Her words tugged at his heart. She had so little confidence in herself when dealing with his clan -- not that he blamed her. Yet, unless she committed murder, she should know he would support her actions.
"Ciara, tell me what you have done."
Her gaze moved to his. Uncertainty clouded the serene beauty of her eyes.
"I told her you upheld my decision and, unless she complied, she would be turned out of this keep and forbidden to tend me or anyone else under your realm."
Alastair stared down at her and prayed one day soon she would love him as much as he loved her.
"You told her true, wife."
Reservation creased her brow. "You are not angry?"
He shook his head and pulled her into his arms. "What is there to be angry about? You are my wife, and your worries concern me also." His fingers strayed to her cheek and eased away an errant lock of hair. "Clearly, Johann believed you or she would not have complied."
"I am free to make decisions? You will not belittle me for my boldness?"
Anger churned in the pit of his belly. 'Twas not aimed at his wife, but at the sadist who placed such fear and doubt in her heart.
With restraint, he kept his temper in check. "I would never belittle you, Ciara. I love you, lass."
Tears dusted her eyes and she lowered her gaze to his chest. "You continue to amaze me, husband. A lesser man would have chastised me before the clan for daring to imply he honored a decision he knew naught about."
His fingers slid to her chin and raised her gaze to his. "Have I not done my best to honor all your requests?"
She nodded and tried to withdraw from his grasp. He resisted.
"Who in your past condemned you, Ciara?" He held her close and refused to yield. "Who did you love so much that their ill-placed logic wounded your soul?"
Ciara closed her eyes and shook her head. "Some things are best left alone, husband."
"More often than not, only by speaking about such offenses can they be resolved."
She squirmed in his embrace. "Alastair, please. I do not wish to speak of the past."
"I do." One hand cupped her cheek. "Look at me, Ciara."
Her eyes drifted open. Nestled in their depths he saw the pain she bore. He wanted to banish it from her mind, her body, her soul.
"You can trust me, wife." She shivered in his arms and lowered her gaze. "I need to know how you were harmed. 'Tis the only way to mend your shattered faith."
Again, she shook her head. "I cannot open wounds long healed, husband." She raised her head and stared at him through eyes filled with tears. "Let it rest."
"I cannot do that. Somewhere along the journey of your life, you experienced a terrible event. Whatever it was, it damaged your soul."
Hurt flashed across her eyes and spilled a tear over her cheek. "Release me."
Her choked whisper stabbed his heart as keenly as a blade. Perhaps he was wrong to force her to discuss a subject that bore her pain. With regret, he withdrew his touch.
A ragged breath filled her lungs. She turned away from him and bowed her head.
"Ciara, I only try to help." He longed to touch her again, to place his hands on her shoulders and draw her against his chest. "Who wounded you, lass?"
Silence drifted between them. Each second echoed through Alastair's heart until he could stand no more. He followed his instincts and pulled her against him.
Her body trembled. 'Twas then he noticed she wept. The sight of her tears burned his soul.
Wrapped in his arms, he pressed his cheek against hers and whispered, "It breaks my heart to see you suffer, Ciara. Please, tell me who made you ashamed to love me."
One hand rose to her cheek. Her fingers quivered as she wiped away the tears that stained her freckled skin.
"Brothers can be very cruel," she whispered on a choked breath. "The lessons they taught -- I learned much from their countless, if not honest, tactics."
Alastair could barely breathe. Brothers. He should have known that growing up under the fist of Eneas had harmed his wife. And Ninian. Had he misjudged the man? Had he been in on the pranks that wounded his bride?
Ciara moved from his embrace. "The spring Valerie and I turned four and ten, lads captured our fascination." She paused before the hearth and sighed. "Val was so fair. The lads buzzed around her like bees to honey."
Memories of Valerie flitted across his mind. Her smile and charm, her love of life. Remorse touched his soul. He had not deserved her and, in the end, he was the cause of her death.
