“That’s a grown ass woman with a mind of her own. Shae made that decision on her own to stop fuckin’ with you. Listen, I’m not about to do this whole back and forth thing with you over the phone. You had your chance with her. It’s my turn, and I bet not another nigga will get a chance with her after me. I’m about to feed her, fuck her, then put her to bed. I’m turning her phone off too, so try again in the morning. I’m not a heartless ass nigga, so I’ll tell Shae to give me all the information tonight so I can put some money on your books. Consider it a thank you present. My way of thanking you for fuckin’ up!” Miami hung up the phone and threw it my way.
“Turn that shit off, Jashae,” he ordered, and I did just that.
He walked out of the room, and when he did, I pulled my knees up to my chest and stared at the television, which was on mute. I didn’t even have an appetite anymore. I wanted to call Mahogany because her ass always knew what to say to make me feel better, but these days, it was hard to get a hold of her ass since she was always stuck up under Jabari. I wanted this thing between Miami and me to work but look at how everything was unfolding, and we were only two weeks into this relationship.
Trip was sending threats Miami’s way, and Miami wasn’t making the shit any better by egging him on. I didn’t want anything to happen to either of them. I knew Trip; I knew the dudes that he used to run with in that stupid ass gang. Those niggas had nothing to lose, especially not Dino’s stupid ass. I had just lost my son, and I wasn’t trying to now lose the man who was there to pick me up and help put me back together again after Vonte died.
Miami was strong-willed and knew how to hold his own, but I was scared that he was going to leave me, thinking that I was bringing unnecessary drama into his life, which was once calm before I came into the picture. Miami had a daughter who he needed to be here for. My feelings were so damn conflicted.
After about thirty minutes of sitting on the bed, I finally stood up. My house shoes were on the floor, right next to the foot of the bed. I quickly slipped them on and walked out of the room. Miami’s home was like my house put together three times. My house wasn’t even small, but compared to Miami’s home, mine looked like an apartment. Why one man who lived by himself except for his daughter needed so many bedrooms was beyond me. There were seven bedrooms, not to mention the built-in gym, the finished basement, the outside basketball court, pool, and huge backyard. Miami’s place reminded me of a hotel.
I knew where he would be. If he wasn’t in the bedroom, he was in that damn basement watching old boxing clips. Toward the end of the month, he was supposed to start back training for a charity boxing event that would take place a couple of months from now in Vegas. With the shit that just happened tonight, I knew it could give him a lot of power and help him build up some anger when he fought.
I was lowkey scared to face Miami, which is why I was taking my time to get to where he was. Although he and I didn’t get into it, I kind of felt like we’d just had our first argument.
I eventually made it down the stairs to the basement, and I could hear the TV playing loudly. The surround sound that he had in his theater room pretty much shook the whole lower level to his house. The door was cracked open, so I walked right on in. He was sitting down in one of the big, movie theater style chairs with a cigar in his hands as he intensely looked up at the screen. I swear he gave me that same look last night when I was bouncing up and down on his dick and hollering out that I was about to cum.
Listen, sex had changed dramatically from ten years ago. Back when I was having sex with Trip, I swear we just did missionary, from the back, and I would ride him occasionally. Sex with Miami was straight up shit from out of an erotic book or a romance movie. It was good. So good to the point that I couldn’t even fault Tahira for having his baby.
Miami noticed when I walked into the room. He looked at me for a brief second, and then he reverted his attention back to the screen. As if I was invited in, I took a seat next to him in the empty chair and wrapped the throw blanket around my body. I wasn’t used to being the cause of a falling out, so I really didn’t know what to say. All I could really think of was…
“Are you mad at me?”
He took a pull from the cigar that he brought to his lips and kept his eyes focused on the screen. Almost five minutes had gone by before he answered me.
“Mad at you for what?” he asked as if he didn’t know.
“I don’t know. Maybe for not telling you that he was calling me,” I said.
“Yo, let me ask you something, and be honest. You love that nigga, ain’t it?”
