by Donna Hatch
“I know his feelings for me are genuine, but he holds back as if he’s afraid to love with all of his heart. He has suffered terrible pain, and it haunts him.”
Garhren watched her without speaking for a long moment. Then, slowly, he said, “It’s for him to tell. Kai is a very private person. He only reveals what he must. What I know of him, I’ve witnessed for myself, not because he told me. You, however, he probably trusts enough to confide in, but it will be when he’s ready, and no sooner. Prying will only close him up more.”
Garhren was right. She needed to win Kai’s complete trust; only then would he reveal himself. Not knowing the enemy that stood between her and Kai’s heart left her frustrated, but only gentleness and love would melt that mysterious barrier.
Jeniah let out a long and troubled exhale. “Then I suppose I have no choice but to wait—”
“Oh, no! Not you two together.” Kai strode up to them with an enormous grin. “Let me guess. Gar is either trying to steal you away from me or he’s telling you all about all the terrible things we’ve done together.”
Garhren snapped back into the guise of the irrepressible cad. “Too late. She already told me how she feels about me.”
“That bad, huh?” came Kai’s sardonic reply. “I’m surprised you’re still smiling.”
As Garhren chuckled, Kai sat down on the other side of Jeniah and kissed her hand. “Don’t even pretend interest in what he has to say, or he’ll talk until next spring.”
“A perfect conversation all by himself?” Jeniah said with a teasing smile at Garhren.
“Right. And if you ever want to spread the word quickly, all you have to do is tell Garhren, and in an hour the whole castle will know.” He shot Garhren a sideways grin. “He hasn’t perfected the skill of being silent and mysterious.”
Garhren rolled his eyes. “You do that well enough for both of us.” He stood. “Kai, I can’t imagine why, but it seems that she’s determined to be faithful to you. I guess I’ll go see what trouble I can stir up elsewhere. There must be a woman in the castle who hasn’t yet had the pleasure of my company.” He gave them a loose salute and swaggered away.
Kai looked more relaxed than he had in days. “Did he scare you away from me by telling you all about my tainted reputation?”
“No. I already knew all about your tainted reputation,” Jeniah assured him. Then she added with a tender smile, “Nothing would ever scare me away from you, Kai.”
“Glad to hear it.” His blue gaze caressed her face as he kissed her hand again and then pressed it against his cheek. Slowly, he turned her hand over and kissed her palm, then her wrist, sending her senses swirling. Oh, how she loved this man!
Conscious of the nearby guards, she lowered her voice. “Is this all part of the ruse too?”
Instantly, his smile faded. “I agreed to play the part of your betrothed, and I will continue to do so as long as necessary.”
“That’s not what I mean and you know it.”
Without actually walking away, Kai retreated. His body stiffened, his jaw hardened, and the lines of his mouth narrowed, the familiar, carefully mastered shield coming up between them once more.
Silently, Jeniah scolded herself. She should have known that pushing him would only make him pull away even more. She’d have to be patient and give him time, just as she had vowed to do a few minutes earlier.
“I will always be here when you need me, my lady.” His strangely detached voice whittled away at her hope. “It’s a rare sunny day. Shall we go for a walk?”
Jeniah summoned a smile despite her falling spirits. “I’d love to.” She donned a cloak and took Kai’s offered arm.
In the gardens, he cast a sideways glance at her. “Are you happy here in Darbor?” His breath came out in great clouds.
“Of course. I’m warm and comfortable. I hope I never take those things for granted.”
Their footsteps crunched softly in the snow. The gardens were still, as if the whole world slept.
“I confess that all this waiting to coordinate efforts is driving me mad.” With lowered voice she added, “I feel terribly alone— never able to confide in anyone, always on my guard, careful to never reveal my identity. And I miss you. You’re completely untouchable now.”
Kai did not reply, but under her hand, his arm muscles tensed. His mask of neutrality did not shift except possibly to thicken. How might she reach through the barriers? Garhren had warned her not to push, but she could not meekly wait for him to come to her. He might not ever find his way back through all of the walls he continued to build.
Laughter and voices floated to them on the cold air as a group of knights and courtiers strolled by. Jeniah spotted Garhren, who had clearly chosen his next conquest and was skillfully winning her favor, if her giggling were any indication.
Jeniah shook her head as she watched him flirting so brazenly. “Do you think a man like Garhren will ever marry?”
“A man like Garhren?”
“He’s chasing after someone new all of the time, and from what I hear, he has compromised many of them.”
“Morality is different here than it is in Arden, you know.”