"Their lack of attention toward me was no bother. Despite Valerie's reassurance, I knew I was unattractive. I had enough people around to tell me, so that I knew the truth." She shrugged. "'Twas a fact."
Alastair had a very difficult time keeping his distance. He wanted to go to her, hold her, love her. But he couldn't. Not until she was ready.
"That spring, a young man from a neighboring clan arrived. A friend of Eneas', he gained permission to stay with our clan for the duration of the summer. Handsome is not a strong enough word to describe his appearance. When he passed by, grown women would pause their chores and admire him."
Bitterness wound through Alastair's belly. He didn't like the way this conversation was going.
"I was no different from the others. I dreamt of winning his heart, although I was never bold enough to try. With my looks, he barely knew I existed."
Alastair moved toward her, unable to stay rooted to the spot by the table. He paused before her and drew her gaze. He was almost sorry he persisted with this issue.
"Unbeknownst to me, Eneas overheard Valerie and I discussing our childhood fantasies of love toward his friend. Eneas enlisted him and some of my siblings in a jest." Her lower lip quivered.
She bowed her head. "For a fortnight this lad entertained me. He accompanied me during my chores, sat with me during meals and convinced me that he truly cared. All the while, my brothers snickered behind my back and enjoyed their ruse."
Anger churned in Alastair's gut, at her brothers and himself. From this tale, he knew that in his wife's eyes, he was no different than this cruel lad.
"One evening, in response to a message, I went to meet him by the bank of the loch near our home." A tender smile touched her lips.
"'Twas the most beautiful night ever. The moon was full, the breeze warm. A perfect setting for --" Her voice faltered and her smile disappeared. "I am ashamed to say, I fell right into their scheme. Feelings I shared with no one except Valerie tumbled from my foolish lips. Hope filled my heart as I waited for him to repeat my words of devotion."
Shivers slid down Alastair's spine. With care, he reached out and touched her cheek. Her eyes met his. Mirrored there he saw the extent of the damage done to her by a thoughtless prank.
"I can still hear their laughter, Alastair," she whispered as silent tears fell from her eyes. "My brothers emerged from the shrubs and mocked my words. All the while, the lot of them rolled around the sweet grass and roared themselves silly. I had never been so humiliated in my life."
She was right, her brothers were cruel. At this moment, Alastair had half a mind to hunt them down and beat them into the ground. Worse still, she thought the same of him.
Ciara turned away and approached the window. "To hear such ridicule from this lad, not to mention my brothers, spiraled me deep into disgrace." She paused and drew a ragged breath into her lungs.
"Eneas was the worst of the lot. My mortification alone was not enough for him. He belittled me with taunts of my emotions. He called me weak and desperate, and said I would toss myself at any man who showed me kindness."
Alastair's hands curled into fists. Wait until he saw Eneas again!
"When I gained my freedom from the cruel realm by the loch, I fled for my rooms. Along the way, I literally ran into Ninian. I was hysterical, yet he gained enough information to know what happened. He beat the stuffing out of Eneas for instigating the ruse."
Good, Alastair thought and crossed the room to s
tand beside her.
"When father discovered what transpired, he banished the lad back to his people and my brothers were reprimanded." She shook her head. "No amount of punishment could erase the ugly truth I learned that night."
Alastair brushed her cheek with his fingers and drew her gaze. "The only truth displayed is that your brothers are cruel creatures with no respect for others."
"You are wrong, husband," she whispered. "I learned through countless escapades not to show sentiment. To admit love is the same as placing your heart on a table for cannibals to feast upon. To show emotion or display tears is a sign of weakness. One should remain impassive, and keep all feelings buried deep inside where no one can ever reach."
Her words twisted his heart. He shook his head and eased her toward him. "You are mistaken, Ciara."
"Nay, I am not." She moved out of his grasp and stared at him through sorrowful eyes. "Their jests were numerous, their repentance stark. The night my sire died is yet another confirmation of my words. I wept without restraint over his corpse, and expressed my wishes over his burial. This so enraged Eneas that he beat me before the clan, shouting at me all the while to cease the tears. He was now the laird. 'Twas his place to make all decisions concerning the clan."
