I wish I could just stop this. I wish I could flip the switch that’s been flipped inside of my head. If I knew how then I would do it in an instant. I don’t want to lose myself again.
I remember hardly anything from that year after Britt left me. I stayed drunk or high and even when I was sober, I wasn’t in my right mind. The darkness always loomed over me. Covering me like a dark and heavy blanket.
“Just sleep. It will all be better when you wake up,” she whispers to me.
I know it won’t. I know this doesn’t just go away. It lingers, ebbing and flowing but never leaving me entirely. Not until it takes me to the brink. Then it goes away. It has in the past, anyway.
Her lips touch my cheek as her hands flow over my back in gentle waves. This should bring me comfort, but it brings me nothing. I feel nothing.
I can’t imagine Brittany putting up with this for long.
I know I’m going to lose her now that she knows I can sink so deep so quickly.
Her touch is a thing I should be holding onto. I should be making a place in my memory for those times when I miss her.
A humming sound comes from her and I find myself sinking into sleep.
I wonder if she’ll be here when I wake up …
BRITTANY
Morning light drifts through the orange curtains of the motel room. Jason slept the entire night without moving a muscle. It almost as if he’s paralyzed.
I have no idea how seeing what we both saw affected him so differently than it did me.
I held him all night and still am holding him as he makes little snoring noises. Maybe he’ll wake up and be fine this morning. He has to be fine. He’s a very strong man. This makes no sense to me.
“Let me go,” he growls at me as his body tenses and he wakes up very quickly.
“Okay,” I say as I let him go. “How did you sleep, pumpkin?”
He rolls away from me and off the bed without answering me.
Pulling the blanket over my head, I fight not to cry. I have no idea how to handle this.
The water in the bathroom starts up and I think he might be taking a bath. Maybe that will help clear his head.
The whiskey bottle is on the floor, so I get up to see how much of it he drank. It’s half empty and I take it and put it behind the television, out of sight.
The sound of the water running has me needing to pee really badly, so I go into the bathroom and find the shower curtain pulled shut. “Are you okay, baby?”
He grunts, so I know he’s alive, anyway. After I use the restroom, I go to my bag and get the toothpaste and toothbrushes. Going back inside, I say, “I’m putting your toothbrush on the sink. What would you like to go get for breakfast?”
“I’m not hungry,” he says with a gruff tone I’ve never heard before.
“Well, you have to eat. Isn’t that what you always tell me, baby?” I ease the curtain back a hair and find him lying in the clear water. “That’s a jet tub. You want to me turn on the jets for you?”
“No. Leave me alone. Bring me the bottle.” He doesn’t bother to look at me.
“Oh, you drank the whole thing yesterday. It’ll be noon before the liquor stores open,” I tell him, and watch his eyes cut to me.
They go very narrow as he hisses, “Then get me some goddamned beer then. Fuck, are you completely useless?”
My body tenses up. “Jason, you can’t talk to me like that.”
His lips form a tight line. “You have no idea what’s going on inside of me right now. I can’t explain it. I just need alcohol to quiet it or I’m going to run.”
“To where?” I ask as my heart pounds in my chest.
“Anywhere, as long as it’s away from you.” He closes his eyes and I pull the shower curtain back into place and leave the bathroom as tears fill my eyes.
I didn’t do a thing wrong. How come he wants away from me?
Sitting on the edge of the bed, I cry but do it very quietly. I can’t let him see me being weak. Whatever this is, he really needs me to be strong or I’ll lose him.
Putting on a pair of jeans and a T-shirt, I put a pair of sandals on and grab my purse and the keys and leave the motel room to get him some beer. I don’t think it’s the right thing to do at all, but I have no idea what I should do for him.
Getting into the car, I get a terrible feeling about leaving him alone in the bathtub. I get right back out and go back into the motel room. Back into the bathroom I go and say, “If you want beer, you have to come with me. I’m not leaving you here alone, Jason.”