I hated that he’d asked me that because I didn’t want to answer it. I wasn’t going to lie, and I was afraid that if I told the truth, it would pretty much be a wrap between us.
“I mean, yeah. Toddrick, we shared a kid. I’ve been with him since I was a little girl. I don’t love him in that way, though. I haven’t loved Trip in a sexual, romantic way in years. My love for him is just love as a person. I love him for being the father of Vonte, you know? It’s not like the love that I have for you,” I said, kind of mumbling the last part because I honestly wasn’t supposed to say that out loud. I was just supposed to think it.
“Thank you for your honesty. That shit means everything to a nigga. Sit on my lap and tell me the type of love that you have for me,” he said, making me smile.
I kicked off my house shoes, and I slid over in his lap with the blanket wrapped around my body.
“The night you came over to my house after you found out from Jabari that I almost died in the tub from taking too many of the pills, I knew at that moment that it was more than me just liking you. You cared too much about my well-being, and that sparked something in me. You made me feel so wanted. Like, you actually cared if I lived or died. I saw it all in your eyes. It was the way I broke down crying on you, and you had a way of calming me down. The way you carried me in your arms while you took me in my room made me feel safe.
“I remember begging you not to go because I felt like you were the only person who could make me feel stronger. What’s not to love about you? If Vonte was still alive, you’re the man that I would have wanted him to grow up and be like. You’re perfect,” I let him know and kissed his lips before laying my head on his chest.
“I swear I don’t know what Ima do with your ass,” he said and threw his head back.
I leaned up and bit him on his neck. “Just love me,” I told him.
“I been doing that shit, shorty. You just now opening up your eyes to actually see it,” he let me know, which gave me butterflies in my stomach.
Mahogany Williams
“It’s positive,” I said as I walked back inside the room, where Jabari was.
Over the past couple of weeks, I had just been off. Everything had been off from my mood to my energy level, my hormones, and even my damn appetite. I just wasn’t myself lately. The thing is, I wasn’t sick or anything, I just felt off. If anything was bothering me, it was experiencing those migraines that I hadn’t gotten since I was a teenager.
Jabari noticed the change in me too, so he came to me a couple of hours ago and told me that I should take a pregnancy test. I swear when he said that, I spit my water out because pregnancy wasn’t what I felt was going on with me. I think my dumb ass fucked around and fell in love, and now I was lovesick, but these two pregnancy tests that I held in my hands with bold double lines on them had proved me wrong and Jabari right.
This moment wasn’t one out of one of those romance novels where the woman was overjoyed upon finding out that she was pregnant. I mean, I felt nothing. I wouldn’t say that I was shocked because these days, Jabari and I didn’t even know what a condom was. We had sex like it was going out of style. I mean, we were worse than two horny teenagers. Just the other day, I let him convince me to leave work early, so I could meet him at his store for a quickie in his office. In the middle of us doing all this fuckin’, we still hadn’t said what we were doing. I didn’t know if we were
dating, just fuck partners, or what.
Lowkey, I was scared to ask. If Jabari didn’t feel for me what I felt for him, I just might kill his ass. I honestly didn’t know if he was fuckin’ other bitches, but if he was, they weren’t getting too much of his time because I took up a lot of his hours. Here I was, a woman who swore up and down that I would never get pregnant and birth any kids, yet I had this dumb ass look on my face as I sat at the foot of the bed, hoping that those tests were rigged or something.
“You know what we gotta do. I don’t want no kids, and neither do you. Let’s not even linger on this topic for too long,” Jabari said, standing in front of me with the test in his hands.
I mean, no, I didn’t really want to keep the baby, but at the same time, I didn’t know why I expected him to be like one of those men who was happy about a pregnancy. For a quick two seconds, I pictured him picking me up and spinning me around as he told me how happy he was that I was carrying his baby. I pictured him getting on the phone with his homeboys with pure excitement in his voice as he told them that he had a baby on the way.
