Gravity (Free Falling)

by St. Pierre, Raven

  “I’m so sorry, AJ”

  “It’s cool. I forgive you.” He leaned down to kiss the back of my hand.

  With our reconciliation, it felt like everything was back on track. The holes in my life that had left me feeling incomplete were finally filled. Our attention shifted to the door as the doctor entered. He was an older distinguished man with just a little gray at the temples. His eyes were kind and he had a warm smile on his face. “Well, Ms. Kelley, I wasn’t expecting to see you up and alert so soon. I’m Dr. Harp.” He extended his hand toward me.

  I returned the gesture and tugged at my blanket nervously. AJ stepped aside to let the doctor take my blood pressure and check the stitches on my arm. I watched to see if AJ would shy away at the sight of the blood, but he stood close by with his hand resting on my leg. This was the first glimpse I got of the wound and it was more gruesome than I’d expected for it to be. There was still quite a bit of blood on the skin surrounding it and the laceration was nearly four inches long.

  Dr. Harp recovered my arm and moved on to checking the hideous cuts on my face. I was embarrassed for him to look at me this way, so I closed my eyes and pretended that he wasn’t even there.

  “Excuse me, but how long do you think I’ll be in here?” I didn’t want to sound like I was whining, but graduation was a few days away and I desperately wanted to be there.

  “This was a very serious accident. I can’t say for sure yet, but it won’t be any less than a week. I’d like to keep a close eye on you just to make sure that nothing new develops that we may have missed.” I slumped down into my pillow, feeling disappointed by his prognosis. Dr. Harp shifted his weight from his left foot to his right and cleared his throat uncomfortably. “There’s one other thing that I need to discuss with you, but it’s of a more…..personal nature.” He looked at AJ for a brief second.

  “No, it’s fine if he stays,” I replied. The doctor’s tones made me slightly nervous, so I automatically reached for AJ’s hand and he looked just as worried as I did.

  The doctor’s expression was solemn and he took a few deep breaths before speaking. “I’m sorry to have to tell you this…..but the trauma from the accident caused you to miscarry. By the time you made it here to the hospital, it was already too late. There was nothing we could do,” he stated.

  A rush of cold blood shot through my veins in response to Dr. Harp’s statement. AJ continued to hold my hand, but sat down in his chair and put his head down. I shook my head, insisting that he’d made a mistake. “But…..I…..I wasn’t,” I stuttered with a confused look on my face.

  Dr. Harp watched me, realizing from my reaction that this was new news to me. “I’m so sorry. I had no idea that you didn’t know.” His stance became awkward and uncomfortable while he stood beside me, seemingly trapped there. “I didn’t mention it to your parents or anything, but I….I honestly thought you were already aware.”

  AJ’s hand was covering his face, hiding his expression from me now. I didn’t know how to respond. Dr. Harp stroked my arm consolingly as he continued. “Based on the blood test results, you were only about a month and a half to two months along. It’s possible that you hadn’t noticed the signs yet.” When he mentioned noticing signs, I forced myself to think back to see if I’d dismissed anything strange that would’ve alerted me. Suddenly, things began to make sense. The headaches, I was way more sensitive than usual, and vomiting after my break up with AJ probably had more to do with the pregnancy than with me being upset. Leila may not have ended my life, but she’d taken something way more precious. The doctor left the room without saying another word, giving AJ and me a chance to deal with the bomb he’d just dropped on the two of us. I thought back to about six or seven weeks ago when AJ and I decided to meet in the auditorium instead of going to homeroom. That was the only time that we’d been intimate since we got caught in the attic a few months back. That had to have been when it happened.

  AJ leaned forward and laid his face on my hand that he was holding. I could feel his tears on my skin and wished that there was something I could do or say to take the hurt away from him. I leaned my head back and tried to make sense of Dr. Harp’s words.

  There was a soft knock at the door just before Mom peeked her head inside. She immediately became concerned when she assessed the tension in the room. AJ stood abruptly and excused himself with my parents watching curiously as he left. “Is he alright?” Mom asked caringly.

