I chuckled even though nothing was funny. “Unnecessary information. That’s a nice way to put it.” I was now more furious than before. AJ reached for my arm as I brushed past him and walked back down the stairs. I sat on the bottom step and wrestled with my shoelaces.
AJ sat beside me. “You know I didn’t mean it like that.”
“Yeah, maybe not, but that sure is how you said it. I don’t think you get it! I lost my virginity to you. Do you understand that? That meant something to me! I’ve been through soooooo much already and your life hasn’t even skipped a beat!” I yelled.
He didn’t seem to lose his cool at all as he spoke. “Sam, that meant something to me too. I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings. If you want me to tell them, then that’s what I’ll do. I guess I didn’t look at it the way you do.”
“Of course you don’t look at it how I look at it. My whole life has been flipped upside down for you. I don’t even know who I am anymore! I’ve lied, I’ve cheated, I slapped Leila, I slept with you! None of that is me, AJ. I love being with you, but it just feels like I’m the only one making any sacrifices.”
We both sat there silent for about a minute and then I rose to my feet and walked out to the car, feeling the deepest sort of disrespect I’d ever experienced. What possible excuse could he have for not thinking I was important enough to even breathe a syllable of my name to his mother and father? The only thing I could come up with was the he didn’t think I was important enough. I sat there in my seat feeling hurt, but too proud to show him that I was. I waited as AJ locked up the house and then sat beside me, driving in silence the entire ride to the auto repair shop. When he pulled up next to my car, I climbed out quickly and avoided even making eye contact with him.
“Thanks for fixing my car,” was all I said before slamming his passenger side door and walking to my car. My keys were on the driver’s seat, so I grabbed them and started the car, pulling out of the parking lot without looking back in his direction.
*****
It was inconceivable to me how he could claim to be so serious about me and even consider altering his plans for college and yet he was still hiding our relationship from his parents. Was he ashamed of me? It didn’t make sense to me.
I kicked my shoes off and drew my feet up under me as I sat on the edge of my bed. This was not something that I expected after things between us had been going so well. I sighed and lay back just before hearing the faint buzz of my phone in my purse. I held it up to my face to look at the caller ID. Antonio? I couldn’t even imagine why he’d still be talking to me. I wasn’t really in the mood to deal with anyone, but I guess the least I could do for him was answer his call.
“Hello?” I answered with suspicion heavy in my voice.
He didn’t respond right away. “Hey, you busy?”
“No, not at all. What’s going on?”
He breathed deeply into the phone. “Nothing. I just……..missed you and thought that I’d call to check on you.”
His kind gesture caught me off guard. In spite of all that I’d put him through, he was still thoughtful enough to check on me. Unbelievable. “That’s sweet of you. Everything’s fine though. How’ve you been?”
“Fine I guess. You’ve just really been on my mind lately. Terrence told me they saw you and……” He paused and amended his statement. “He said he saw you at the movies.”
I was immediately uncomfortable. “Yeah, I saw him.”
His next statement came out of nowhere. “Are you really happy with him?” His tone was soft and hopeful. “Because sometimes people get in a situation and it’s not what they thought it would be. I just wanted to be sure that…..you’re sure.”
There was a long silence. He’d asked me that question at the wrong time, but I tried to clear my head of today’s argument with AJ before answering. “Yeah, I’m happy.” He didn’t respond. “I’m so sorry that I hurt you, Antonio. I hope you believe that. If you could ever forgive me, I wanna fix this. You’ve been a great friend to me and I don’t really wanna lose that.”
“I don’t know if I can handle just being your friend. My feelings are still too……” He paused. “I just don’t know if I can do that.” I thought he’d finished his statement, but he continued. “But if that’s all I can have you as, I’ll take it.”
I smiled. “I’m glad you’re willing to give it a chance.” I wasn’t sure where to take the conversation from here. It was too soon for casual dialogue, but I wasn’t sure if this was a good place to end it. Luckily, Antonio had a call on his other line, so he had to go. I hung up the phone and felt relieved that I was now sure that he didn’t hate me. He maybe didn’t fully understand everything, but he wasn’t angry with me anymore.