“You let me hit that shit the second time I met you! We don’t take bitches like you seriously. We don’t wife hoes like you!” For whatever reason, the words that Jabari had said to me a couple of months ago replayed in my head. Although he apologized for it within seconds and swore up and down that he didn’t mean it, him quickly telling me to get an abortion within just one minute of me telling him that I was pregnant had me feeling like that statement held a little truth to it. I wondered if I had waited two months instead of two encounters to have sex with him, would he still want me to get an abortion? Would he have thought a little bit more of me?
I had no idea why I was in my feelings like this. I never got emotional when it came to a nigga. Jabari wasn’t just any nigga, though. It was so much more than just good sex with him. We both came from broken homes, so we were able to connect on a lot of things.
“I’ll call in the morning to make it then,” I commented.
I tried to stand up, but he reached out and gently pushing me back down on the bed.
“Fuck you got an attitude for? You the one said that you didn’t want any children. I can’t even see you being nobody’s mama, shorty,” he said.
I don’t even think he realized that some of the shit he said hurt. I could talk shit all day, but I never said anything to Jabari to fuck with his pride. His tongue was so fuckin’ powerful, and even my tough ass couldn’t handle it all the time. The last part caused my eyes to get a little watery, but I wouldn’t dare fold in front of him. I couldn’t give him that much satisfaction.
“Just out of curiosity, why wouldn’t you be able to see me being somebody’s mama?” I quizzed.
“I didn’t even mean it like that, yo. Like, right now at this moment, I don’t see it, but that’s not to take away shit from you or to make it seem like you have a flaw or you’re incompetent to do so. Every fuckin’ thing a nigga says to you these days, I feel like you get so easily offended. Had I said that to you a month ago, I felt like you would have laughed the shit off and said something slick back to me. Why you so damn sensitive these days?” he quizzed.
“Maybe it’s the pregnancy. Don’t worry, I’ll make the appointment.” This time, I pushed him out of the way so that I could rush into the bathroom.
Once inside, I closed and locked the door behind me then turned the sink water on and sank down on the floor, pulling my knees up to my chest, and I silently cried. I had no idea when the hell I became such a weak ass bitch, but I was her, and she was me.
I hated myself for falling in too deep with Jabari’s ass. I couldn’t even get with a nigga who respected me enough to the point that he wasn’t hollering for me to get an abortion within two minutes of knowing that I was pregnant. I had to leave Jabari alone because I didn’t like what the hell I was doing to myself. I felt like I only mattered to him when we were having sex. I only got called beautiful, bae, or anything else sentimental when he was balls deep inside of me and on the verge of busting a nut.
It took me about five minutes to get myself together in the bathroom and calm my ass down. Once I stood up from the floor, I went over to the sink and washed my face. Since my skin was so light, it was obvious that I had been crying. My whole face was red. I didn’t stop running the water on my face until I felt like I looked normal again.
When I finally walked out of the bathroom, Jabari was sitting at the foot of the bed smoking a blunt. It was almost seven at night, and we were both still in our work clothes. I was supposed to stay the night after we went out to dinner, but now I didn’t want to do any of that. All I wanted to do was go home.
I could feel his eyes on me as I went into his walk-in closet and grabbed my oversized Louis Vuitton duffle bag.
“You leaving? Fuck is wrong with you? I thought you wanted me to take you to Ruth’s Chris tonight. What happened to that?” he asked, coming in the closet where I was and looking down at me as I packed.
“I don’t want to go anymore. I’m going home,” I let him know.
“You so fuckin’ moody and bipolar. You were just sending a nigga text messages all day about how you were going to suck the skin off my dick when we got home, but now all of a sudden, you leaving. What the fuck, yo—”
“Because you don’t fuckin’ respect me, Jabari! Answer this for me. What am I to you?” I asked and threw the clothes down in the bag.
When I asked that question, my voice cracked. My stupid ass was really sitting about to start crying. Wow!
