by Alison Ryan
My first inclination was to say no. I wouldn’t be fun. I couldn’t imagine ever being entertaining again. I had never felt this type of raw hurt. I also didn’t want to leave Grandma. What if my mom went crazy again and left in the middle of the night? It just seemed too risky.
But another part of me thought about how nice it would be to lay on a beach next to a great friend, watching the people, reading good books. Getting tan. Having seafood and grilling out. Going to a carnival. A week of just fun. I only wished Rhiannon could go. It wouldn’t be as fun without her.
“I don’t know,” I said. “I’ll have to talk to my mom. Make sure Grandma’s going to be okay.”
“Of course,” McKenna said. “I totally understand. I really hope you consider it though. I can’t think of anyone I want to go more.”
“I will. I mean- part of me says it’s a great idea. I just don’t want to be mopey the whole time and drag you down.”
“Of course not!” said McKenna. “You couldn’t drag me down.”
“I just can’t believe it,” I said. “You warned me not to fall for him. It was barely a month ago and here I am. Such a sucker. Ugh!” I buried my face in the pillow. “I’m such an idiot!”
“I’m sorry, Addie.” She wrapped her arm around me, “If it’s any consolation, I’m as surprised as you are. He really liked you, Addie. I could see it. Ryan Kidson has never shown any interest and I mean any interest in any other girl than Rachel. So many girls have tried. None have succeeded. He’s not someone that messes around. So this is just as confusing to me, girl.”
I wasn’t sure if it helped or not. All I knew was that the one thing that truly brought me happiness in this summer of doom and gloom was him. And in an instant he was gone.
McKenna stayed over a couple hours, but she left around dinner time. By then, Grandma, Mom, and Shayla were finally back from seeing Dr. Harrison. Grandma looked exhausted.
“I think I just want to go to bed if that’s okay,” she said, slowly shuffling into the living room. “I’m just so beat.”
“Momma, you should eat something,” my mother said. “Aren’t you hungry?”
Grandma waved her off, “No, no. Just very tired. I can barely take how tired I am.”
She slowly stretched out on the sofa and was fast asleep before I could even put the blanket on her. I looked up at Shayla and Mom.
“Is she okay?” I asked.
“It was just a long appointment and a longer drive. She doesn’t do too well in the car anymore. It makes her sick,” Aunt Shayla said. “She’s fine for now. Do you want dinner?”
“I put a frozen pizza in the oven. Should be ready soon.” I looked at Mom who was quiet, “Are you alright?”
Mom smiled a thin smile and nodded. “I’m okay,” she said. “Just a lot to take in.”
“Let’s go outside,” I said. “We can talk about it.”
We walked out onto the front porch, slowly shutting the screen door behind us so it didn’t slam shut and wake Grandma. Shayla puttered around the kitchen.
“Let’s sit.” We sat on the steps and for a while we were quiet, just listening to the evening. Cricket chirps floated from the bushes. Fireflies lit up in the distance near McKenna’s house.
“I don’t know how we’re going to get through this,” Mom finally said. “I can admit that to you, right? That I don’t know what I’m doing?”
I reached for her hand, “I don’t think anyone would know what to do in our position.”
“But I’m your mom. I know I need to get my shit together. But I’m also her daughter. And I feel like I haven’t been a good one. And now she’s…” Mom couldn’t finish the sentence.
“I don’t want to upset you,” she continued. “But what we’re about to go through, it’s going to be tough, baby.”
“What did you learn?” I asked. My stomach was in knots.
“So much I can barely remember. I feel like she’d be better at a medical facility or nursing home. I’m so afraid I won’t be enough. But she is insistent on being home for this.”
This. Such a loaded word. It meant everything. This was another word for the end.
