They followed the track to the rock carefully; a light fall of rain overnight had turned the deep wheel-divots into puddles, and here and there clay was breaking through and making the way slippery. The jam trees were bending and falling towards the track, and the thick grass was holding on to heavy raindrops, which were rolling lazily along the strong green blades and back again in the breeze. Dog was barking with joy on the back of the ute, dashing from side to side. Will had to be having a marvellous time. After a few minutes they pulled off the main track and headed around the back of the rock, watching for sticks that might puncture the tyres. Teddy saw that her favourite puddle, right near the base of the rock, was almost the size of a pond. She stopped the ute and the bush fell silent again. Dog jumped out of the back and took off after a rabbit with an excited yip.
‘Thank fuck!’ came from the back of the ute. Deirdre climbed out.
‘We don’t appreciate language like that around here,’ she informed him. ‘What would Audrey say?’
‘That depends – has she ever been trampled to death by a dog in the back of a ute?’
Teddy opened the tray and held out a hand. ‘Get out, you poor old thing. We need firewood.’
He took her hand and climbed gingerly down, resting his other hand on her shoulder. It took him a long moment to collect himself.
‘Are you going to throw up?’ she winced.
‘Maybe later.’ He breathed in. ‘But there appears to be plenty of fresh air here, so I might be okay.’
She stepped back and his hand hung there for a moment like it could still feel her.
‘If you go low, you’ll be able to find some dry kindling under a few branches. I’ve brought along a couple of mallee roots and other bits. If you can get the small stuff we’ll be right.’ He nodded at her and headed out into the bush, while she wandered back to the pond. Deirdre was there, looking into the pool with great interest.
‘Tadpoles,’ she said. ‘I used to find them here when I was a girl, you know.’ Teddy did know. Deirdre liked the tadpoles; she had always gone to find them in the pools before anyone else.
‘How many do you think there are?’ she asked.
‘Oh, I think a dozen or so, easily,’ Deirdre replied.
‘I’ll just go fetch the stuff,’ Teddy said. ‘You wait here and tell Will where we want the fire.’ Deirdre nodded absent-mindedly, staring into the pond of tadpoles, the chilled breeze pushing unnoticed against her thick woollen floral dress and bright red cardigan.
When Teddy came back she saw Deirdre had found a spot out of the wind and had formed a circle of rocks rough with lichen. She was arranging the chairs when Will arrived with a large armful of sticks, twigs and straw and began setting the fire. He worked quickly and made no concession to what must have been a pretty interesting headache, which, Teddy had to admit, impressed her.
She watched him move. He bent his lean, muscular body over the task while chatting to Deirdre, who was still disapproving but eager to talk about the tadpoles at the same time. Another ute was approaching. ‘This’ll be Audrey now,’ she said. It was, and Teddy watched as Audrey and a woman she didn’t know got out of the car.
‘Who’s with her?’ Teddy said, and Will looked up. He swore under his breath. ‘What?’ she asked him. He shook his head at her. They approached, with the stranger holding Audrey’s elbow to guide her on the slippery moss. She was an attractive woman, maybe fifty years of age, with curly blonde hair and large sunglasses. There was tension in Audrey’s body, Teddy realised, and a hesitancy in her face.
‘Good morning, my dears!’ Audrey began, smiling warmly. She glanced at Will, who was looking at a tadpole. Maybe he was going to throw up, after all.
‘Morning, Audrey,’ Teddy replied and Deirdre gave them both a smile.
‘We’ve got some tea in the thermos while we wait for the billy to boil,’ Teddy said. The blonde woman glanced at Will and back at Audrey, who gestured to her.
‘Deirdre, I know you’ll remember Pam. Teddy, this is Pam, Will’s mum.’ He had a mother. Did he know that? He didn’t seem to. They all looked expectantly at Will.
‘Hello, darl,’ Pam said.
He looked up at her. ‘I didn’t know you were coming,’ he said.
‘I thought I’d visit Audrey for a couple of days,’ she explained. ‘You look well – ah, apart from your face —’
‘It’s a long story,’ Teddy interjected.
‘I got hit.’
