Chapter 6
"This is a nice place. Live here alone?"
"No." Jay shut the door behind Stephen and absently turned the lock. "I have a roommate. My friend, Amy."
"Is she in grad school, too?"
"She's studying to get her teacher's credential right now. And... I don't think she's here."
Stephen waggled his eyebrows. "So we have the place to ourselves?"
"Yes. Would you like the tour?"
"Please."
"Well, as you can see, this is the living room where we watch television and take our meals."
He nodded at the table in the center of what the apartment brochure generously called the dining room. "What do you use that for then?"
"Nothing really. It's just sort of taking up space. Now, if you'll follow me, we have the kitchen next."
"Wow, it's not bad for an apartment this size." Stephen half stepped inside and eyed Amy's set of expensive Calphalon pans, which she had rather inexplicably received from her mother the previous Christmas. As far as Jay knew, Amy didn't eat anything that couldn't be microwaved. If she knew how to cook, she'd kept that fact hidden for the past three years. "I'm too scared to use the kitchen at my place. That stove is at least twenty years older than I am. Plus, I don't have any good pans."
"I never cook. I'm not very good at it. I basically know how to make macaroni and cheese," Jay admitted.
"My mom taught me how to cook."
"You any good at it?"
"Pretty good. I could make you dinner tomorrow night, if you'd like."
"I don't really have anything to make."
Stephen smiled. "I'll bring the food. You provide the pans. Deal?"
"Deal."
"Good. You are in for a treat. What's left on the tour?"
"The first door on the left here is Amy's room. This here is the bathroom. And this"--Jay flipped on the bedroom light--"is my room. As you can see, it's pretty much just your standard issue room."
At least it was mostly clean, and the bed was made with fresh sheets. Amy had washed all the linen the night before, probably out of guilt. Or maybe she was tired of not having any clean towels. His books made up the bulk of the clutter. There were piles everywhere--to the unknowing eye, it all looked very random, but Jay had a system worked out after years and years of having more books than time. There were stacks dedicated to books he needed to read for school, books that just looked interesting, books that people suggested, books he should read but never found the time for. The piles were all in a specific order, which was too elaborate and arcane to even begin to describe.
"Your bed is huge."
"No, it's normal, it just looks big because the room is so small."
"I'm going to need a closer look."
"You... " Jay swallowed. "You really want a closer look?"
Stephen nodded. "I do. Not that my living room, my office, and the movie theater wasn't great. But I'm at the point in my life where I like to take my time on a nice, comfortable bed."
But he'll see. That was all Jay could think about. It overwhelmed every other thought and feeling, even the flood of arousal at the possibility of getting Stephen naked and stretched out, beautiful and spread before him like a banquet. But to do that, he'd have to keep the light on. And if he kept the light on, then Stephen would see him, or at least think it quite strange that Jay refused to remove his clothes.
"Jay?"
"I... I don't know... "
"Hey, it's okay if you don't want to. I didn't mean to be so pushy. I just thought... well... Never mind. I am being pushy."
"No, it's not that," Jay said quickly. "It's just... I don't have very much, well, experience. And I... I mean, I really like you." Which not only sounded lame, it completely failed to convey anything Jay meant. Not surprising since Jay wasn't even sure what he meant. At least he hadn't accidentally blurted that he loved Stephen. And was beginning to feel like he'd loved Stephen his whole life.
"I like you, too, Jay. And if you want me to go, I'll call it a night. It's getting late, anyway."
"I don't want you to go." The whole problem summed up in six simple words. He didn't want Stephen to go and he would bend over backward to keep Stephen there and happy. He didn't expect anything in return, didn't want Stephen to do anything he didn't want to do, but now he had absolutely no idea of what Stephen did and didn't want.
Stephen stretched out on the bed, patting the mattress beside him before pillowing his head in his hands. At first, Jay was too confused to move, but Stephen simply watched him, waiting patiently while Jay worked out his options. Finally, he joined him, mimicking Stephen's pose with his arms behind his head, his eyes studying the smooth ceiling. Silence crawled over them like spiders, and Jay forced himself to remain still even though he felt more uncomfortable by the second.
