by Diana Palmer
“Terribly,” she moaned. She turned to him. “I’m so sorry...” She looked as if she could barely keep her eyes open.
He smiled complacently. “It’s the baby, honey,” he said softly, and bent to kiss her. “He’s growing. The nausea is better, though, isn’t it, with the pills?”
She nodded. “Much better. I think the prenatal vitamins will help with the fatigue, too, but it’s early days yet.”
“Don’t rush it. I want to enjoy every single minute of this,” he said, his voice deep and husky with feeling. “I never dreamed I could make you pregnant,” he whispered at her mouth. “I wanted to, so badly!”
“You thought you were sterile.”
He lifted his head and nodded. His expression was solemn. “Elise apologized for that. She was on the pill and never told me.” He rocked her gently in his arms. “She apologized for marrying me, too. She was trying to get over the death of her significant other. Drugs, pills, booze—you name it, she did it. I didn’t realize that, either. It was why she was so cold to me when I got sick and ended up at your house, with you nursing me.”
She hated the mention of the other woman’s name. Her face closed up. “You loved her once,” she said. She looked up at him worriedly. “If you hadn’t known I was pregnant, you might have gone back to her... Why are you laughing?”
He kissed her hungrily. “Because going back to Elise was never an option.”
“It wasn’t?”
He lifted his head, and his eyes were soft and quiet. “Honey, there’s something you don’t know about Elise.”
“What don’t I know?”
He brushed back her long, pale blond hair. “She’s a lesbian.”
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
NIKI STARED UP at him with her heart in her eyes. “Oh, Blair, I’m so sorry,” she said, not knowing what else to say.
He caught her hand and brought the palm to his mouth. “It’s all right. I haven’t had feelings for her in a long time,” he confessed. “It isn’t something she could help, you know. People are what they are.”
She nodded. “She must have been in terrible pain when she married you.”
“She was. She’d been badly treated by her father, when he found out that she didn’t like men in that way. I think she struggled with her identity all her life.” He kissed her nose. “You know, that first night, when I held you in the easy chair in your living room, after your blind date tried to hurt you—I was sorry that I was engaged, despite what I thought I felt for Elise.”
“Really?” she asked, all eyes.
He nodded. He traced her soft mouth with just his forefinger. “You made me hungry, and not just physically. When I was sick, and you went against your doctor’s orders to nurse me, and Elise wouldn’t even come back to the States to see about me, I realized what a mistake I’d made. I divorced her soon after that.”
“I remember.” She smiled sadly. “You got drunk on my graduation day, and Dad and I brought you home with us.”
He sighed. “I’d just found out that Elise was a lesbian. And I was debating my conscience at the time, as well,” he said, not wanting to admit that his hunger for Niki had helped provoke the drinking.
“Why?”
He studied her. “That can wait a little longer.” He scooped her up and carried her to the bed. He put her down and pulled the cover and sheet back. “You need sleep,” he said softly. “I’ll have room service bring up supper when you wake up.”
“Where are you going to be?” she asked as he rummaged through her suitcase for a gown. He brought out the beautiful white lacy one that they’d bought together.
“Walking on the beach,” he replied with a smile. “I don’t have the luxury of free time very often.” He pulled off her shoes and slacks and blouse and then her bra. He stared at her pretty, pert breasts with delight. He smiled. “You’re darker, here,” he whispered, bending to put his mouth tenderly against the suddenly hard tips. “They’re more sensitive, aren’t they?” he added when she gasped.
“Yes,” she agreed.
He slid the gown over her head and pulled it down before he put her under the covers and smoothed her long blond hair out on the pillow. “My sweet angel,” he said quietly. “You are so beautiful, Niki.”
“I’m not beautiful,” she scoffed, flushing.
He chuckled. “It’s in the eyes of the beholder, precious,” he reminded her. “Do you need anything before I go?”
She shook her head. “I’m sorry I’m so tired.”
“We’ll make up for it later,” he teased. “Okay?”
She smiled sleepily. “Okay.”
“Sleep well.”
He turned the lights out and went out the patio door onto the beach, where the waves were washing up on the shore. He felt like the luckiest man on earth.
* * *
WHEN NIKI WOKE up hours later, Blair was lying beside her on the bed, wearing tan Bermuda shorts and a yellow knit shirt. He looked very handsome, with his black hair thick and clean and wavy, and his broad face freshly shaven. He smelled of soap and light cologne, and Niki thought he had to be the most gorgeous man in the whole world. His chest was broad, and curling black hair peered out of the opening at his throat. She remembered how it felt against her bare breasts and blushed in spite of herself. Her eyes lowered to his legs like tree trunks, muscular and faintly feathered with hair.
He was chuckling softly at her intense scrutiny.
“I can’t help staring at you,” she confessed. “I think you’re gorgeous, Blair.”
“I think you are, too,” he replied. One lean hand brushed back her own hair. His eyes were soft and tender on her wan face. “Feel rocky?”