  I nodded in response, trying to smile to fool her into thinking that everything was fine. She and Daddy came around the bed and took their seats again. “How are you feeling? Are you in much pain?” She asked.

  The answer to that question was ‘yes, more than you’ll ever know’, but it wasn’t the type of pain that she was speaking of. “No, Mom, I’m fine.” The truth was that my heart felt like it was split in two.

  *****

  I became concerned about AJ as time passed. He’d been gone for nearly an hour. “Daddy, would you mind going to look for A.J? I’m worried about him.”

  “Sure, Baby Girl,” he replied as he stood from his chair.

  Mom looked at me questioningly as she tried to uncover the truth behind what was eating away at me. “You sure everything’s alright?” She asked.

  I nodded and bit the inside of my cheek to keep from crying, but it didn’t work. She didn’t know how to respond to me. She couldn’t hold me, fearing that she’d do more harm than good. I winced as my body tensed and the pain in my side returned. I fought to control myself as she watched me helplessly.

  “Sweetie, tell me what I can do. Do you need me to get the doctor?” She asked panicked.

  I shook my head no, and closed my eyes to steady my breathing. This was one secret that would surely break her heart and I knew that I’d have to take it to my grave. Seeing the look on her face when she caught AJ and me in the attic was enough to make me never want to disappoint her again a day in my life. So, I regained control of my emotions and opened my eyes. Daddy came back into the room and shrugged his shoulders. “I didn’t see him anywhere, but your friends want to come in to see you. You up to it?” He asked.

  Honestly I wasn’t, but wallowing wasn’t going to change things. “Sure bring them in,” I replied slowly.

  “Ok, your mother and I are going to wait in the waiting room; the nurses said that you can’t have more than four in the room at a time.”

  A few minutes later, Deanna, Karl, Randy and Chris were there. Deanna was shocked by my appearance and immediately started tearing up. “Sam, I……I,” was all she could get out without crying. She put her hand to her mouth and sat in one of the chairs. Well, that didn’t make me feel any better about myself. Karl smiled weakly to mask his emotions as he sat beside Deanna and put his arm around her.

  “We’re really glad you’re ok,” Randy said.

  “Yeah, we came down here right away to check on you when AJ called,” Chris said shyly as he shoved his hands into his pockets. I was grateful for all their sympathy, but I couldn’t stop worrying about AJ.

  “Thanks, really.” I paused. “Have any of you seen AJ?”

  They all shrugged and shook their heads ‘no’. I sighed and leaned my head back. “You want me to call him for you?” Karl offered.

  “Please,” I responded quickly.

  AJ didn’t answer the first time, so I begged Karl to try once more. The second time, he finally picked up.

  “Yeah. Where’re you at? Sam’s askin’ about you,” Karl said after AJ answered. He listened before responding. “I’m on my way,” he said and then hung up the phone. He turned to Randy and Chris. “I think we should go check on him. He doesn’t sound too good.”

  “What did he say?” I asked frantically.

  “Not much, but I’ve just known him long enough to know when something’s not right. Don’t worry about it though, we’ll check on him and bring him back with us.” He turned to Deanna. “You staying here?” He asked her.

  “Yeah, but call my cell as
soon as you know something,” she replied. He nodded and they turned to leave.

  “Wait,” I called out. “Where is he?”

  “He’s somewhere out by his uncles house on the edge of town.” I was relieved that he was at least somewhere safe. He’d gone to our spot.

  Deanna kept me company for the next two hours when I wasn’t dozing off from the medication. My parents had come back and fallen asleep sitting in their chairs. Deanna and I both jumped when we heard her phone ring. She answered it quickly. “Is everything Ok? I couldn’t hear what Karl was saying on the other end and it was driving me crazy.

  “Good. Are you guys on your way back?” She inquired. “Ok, see you in a few.” She turned to look at me. “They’ll be here soon, Karl said for me just to come out when AJ gets here. I promise I’ll be back tomorrow though.” I was glad that she’d be here with me again. She made it easy to forget about my circumstances and that was exactly what I needed.

