by David Plotz
Appendix:
Useful (and Not So Useful) Bible Lists
THE BIBLE’S TWELVE BEST PICKUP LINES
“Oh, give me of the kisses of your mouth, for your love is more delightful than wine” (Song of Songs 1:2).
“Lie with me.”—Potiphar’s wife to her slave, Joseph (Genesis 39:7).
“Praised be the Lord, the God of Israel, who sent you this day to meet me! And blessed your prudence.”—David to his future wife, Abigail (1 Samuel 25:32–33). An evangelical friend told me, “I use that line on Christian girls all the time. And it works.”
“What is your wish? It shall be granted you. And what is your request? Even to half the kingdom, it shall be fulfilled.”—King Ahasuerus to Esther (Esther 6:6).
“There are sixty queens, and eighty concubines, and damsels without number. Only one is my dove, my perfect one” (Song of Songs, 6:8–9).
“I saw that your time for love had arrived. So I spread My robe over you.”—God to Jerusalem (Ezekiel 16:8).
“Let my beloved come to his garden and enjoy its luscious fruits” (Song of Songs, 4:16).
“Many women have done well, but you surpass them all.”—husband to wife (Proverbs 31:29).
“Here, let me sleep with you,” says Judah. “What will you pay for sleeping with me?” says Tamar, his daughter-in-law (Genesis 38:16).
“Come over here and partake of the meal, and dip your morsel in the vinegar.”—Boaz to Ruth (Ruth 2:14).
“Your breasts are like two fawns, twins of a gazelle, browsing among the lilies” (Song of Songs, 4:5).
“Where are the men who came to you tonight? Bring them out to us, that we may be intimate with them.”—townspeople of Sodom to Lot (Genesis 19:5).
GOD’S ELEVEN BEST MIRACLES (AND ONE VERY LAME ONE)
The ten plagues: Blood, frogs, hail, boils, slaying of the firstborn, etc. Really, how could God top that? (Exodus 7–12).
Jonah and the whale: Three days and nights in a big fish, then spit up on land ( Jonah 2).
The ark and the Philistines: The Philistines capture the ark of the covenant and leave it their temple overnight. When they come back in the morning, the statue of their god Dagon is lying on its face (1 Samuel 5).
Resurrection: Elijah lies down three times on the body of a dead boy and brings him back to life (1 Kings 17).
Parting of the Red Sea: Very cinematic! (Exodus 14).
The fiery furnace: King Nebuchadnezzar throws Daniel’s three friends into a blast furnace. They—along with a mysterious fourth man—walk right out, unsinged (Daniel 3).
High noon: When Joshua fights the Amorites, the sun stops in the middle of the sky and stays there for a whole day (Joshua 10:13).
The Assyrian plague: The Assyrians are about to sack Jerusalem. King Hezekiah prays for relief, and that night a plague kills 185,000 enemy soldiers (2 Kings 19:35).
World’s first IVF: Abraham and Sarah have a child when he is ninety-nine and she is ninety. Not such a miracle now, maybe, but it was miraculous back in the day (Genesis 17).
Elijah and the ravens: At God’s order, ravens feed Elijah when he is hiding out in a cave (1 Kings 17:4–6).
The Temple renovation: When Joash renovates the Temple, the project comes in under budget (2 Chronicles 24:4–15).
The Very Lame One
The miracle of wicking fabric: To convince Gideon that he will be victorious in battle, the Lord makes a wool fleece wet. Gideon isn’t persuaded and demands more proof, so the next night the Lord makes the fleece dry (Judges 6:36–40).
THIRTEEN SPECTACULAR MURDERS
Jael invites the fleeing General Sisera into her tent, gives him a glass of milk, puts him gently to sleep, then hammers a tent post through his brain ( Judges 4).
Judge Ehud tells wicked King Eglon, “I have a message for you from God.” Eglon agrees to meet with him privately, at which point Ehud stabs him so hard that “the filth came out” ( Judges 3).
Shechem and all his townsmen are circumcised so that he can marry Dinah. When they’re recovering from the surgery, Dinah’s brothers show up and slaughter them (Genesis 6).
King Ahasuerus has Haman impaled on a stake seventy-five feet tall. Then Queen Esther does the same thing to Haman’s ten sons (Esther 7–9).