Her face warmed, unwilling to speculate as to the number of conquests Kai must have made among the ladies. “I wonder if he’ll ever have a reason to marry if ladies continue to grant him privileges that only a husband should have.”
“People marry in Darbor, Jeniah,” Kai replied quietly, his hand moving to touch the braid that hung from his neck.
She followed the movement of his hand, aching to know his secrets. After reminding herself not to push him, she asked, “Is Garhren really that much of a gossip?”
“Why do you ask?” he asked, clearly caught off guard.
“He seems so different than you that at first I found it hard to believe that someone so jovial and shallow could be your best friend. Now I believe there is more to him than is apparent at first glance.”
“He plays his role with relish, but he’s a friend I can rely upon. There’s no one I would rather have next to me in battle.”
“Is he really unable to keep a secret as you have suggested?”
Kai’s guarded expression softened. “If you expressly forbid him from revealing something, he will keep silent. I think it causes him bodily pain, but he’s capable of doing it.”
“Is there a story behind that?”
“Not really, but as a knight, he’s privy to certain information he has sworn not to divulge, and he takes his duty very seriously. Although,” Kai said with a smile, “once, I decided to test his fortitude. I purposely told him something particularly scandalous and then made him promise not to tell. The next day I asked one of the prettiest ladies in the castle to try to wring it out of him. She used every feminine charm she possessed—and she possessed a great deal—but he never breathed a word.”
Jeniah smiled up at him. “I’m glad you have him for a friend. Everyone needs someone that loyal.”
Kai nodded slowly. Jeniah’s gaze drifted over the landscape and she admired the snow glittering in the sun. Impulsively, she bent down, scooped up a handful of snow, and threw it at him. It was dry and powdery and did not stick together well, but she effectively showered him in the sparkling white stuff.
He retaliated. Soon, snow was flying until they fell down into it, gasping and laughing in the freezing air.
He raised up on one elbow. “Ever gone sledding?”
“What?”
“You sit on a piece of wood and slide down the hill.”
She laughed. “Sounds dangerous. I want to try it.”
Kai rummaged around a storeroom and produced an oddlooking wooden slat that curved upward on one side. Jeniah trudged up a hill outside the castle wall behind Kai while he pulled the sled to the top of the hill. Her guards remained nearby, looking as though they could not decide whether to be alarmed or amused.
Kai motioned to the sled. “Go ahead and sit.”
Ungracefully, she cl
imbed in and tucked her skirts around feet. Kai pushed the sled until they had built up some momentum, and then jumped onto the sled behind her. They gathered speed as they slid downhill, and the wind stung Jeniah’s eyes. Kai leaned to steer the sled around obstacles in their path. At the bottom of the hill, they slowed to a gentle stop.
Jeniah leaned back against Kai and laughed heartily. “That was wonderful! Let’s do it again.”
They tromped up the hill and slid down repeatedly until they were thoroughly wet and cold. For Jeniah, days of pent-up frustration melted away like spring thaw.
Without any warning, Kai went on alert. He fell into a defensive stance in front of her as weapons seemed to instantly appear in each hand. He stood unmoving and peered into the snow-covered trees lining their sledding hill. He made a sharp gesture to the guards, who immediately ran in that direction. Her heart thumping, Jeniah rested her hand on Kai’s broad back, drawing courage from his nearness. Kai would protect her as he always had. Snow slid off a tree branch and landed in the slow with a soft plop, but she heard no other sound.
They waited in breathless silence.
Was it possible the Hanorans had tracked her all the way to Darbor?
Moments later, the guards returned. “We saw no sign of intruders, sir.”
Kai nodded but did not look relieved. He stared in that direction for a long moment. “Perhaps we should return to the castle.”
“I’m wet and cold anyway,” Jeniah said, partly because it was true, and partly out of respect for his caution.
Kai cast one final glance in the direction of the trees. As they passed the guard gate, he ordered a perimeter check, and he refused to leave Jeniah’s side for the remainder of the day.
Jeniah delighted in his constant presence, but couldn’t shake the feeling that somehow the Hanorans had found her.
Chapter Seventeen
I n spite of his flighty exterior, Garhren Ravenwing was a man of determination. When he cornered Kai and grimly barked, “We need to talk,” Kai knew he was in trouble.
Unwilling to allow Garhren to believe this was going to be an easy victory, Kai shot the man a look of annoyance as he racked his weapon. After making certain no one else lingered nearby, he faced this next battle with a fearsome scowl. “What is it, Garhren?”
Garhren folded his arms, clearly unimpressed. “You are about to marry the most charming and beautiful lady I’ve ever seen. Yet you are stalking around, scowling, muttering, and training at all hours.”