  Half an hour later, AJ walked through the door, seemingly distraught. I wanted to talk to him about the news the doctor gave us, but didn’t want for my parents to overhear. He stood over me and looked into my eyes with the hurt still visible on his face. “Sorry I left; I just had to clear my head,” he whispered slowly.

  “I was just worried,” I replied. I grabbed his fingers loosely, wanting to be closer to him somehow.

  He sat down and rested his elbows on the edge of the bed. Slowly and very cautiously he leaned in to kiss me and stroked my hair a few times. “Are you ok?” He asked quietly.

  “I don’t know how to feel. It’s strange to find out something as monumental as that in the same instant that you find out that it’s over.” AJ closed his eyes as he processed my words. I closed my eyes and imagined what it would’ve been like, if the accident had never happened. Sadness crept up inside of me and my chest started to feel tight.

  “I don’t even know how to deal with this. There’s nothing I can do to fix it,” he said helplessly. He took a few deep breaths trying to fight back his emotions. Seeing him like this was more than I could stand. Anger, hurt, and disbelief all consumed me at once. We cried together that night, both mourning the same loss. Our lives were linked together by so many threads, but none as strong as this one.

  The next morning, I was hurting much more than the night before. It felt like every muscle in me was bruised and battered. Every time the nurses came in to check on me throughout the night, AJ and my parents were there with me. I noticed that he’d changed his clothes, so he must have gone home early and returned before I awoke. My parents were gathering their things when Mom turned and noticed that I was awake. “Good morning, Baby. We’re going home to get changed, but we won’t be gone for more than a couple hours.”

  “Ok,” I replied. It was hard to speak through the pain. She noticed and started to walk back toward me.

  “I’ll be here with her. Don’t worry Mrs. Kelley,” AJ assured her. She stopped midstride and looked at him caringly. She smiled briefly and followed Daddy out of the room.

  AJ turned to face me. “You need me to get the nurse?” He asked.

  “Please.”

  He jumped up quickly and ran from the room. When he returned the nurse rushed in with him. She carried in her hand, a full bag of medicine to hook up to my IV. She made the switch quickly. “It shouldn’t take long for this to kick in,” she said and smiled sweetly before leaving AJ and I alone in the room. He watched me writhing in pain as I grunted and groaned, trying to cope with it. After a few minutes, he began to feel powerless at the thought of not being able to help me and dropped his gaze.

  It took about twenty minutes for the morphine to take the edge off. My breathing slowed as the pain subsided. “Is it getting better?” He asked softly.”

  “A little. Everything aches. Even my legs and I didn’t notice that yesterday.”

  “Just try to stay still,” he replied. That was easier said than done. It was going to drive me crazy being stuck in this bed. I wanted to get in the shower so bad, but I knew that was out of the question for today. My toothbrush was calling my name and so was my comb. I found that I was immediately self conscious about the way I looked. AJ kissed my forehead once and tried to kiss my lips, but I turned my head.

  “What?” He asked.

  “I didn’t brush my teeth or anything. I’m a mess.”

  “Who cares?” He laughed at me and then realized that I wasn’t backing down. He sighed and sat in his seat.

  There was a buzzing sound coming from the clear bag that contained my belongings on the table. I hoped that it was Deanna calling to say that she was on her way. AJ arose from his seat and grabbed my phone and his expression soured as he looked at the caller ID.

  “Who is it?” I asked, but he ignored my question and answered the call.

  “What?” He said callously.

  I couldn’t hear the voice on the other end, but I had a pretty good idea of who he was talking to and it wasn’t Deanna. “She’s fine,” he stated flatly. “She doesn’t feel like talking, so what do you want?” He paused another few seconds. “Yeah, whatever,” he said sharply just before hanging up.

