gone. I was past the point where that was even an option. I smiled at him reassuringly, and after staring into my eyes searching for any trace of doubt, he smiled back at me.

  Our conversation went on flowing smoothly for the remainder of our visit together. We’d talked about our families a little more, our friends at school, our career plans for the future and the list goes on and on.

  2:26…..I didn’t have to remind AJ about the time. He sat up and slowly rose to his feet and in that same instant my nerves got the best of me again. It was time to say goodbye and I wasn’t clear on how that was supposed to go. Would he kiss me, or would he simply pat me on the back on his way out the door? I didn’t have to wonder for long. He reached for my hand and pulled me up off the bed. The next thing I know, his arms wrapped around my waist as he hugged me gently. I closed my eyes and tried to commit the feeling to memory, but it was almost too much for me to handle. If it weren’t for my parents coming home soon, I could have stayed this way with him for hours and still wouldn’t have grown tired of it. Eventually we separated ourselves and stood there only inches apart staring at each other for a long while.

  “I guess I should go,” AJ said. He was standing close enough to my face that I c
ould’ve easily reached his lips, so I backed up a step to break the spell. He stared a moment longer before looking away. I turned to lead him down the stairs; neither of us speaking another word. Through our embrace, we’d already said so much without ever opening our mouths. I stood in the doorway watching him climb into his car and back out of my driveway. In an instant….he was gone.

  Once inside my room, I closed and locked the door behind me. I sprawled out across my bed and inhaled his cologne that still lingered in the air. Lying there, I imagined that he was still with me. AJ was absolutely unbelievable, and I loved that he seemed to like me too. While basking in this thought, I reached over to turn my radio on and let the soft music become the soundtrack to my thoughts. He was all I could think about. I wanted to call him already, but I didn’t want to come across as overly anxious. So, I forced myself to refrain but continued to let my thoughts wander.

  The rest of the evening seemed mundane compared to the hours I’d spent with him. Dinner was at 6:30. My parents and I discussed how the dance went. Daddy spoke of the sermon at church from that morning. I did what little homework I had, watched about an hour of TV with my parents and retreated to my room at about 10:30. I had trouble settling down for bed because I was starting to feel uneasy about school the next day. A thousand and one questions ran through my head. What would it be like now that AJ and I were in limbo somewhere between friendship and…..whatever was coming next? Is this a huge mistake? Could I stand to leave AJ alone and never know what could’ve been?

  Chapter Three

  I hurried to grab a good space when I pulled into the parking lot and shut the car off before doing a quick scan to see if AJ had arrived yet. Obsessing over anything is not my style, so I had to convince myself that that wasn’t what I was doing. It’s perfectly normal to think about someone up until the second you fall asleep and wake up with them on your mind too, right?