“Just go. I don’t want to go anywhere. God only knows what might happen out there. I can’t take anything right now. Just go.”
I pull the curtain back and see his eyes are red. “Have you been crying?”
“Don’t, Brittany.” He closes his eyes. “Just go.”
I have no idea if this is the right way to handle things or not, but I just go with my gut. “Get the fuck out of the tub and get dressed. I’m not leaving you here. Hurry up. I’m hungry! Fuck, Jason!”
I slam out of the bathroom and pull something for him to wear out of the suitcase. Remarkably, I hear the water draining from the bathtub. At least he’s getting out of the tub.
Coming out with a towel wrapped around his waist, he’s wearing a frown and muttering to himself, “Why can’t she just leave me alone?”
Pointing to the bed, I say, “Put those on. And I’m not leaving you alone because I fucking love your ass.”
He huffs and puts on his clothes, never giving me a second look. I wait patiently by the door until he’s done. Then he moves toward the door. “I’m driving,” he says as he holds his hand out for the keys.
“The fuck you are,” I let him know, and go out the door in front of him and straight to the driver’s side.
He looks as if he might try to rush me for the keys, but he changes his mind and gets in on the passenger side. “Look, you need to leave me alone for a while, a week or so.”
With a laugh, I say, “I’m not doing that. As a matter of fact, I’m not taking you to get any beer or anything like that either.”
I pull out of the parking lot as he looks at me with a glare. I’ve seldom seen him look at me that way and it’s more than a bit unnerving. “You damn well better,” he growls at me.
“You damn well better shut up,” I say as I head toward the other side of the small town. I looked on the Internet and found the nearest hospital. “Jason, you may have a slight imbalance in your system. Your mother told me about you changing when your grandfather died.”
He slams his fist on the dashboard. “You called my mother? Why the fuck would you do that?”
“Only because I love you and I want to help you. Has there been anything else that made you so depressed and despondent?”
He sits still for a while, looking out the window. The morning is gorgeous. The sunshine is sparkling off the dewy grass and trees. It’s like the air is glistening and the smell is fresh. I can’t really see how anyone could be grouchy, angry, or depressed in these kinds of surroundings.
“When you left. When I hurt you. I went dark then, too.”
“How come your mother didn’t tell me about that time?” I ask as I pull onto the street that is supposed to lead me to the hospital.
“She didn’t know. I left town. I left town for a year.” His finger taps his leg and he looks at me. “I just need alcohol and time. Some weed wouldn’t hurt either.”
“Well, I’m not letting you self-medicate, sweetheart.”
His eyes narrow at me. “I don’t need you to let me do anything. I don’t need you at all.”
The urge to pull over and boot his ass out is hard to overcome, but I manage. There is something a little wrong with him and he needs help.
I think about how an animal is hurt and fights you like crazy when you try to help it. It has no idea what you’re doing. No idea you only mean to help it.
Jason has no idea I only mean to help him a much better way than
drinking and getting high will. That way is the wrong way, in my opinion. Since I’m the only one in this man’s corner right now, it will be my way.
He looks like he might try to bolt as I turn into the hospital and drive up to the emergency department. “No, Brittany. I’m not going in there.”
“Yes, you are. If they don’t think they can help you, then we’ll go your route. But you’re going to give medical professionals a chance to see if they can help you.” I stop the car and reach for his hand. “I’m not taking no for an answer.”
“What if they put me in a nuthouse?” he asks with a little fear in his expression.
I’m actually glad to see an emotion on his face. It’s been void of any unless it’s been anger. Maybe the darkness, as he’s calling it, is beginning to see that I’m stronger than it will ever be.
I’m not about to lose this man to anything, another woman, or some mental problems.
“Come on, baby. This won’t hurt a bit. I’ll be right by your side the entire time. I’m not going to let anything hurt you.”