What was I thinking being so upset about a boy? My grandma was dying and all I could cry about was some guy I barely knew, doing what guys do and picking someone else. I realized, in that moment, that maybe Ryan Kidson being an asshole was a gift. Now I could focus on what really mattered - my family. I wasn’t here for anything else. Grandma needed us. And it was such a relief to see my mother finally get with the program and realize what we were up against. And even if she felt like she might fall short, the fact that she was willing to fall at all said a lot. My mom ran before falling. And this was something none of us could run from. Whether we felt equipped or not, this is where and when we would be defined for the rest of our lives.
I wrapped my arm around Mom, who had her head buried in her hands, “It’s going to be okay. I’m here. Shayla’s here. Mom, haven’t you learned? The majority of the battle is just in the showing up. And we’re here, Mom. Grandma wouldn’t want it any other way.”
My mother and I sat on that porch for almost an hour. We might have barely said a paragraph worth of sentences to one another, but it didn’t matter. The silence, sometimes, is what speaks more.
10
I was reading People magazine at the kitchen table, after three slices of Tombstone pizza, when the phone rang. Mom was upstairs taking a shower and Aunt Shayla had already left. Without thinking, I picked it up before it could ring again and wake Grandma.
“Hey. Addie.”
It was Ryan. The sound of his voice, all full of boyishness and anxiety, made me catch my breath for a moment. I coughed unattractively for a few seconds before replying.
“Hi.” I didn’t know what else to say.
“I’m sorry,” he started. “I really messed up-“
“Yeah. It’s fine.” My voice was cold and flat. I would not let him hear my heart break.
“No,” he said. “It’s not fine. I was surprised by something and I completely lost track of time and it’s no excuse, Addie, but I would really love to come over and see you.”
“Now?” I asked.
“Yes,” he said. “I want to talk.”
“We can just talk on the phone,” I said, even though I was desperate to see him. But I also knew it would be bad for me, seeing his face.
“I’d rather talk in person. I-“
“Why?” I said, my voice gaining emotion. “So you can watch my face crumble at the news that you’ve gotten back together with Rachel? And that it was a fun couple weeks but now it’s over? Because I’m fine with hearing that over the phone.”
“That’s it,” he said. “I’m coming over. Now.” And he hung up.
I looked at the phone, shocked.
Part of me was thrilled he was coming over and a part of me was angry that he thought he could call the shots here. But either way, I had to keep in my mind that no matter what he said, it was over. I couldn’t be distracted by Ryan Kidson anymore.
I sat on the front steps, barefoot. I would usually go to my room and preen and primp and lament how imperfect I was. But today, I couldn’t care. I stayed in the clothes I had slept in last night and lounged in all day. He wasn’t worth the effort anymore. Besides, even at my best, he was choosing someone else. So what did it matter?
It didn’t seem to take long for the headlights to come blazing up the drive. He parked right next to Grandma’s truck. Normally I ran up to him, but today I stayed where I was. He could come to me.
He sauntered over, nervously running his hand through his hair. He was in a white t-shirt and khaki shorts. He smiled, but his eyes looked worried.
“Sorry. I would normally never go against a girl’s wishes but I had to. I’m better in person. And everything you were saying-“
“What? Was I wrong?”
“Yes!” he said. He sat next to me on the steps. It took every cell in my body not to jump into his lap
and pretend nothing had happened, that everything was the same.
“How? I know she’s back.”
“Well, she just got back yesterday morning,” he said. “And I didn’t know that until she just showed up at my house. And it was about half an hour before I was coming to meet you.”
“She just showed up at your door?” I asked.
“Yeah. And I was taken aback. I didn’t think she was even coming back until next week and I figured I would be in Richmond and then Las Vegas and I wouldn’t have to deal with her for a while. So she surprised me, and after talking to her I realized I had completely let you down. And I’m so sorry, Addie. I feel like such an asshole.”
I shrugged, “Its fine. Rachel Lawson is the Rut’s version of Helen of Troy. Men forget other women around her. They forget all kinds of things. I’m really okay.”
“You are?” he asked, unbelieving. “You know, you don’t have to act like that. Not with me. You can tell me how angry you are. You should be angry. Any guy would be insane to make the mistake I made.”