"Jay, you need to relax."
"I am relaxed."
"No, I can feel you. You're ready to spring off this bed if I so much as brush your arm. Do I stress you out?"
"No. I don't know. This is hard for me, Stephen. I don't know what any of this means, or what I should do, or what you want. I'm not even sure what's happening, and I don't want to fuck everything up just because I'm being stupid." Jay hadn't meant to say all of that--or any of it, really.
"It's not a test, Jay. You don't have to have all the answers. Or any of the answers, for that matter. I'm not... judging you. I just want to spend time with you."
"I know. But... it is a little stressful. Because I like spending time with you, too. But I don't really know why you want to spend time with me, so I don't know... how I should be."
"How you should be? You should just be you, since you're the one I want to spend time with."
"But... why?"
"Because I like you."
"That doesn't answer my question, Stephen. I mean, what is there to like?"
Stephen took a deep breath, and Jay realized the tactical error he'd just committed. Why not just tell Stephen he was basically a mental basket case and send him running now? It would be a more direct route and probably save Stephen from wasting too much time.
"There's your smile, which I don't get to see as much as I want, but it lights up the whole room. There's the fact that you have more volunteer hours than anybody else at the Center, and I'm pretty sure that you're the only one who does it because it's the right thing to do, not because you're trying to impress somebody or flesh out your CV. Do you remember what you did my first week at work?"
He stared at Stephen. That was all. Every day, every chance he got, he stared at Stephen because he'd never seen anybody so beautiful. "No."
"I was overwhelmed and exhausted, and by the end of the week, I was convinced there'd been a mistake. Maybe they didn't mean to hire me. Maybe I shouldn't have accepted the offer. I was trying to figure out how to return to Phoenix and save face because I knew I was never going to make it here. And you stayed with me on Friday night after everybody else disappeared to help me clean up and get everything done. You were the only one, Jay."
"It wasn't anything special, Stephen. You needed help."
"It was special to me. I don't know what I would have done without you. That could have been the worst night of my life, and you were there, making me laugh, seeing to all the little things that I didn't even know were my responsibility. And the next Monday, I spent the whole morning waiting for you." Stephen rolled onto his side and propped his head on his hand. "I wanted to ask you out then."
"You did?"
"Yeah, of course. But... I couldn't really tell if you were interested. Then when you started showing up at the gym, I thought maybe, well it's silly, but I thought you might be there to see me."
"I... I was. You were right about that," Jay admitted, half-wincing as he did so.
Stephen's smile was quick and broad. "I'm glad to hear that. I couldn't tell if I was just forcing my attention on you or not."
"When?"
"Now. Every day. Sometimes when we're talking,
I feel like we have a real connection. And other times, you're just really... distant."
"I don't mean to be. But sometimes I get scared."
Stephen reached out and touched the side of Jay's neck. It was the same spot he'd kissed earlier, and the same hot thrill went through Jay at the contact. He took a deep breath and leaned into Stephen's fingers, aching for the contact like he'd been waiting for it all day.
"Scared of what?"
"I don't know."
"Scared that I won't want to do this anymore?" Stephen dipped his head and tenderly kissed the corner of Jay's mouth.
"Yes. Imagine if you basically failed every math class you ever took. Then one day, for some reason, you find yourself in calculus, and instead of failing the first test spectacularly, you get an A. Then you get another A, and another. If you don't know how or why it's happening, wouldn't you be afraid of fucking it up and failing another math class?"
"Yeah, I suppose I would be. But what you're describing... it's not just you, Jay. Everybody gets scared when it comes to this sort of thing. If somebody claims they've never been afraid of their feelings, they're lying."
"But it's not the same. I get what you're saying about being afraid of your feelings, but that's not what really scares me. Because if I do fuck this up I... I'm not going to get another shot, am I? It's different for you."
"I know why you think that way, Jay, but it's not true."