  My expression was questioning. “I guess word travels fast.” A look of frustration crossed his face as he spoke the words. “Antonio’s on his way.” He didn’t look happy about this, but I was proud of him for not flipping out on the phone.

  “You should’ve just told him not to come.”

  “Why?” He asked dryly.

  “I don’t know. After what you and I talked about yesterday I think I’d rather just not talk to him at all anymore.”

  “I’m fine. Besides you won’t have to deal with him for much longer. I doubt he’s gonna try to drive all the way to your school to see you.”

  In the spirit of not keeping anymore secrets, I had to be upfront with A.J……about everything “Ummm…..about that.”

  His expression was cross. “What now?”

  This wasn’t going to go over well. I glanced over at the window in order to avoid eye contact with AJ. “He decided to get an apartment near Charleston to stay close to me.” I paused. “He moves in the first week of August.”

  “Is this guy out of his mind? Does he want me to kill him?” AJ asked as he stood to his feet and started pacing. He lifted his hands to his head and sighed in frustration before reaching for his keys. “Where does he live?”

  “AJ please just give me my phone so I can call him and tell him that this isn’t a good time. I don’t want you to go over there, that’ll just give me something else to worry about.”

  He laughed cockily. “Be worried about him. I can handle myself.” He scoffed as he turned to stare out the window.

  “AJ please just give me the phone,” I replied.

  He started smiling. “No, I want him to come.” He continued to stare out the window and ignored my request. There was nothing for me to do, but sit back and wait.

  My heart skipped a beat when I heard the knock at the door twenty minutes later. AJ didn’t turn around from where he stood.

  “Come in,” I called out.

  Antonio walked in carrying flowers and a huge bear. He glanced over at AJ momentarily before setting the gifts down on the table. When he looked at my face he tried not to let his eyes wander over the cuts, but it was nearly impossible for him. “I know it looks bad.” I felt embarrassment wash through me again.

  “No, it’s not that bad. You still look good to me.” I saw AJ clench his fists, but he didn’t turn around to face us. Antonio’s comment made me uncomfortable too, so I tried to change the subject.

  “Thanks for the flowers and the bear. That was nice of you.”

  “I just didn’t feel right coming empty handed.” He looked around the room quickly. “It looks like I’m the only one who thought of that.” He said it loudly, obviously trying to cut into AJ who laughed quietly from his post over by the window.

  I shot Antonio a warning glare.

  “So, how are you feeling?�
� He asked.

  “It’s been a hard morning, but I’m starting to feel better.”

  “What happened exactly? You asked me all those questions about that chick and then you hung up on me. The next thing I know, Terrence called this morning saying that you’d been in a bad accident.”

  “It’s a long story, but basically that same girl we were talking about is the one who hit my car,” I replied.

  He looked at me questioningly. “So, why’s she been following you like that?” I lowered my head, not wanting to talk about it any further.

  “It doesn’t matter.”

  “Well, I’m just glad you’re okay. Do you need anything?” He asked.

  Just as I opened my mouth to speak, I was cut off. “If she needs anything, I’ll take care of it,” AJ said sternly.

  Antonio shook AJ’s warning off and ignored him. “How long do you have to stay in here?” He asked calmly.

  “The doctor said that it would be at least a week.”

  “Dang! So you can’t go to graduation? That’s messed up.”

  “Don’t remind me.”

  He thought for a minute. “Well, I’ll come by and visit until they let you leave. You know, to keep you company.” That was the last straw for AJ

  “Are you stupid or something? She’s not your girl anymore! You’re starting to make me think that you need a reminder.” AJ paced toward Antonio swiftly until the only thing separating them was the narrow table. Both of them were heaving angrily.

  “You nervous that she might change her mind or something?” Antonio said as he laughed to himself. “I think that’s cause you know on some level she’ll always love me.”

  AJ’s face turned red as rage overtook him, probably as he thought of the secret I’d just revealed to him about Antonio and I. He grabbed the edge of the table and flipped it over sending the vase full of flowers crashing to the floor. He moved in closer to Antonio, only inches from his face.