‘Okay, so maybe not that long.’ She filled the billy from the large container of water she’d hauled from the ute. ‘Well . . . Let’s all have a nice cup of tea, shall we?’ she offered. Tea. The answer. She settled the billy in the fire, which was still burning a little too high, and Will held it still while they adjusted some stones under it to keep it flat.
‘You okay?’ she whispered. He didn’t look at her. ‘Yep.’
It wasn’t her business. He could have just been grumpy because of the hangover but she knew it was more than that. There was a tension around the little campfire that hadn’t been there before. The women were chatting comfortably about the rock, talking about its location, the view from the top, the advent of tadpoles in the water, the potential to find spider orchids around its skirts in the spring. They knew how to chat all right, and the gentle sound kept up its steady flow. She imagined they could have maintained the same comforting stream of chatter while the bombs were dropping on London, or while they were in Paris, waiting in the queue for the guillotine.
Teddy cut up the sandwiches Audrey had brought and listened in while Will busied himself with fetching more wood. It seemed like a bad plan to her. If he wanted to get out of there, building a fire that was going to burn until tomorrow was a bad way to go about it. Still, she reasoned, they had the water from the pond.
‘So Will, how have you been, darl?’ Pam asked and he stopped moving for a second.
‘Good, thanks,’ he grunted.
‘You been fighting again, darl?’
‘Yep.’
Pam attempted a light-hearted laugh. ‘You always were a bit of a firebrand, my love, weren’t you?’
‘Not always,’ he corrected her. ‘Only when it counted.’
‘Now, now, Will, let’s not go into all that again.’
‘No.’
‘Good,’ Pam said uncertainly. She moved towards him and touched his temple near his injury. ‘I’m worried about you, Willy.’ He flinched away from her.
‘Don’t be,’ he warned her. ‘I’m not your concern, Mum. I never have been.’ The hurt and humiliation registered on her face and the conversation dried up in a heartbeat.
‘You’re a strong boy, Will, dear,’ Audrey supplied. ‘You can look after yourself.’
Will glared at her.
‘And yet you’ve invited my mother to come visit?’ he snapped.
Teddy gasped. No one had ever been so rude to Audrey in her living memory. It was like spitting on the Queen. Audrey went white and Deirdre leapt to her feet in outrage.
‘Now, you listen here!’ she growled. ‘No one talks to Audrey that way! You’ll apologise young man, or you’ll walk home!’ Will looked chastened.
‘Sorry, Audrey,’ he muttered. ‘You’ve been brilliant to me and I’ll never forget it.’ Audrey smiled, but she’d been shaken. Teddy noticed her hands clasped in her lap. ‘I’m hungover – I’m not in the mood to be blindsided.’
‘No, darl,’ his mother said, looking moistly into her enamel mug. ‘I can see that.’
‘Yeah, well, you took a risk and it didn’t work out.’ There was an awkward silence. ‘You well?’ he asked resentfully.
‘Yes, thank you. I’ve moved into a nice new place in the northern suburbs, near Hillarys.’
‘Good. New boyfriend?’
‘I’ve been seeing a very nice man, actually. He’s a window washer.’
‘Good.’
‘You’d like him —’
‘Probably.’ Will stood up. ‘I’m going to check out t
he view,’ he announced and started walking up the rock. Teddy leapt up as well.
‘I’ll join you,’ she insisted. He ignored her, and his long legs were eating up the distance so that she really had to trot to catch up. ‘Hey!’ she called. ‘Wait a sec!’ If anything he sped up and it took her a few minutes before she was beside him. He was swinging his long arms, staring firmly ahead as he climbed the rock. ‘You okay?’ she said.
‘Yep.’
‘Well, I think we both know that’s bullshit,’ she informed him. ‘You are usually Mr Chatty, but today you seem pretty pissed off.’
‘Hangover,’ he grunted.
When they neared the top, the green patchwork of farms spread out before them and the sun burst through the clouds. They stood on the south side and looked out towards Windstorm, following the fence lines with their gaze, past the white clumps of sheep and the dark green trees. Some of the paddocks had been ripped up and were carved into simple shapes, deviating around dams and rocky outcrops like rippled swirls on a cake.
Without knowing why, she reached out and took his hand. ‘What is it?’ she asked.