Alastair reached for her. She slapped his hands away. Anger mixed with determination set her jaw.
"I vowed that day never to display emotions in the presence of another, to never trust another. Until I met you, I kept that promise. Now, look at me. I am an emotional wretch, and it is all your fault!"
"Ciara --"
"Stand away from me, MacDonell." Again, she slapped away his touch. "You forced me to wed you, then tricked me into your bed."
"You tempt my anger, woman," he said and pulled her into his grasp. He reminded himself that because she carried his babe, her emotions were raw.
"You are the one who would not let the matter rest, husband. Do not blame me if you do not care for the truth." She struggled against him, her anger high. "I never wanted to feel again. You made me break the promise I made to myself."
"Ciara, it is normal to feel, to love, to weep."
She shook her head. "'Tis weakness that opens yourself for wounds."
"Sheep shit!" he said and tightened his hold on her arms. "Eneas is a imbecile. Wait until my path crosses his again! If you thought Ninian beat the stuffing out of him, 'tis naught compared to what I long to do to him for hurting you so."
"He opened my eyes --"
"He blinded you!" God, she was frustrating. "Damn it all, Ciara. I love you."
He crushed her against his chest and kissed her. Alastair longed to wipe away the memories of a cruel childhood from her brain. He wanted her forever in his arms, his heart, his soul. Through trust, she would see that her brothers were wrong, that she could openly love him without fear of ridicule.
The kiss lasted until her struggles ceased and her arms circled his neck. With reluctance, he lifted his head and stared down into her flushed face.
"You muddle my brain, husband," she whispered, then lowered her gaze. "You make me forget your betrayal."
"Place your trust in me, Ciara, and I will open a whole new world for you." He cupped her cheek and lifted her face. "I swear on Valerie's grave never to hurt you again."
"I want to believe you."
Hope speared his heart. "You can believe me, love. Have I not done all in my power to learn the truth thus far?"
Ciara lowered her gaze and nodded.
"Have I not tried to regain your trust?"
Again, she nodded. Alastair raised her chin and stared into her beautiful eyes. "Are you through punishing me, wife? Can we resume our life?"
"I am frightened -- afraid of being hurt again, Alastair. Life has been very cruel to me thus far. Why should I believe you, or believe that happiness can be mine?"
His heart shivered against his ribs. How he loved her! "I will do my best each and every day to make you happy. Our time apart has been torture to me. I love you, Ciara. Please forgive me."
Tears shimmered in her eyes. "Should I forgive you, and you hurt me again, I would be tempted to kill you in your bed."
"I would deserve that." He stroked her cheek and captured an errant tear with his fingers. "Am I forgiven?"
Another tear spilled over her lashes and Ciara nodded.
Joy such as Alastair never knew before filled his soul. He crushed her against him and kissed her deeply. "You will not regret your decision, love," he whispered and cradled her in his arms. "I promise to love you forever."
Ciara sniffed and pushed away from his embrace. "What if I cannot return the love you give?"
"Then, I suppose I will know how Valerie must have felt. She loved me to the depths of her soul, yet I was unable to return the words." He stroked her cheek again. "If you bear feelings of love for me, then do not fear saying the words. I assure you, naught but good will come from such an admission."
Ciara gently shook her head. "Alastair, I --"
"Hush," he whispered and placed a finger over her full lips. "When you trust me, when you are ready to take a risk, the words will come. Until then, try to forget Eneas and his pranks."
She closed her eyes and nodded. "I will try."
Alastair folded her into his arms and held her close. "'Tis all I ask, lass," he said and placed a tender kiss upon her brow. "'Tis all I ask."
Chapter Twenty-Two
"Ninian!" Ciara smiled and hastened down the snow-covered steps that separated her from her brother and Torquil. She flung herself into Ninian's waiting arms and hugged him tight.