Dammit.
“Don’t say that,” I said. “It’s not true and I don’t want to hear it.”
“Don’t say what? The truth? That you’re beautiful, and funny, and amazing? Last time I heard those were good qualities.”
Tears stung my eyes, “But it didn’t matter once she was there.”
“Addie,” he took my hands. I let him. “This is not some line. And I’m not with her. I don’t plan to be and I don’t want to be.”
I looked at him, at his sincere eyes, at his pleading expression.
“What happened?” I asked.
He sighed, wrapping his arm around me, pulling me to him.
“She showed up,” he said. “And my dad answered. Well, my dad loves the shit out of Rachel. Not because of who she is, just who she represents to him. He sees his good-old-days when she’s around. So, of course he let her inside and called for me. I had just gotten out of the shower after mowing a record four lawns in one afternoon. I thought maybe Jackson or one of the guys had stopped by, but no. It was Rachel, all smug, sitting on the couch, borderline flirting with Dad, like she always does. Mom stood in the kitchen kind of looking at me with this sympathetic expression. I mean, this girl dumped her son. She’s not her biggest fan, never has been. So anyway, Dad said, ‘I’ll leave you two alone’ and led my mom back to their room. And there I was, completely ambushed.”
He paused for a moment to kiss my head.
“Anyway,” he continued. “She immediately wanted to know what I’ve been up to, that she’d heard things, whatever. We got in an argument about why we broke up. Literally, the dumbest argument I’ve ever been in with a human being. Rachel has this way of making anything that’s her fault somehow someone else’s. It used to work on me all the time. But in that moment I looked at her and I just… I couldn’t buy the bullshit. I saw right through her. And it made her very unattractive to me. Like, suddenly, I couldn’t understand what the big deal was with Rachel Lawson. And if you had told me a month ago that I wouldn’t do anything I could to get back together with her, I wouldn’t have believed you.
“But I looked at her in her short skirt, and her push up bra, and her done up hair, and her face and I just didn’t feel like I even liked her anymore. As a person. Much less as someone I would want to be my girlfriend. She looked so phony. And I also knew she didn’t want to be with me again because she missed me or loved me. Rachel Lawson wanted to know she could win, over any girl. It was a game, as always. So I asked her to just go. Told her I wasn’t interested in being with her anymore. I was as polite as I could be. But she had a meltdown. So, yeah. After all of that I suddenly realized what I had done. And I thought about calling you, but it was late and I was just sick thinking about how you must feel. I would be devastated. Not because I’m so great or anything. But if you feel anything about how I feel about you, there would be nothing that would devastate you more than not seeing me. Because Addie, I can’t stop thinking about you. And I’ve thought about you all night and all day and there isn’t a single thing I won’t do to make this up to you. But before any of that I had to tell you, eye to eye, that I would never choose anyone over you. Not Rachel Lawson, not Cindy Crawford, not anyone.”
The intensity of his words hit my heart and suddenly we were kissing, hard. The kind that sailors give to their wives the second they’re off the boat from a six month deployment. My heart thumped against his. He was slick with sweat. From the humidity and from nerves.
“Ryan.” I said against his mouth. Nothing else.
He stayed until almost midnight. Mom found us on the porch (fortunately, just talking) and I could see in her eyes that she wasn’t thrilled he was there. But she didn’t know.
“It’s okay, Mom.” I smiled, “All is fine.”
“Don’t stay up too late,” she said and the screen door shut behind her.
Ryan looked at me, “Well, she hates me.”
“No, she just doesn’t know what happened,” I said. I was in his lap now, my arms around his broad shoulders.
“I’m so sorry,” he said into my hair. “You smell good.”
“I don’t know how. I seriously need to shower.”
“Nope. You smell good. You look great.”
I rolled my eyes, “I’m in my pajamas for the most part.”
“Even better. I like thinking about what you sleep in.” He wiggled his eyebrows at me and I hit him playfully on the arm.
