From the corner of my eye, I noticed that he was staring down at my thigh that peeked through the high-cut split in my dress. I smiled and pulled the material to hide my skin, prompting him to sigh in frustration and then refocus his attention on the road. I imagined that he was trying to scrounge up the willpower to keep his hands to himself. Resisting temptation wasn’t going to be easy for me either tonight, but it had to be this way. It didn’t help that I was starting to dream about it almost every night – probably my body’s way of dealing with the deprivation.
Thirty-five minutes later, we were at the country club. He opened my door and extended his arm for me to grasp it. Droves of students were filing toward the building. I glanced over at AJ again and tried to feel him out a little more and found that his expression was still tense.
Inside, we quickly found Deanna, Karl, Randy and Chris. Randy of course was the only one who had already fixed a plate at the buffet. Good old predictable Randy. Deanna squealed and hugged me tightly. “You look awesome!”
“Thanks. So do you,” I replied.
Our theme was Atlantis and everything was so beautiful. It was almost like we were right inside of a fairytale – blue tablecloths with crystal decorations, the plates were gold and imprinted with seashells, and the lighting created a romantic ambiance. We spent the first couple hours of the dance talking amongst ourselves. I felt a little sad at the thought of the six of us not being together like this for much longer. While I was grateful that Deanna and Karl would be at Charleston with me, AJ Randy and Chris would be hours away. I did my best to stop thinking about it and tried to focus on the conversation.
AJ’s arm was draped across the back of my chair and he gently caressed my shoulder with his fingertips. They were warm against my skin and made it feel like an electrical current shot through me. I crossed my legs and instantly felt my resolve weakened slightly. My imagination started to run away from me and I let my mind go places that it was now forbidden to go.
“You wanna dance?” AJ asked, jarring my mind back to safer territory.
“Sure.”
He took my hand and we interlocked our fingers. We stood in the middle of the dance floor and I felt like my knees would give way. I wrestled with the thought that I maybe wasn’t as strong as I’d tried to convince myself. I wanted him in the worst way and he knew it. That’s probably why he deliberately slid his hands slowly down my waistline and let them come to rest on my hips. His fingers gripped my curves tightly and he pulled me into him. His eyes wandered down to my chest that was pressed tightly to his and our hearts beat in unison. He bit his lip and then moved his hands down another couple inches further. At this rate, I wasn’t going to make it and we hadn’t even started dancing yet. My head told me to pull away, but my body was ready for whatever he had in mind. I inhaled his cologne once when he leaned in and I lost the little bit of will that I had left.
“I need to get some air. Be right back,” I said breathlessly. He smiled faintly and released me from his grasp.
I trudged toward the exit desperately. I looked over my shoulder once to see if he was following me, but he stood motionlessly with his hands in his pockets as he watched me leave. In the lobby I passed by Terrance. He rolled his eyes, turned his body away from me and pulled out his cell phone. He probably wasn’t even calling anyone – but just wanted an excuse to look away. Antonio and Megan were seated side by side on the couch carrying on a casual conversation. She laughed obnoxiously at something he said and then they both became aware of my presence at the same time. He and I locked eyes for a brief moment – long enough for him to detect that I was a little stressed, but of course he didn’t understand why. Megan only rolled her eyes at me and then quickly turned away. I pushed my way through the doors and the cool night air caused goose bumps to pop up on my arms. I hugged myself tightly and gazed up at the stars – hoping that the cold air would get my mind back on the right track. I shivered a little, but my only concern was getting away from AJ at this point. I needed to regain control of the feelings I was experiencing.
My attention was yanked toward the door as it opened beside me. Antonio emerged from the building and inched toward me reluctantly.
“Mind if I join you?” He asked.
I shrugged and looked back up at the sky. The wind picked up and I shivered again. He slid his tux jacket over my shoulders and backed away a little. Normally I would have protested, but it seemed innocent enough. “Thank you,” I replied, acknowledging his kind gesture.
He smiled faintly. “You look really nice tonight.”
“Thanks. So do you.”
“This is really it, huh?” His mood seemed dim.
“Yeah, no going back now,” I replied.
There was a long pause. “All set for Charleston?” He asked quietly.
“Yeah, pretty much. How about you? Ready for Blanchard?” I asked.
“I guess.”
“Have you gotten your information for your roommate yet?”
He looked a little confused by my question. “Did you think I was joking?”
Now I was confused. “About…..”
“About getting the apartment.” I was completely shocked. “I move in the first week of August.” Was he still trying to be close to me after I’d made the line between us so clear? I became uncomfortable and pulled his jacket from around me.
“Here, and thanks again,” I stated as I handed it to him and started for the door.
“Wait, wait. Where you going? What’d I say?” He reached out for me, but I was expecting it this time. I snatched my arm from his grasp quickly, but he blocked the door, forcing me to listen to him. “I know you think we’re done and over with, but I told you already. I don’t believe that. And there probably isn’t anything you can say or do to make me believe otherwise.”