He nods and we get out of the car. I notice him look toward an open field on the far side of the small hospital. He’s most likely contemplating running. He looks back at me as I take his hand and lead him through the emergency room doors that slide open for us.
My fingers are crossed and my hopes are high.
Chapter 9
JASON
I feel like the weakest man on Earth. Brittany was a witness to the same things I was, and she didn’t fall apart in the least. She was strong for that little girl and now here she is, being strong for me.
I’m a failure and she will see that in me now and forever. How can she count on a man who falls so deep into a black hole and so quickly?
After filling out all the papers, she hands the clipboard to the receptionist and looks back at me. With a pat on my leg, she says, “Everything will be fine, baby.”
The urge to tell her to stop calling me baby rises up inside of me, but I hold my tongue and my volatile temper. I’m furious at her for bringing me here. I can’t believe she would do this to me.
“You two go through those doors on the left there and a nurse will be waiting right there for you,” the older woman says. She looks at me with a little smile. “Seeing horrible things affect us in many ways, Mr. Brennan. Getting help to cope is a smart thing to do.”
I make a huffing sound and get up to follow Britt to the doors that are going to trap me behind them for however long these doctors think I’ll need to be trapped here.
It occurs to me that Brittany has no idea of how my mind works when I get like this. She has no idea of how much time it takes for me to get past things. I have no idea if she’ll feel I’m worth waiting for.
A young nurse meets us just as we walk through the doors and she smiles at me. “Mr. Brennan, follow me, please.” She walks to a small room and turns to me as she gestures to a chair. “Please take this seat and let me get your vitals.”
Brittany stands next to me, her hand on my shoulder in an effort to help me accept the fact I am here and not under my own control any longer. It’s not working at all. “I don’t think I should be here.”
The nurse smiles as she pushes my T-shirt sleeve up and puts a blood pressure cuff on my bicep. “Oh? And why is that?”
“It’s my head that’s fucked up. There’s nothing physically wrong with me.” I watch her pump up the cuff and let the air out slowly while she holds a stethoscope to the crook of my arm.
She makes a little frown and walks away to get the automatic cuff. “Seems to me your blood pressure is a bit on the low side. Let’s just get an accurate reading here, Mr. Brennan.”
The sterile-smelling nurse hooks me all up and hits a button and the new cuff inflates as numbers start blinking on the screen. It makes a buzzing sound, and she looks back at me. “Still think there’s nothing physically wrong, Mr. Brennan?”
“So it’s a little low,” I say as she takes the cuff off, then places a thermometer in my mouth. It makes a beeping sound, and she frowns again.
She takes it out and looks at it. “Hmm. 100.1. Seems you have a bit of a fever, too.”
A hospital wristband is put on my right wrist. “Let’s get you back to the examining room and I’ll get the physician to come talk to you about things. It says on your paperwork that you witnessed a trauma yesterday. Was it that terrible wreck that happened just a little ways up the highway?”
I nod and feel my jaw tighten as I recall the way the little boy was hanging lifeless in the seat belt. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
She nods and I see her look at Brittany. “That’s normal in PTSD. Not only people in the military get it. Don’t worry, we know how to help.”
“You do?” I ask, as I really thought they would have no way to help me.
She nods and gestures for us to follow her as she walks out of the room, carrying the little clipboard with my history on it. “Oh, yes.” She pulls back a green curtain in a room of three green curtains and says, “We’ve made some great advances in medicine to help people with such things. You should be glad you came here today. You’re going to be feeling much better much faster than you would’ve had you tried to get over this with time and alcohol or illegal drugs.”
I look at Brittany and wait for an, ‘I told you so.’ But nothing comes from her but a sweet smile and a reassuring nod.
My heart does a little flip as I look at her. If the shoe was on the other foot, I don’t know how patient I’d be.
The nurse lays a gown on the bed, the same color as the curtains. and nods at Brittany. “Help him get this on. It needs to open in the front so we can get some monitors on his chest. He can leave on his underwear.”