After Daniel escapes the lions’ den unharmed, Daniel’s accusers—and their wives and children—are tossed into the den. “They had hardly reached the bottom of the den when the lions overpowered them and crushed their bones” (Daniel 6).
A gang surrounds a house and demands that the man inside come out to be raped. He sends out his concubine instead. “They raped her and abused her all night long till morning.” She dies that day, at which point her husband chops her body into a dozen pieces and mails them throughout Israel ( Judges 19).
Jezebel and Ahab have Naboth falsely accused of blasphemy and stoned to death, so they can steal his vineyard (1 Kings 21). But they get theirs, because in the next chapter…
Ahab is killed in battle by an arrow, and whores bathe in his blood (1 Kings 22). And a few chapters later…
Jezebel is thrown from a window by three eunuchs and trampled by horses. Then her corpse is eaten by dogs (2 Kings 9).
While he’s fleeing a battle, David’s rebellious son Absalom gets tangled in a tree by his long hair. David’s soldiers stab him to death while he’s hanging there (2 Samuel 18).
Shamgar slays 600 Philistines with an ox goad ( Judges 3:31).
One-upping Shamgar, Samson slays 1,000 Philistines with the jawbone of an ass ( Judges 15:15).
A woman in a town he is besieging drops a millstone on wicked King Abimelech’s head. Abimelech begs his servant to stab him to death “that they may not say of me, ‘A woman killed him’” ( Judges 9).
THE NINE BEST PARTIES
The Persian king Ahasuerus’s six-month party culminates in a weeklong feast, at which “the rule for drinking [is]: ‘No restrictions!’” The drunken king demands that his wife dance for the guests, but she refuses (Esther 1).
Pharoah has a birthday banquet, during which he has his chief baker impaled, just as Joseph predicted (Genesis 40:15).
King Belshazzar of Babylon holds a grand party for 1,000 nobles. When he’s falling-down drunk, he brings out the cups stolen from the Temple in Jerusalem so the guests can booze from them. Bad move. God’s hand appears on the wall and writes that Belshazzar’s days are numbered. He’s killed that very night (Daniel 5).
After Aaron and the Israelites made the golden calf, “they sat down to eat and drink, and then rose to dance.” This celebration ends badly: Moses arrives to bust up the festivities (Exodus 32).
Solomon’s party at the dedication of the Temple lasts fourteen days, during which 22,000 oxen and 120,000 sheep are sacrificed (1 Kings 9).
Another party in Esther! After killing Haman, his sons, and 75,000 of their supporters, the Jews celebrate with “a day of feasting and merrymaking” (Esther 9).
Returned from exile in Babylon, the Jews rebuild the foundation of the Temple, and rejoice with trumpets and cymbals, shouting, weeping, and singing (Ezra 3).
God orders a day of weeping and lamentation to prepare for a looming catastrophe, but the Israelites ignore him. “Instead there was rejoicing and merriment, killing of cattle and slaughtering of sheep, eating of meat and drinking of wine: ‘Eat and drink, for tomorrow we die!’” (Isaiah 22).
When David brings the ark into Jerusalem, the band plays and he dances wildly before the ark, “leaping and whirling before the Lord” (2 Samuel 6).
MY FAVORITE PROSTITUTES
Rahab protects Joshua’s scouts when they’re spying on Jericho. She’s the original hooker with a heart of gold—and she’s an ancestor of Jesus ( Joshua 2).
Tamar, the widow of Er and Onan, sleeps with her father-in-law, Judah, who pays her with his staff and seal (Genesis 38).
Two mothers each claim that a newborn is their son. Solomon finds the genuine mother by proposing to split the baby. The two moms
are hookers (1 Kings 3).
Gomer. God tells the prophet Hosea, “Take yourself a wife of whoredom.” Pretty Woman–style, he picks up Gomer and tries to make an honest woman of her (Hosea 1).
Jephthah’s mother ( Judges 11:1).
Moabite women. The Israelite men go “whoring” with them, and this really riles God (Numbers 25).
When Ahab is killed, the women who bathe in his blood are prostitutes (1 Kings 22).
During the time of bad King Rehoboam, Judah was swarming with “male temple prostitutes” (1 Kings 14:24).
Jeremiah says that Israel has “played the whore with many lovers” (Jeremiah 3:3).