I sighed. “Antonio, don’t waste your time or your money trying to be close to me. It’s not going to happen. We’re much better off as friends, and that’s it.” His determination didn’t even weaken a little as I tried my best to crush his hopes – nicely of course. Something about what I was saying wasn’t getting through to him. “What about Megan?” I asked as a last resort.
“What about her?” He asked coldly. “That’s not going anywhere.”
“Well, this isn’t going anywhere either Antonio.” He again ignored my statement. I rolled my eyes and gave up trying to convince him. “Just let me go back inside. Please.”
Behind him I could see AJ walking toward the door. “You might wanna move now,” I said as I folded my arms across my chest. Antonio turned to look over his shoulder and reluctantly moved out of the way. AJ’s expression was furious which I assumed was because he was wondering why Antonio and I were out here talking alone.
“We’re leaving,” he said callously and then he turned to look Antonio up and down.
I was caught off guard by his tone. He paced toward his car without looking back to see if I was following behind him or not. Antonio looked at me curiously and I flushed red with embarrassment as I shrugged to convey my confusion. I didn’t like the thought of him witnessing the way AJ spoke to me. I hesitated for a moment before complying and followed behind him. By the time I reached the car, AJ was already sitting inside waiting - scowling. I didn’t understand what brought on the change in his mood.
“What’s your problem? The dance isn’t over for at least another hour!” He didn’t respond. “Hello?”
“Please don’t talk to me right now. I don’t wanna say anything I’ll regret.”
None of this made sense to me. What could I have done? “Is this because I was talking to Antonio? You said that you didn’t mind.” He didn’t say anything, but he accelerated until he was going nearly twice the speed limit.
“AJ! What did I do?” We pulled up to a stop light and he whipped his cell phone out of his pocket, pushed a few buttons and tossed the phone into my lap. When the light changed he floored it and weaved in and out of traffic. I stared at him for a second an
d then picked up the phone. My gaze drifted down to the screen and I thought I might actually have a heart attack. Someone had sent him a picture message of Antonio and me from the night we went out to dinner in December. It was clear and there was no mistaking that it was us.
My mood shifted from ashamed to outraged. Antonio had gone too far this time. In an attempt to get me back, he’d set me up that night. There was no doubt in my mind that Terrence and Brian had helped him pull it off. One of them must have showed up at the restaurant to take the picture and then sent it to AJ on prom night of all nights. That must have been what Terrance was doing on his phone when I passed by him. This was supposed to be one of the most memorable nights of my life, and Antonio ruined it because he couldn’t control his jealousy.
“Nothing happened,” I replied defensively.
“You probably wouldn’t even tell me if it did. Who knows what else you’re keeping from me.” He laughed sinisterly. “Nowwww it makes sense. That’s why you were driving me crazy with all this crap about me cheating. “
This wasn’t a good look for me. “I’m telling you the truth!” I yelled out in desperation. AJ didn’t say another word to me as he drove me home. Since the first day I’d seen him, I knew that he was the one thing I couldn’t live without. If he left me over this, I’d probably go insane.
He pulled into the driveway and turned to stare at me, but he looked at me in a different way now that he felt like I’d deceived him. The thought crossed my mind that he could ask me if anything else had ever happened between Antonio and me. If I really did grant his request that would mean that I’d also have to disclose the kiss that Antonio and I shared. Was I strong enough to do that – risk everything? If he decided that he never wanted to speak to me again after knowing that, I completely deserved it.
“Will you please let me explain?” I pleaded. “AJ, I refuse to lose you or your trust over this. Nothing happened.”
His gaze was intimidating. “I’m listening,” he replied.
“He called a couple days after the whole thing with your dad on Christmas. I was devastated because I didn’t know what was going to happen with us and I couldn’t even talk to you. He just called to talk and he asked me to go out to eat with him. I didn’t even want to go, but I needed to get out of the house……so, I went.” I swallowed hard and continued. “He picked me up and we ate and came RIGHT back. He walked me to the door and then left. That’s it, I swear! I shouldn’t have gone knowing how you feel about me hanging out with him, but……I don’t know what I was thinking. You have to believe that it was nothing more than that.”
I waited for him to respond or even move, but he held his gaze and watched me shift uncomfortably in my seat. “We’ve been through so much.” He paused and shook his head in disbelief. “It would’ve been one thing if you came to me yourself and told me about it, but I had to find out like this. That makes it look like you’ve got something to hide, and I can’t shake the feeling that somewhere deep inside, you still love him.”
This couldn’t possibly get any worse. The words wouldn’t even register in my head when he said them. If his assumption had been true then I could have handled it, but he was so far off. My own stupid actions got me into this predicament and I couldn’t seem to dig my way out of it. After all that we’d gone through, was it really going to end like this? Over Antonio? I couldn’t let that happen. So, I did what any self-respecting woman in love would’ve done……….I begged.
“AJ please don’t do this to me.” I was starting to panic; my hands were clammy and shaking like crazy.
“Sam, I’m not doing this to hurt you,” he replied.
“Doing what AJ? What exactly are you doing?” I asked frantically, fearing the worst.