The next morning at school I did my best to avoid AJ. I wasn’t ready to see him. I was still too upset. At lunch, I sat at my table alone. When he entered the lunchroom, he sat next to Karl and watched me for a while as I did my best to ignore him. From the corner of my eye, I could also see Antonio watching me curiously. The current seating arrangement AJ and I were adhering to must’ve made it obvious to Antonio that there was trouble in paradise. The next time I glanced over at him, his eyes had drifted down to the table and he was laughing to himself.
The lunch bell rang and I rushed for the door. I wanted to get to Ms. Jamison’s class before AJ. The thought of making an entrance with him sitting there made me nervous because of the tension between us. When he entered, I pretended to be engrossed in my textbook, but that didn’t stop him from interrupting me.
“How long do you plan on not speaking to me?” He asked.
I turned my body a little in the opposite direction of him and continued to pay no attention to him. He sighed, leaned back in his seat, and didn’t try to speak to me again for the rest of the hour. At the end of the day I didn’t bother going to my locker. He was outside by the door with Karl and Randy, talking about whatever it is that boys talk about when there are no girls around. He didn’t bother to get my attention because he already knew that I’d just ignore him. I threw my bag in the car and took off, noticing him watching me from the rearview mirror.
Maybe I was being a little immature, but I didn’t quite know how to deal with my hurt. I made up my mind to call him, but I couldn’t be sure when that would be. I paced back and forth across my floor. My thoughts were jumbled and my nerves were rattled. Suddenly I felt a bad case of the munchies coming on and I darted toward the kitchen. Halfway down the stairs, my phone buzzed in my pocket. I pulled it out expecting to see AJ’s name on the caller ID, but was a little surprised to see that it was Antonio.
“Hey,” I answered
“Hey. I was just making sure everything was alight. I saw you sitting alone today at lunch.”
“Yeah, I just needed to clear my head.”
“Somebody must’ve pissed you off. I know how you shut people out when you get mad.” He hesitated before continuing. “Do you mind if I ask what happened?”
I really didn’t feel comfortable sharing the details of my relationship. I wasn’t sure if he was trying to be a good friend or to be nosey. It was more than likely the latter of the two, but he’d always given me sound advice in the past. I exhaled and began, remembering to be as vague as possible. “I’m just starting to feel like I’m putting more in this than he is.”
“Why’s that?” He asked.
I was hesitant to elaborate. “He hasn’t told his parents about me yet and I basically fell out with my dad for a few days because I told him about AJ. There’s more to it than that, but I don’t feel like getting into it.”
Antonio was quiet for a while. “Hello?” I asked.
“Yeah. I’m here.” He paused again. “I thought I could do this, but I’m not ready to hear you talk about him yet. Let’s change the subject.”
“Sounds good to me,” I replied with relief in my voice.
“So……can I come see you?” He asked.
I froze. What should I say? On the one hand Anto
nio and I were friends now and it would be perfectly innocent. On the other hand, I didn’t want to do anything to jeopardize my relationship with AJ. I thought it over for a moment before finally giving in. “Fine, but I’ll just come over there.” That way I could be sure that AJ wouldn’t stop by and find me here with Antonio.
I hung up the phone and stood there. I couldn’t be sure that this wasn’t a mistake, but I was glad to have Antonio back as a friend, so I didn’t want to risk hurting his feelings by going back on my word.
The drive there was tougher than I thought. I was trying to decide if I should just turn around and go back home. Even as I pulled up in front of his house, I was having second thoughts. After taking a deep breath I opened the door and walked to the porch. I lifted my hand to knock, but Antonio opened it before I had the chance. A big smile crossed his face as he stepped aside to let me in. Slowly, I walked past him, still a little uncomfortable with my decision to show up. He waited for me to take my shoes off and then I followed him over to the couch. I made sure to sit on the opposite end so that I wouldn’t give him any ideas.