According to Ezekiel, Judah is a hooker, “carr[ying] on her whoring so openly and flaunt[ing] her nakedness” (Ezekiel 16 and 23).
ELEVEN HEROES YOU DON’T WANT TO BE NAMED AFTER
Aaron: He makes the Golden Calf, then ducks responsibility. He tries to usurp the place of his brother Moses (Exodus).
Samson: A meathead. He’s not merely a homicidal maniac; he’s also a moron. Plus, he tortures small animals (Judges).
Sarah: No conscience. She happily defrauds Pharaoh and Abimelech. She vindictively, and savagely, has her servant Hagar and Hagar’s son, Ishmael, exiled into the desert (Genesis).
Dinah: Innocent, but cursed. Her rape gives rise to the most shocking crime in Genesis (Genesis).
Levi: Tricks men into circumcision so he can murder them. Later seeks to murder his younger brother Joseph (Genesis).
Jacob: A con artist. Dupes his bighearted twin, Esau, twice; tricks his father Isaac and his uncle Laban, then sits by passively while his sons double-cross and murder innocents (Genesis).
Rebekah: The ultimate stage mother. She overwhelmingly favors her younger son Jacob, abuses sweet Esau, and gleefully cons her husband Isaac (Genesis).
Saul: Israel’s first king was tall, handsome, and crazy (1 Samuel).
Isaac: A shiftless, easily fooled couch potato (Genesis).
Simeon: See Levi (Genesis).
Tamar: The Flowers in the Attic name. The first Tamar prostitutes herself to her father-in-law and gets pregnant by him. The second Tamar is raped by her own brother (Genesis; 2 Samuel).
NINE TRULY HELLACIOUS DIVINE PUNISHMENTS
Baldhead: Young boys mock the prophet Elisha, shouting, “Go away, baldhead! Go away, baldhead!” He curses the boys, at which point two bears rampage out of the woods and maul forty-two of them (2 Kings 2).
Preparation H: After the Philistines capture the ark of the covenant, they all get terrible hemorrhoids (1 Samuel 5–6).
Slaying of the firstborn: The last and worst of the ten plagues (Exodus 12).
Pillar of salt: Lot’s wife, disobeying orders, turns around to look at Sodom’s destruction and is salinated (Genesis 19).
Meat is murder: When the Israelites complain that they want meat instead of manna, a furious God sends a The Birds–like infestation of quail. As the greediest Israelites gorge themselves on the fowl, God strikes them down with a plague, killing them with the meat “still between their teeth” (Numbers 11).
Snakes on a plain: When the Israelites complain again about manna, God sends a plague of vipers (Numbers 21).
The earthquake: When Korah rebels, Moses proposes a showdown at which God will judge which of them is the true prophet. “The ground under [Korah and his supporters] split apart and the earth opened its mouth and swallowed them, with their households and all Korah’s men and all their possessions. They went down alive into the grave, with everything they owned; the earth closed over them” (Numbers 16).
Playing with fire: When Aaron’s sons Nadab and Abihu present the wrong incense at the altar, God incinerates them (Leviticus 10).
Leprosy: Miriam criticizes Moses for marrying an African woman, so God eats away her skin with “snow white scales” (Numbers 12).
THE EIGHT TRIPPIEST AND MOST IMPORTANT DREAMS
Ezekiel dreams of beasts with four faces—human, ox, eagle, and lion. They have wings, spinning wheels for legs, and a sapphire throne over their heads (Ezekiel 1).
Joseph dreams that his brothers are sheaves of grain and stars bowing down to him (Genesis 37).
Daniel dreams of a beast with ten horns, including one horn with eyes and a mouth that speaks (Daniel 7).
Jacob dreams of a ladder up to heaven, with angels scurrying up and down it (Genesis 28).
Pharaoh dreams of seven gaunt cows eating seven fat ones, and seven parched ears of corn eating seven healthy ones (Genesis 41).
Zechariah has visions of a giant flying scroll and a woman in a lead-sheathed tub (Zechariah 5).
Nebuchadnezzar dreams of a huge statue that is crushed into dust (Daniel 2).
One of Gideon’s soldiers dreams of a loaf of bread toppling the enemy’s tents—a signal that Israel will be victorious in battle ( Judges 7).
NINE WEIRD LAWS
I could reprint all of Leviticus and Deuteronomy here, but let me just give you a few favorites instead.