“You’re such a weirdo,” I said.
“No, but really, I love how you don’t need any sort of make up to look beautiful. Girls might find this hard to believe, but guys don’t love makeup. At least I don’t.”
“Oh,” I said, sarcastically, “Well, as long as we girls are pleasing guys, that’s all that matters.”
He laughed, “That’s not what I meant.”
“I know, I’m just teasing you,” I said. “But I actually do think most guys think a girl’s only job is to please them aesthetically.”
“I actually can’t argue with that,” Ryan agreed. “But you have to understand how visual we are. My mom always says ‘Men fall in love through their eyes, women through their ears.’ “
Hearing him say love made the hair on my arms stand up.
That night I slept with my window open. I was restless from the ups and downs of the day. Part of me was disappointed I didn’t stick to the original plan of being done with Ryan. Not because of him, but because I felt guilty not focusing all of my heart on Grandma. The way Mom had looked on the porch earlier scared me.
But at the same time, this was even more of a reason to have Ryan in my life. He would temper the grief and the pain of watching someone so important to me fade away. I hated to think of it like that, but I needed to keep myself honest. Grandma was sick and she would not get better. Even if that devastated me, it didn’t make it less true. If only.
The next morning, I slept in late. McKenna and Rhiannon woke me up, both bouncing on the end of my bed.
“Wake up, sleepy head!” McKenna called to me. “We’re going to the pool!”
I rolled over, “Ugh. I’m so tired. I barely slept last night.”
“Don’t let Ryan Kidson ruin your sleep!” Rhiannon said.
“He didn’t,” I half lied. “He came over last night though.”
Both girls stopped bouncing and looked at one another.
“And?” they both asked.
“And he didn’t get back with Rachel. She wanted to, but he said no. He says he wants to be with me.”
They both stared at me, slack-jawed.
“Seriously?” McKenna said. “He said that?”
“Yeah. He said she had a meltdown about it but it’s done. For good.” I gave them a groggy smile.
I expected them to be happy for me. Rhiannon seemed to be, but McKenna just shook her head.
“You took him back that easy?” she said. “I mean, come on. Who forgets they’re supposed to meet someone? Es
pecially if they claim to care about them.”
I sat up, my fatigue gone, “McKenna, people make mistakes. He’s genuinely sorry. I mean, you said yourself that it wasn’t like him.”
McKenna stood up and looked out the window, “I know I did. And it’s true, I was surprised by him ditching you. But you have to understand, Rachel isn’t going to let this go. I’m glad Ryan is starting to see her as she is, but that doesn’t mean she won’t make your life hell because of it. I just don’t think he’s worth it.”
I rolled my eyes, “What could she ever do to me? I’ve never even met her. She could walk in this room right now and I would have no idea who she is. And I, unlike you, never have, nor ever plan to, care what she thinks of me. There’s nothing she can do to me. I might as well be untouchable.”
Rhiannon and McKenna exchanged looks.
“Fair enough,” sighed McKenna. “But for the record, I don’t care what she thinks about me anymore.”
“I know,” I said. “And you shouldn’t. So if you don’t care, it takes away her power. Her turbo bitch powers are fueled by people caring what she says or thinks. If we choose not to give a damn, she loses momentum. And influence. We are a threesome now. A triumvirate. She messes with one of us, she messes with all of us.”
“It’s a good rule to live by,” added Rhiannon. “Whoever cares the least has the most power.”
I nodded, “A much more succinct way of putting it. Thanks, Rhiannon.”
“I’m good for a drop of wisdom every now and again.”
McKenna couldn’t help but smile, “Addie, I really could have used you in my corner a year and a half ago. Anyway, enough about Ryan and Rachel and whatever. I just talked to your mom downstairs and she said she thinks it would be a great idea if you went to Myrtle Beach!” McKenna clapped her hands, jumping up and down.
“I’m pretty damn jealous,” confessed Rhiannon. “I so wish I could go.”
I looked at McKenna, “You asked my mom for me?”