“Just a bit,” she said. “The fatigue is the worst.”
“It will get better,” he said. “I read this book,” he added. “All about the early stages of pregnancy. Those vitamins, in time, will make you think you can lift the front end of a semi.” He chuckled. “And the morning sickness will go away soon, too.” He leaned closer. “As long as you don’t try to eat eggs,” he teased.
She rolled over toward him and curled up in his arms. “I’m glad that you aren’t angry about the baby,” she said. “I was scared to death that I might not ever have a baby. I sort of pushed you off balance...”
He was laughing. “I was already off balance. I wanted you to the point of madness two years ago. It hasn’t gotten better in all the time between, either.”
She turned her head on the pillow so that she could look into his eyes. “Really?”
He traced her mouth with his forefinger. “Really. I got more out of kissing you than I ever got out of sex with anyone else.”
“Wow. Really?”
He laughed. That was what she’d whispered after their first intimacy. “You make me feel ten feet tall.”
She moved closer, tracing her fingers along his jawline. “And you make me feel beautiful.”
“You are beautiful, Niki,” he replied, drawing her close. “Inside and out. And you can’t possibly imagine how much I want this baby. I want it almost as much as I want you,” he said.
She smoothed back his hair at his temple. “I thought you loved Elise, that I would never be able to make you forget her. And then there was Janet,” she added sadly.
“Janet.” He kissed her forehead. “I took her out trying to forget how it had been with you on the beach,” he confessed. “I was so hungry for you that I could hardly bear it. Janet was a diversion, honey. Only that. I could have married her years ago if I’d wanted to. It
was always only friendship on my part. Nothing more.”
“We were friends,” she pointed out.
He nibbled her lower lip. “I was trying to protect you from me.”
She laughed softly, because he was smiling. “Why?”
“Because we’re so far apart in age,” he said. His face grew solemn. “But then we thought you had cancer, and I realized that nothing guarantees us another day of life, that I could outlive you. It was a staggering reality.” He winced. “You don’t know how I felt, when you told me about the spot on your lung. That’s why I got drunk and took you to bed, Niki. You didn’t have to push me over the edge. The trick would have been keeping me out of your bed. I was desperate for you.”
She smiled lazily. “I noticed.”
He sighed as he kissed her nose. “Life is unpredictable. We have to live it one day at a time and not worry away the future. I’ll take care of you,” he added tenderly. “All my life, Niki. As long as I live. I’ll cherish you.”
She moved closer. “And I’ll take care of you.” She brushed her mouth against his and smiled at the instant response.
He drew her closer. “Do you think...” Niki suddenly sat up in bed and held her hand to her mouth. He let her go and followed her mad run into the bathroom, reaching for a washcloth even as she rushed to the toilet.
“Oh...damn!” she groaned as she lost what little food was in her stomach.
He bathed her forehead with cool water and smiled. “We’ll get through it together, honey,” he said from beside her. “It will get better. I promise.”
* * *
LATER ON BLAIR ordered food from room service for them. Niki was able to keep a little soup down. Blair fed it to her spoonful by spoonful, watching her as if she was the most fascinating thing he’d ever seen.
“Is my nose on backward?” she teased.
He chuckled. “I’ve never been around a pregnant woman,” he explained. “Every minute of it fascinates me.”
She was pale and lethargic, without makeup, still wearing the nightgown he’d put her in. He didn’t seem to mind a bit. She loved the expression on his face.
“It fascinates me, too,” she replied. “I’ve always wanted children. But after I got to know you, the only ones I wanted were yours. I used to dream about it.” She stopped eating. “What if this is just a dream, Blair? I’d rather die than wake up!”
“So would I,” he said gruffly.
“You could pinch me, just in case,” she said.
He bent and kissed the tip of her nose. “I do not torture pregnant women,” he informed her haughtily.
She smiled from ear to ear and accepted the last spoonful of soup.
That night she slept close and warm in his arms, curled into him like a treasure, safe and cherished. He might not truly love her, she thought, but he cared for her a great deal. It made her happy that he wanted the baby. But it was worrying that she was too sick to offer him the physical part of marriage. She hoped the nausea would pass soon, that she’d feel the way she did that one unforgettable night in his arms.
* * *
THE NEXT MORNING Blair tried to finish breakfast in between constant business calls. She knew that it followed him everywhere. He spent much of his time delegating chores, answering questions, positioning management personnel. He saw Niki watching him with a tiny, loving smile and forgot what he was saying. The caller had to prompt him to answer the question. He did, then ended the call. He turned his phone off and tossed it onto a table near the patio window.
“I hate the damned cell phone,” he muttered. “You can’t make people leave you alone as long as it’s turned on.”
She moved close to him and pressed herself into his arms. “You’re a high-powered businessman. You have a lot of people who depend on you to keep the corporation running,” she said simply.