"Och, sister, 'tis frigid out." He eased his hold and grasped her shoulders. "You should have remained indoors. 'Tis unwise for a lass in your condition to be running through the snow."
"I agree."
Ciara disentangled herself from her brother's grasp and turned toward the keep. Alastair stood on the steps, her cloak clutched in his powerful hand.
"Do not be cross with me, husband, or you will find yourself alone once more," she said and made her way toward him through the hampering snow. "If you had told me of his impending arrival, I would not have forgotten my cloak."
"I was unsure how long the journey would take." Alastair frowned and settled the garment on her shoulders. He glanced over her head and nodded. "I am glad to see you were able to come so soon, Ninian."
Her brother moved beside her and rubbed his gloved hands together. "I knew by the missive that it would be best not to tarry."
Ciara creased her brow and looked up at her husband. "Missive? You sent for him?"
Alastair nodded and, her elbow in his grasp, turned toward the keep. "I have laid a trap and I need your brother's assistance to carry off the ploy."
Dread coiled through her belly. She paused at the entrance and drew her husband's frown. "Whom do you plan to snare?"
"We can discuss this inside, wife," he said and pushed open the door.
A muffled groan echoed from behind the door and the barrier began to close. Alastair grimaced and wedged his body through the opening.
Ciara tried to peer over his shoulder. All she saw was the broad expanse of her husband's back.
"Johann, are you hale? I had no idea you were so close."
Mistrust sped through Ciara's veins. In the fortnight that had passed since Johann's arrival, Ciara grew more ill at ease. Something was amiss with the woman's presence, yet Ciara could not identify what precisely caused her suspicion. Johann was polite and attentive to Ciara's needs. There was no basis for her feelings, save for her intuition.
"Och, laird, 'tis I who beg pardon of you. 'Tis clumsy I am in my old age."
The door opened and Ciara stepped into the warmth of the hall, Ninian and Torquil close behind.
Johann, her cheeks flushed, smoothed a hand over her groomed hair and brushed her fingers against the skirt of her gown. At least the woman had maintained her appearance during her stay.
"Arrange refreshments for my guest and have Ninian's th
ings placed in a room," Alastair said to Johann as he swept the cloak from Ciara's shoulders. "The men in their company will be weary, not to mention hungry." He handed Johann the cloak and, hand pressed against the small of his wife's back, ushered her toward the room he used for an office.
Ciara seated herself on the couch. Ninian and Torquil vied for a position before the hearth while Alastair closed the door.
He turned to face the room and sighed. "How were you received at Glengarry?"
Torquil grumbled and fixed Alastair with a frown. "With arrows, at first. Once we gained the advantage and John read the missive, all was well."
Alastair seated himself beside Ciara. "He will come?"
Torquil nodded. "Aye."
Unease settled in Ciara's belly. She turned to her husband. "Your uncle will visit? I thought you detested him?"
"I do." He then explained all he learned about Rachel, and his suspicions of his uncle's involvement.
Gooseflesh slid over Ciara's skin. The evil that possessed some men, she would never understand. Deep in her heart, she prayed Alastair was correct and her father's name would be cleared.
"John is very devious. 'Tis one of the reasons why I wanted Ninian here. I need several trusted eyes upon the man for the duration of his stay."
Ciara lowered her gaze from her husband. How had she been so fortunate to find him? Another man would have let the matter rest as truth. Not Alastair. He made her a promise and, clearly, intended to honor his word.
"What role do you plan for me?"
Ninian's voice drew her gaze. He moved away from the hearth a bit, yet remained close to its warmth.
"Friendship," Alastair said. A knock at the door halted his words.
Johann entered the room and placed a tray on the polished table before the couch. Her gaze rested on Ciara for the space of a heartbeat, then moved to Alastair. "Will you be needing anything else, laird?"
Alastair shook his head and leaned forward to fill mugs with ale. "Nay, Johann, thank you. Close the door on your way out."
Again the woman's gaze swept Ciara. The look nestled in Johann's eyes sent chills through Ciara's soul. Something about this woman did not ring true.
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