He sighed, released her hand and then sat down on a rock with his back to the sun.
‘It’s your house, isn’t it? We’re digging up your house?’
He nodded.
She sat next to him. ‘What happened with your mum? Is it connected to your stay in prison?’
‘Yeah.’ He was moving his hand anxiously up and down the leg of his jeans, until he unexpectedly reached for her hand again and held it loosely in his. This time her touch seemed to tame his restlessness. Will looked out towards the Windstorm lake, still hidden beyond the horizon. ‘Mum and Dad split when I was twelve. It was a crappy time for me and I acted out. I told you I was stealing things, hanging out with some fairly bad kids, that sort of thing. Mum probably tried to get through to me but I felt – and I don’t know if I was being fair – that she was more interested in herself than in me. I always had this uncomfortable feeling that my life was supposed to be about her – and it rankled. I resented her, but I also clung to her. Dad disappeared and didn’t seek any form of visitation, which hurt. Mum was lonely, I guess, and still young. She wanted to date, and she did. But her boyfriends were kind of losers. The one she had when I was fifteen used to hit her. I would avoid going home so I didn’t have to see it, and so I was filled with guilt and resentment.
‘Anyway, one day I came home and he was hitting her. He’d broken her nose and he had her by the throat. I lost it and I beat the shit out of him. I was just so filled with rage –’ Will took a breath – ‘not just at him for hitting my mum, but at her for choosing him, at Dad for leaving me, at the guilt I felt that I couldn’t help her, and that she’d never be the mother I wanted her to be. I broke his jaw, cheekbone, cracked a couple of ribs, knocked out a tooth or two. I was arrested and he laid charges.
‘Mum stood by him. He had his own court date to deal with. She supported him and not me. I see now that maybe she was vulnerable, under the influence of this abusive guy, but I was a kid at the time. I figured she wanted someone to look after her and he was a safer bet. She didn’t show at my court dates because he didn’t want her there. I served six months and came out at sixteen determined never to see her again.’
‘And have you?’
‘Occasionally, by accident mostly. I can’t feel anything for her any more. I hate myself for it, but I can’t make myself feel anything for her. She left me to it. Long before I was charged, before she even got together with this guy, she abandoned me. She started a new life without even trying to find a way for me to fit. She’s older now, and she’s probably got time to feel regret. Hey, I feel it too, but I feel like I paid the price. Now it’s her turn.’
‘You punishing her?’
‘No, not really. I think I’m just looking after myself.’
‘Hey.’ Teddy put her other hand on his and he stared at her fingers as they curled around his. ‘Do you think you could forgive her?’
He moved his thumb experimentally against her palm. ‘I think even if I do I still won’t love her,’ he said. ‘I think I’d rather believe it was because I’m angry, not because I’m broken.’
She pulled his hand to her mouth briefly and held it to her cheek. ‘You’re not broken, Will,’ she told him, and he kissed her.
His lips were warm against hers and his mouth nuzzled hers until she opened to him and kissed him back. He slowly brought his hands up to gently frame her face, as if he was afraid she might move away. She shyly touched his hair and his shoulders, thrilled and appalled at the same time. This wasn’t a weak, wet kiss from a boy, this was a man’s kiss, both selfish and giving. She breathed him in like the clear blue sky sailing overhead, catching for once the life that rushed past her everyday, and holding it for a long sweet moment in her fingers, her mouth, her heart.
‘Hey,’ she whispered, holding him close. ‘You’re allowed to feel what you feel. It doesn’t make you a bad man.’
‘I’m not a good man,’ he said. She breathed him in and felt wings in her chest, beating frantically. ‘But don’t worry,’ he added, ‘you’re safe with me.’
Some willie wagtails started up a fight in the scrub nearby, chirping, fanning their tails and bouncing about on their tiny, twiggy feet.
He stood up and reached down for her and Teddy took his hand and let him pull her to her feet.
‘Sometimes I think I’m tired of being safe,’ she murmured, but her voice was carried away on the wind.
When they made it back down near the gathered women, it was apparent that there was a more jovial mood. Audrey was telling a favourite story about a distant cousin who had faked her way into a Broadway musical, and Teddy could hear her working her way through a couple of show tunes. She seemed to be onto Guys and Dolls, and Pam and Deirdre were giggling in delight.