I reluctantly turned to look at him. In all the drama that had taken place over the last month I’d forgotten how handsome he was. His dark skin still appealed to me and reminded me of a milk chocolate candy bar. I could almost taste it in my mouth as I looked over his face. It wasn’t in my plans to feel this way around him, but this wasn’t anything I couldn’t handle.
“I’m glad you came.” He looked over my face slowly. “It’s strange not being able to call you when I want to. It always feels like something’s missing.”
There was no point in responding to his statement. I already knew that Antonio still loved me, but so much had transpired between us that I wasn’t sure of how strong that love was. If I was completely honest with myself, I did still harbor feelings for him as well, but they didn’t compare to my love for AJ. It was difficult to explain, even to myself and they’re my feelings.
As he stared at me, his smile faded and he dropped his gaze to the floor. Sadness filled his face as he thought to himself. I wanted to go to him and comfort him, but I wasn’t sure if that was a bad idea. As quickly as the mood came over him, it passed. He shook it off and asked, “So, have you heard from Charleston yet?”
I tried to focus on what he was saying. “Uh…..no, not yet, but it shouldn’t be much longer I hope. Are you getting excited about leaving for Blanchard?” I asked.
“Not really; it’s just gonna be another four years of school.”
I laughed at his response. “But you have to at least be looking forward to dorm life, right?”
There was another silent moment. “Umm…..I’m not gonna be living on campus.”
I was confused. “But…..I thought you had everything worked out already? What changed?”
He looked into my eyes and his expression was serious. “I didn’t change my mind about the apartment. I’ve already found a few places that I wanna check out.”
I had to close my mouth which was gaping open. “But….. Are you…..”
He interrupted my mindless babbling. “I just have a hunch that things between us aren’t completely over and I don’t want distance to be the problem.”
No words would come out of my mouth no matter how hard I tried to speak. My body stiffened as Antonio scooted closer to me on the couch. I didn’t even have time to react as he held my chin in his hand and pressed his soft, warm lips to mine. I wanted to back up, but part of me wanted to let him have his way. Needless to say that side of me won. I felt his tongue separate my lips and enter my mouth. Both of his hands were now holding my face lightly enough that if I wanted to, I could’ve moved, but there was no chance of that.
I had to be careful not to let things get too out of hand. After all, I’d opened Pandora’s Box, sexually speaking, and I didn’t want to do something that I’d regret later. He sucked my lower lip between his and then I had to pull away. The intensity was starting to get to me.
I stood to my feet and decided to cut my visit short. When I started walking toward the door to escape whatever was happening between us, he reached out and grabbed my hand, stopping me mid-stride. He stared at me intently as he spoke. “He doesn’t love you like I love you. And he never will. Don’t expect me not to fight for you.” He released my hand and I didn’t say another word. I walked to my car hastily as the feeling of guilt came upon me. Although Antonio had kissed me, I’d definitely let him.
My hands were shaking as I drove. What’s happening? I can’t do this again? I can’t handle it! I needed to talk to someone so that I could make sense of my feelings. But there was no one that was completely neutral. Leslie wouldn’t want to hear it. Deanna was definitely going to be biased and there was the risk of her telling Karl. There was no one who would understand. My first reaction was to have an emotional breakdown right there in the car, but I was tired of crying over this situation. I had to keep a clear head.
I pulled up to my house and nearly had a heart attack when I saw AJ parked out front. I wasn’t sure what to do or say. The only thing that kept me remotely calm was to tell myself that I hadn’t committed any real offense. After all, it was just a kiss, right? My rationale did nothing to take away the guilt. I stepped out of the car and AJ approached me reluctantly. His expression was remorseful.
“Aren’t you supposed to be in practice?” I asked coldly to deflect my own guilt.
“Yeah, but I thought I’d stop by and talk to you and just go late, but I didn’t expect for you not to be here. Where’d you go?”