"I don't even know how you can say that with a straight face," Jay said with more than a trace of bitterness. "You told me that you started working out so you could get laid more often. You know you could snap your fingers and have anybody else you wanted."
"Okay, look, being closer to everybody's ideal does get me laid. But let's clear a few things up here. First, I don't want anybody else. If I wanted somebody else, I wouldn't be here having this conversation with you. Second, I don't know exactly what you see when you look in the mirror, but at this point, I'm sure it's not the same thing I see when I look at you. Finally, this isn't a math class and I think you would have to do something pretty egregious to fuck things up now."
"How egregious?"
"Really egregious. Like getting a job at Halliburton or making me sit through High School Musical again."
"Again? You've seen it once?"
"Yes. I had a date with a guy who really wanted me to watch his favorite movie of all time."
"Oh, my God. Are you serious?"
"As a heart attack. He knew all the lines, sang along with all the songs, and wanted me to get excited over the good parts."
"He does know it's a musical. About high school students."
"Yeah, he seemed to understand the plot. It was the most painful night of my life."
"Did you at least get lucky?"
"Are you kidding? I walked out before the final number. I couldn't stick around after that, I don't care how hot the guy is."
"How hot was he?"
Stephen sighed dramatically. "Supernova hot. But I made it a rule a long time ago not to fuck anybody I didn't want to have coffee with."
"Given what I know of my peers, that's an unbelievably high standard."
"What can I say? I'm old-fashioned." He ran his hand up Jay's chest and over his shoulder, then back along the same path. "Do you want to have coffee with me in the morning?"
"Yes, I do."
Stephen smiled his crooked smile. "Good."
Jay knew Stephen would kiss him, and at this point, he was pretty familiar with the shape of his mouth, the feel of his lips and tongue, the taste of him, the heat. Not used to it, not by any means, but familiar. But this kiss was wholly new, and instead of shocking Jay into paralysis, every part of him responded. His heart surged and his groin pulled tight. He wrapped his arm around Stephen, intent on pulling him closer, but somehow he ended up with Stephen on top of him, the hard length of his cock pressed into Jay's stomach.
Jay buried one hand in Stephen's hair and clasped his ass with the other. His muscles flexed beneath Jay's palm every time he moved his hips, grinding himself against Jay in slow, maddening circles. Even if Jay wasn't inclined to believe everything Stephen said, he had to believe Stephen's body. It responded so quickly to every touch, as though Jay's fingers carried an electric charge. Stephen couldn't fake that sort of reaction, nor the undeniable evidence poking at Jay's abdomen.
Stephen broke from the kiss, gasping for breath as he tugged his shirt overhead. Jay helped as best as he could, fumbling and clumsy in his excitement to touch Stephen's bare skin. His knuckle brushed over Stephen's nipple, and the flesh hardened almost instantly. Stephen's shoulders sloped back as he pushed into Jay's touch, and the flush on his face spread down his throat. Jay wiped his thumb back and forth over the peak until Stephen was jerking his hips with each brush. He didn't have a plan, wasn't thinking at all about what he was doing. His thumb and forefinger closed around the skin and Stephen nearly yelped.
"Oh, shit, do that again."
Jay circled the other nipple with his thumb, over and over and over until Stephen's shoulders relaxed again. Then he pinched the swollen flesh on the left side. Stephen grunted, his whole frame shaking. Jay was so caught up in watching the pleasure on his face that he missed Stephen unzipping his pants until a low sigh of relief brought his attention downward. Stephen's cock jutted from his pants, stiff and proud. He stroked himself absentmindedly, and Jay was quite certain it was the sexiest thing he'd ever seen. The tan on Stephen's hand was several shades darker than his cock, and every time he slid his wrist back to expose his flushed crown, Jay just wanted to kiss it.
Stephen reached for Jay's shirt with his free hand, tugging on the hem. Jay felt a mild tingle of discomfort at the first few inches, but by the time Stephen had exposed his entire stomach, Jay grasped his hand, forcing him to stop.
"Jay?"