His broad chest rose and fell. “I guess so.” He kissed the top of her head. “You’re very tolerant. You should be yelling at me for letting business interfere with our honeymoon.”
“Okay. Consider yourself yelled at,” she laughed softly.
His arms contracted. “Life is so uncomplicated when I’m with you,” he said, trying to put a feeling into words. “Easy. I live in a state of constant turmoil at work. People are short-tempered. Executives complain. Subordinates argue. Then I take you for a walk on the beach, and all the stress goes away. Just being with you is... I can’t explain it.”
She smiled, pleased. “I’m not a stressful person,” she said simply. “I don’t challenge you or try to compete with you.” She pulled back and looked up at him with her heart in her eyes. “I love you,” she whispered. “I could never do anything that would cause you pain or upset you.” She winced. “Well, I did a few times, like the hiking trip, and then being so stressed about the chest X-ray,” she backtracked.
“None of that was your fault, baby,” he said softly. “You were scared to death, and your emotions ran away with you. That wasn’t like you to do anything that would cause trouble for other people.” He brushed back her hair. “My mother was like you,” he said. “Quiet and loving and gentle. She had a temper, and she could argue when she needed to. But she was wonderful company. Like you.”
She smiled. “My mother was like that, too,” she said. “Dad loved her so much. I thought I might lose him, too, after she died. He ran wild.”
He looked down at her. “I know how he felt,” he said huskily. “When I thought you had cancer, had to face the fact that I could lose you...” His face clenched. “I pushed you away because I thought you’d need someone younger, a few years down the line, that it wasn’t fair to saddle you with a husband so much older. It never occurred to me that I might survive you.” His eyes closed and opened, agony in his expression. “Nothing mattered after that. If the cancer had killed you, I wouldn’t have had a life. I wouldn’t have wanted to live.”
Her heart stopped in her throat. Her mind went back to her time in the hospital, when Blair had stayed by her side, had refused to leave her even to sleep. He’d hired specialists, taken care of her, been willing to marry her even if she was facing a death sentence. When he realized she was pregnant, he’d acted as if he’d won the lottery. He couldn’t wait to marry her. He read everything he could find about pregnancy, wanted to be part of every second of the experience. And after all that, she hadn’t realized how much he cared.
He kissed her eyelids closed. “You looked, but you didn’t see, did you, Niki?” he whispered.
She shivered in his arms, pressing closer, so that her body was completely against his. “No. I never dreamed...” She swallowed hard. “I thought, maybe, it was just desire.”
“If all I’d wanted was one night with you, it would have been easy enough to seduce you, baby,” he whispered at her ear. “I wanted much more than a night.”
“You took care of me,” she said. “You were always nurturing me, doing whatever I needed you to do, always there when I was sick.”
“I always will be. As long as I live.” He hugged her against him, hungrily. “You took care of me, too, when I got bronchitis. You risked your own health to do it. I knew then that you felt more than friendship for me.”
“I never knew,” she whispered.
He laughed softly. “When you want to take care of someone that badly, it’s a little more than friendship. Then on Christmas morning, when the little girl who wanted a doll hugged me, and I saw the light in your eyes—” he paused, swallowing hard “—I started t
hinking about babies. I’d never wanted one so much.”
Her face brightened. “I wanted one, too, Blair. But only yours. Nobody else’s.”
He bent and kissed her. “I pushed you away so brutally after Mexico.” He sighed. “I knew you were dating the health-food nut, but I thought maybe you really cared for him. He was younger, more suited to you, or so I thought.” His face hardened with the memory. “Truth is, he landed you in the hospital. I couldn’t get to you fast enough. He’s damned lucky he didn’t get more than a punch. I wanted to strangle him!”
She drew her fingers down his cheek. “You never left me, while I was in the hospital,” she recalled. “You wouldn’t even leave me to sleep. You can’t imagine how it felt, to know you cared that much. I thought you’d gone for good, that you didn’t want me.”
He drew her palm to his mouth and kissed it hungrily. “I couldn’t have left after that,” he said huskily. “I was afraid that I’d lose you. Especially when you told me about the X-ray.” He closed his eyes. “I’ve never known fear like that in my life.”
“Neither have I,” she confessed. “I just went overboard, thinking I was going to end up like Mama did.”
“I wanted one night with you, to keep in my heart, in my memory, for the rest of my life.” He stared into her eyes. “It was the most perfect night I’ve ever had.”
“For me, too, even though it was my first time.” She nuzzled her face into his throat and held on tight. “Nothing you can read prepares you for how it feels.”
“It felt like explosions inside me, like swallowing joy,” he whispered. “Never like that. Never in my whole life.”
She smiled against his throat. “I hope we can have another one, once I can stop throwing up,” she moaned.
“It will pass,” he promised. He lifted his head and smiled. “I’ve read all the books. I know what to do for you, even for backaches when you get bigger.”