My breathing became uneven. “Why didn’t you call first so I could’ve told you not to waste your time?”
“Like you would’ve answered. I don’t get why you’re acting like this. I told you that if you really wanted me to talk to my parents I would.”
I glared at him. “It really doesn’t matter anymore. You didn’t think that it was ‘necessary information’ until I brought it up. It’s not like I’m asking to meet them or anything, I just want to be important enough that you would want to tell them about me.”
It was obvious that my point had hit home with him. “Sam, I really am sorry. I don’t tell them much about my personal life, and I should’ve treated our situation differently.”
It was hard work being mad at him. His charm won me over. I moved in his direction to hug him and he unexpectedly swooped in for a kiss. I tried my best not to cringe away, but I felt like the most disgusting person on Earth, kissing two guys in the same day. Actually in the same hour. I pulled away quickly, trying to make it seem natural. He looked at me suspiciously for a brief second. I stared down at the ground with my arms folded across my chest.
“Are you still mad?” He asked.
“No. I’m fine. I just still have a lot on my mind.” Yeah, like Antonio.
He continued to stare at me as I fidgeted. “Well, I guess I’ll go then. Maybe call me later if you feel like talking.” He lingered for a second waiting for me to respond before turning to walk back to his car. When he was no longer in sight, I went inside.
I still remained firm in knowing that my heart was with AJ, but Antonio’s kiss left me curious about……other things. I struggled with the thoughts that I was having about him. Going to his house was definitely a mistake, but the damage was already done. I spent the rest of the night reliving the kiss that he and I shared. This was the first secret that I’d ever kept from AJ.
Chapter Twelve
In the midst of everything that was going on, my birthday snuck up on me out of nowhere. I couldn’t believe that it was already November 21st. Only two more days to prepare for my party. I used to feel cheated that it fell either close to or on Thanksgiving every year. As I got older I began to appreciate the fact that I never spent a birthday alone. We always had family over to celebrate both the holiday and my birthday.
Mom had already gotten most of the decorations. Against her will I was able to talk her into getting g everything in hot pink and purple.
She couldn’t resist when I reminded her that it was my 18th and that it would be my last birthday living under their roof. I regretted playing so dirty when I saw tears well up in her eyes.
Deanna and Karl were coming to dinner with AJ. Of course I invited Leslie, Megan and Kyla, but I didn’t expect them to show. Leslie was still avoiding me. Even the final time our group met up to put the finishing touches on our project she was quiet and distant. It felt like I was talking to a stranger. Maybe that’s what she was now. I missed her, but Deanna and I had become pretty close over the past couple months. It turns out that we shop at a lot of the same stores and listen to a lot of the same music. She’s easy to talk to and I share everything with her. Well, almost everything. I still kept the one secret between only Antonio and me.
After that incident at his house, Antonio and I continued to talk on the phone a few times a week, but we never visited one another anymore. The chances of having a repeat of the last time were too great, and I wasn’t about to let that go down again. Out of the blue one day, AJ brought up Antonio’s name in casual conversation. He explained to me that he actually doesn’t mind me talking to Antonio every now and then. Of course I didn’t disclose that I’d already been doing that, but at least I felt a little less guilty about it. Apparently he trusts me, but not Antonio which may be why he made it clear that he wasn’t cool with us hanging out. The fact that he was being so understanding made me feel bad about my one indiscretion, but not enough to tell on myself. A couple weeks ago, AJ had even seen Antonio and me talking in the hall at school. He didn’t bat an eye as he walked by and rubbed his hand across my back caringly as he passed. Antonio was a little shocked, but he seemed glad that things were finally settling down.
There hadn’t been any drama with Leila lately, mostly because she stopped showing up to school altogether. No one knew what happened to her, but then again that may have been due to the fact that no one was looking for her. Life was now more normal than I could’ve imagined it would be so soon. Daddy seemed pretty okay with meeting AJ. I still hadn’t brought up the whole race thing to him, but mom told me not to worry about it. Hopefully she knows what she’s talking about.
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