"I... I'm sorry. It was silly. Habit. That's all. You can keep going."
"Will you feel better if I turn off the lights?"
Jay swallowed and nodded. "Yeah... I think so. Sorry."
Stephen shook his head. "Don't apologize. I did tell you not to let me get too pushy. I don't want to do anything you're not ready for."
He stood at that and pushed his pants down his hips, allowing Jay a full, unhindered view of his body. He had just enough time to brand the image to his memory before Stephen flicked off the light, plunging the room into darkness only broken by the soft glow of the digital clock.
"I hope I can make it back to the bed without hitting one of your book towers."
"You should be fine if you walk straight ahead."
"Okay, I'll take your word on that. I'm going to walk very slowly, though, so you have time to get rid of those clothes."
Jay's stomach clenched, but he still removed his shirt, toed off his shoes, and pushed his pants down to the foot of the bed.
"Ready?" Stephen asked.
"Yes."
Stephen's weight immediately settled over him, his knees straddling Jay's thighs. Their chests slid together, inundating Jay with too many sensations to process quickly. There was the smoothness of his skin, which Jay had anticipated, but also the soft sprinkling of hair, the sharp ridge of Stephen's muscles, the heat--God, the heat. Stephen felt like he was burning from the inside out, and those flames only seemed to spread when their mouths met.
"See?" Stephen said against his mouth. "This is much nicer."
It was. Infinitely better. Than anything. It was the best thing that a human being could ever hope to experience. There were how many millions of nerve endings in the body? And the only way to stimulate them all at once, the only way to awaken them into joyful awareness, was to do this. Slide together, move with each other, hold each other close and kiss until they were both breathless. Nothing they'd done together up to this point could compare with the satisfaction of that contact, but even as Jay reflected on how perfect it was, he wanted something more. He needed something more, and his body throbbed with that need. Without thinking, he rolled St
ephen onto his back, eager to pin Stephen beneath him.
"Is this okay?" Jay asked, acutely aware of how held himself and where the bulk of his weight was distributed.
"Better than okay," Stephen said, reaching between their bodies to fist his cock. He pumped his fist, pulling Jay closer, forcing him to settle more evenly on top of him. "Can I ask you a question?"
"You can ask me anything you want."
"Have you ever thought about fucking anybody? Or letting somebody fuck you?"
"I... I guess I've thought about both. But I didn't even think I'd get to this point so I never thought about it a lot."
"Well, think about it." Stephen resumed pumping his wrist, his fingers tight and his palm slick. "Let me know what you decide."
"When?"
"Whenever you decide. However long that takes."
Jay wanted to think about it right that second, but imagining himself sinking into Stephen's tight ass while Stephen was actually jerking him off proved a dangerous combination. He had to replace the far-too-pleasant image with one of Jeni's face to cool his ardor and reinstate his self-control. "What do you want to do?"
"I don't want to influence your decision."
"How would you do that?"
"Well, if I stated a preference either way, you might find yourself more inclined to agree to what I want. I don't want to risk it."
"What if I stated a preference, and it was the opposite of what you like?"
"That's exactly the sort of thing I don't want you to worry about. Now, I think we're talking too much."
"You're the one who started talking first."
"Ah, you're right. Well, sorry about that."
Jay drove his hips forward, thrusting against Stephen's hand. They both moaned, and Jay couldn't help but do it again. But he wanted to feel more than Stephen's palm. He shifted his hips, grinding down against Stephen's erection. Stephen released Jay's shaft long enough to wrap his long fingers around both of their cocks, pressing their hot flesh together. Jay shivered, the base of his spine tingling with renewed energy. He kissed a trail away from Stephen's mouth, licking at his throat and nibbling on the flesh near his shoulder. Every inch tasted different and the same, every second stretching into a blissful eternity. Stephen made the softest sounds in the back of his throat when he was pleased. Sounds that could have almost been just Jay's imagination, but for the way Stephen's throat vibrated against Jay's lips.
Pisces: From Behind That Locked Door Page 7