I smile, as Brittany made sure to lay out a pair of underwear for me. I rarely wear them. Funny how I didn’t even argue with her about wearing them. I just put them on without a word.
She smiles at me again with a knowing look and my heart speeds up a little as I look at her sweet face. Maybe this girl is on to something.
The nurse leaves and Brittany pulls my shirt off. “Everything is going to be okay, baby.” She kisses my cheek and takes the button of my shorts between her fingers and undoes it. She lets them fall down and I step out of them.
“I could do this myself.”
“I know. I want you to know you have a woman who is ready and willing to help you that’s all. You’re more than capable of dressing and undressing, but let me help you.” She puts the gown on me and ties up the myriad of strings that holds the thing somewhat closed.
“This gown is really not necessary,” I say as I sit on the edge of the bed.
“Just lie back here,” she says as she fluffs up the little pillow as much as possible. “Relax and just let them take care of you.”
“You sure are talking a lot nicer to me than you were,” I say as she runs her fingers over my collarbone.
“Well, I had to get through to you. I’m sorry I said mean things.” She looks at me with a slight glisten in her eyes.
“Me, too,” I say then look away. “If I could stop this, I would.”
“I know that. I’m not mad at you in the least and I don’t want you to apologize to me about any of it. It’s out of your control. So lie back, relax, and let’s get you better, sweetie.”
The curtain slides back as a tall man with graying temples comes inside, looking at my chart. “Mr. Brennan, I see here you’ve witnessed a tragedy and are exhibiting signs of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.” He looks at me and I nod my answer.
Brittany stands to one side. He looks at her, then her engagement ring. “You’re his fiancée?”
He’s very observant, I have to give him that. “I am,” Brittany says with a smile and a flash of her ring. “It was his grandmother’s. We’re supposed to get married sometime soon.”
“No date has been set?” he asks, then looks at me.
“No. We’re planning to go to Vegas after some of my persona
l business is dealt with.”
“What kind of personal business?” he asks.
I feel he’s invading my privacy and let him know that. “Personal.”
He laughs and sits on the bed next to me. “Okay, first things first. I’m not asking you this to get all up in your business, Mr. Brennan. I’m asking you because if this business is stressful then it could’ve been the predecessor to the onset of the PTSD witnessing the accident caused. Talking about things is a great way to deal with them.”
I roll my eyes and Brittany laughs. “He’s usually pretty good at talking about things, Doc.”
“I’m sure he is.” He pats my shoulder. “Jason. Can I call you that?”
“You can. I’d prefer it.”
“Jason, let me put your mind at ease. All of us deal with bad things in our own way. When too much is put on one’s shoulders, it can trigger a defense mechanism in the brain to shut off for a while.”
“That’s exactly what I feel like. Like a switch turned off inside my head. I can’t believe you know that!”
“I know this because you’re not the first person this has happened too. So what kind of business has you holding off on marrying this gorgeous woman over here?” he asks with a smile, revealing perfect white teeth.
“Someone I’ve had somewhat of a relationship with says I’m the father of her baby. She says she took my sperm from several condoms and had in vitro fertilization to get pregnant.”
“What a piece of work she is,” the doctor says. “Well, that is troubling, isn’t it? I suppose you’ve started the DNA testing process.”
“I have. Now it’s a sit and wait thing. My lawyer said it’s best to wait to get married. If the child is mine, then they could use my wife’s money plus mine to decide the amount I’ll have to pay. And she’s just about as loaded as I am. So that and a few other things have been weighing heavy on me.”
All of a sudden, I realize I’m talking way too much so I shut up.
“So it’s safe to say you’ve been feeling a bit overwhelmed even before witnessing the accident,” he says as he writes this all down. “I don’t think we’re dealing with classic depression. I think this is textbook PTSD. So I’m going to give you a month’s supply of an anti-depressant. And I’m going to ask you to see your own doctor when you get back to New York.”
The Surgeon’s Secrets Page 76