‘They look like they’re getting on all right,’ Teddy observed as they approached, watching as the women clapped and cheered Audrey’s performance.
‘I think Deirdre’s met my mum before,’ Will said. ‘I must say I’m kind of surprised they’re so comfortable with each other.’
‘You should know that’s Audrey’s special talent,’ Teddy said. ‘She is a natural host, not like Grandma.’
‘Audrey was my saviour, you know, when I was in juvie.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘She visited me every week for six months, and I got into archaeology because of her. She kept bringing me history books.’ He smiled down at Teddy as they picked their way over the rock. ‘She paid for my degree.’ Teddy had never heard even a whisper of it this before. No wonder he felt he owed her. ‘That’s why I came. Audrey asked me, and I can never say no to her. She’s had my back my whole life, even though my mum is her mum’s cousin or something. She just decided for some reason that I needed her to look out for me.’
‘Does your mum know?’
He shrugged. ‘I doubt it. Of course that’s why Audrey is trying to play happy families. But it isn’t going to work and it’s going to make my mum feel even worse. She’s better off with whichever boyfriend is making her happy this week.’
Deirdre looked up and saw them. ‘Good view?’ she called out. ‘Did you show Will the wheat silos? You can see them from here, you know.’
Teddy looked a bit shamefaced. ‘Yeah, he was, uhh . . . impressed,’ she said.
‘I really was,’ Will added for effect. ‘They were impressive.’
If Deirdre had been in any way suspicious, she gave no indication. She nodded briefly and poked the fire with a stick. ‘Good. What’s say you find us one more log, and then we’ll head home?’
Will disappeared into the bush without further comment, and Teddy settled back into the picnic with the women.
‘Ida loved this spot,’ Deirdre observed. ‘Do you remember when we had the church committee picnic out here, Audrey?’
‘Oh, yes. Wasn’t it hot that day? And that was the time that lovely
young lass Barbara was visiting Ida from Austria. The poor girl nearly fainted!’
Will reappeared with a small log. ‘There was a larger one,’ he said, ‘but it had a lizard under it, and he made me feel bad.’ He threw the log onto the flames.
‘Very admirable,’ Pam said. ‘Thank you, Will.’
Will grunted and reached for a water bottle. He was probably going to be dehydrated until the next day.
Teddy found she didn’t want to hang around the fire listening to the women talk. She couldn’t concentrate on the conversation.
‘You okay?’ Will asked.
She nodded. ‘I might just go for a wander further around,’ she said. ‘See if I can find any more puddles.’
‘Want me to come?’
‘Nah, they all look like this one anyway,’ she assured him.
He tilted his head to the side as if he was considering her but couldn’t work her out.
She set off around the base of the rock, listening to the gentle rumble of her boots on the small rocks and the occasional hollow sound of shards of granite as she trod on them. The rock was surrounded by she-oaks and small shrubby eucalypts. As a kid she had played among them: digging up flat grasses and throwing them into spiders webs; fishing for tadpoles so she could spot their tiny legs developing; building humpies out of branches and dried undergrowth. She heard some willie wagtails chattering and a couple of miner birds shrieking behind her, furious at her rudeness. Teddy came around to where she knew there would be a deep pond, and walked towards it. Sure enough, there it was, marked by a couple of boulders. She sat on a large rock for a while and watched the insects drop down onto the still surface of the water and lift away again, making tiny scars on the surface that dissolved in an instant. The ponds were perfect mirrors, reflecting the sky as it rushed overhead.
Will. She thought about Will and how he had felt under her hands, against her mouth. How he had looked at her.
But he wasn’t for her – he wasn’t Byron. He was real and he wasn’t perfect. He drank too much, he moved around and avoided relationships, he was a terrible housekeeper, he didn’t love his mother. But there was something about him and the way he looked at her that made her feel precious or exotic. Like he’d never dug up a farm girl before. She pulled some leaves off a bush and tossed them towards the water of the pond one by one, where they fluttered lightly to the surface, spun slowly, then followed the breeze as it took them away from her.
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