His eyes were red and I could see that they were starting to water a little. He shut them quickly and gazed out the driver’s side window and I could hardly breathe while I waited for him to answer my question. But when he finally did, I wished that he’s kept silent because he was doing the very thing I feared. A lump was stuck in my throat as I watched him sit quietly, thinking of how to word it. He parted his lips and stabbed me in the heart with his words. “I think the anvil just dropped,” he said softly, and then turned back toward the window, leaving me speechless.
*****
“Sam, honey, you can’t stay locked in here like this. It isn’t healthy. You’ve barely come out at all in almost a week,” my mother said from outside of the door. She sighed and jiggled the knob one last time before walking away frustrated. Life without AJ had proven to be nearly impossible. While it’s true that I still had breath left in my body, I was very much dead on the inside. The night he and I broke up, I cried nonstop. I ignored the back to back phone calls from Deanna knowing that she’d only ask questions and I didn’t feel like talking about it. My parents let me have my space for the first couple hours, but Mom’s maternal instinct got the best of her and she came to check on me. She sat beside me, cradled my head to her chest while I continued to sob in her arms. The next morning daddy got AJ’s number from my cell phone and called him. His intent was to inquire about what happened, but he didn’t get an answer.
I was like a zombie for the first two days, but by day three, depression had set in. The numbness that once protected me from feeling the sting of being without him subsided, leaving me with a bundle of exposed nerves that burned like they were on fire. I spent most of the day crying and running to the bathroom to throw up, but that evening I decided to try calling AJ. Maybe there was some way that I could change his mind. The phone rang four or five times and then went to his voicemail. I hung up and tried over and over again continuously for about ten minutes straight, but he wasn’t taking my calls. I hung up after that final time and ran back to the bathroom.
Mom frequently passed by my door to see if anything had changed, but she found nothing but me staring off into space. The concept of me without him didn’t make any sense. I’d already made room in my future for him and had no clue how to undo any of that. If I couldn’t have him, then I wouldn’t have anyone. There was no one else that could ever come close to filling the deep impression that he made on my life from that very fist moment of impact in the school hallway that day.
By day four I attempted to talk to my parents about what happened, but started crying before I even got through my first sentence. Mom consoled me, holding me and stroking my back gently. In the hall, I heard my father make a call and then about an hour later he left and came back with a bottle of pills. He handed me two and I took them without protest or even asking what they were for. I must have been out for a while because I didn’t come back to consciousness until it was dark outside. Mom heard me stirring and ran right in to check on me and I could see that something was on her mind. She sat next to me on my bed and reached for my hand.
“Sweetie, your father and I have been talking and……” Daddy entered the room on Cue. “We think that it might do you some good to talk to someone. You know……someone who has insight and experience. Who knows? They may be able to help you through this better than your father and I can.” Was she saying that I needed psychotherapy?
“Mom, I don’t need a shrink.” I need AJ.
Her forehead creased as she looked at me sympathetically. “Well, sweetie, don’t think of it that way. We just think you need a little help getting through……whatever it is that you’re going through.”
“No one can help me. I just wanna be alone,” I replied.
She watched me for another few seconds and then rose up from my bed. I wasn’t ready to talk about it, but I’d have to do something to show them that I hadn’t completely gone off the deep end. So, Thursday marked the morning of day five and I got up at around eleven, showered and even did my hair. When my mother returned home from work, she found a more normal looking me sitting upright on the couch staring at some show on the TV – she didn’t have to know that I wasn’t really watching it.
“Well, I’m glad to see you up. W
ant me to make you something to eat?” She asked.
I smiled politely. “No, thanks. I’m fine.”
She frowned a little, not being totally satisfied yet because my appetite hadn’t returned. She watched me from the corner of her eye as she passed by. As soon as I lost sight of her, I immediately wiped the fake smile off of my face and slumped down in the couch like I was before she walked in. I sat there for about another half hour just to make sure she’d bought the act before I returned to my room. I shut and locked the door and climbed back underneath my cover.
Laying there, I decided to try calling AJ again. I dialed and waited in vain for him to answer. Voicemail. Frustration took over again. I had to talk to someone. Of course I could call Deanna, but I wasn’t quite ready for that yet. I wasn’t sure that AJ hadn’t talked to Karl already and I felt a little embarrassed at the thought of them thinking that I’d cheated on him with Antonio. I picked up my phone again and called Angel to get her take on the situation. Hopefully she wasn’t too busy to pick up.
“Sammy!” She answered.
She always could make me smile. “Hey. You busy?” I asked. She could tell by my tone that something was wrong.
“Nope. What’s the matter? And don’t lie and say nothing. I’m not stupid.”
She knew me too well. “AJ and I broke up last week.”
Angel gasped on the other end. “Shut up!” She yelled into the phone. “What happened?”
“Angel, it’s so……sooo messed up. I don’t even know how to explain it.”
“Did he do something to you?”
“No, it’s just a big misunderstanding.”
“Did he find out about the kiss or something?” She asked.
“Not that either.” I paused. “Antonio and I went out a few days after Christmas – just as friends – but I think Antonio set me up. He had somebody take a picture of us there that night and then sent it to AJ’s phone on prom night.”
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