“Fuck you mean what are you to me? You’re my girl! I thought we established that shit already,” he said like he really had no fuckin’ clue why I was angry.
“When? When the hell did we have this conversation, Bari?” I was so mad.
“Last night! You don’t remember when we were fuckin’, and I asked you whose pussy was that, and you said mine? That’s when we established that. Bae, I swear you tripping. On some real shit, you sitting here packing and crying, and I’m trying to figure out what the fuck I did to you. Shorty, I been good to you, man. I ain’t been fuckin’ no other bitches, I come home to you every night, and if I don’t, you come here. I’m trying to do this whole relationship shit although this is new to me. Can a nigga get some type of fuckin’ credit? Fuck, man!” he angrily spat.
I didn’t even say anything. I just continued to pack up my things. When I was done, I stood up. I tried to walk past him, and he knocked the bag out of my hands. It fell on the floor.
“You ain’t going nowhere, man. You caught an attitude with me for no fuckin’ reason, and now all of a sudden, you trying to leave! You can’t go! I’m holding your ass hostage!” he said and placed his hands on either side of the wall, blocking me from walking out of the closet.
I didn’t even respond. I just stood there with my arms folded, looking him deep in his eyes and trying to find any clues that he was playing with me, but I didn’t find any.
“I don’t like that shit, yo. You really just sat there and packed up all of your shit like you was getting ready to leave a nigga,” he said. Jabari reached for the front of my shirt and gently pulled me into him. “I may not be that type of nigga who expresses my feelings for you 24/7, but Mahogany, I’m trying like a motha fucka. Any other bitch who I had dealings with, they probably think I’m dead because I been ghost for two months due to spending all my fuckin’ time with you. Work with me, man. I apologize, but I wasn’t raised around love. I ain’t never watched a nigga show love to my ole girl, so I’m going off the dome when it comes to what I’m doing with you. I swear I don’t mean no harm,” he let me know.
“Because you wasn’t raised around love is that why you want me to get an abortion? You basically just want to continue the cycle, right?” I quizzed.
He sucked his teeth and then pulled down on his long chin hair.
“Mahogany, why you doing this shit? I feel like you purposely trying to find a reason to beef with me. I remember the first ni
ght I stayed the night at your house, and you cooked for me. I remember that conversation that we had verbatim. You let it be known right then and there that you weren’t ever going to push no kids out for me. I was cool with that because, honestly, I wasn’t ready for all of that either. I still don’t think I’m ready. I can hardly do right by you, so how the fuck I’m supposed to do right by a child?
“I grew up having ill feelings toward my ole girl because she basically let me run free and do what the fuck I wanted. In the beginning, I loved the freedom, but the older I got, I started questioning a lot of the shit that she did. It made me feel like she didn’t love a nigga because of her inability to care about what the fuck I did. I ain’t got no type of love in my heart for my bitch ass daddy! In a way, I feel like my parents failed me. The way I feel about them, I don’t ever want my child to grow up and feel that way about me. I ain’t ready, yo. I’m sorry,” he let me know.
“Typical man. I guess none of this mattered to you when we were taking that risk and having unprotected sex. I swear, all you niggas are the fuckin’ same. Scared to be a father to a child, but you not scared to slide in some pussy without a rubber. I’m definitely going to make that appointment in the morning. I wouldn’t want a fuck nigga to have any type of affiliation with my child anyway!” I screamed then bent down to pick up the duffle bag that he’d dropped on the floor.
I went from feeling sad to just feeling downright angry. I hated Jabari, with his manipulative ass. Stupid ass knew I wasn’t on birth control or anything. I was even madder at myself for allowing it.
“Watch your fuckin’ mouth, yo! I don’t give a fuck how mad you are, watch your damn mouth,” he spat. He was angry, but I didn’t fuckin’ care! I was angry too, plus I was hurt.
“Watch my mouth or what? Nigga, you don’t fuckin’ scare me! And to think I thought your dog ass was different. I hate that I even let you smell my pussy! Move!”
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