The no-polyblend rule: “You shall not put on cloth from a mixture of two kinds of material” (Leviticus 19).
The test for an adulteress: She must drink a cup of bitter water. If she’s innocent, it won’t harm her. If she is guilty, her abdomen will swell and her thigh will “sag” (Numbers 5).
The unsandaled one: If a man refuses to marry his brother’s widow, she should pull off his sandal and “spit in his face.” His house shall be known as “the family of the unsandaled one” (Deuteronomy 26).
A ball in the hand: If a woman grabs a man’s testicles during a fight, her hand is to be cut off (Deuteronomy 26). You can see why they have this law, because…
…No one with damaged testicles can be admitted to the congregation (Deuteronomy 2).
If a priest diagnoses someone with leprosy, the leper’s clothes shall be rent, “he shall cover over his upper lip, and he shall call out, ‘Impure! Impure!’” (Leviticus 13).
If you find the body of a murder victim in the countryside and the killer is unknown, the elders of nearby towns measure the distance from the corpse to their village. The elders of the closest town then have to find a heifer—not just any heifer, but one that has never worked—break its neck, and wash their hands over the dead cow while declaring, “Our hands did not shed this blood” (Deuteronomy 21).
A soldier who has a nocturnal emission is unclean, and must leave the army until he can repurify himself (Deuteronomy 23).
If husband says his new wife is not a virgin, her parents must display the “evidence” at the gate of the city. If she’s a virgin, he is to be fined and punished. If she’s not, she’s stoned to death (Deuteronomy 22).
THE SIX MOST IMPORTANT BUSINESS DEALS
The Cave of the Patriarchs: When Sarah dies in Hebron, Abraham pays 400 shekels to a Hittite to buy a grave site for her. This land became the “Cave of the Patriarchs” and Arabs and Jews are still fighting over it (Genesis 23).
The first case of eminent domain: King Ahab and Queen Jezebel covet Naboth’s vineyard. (They want to plant a vegetable garden there.) They have him framed for blasphemy and stoned to death, and then seize his land (1 Kings 21).
Property rights for women: After their father dies, Noa and her four sisters petition Moses to be allowed to inherit his land. God and Moses decide that women without brothers can own land when their father dies (Numbers 27). This episode has been referred to as the world’s first lawsuit.
Maoist economics: During the Egyptian famine, Joseph distributes grain to starving peasants, and seizes their land in return. He turns freeholders into sharecroppers, and transforms Egypt into a totalitarian command economy (Genesis 47).
She’s my sister: Abraham and Sarah, by pretending that she is his unmarried sister, con first Pharaoh and later King Abimelech out of livestock and silver. So the first business deals in the Bible are swindles (Genesis 12 and 20).
Land for peace, take one: King Hiram of Tyre (Lebanon) supplies Solomon with gold and cedar wood for
the Temple. In exchange, Solomon gives Hiram twenty Galilean towns. It’s Israel’s first land-for-peace deal, and it’s a fiasco. Hiram thinks the towns are awful (1 Kings 9).
SIX ABUSES OF ANIMAL RIGHTS
Samson ties torches to the tails of 300 foxes and sets them loose in Philistine fields and orchards ( Judges 15).
The first thing Noah does after he makes landfall is build an altar and sacrifice animals (Genesis 8:20).
The prophet Balaam beats his donkey when it refuses to move. An angel is blocking its way, but Balaam can’t see the angel. Eventually the donkey complains and the angel appears to Balaam (Numbers 22).
David cuts the hamstrings of hundreds of the enemy’s chariot horses (1 Chronicles 18).
At the party for the dedication of the Temple, Solomon sacrifices 22,000 oxen and 120,000 sheep (1 Kings 8).
The high priest Aaron puts his hand on the head of a goat, confesses all of Israel’s sins to it, and exiles it to wilderness—as the “scapegoat” (Leviticus 16:2).
THE TEN MOST IMPORTANT MEALS
Eve’s apple: It probably wasn’t an apple, because apples don’t grow where we think the Garden of Eden would have been. It might have been a pomegranate (Genesis 2).
Manna: “A fine flaky substance,” which tasted like either olive oil or honey. Probably yummy for a couple of days, but the Israelites ate nothing else for forty years (Exodus 16).