Kai rubbed his tired, aching eyes. “I’m not in the mood, lieutenant,” he hedged, knowing full well that Gar would never give up even if Kai stooped to pulling rank on him.
“Get in the mood quickly, because a girl like that only comes around once in a hundred years. And I’m going to knock your head off if you break her heart. Then I’m going to steal her away.”
Furious, Kai rounded on him. “Don’t you touch her!” Garhren’s slow grin told Kai he had been baited. He swore under his breath and stalked out of the room with his friend trotting beside him.
Sometimes he wished he could actually confide in Garhren. There were few secrets between them, and this was one he did not want to bear alone.
Garhren began to muse. “She’s Tiraian, and if I remember my social customs correctly, she’s making you wait until marriage, but I know that can’t be the only reason for all of this.”
“You would know the mating customs of every country in the world,” Kai growled.
“Thank the moons Darborian women aren’t that prudish! But that’s not it, is it?”
Kai stopped walking and turned to face him, heaving a sigh. “No, that’s not it.” He struggled against the raging tide of emotion. “I . . . shouldn’t feel this way for her.”
“What? Are you insane? You shouldn’t love the girl you’re going to marry?”
Kai started walking to escape his friend’s scrutiny, fearing if there were a crack in his armor, Garhren would find it.
Garhren gripped his shoulder. “Is this about Ariana?”
Kai felt the wind go out of him. His fingers found the braid he wore around his neck, and he gripped it like a lifeline.
Ariana.
He leaned against the wall and squeezed his eyes shut. The sound of her name pierced him like a barb, reopening all his wounds.
“Kai, you’re not betraying her. And you’re not forgetting her. You’re living again.”
Ariana.
“If you need more time, Lady Illané will understand, but you need to tell her why. She deserves to know,” Garhren said softly. “She’s hurt by your distance.”
Kai stood unmoving, his eyes still squeezed tight. He barely felt Garhren’s hand on his shoulder.
Garhren’s voice sounded close to his ear. “She’s been avenged, Kai. She’s at peace. Don’t you think you should have a bit of peace too? That she’d want you to move on?”
Ariana.
There was another squeeze on his shoulder before Garhren’s footsteps moved away. Kai stood alone with his memories and the pain they invoked—Ariana’s rounded belly under his hand, the baby kicking from within, the scent of her hair as he held her close and kissed her, the sweetness of her voice when she told him she loved him and would miss him. Then she had lifted the braided hair from his chest, a token she had bestowed a year before, and pressed it to her lips. “To remember me,” she had said.
Kai began walking again, following the familiar paths of the castle corridors. Would loving Jeniah mean losing Ariana completely? He slammed a fist into the stone wall. His feelings for Jeniah didn’t matter, because she would be queen. Utterly untouchable.
The only two women he ever loved were out of reach. One would soon be on a throne. The other lay in a cold grave.
Since that day in the snow when he was certain they were being watched, Kai had forbidden Jeniah to leave the inner castle, yet he knew her confinement must be driving her mad. In the hopes of distracting her from her restrictions, he sought her out as much as his duties allowed, but each encounter chipped away at his resolve to shield himself from emotional attachments. Still, he couldn’t abandon her.
When he arrived to escort her to the noon meal one day, he found her frowning in a corner just as a theatrical production ended.
“What is it?”
She waved her hand impatiently, her lower lip trembling. “It was a tragedy.”
He smiled at her tender heart. “It’s only a story.”
“I know, but I don’t like sad stories. And I hate it worse that she took her own life. I can’t imagine being so completely without hope that I would actually kill myself.”
Suddenly and unreasonably annoyed, Kai withdrew his hand, making an impatient gesture. “That’s because you are young.”
With uncharacteristic anger, she turned on him with blazing eyes. “Kai Darkwood, how dare you take such a patronizing tone with me! Even after—” she broke off and glanced at the others, but no one else was close enough to hear. Still, she lowered her voice, but it was laced with anger. “Even after I lost my family and my home, I never considered suicide, and don’t tell me it was because I was too naive to think of it. Do you actually think that I know nothing of loss, just because I’m young?” Her face was flushed and her chest heaved.
He stared, startled at her intensity. She had endured worse than anyone he knew. Through it all, she had shown great courage and strength when others might have given up and lost their will to live, or at least melted into self-pity. The princess had done neither. Instead, she had risen above it, enduring a difficult journey without complaint, and had graciously adapted to the customs of a strange land. Jeniah had ceased being a pampered, sheltered princess long ago, and it was wrong of him to continue to treat her as such.
Kai took a breath. “Forgive me.”
Her anger faded, replaced by fervency. “All I’m saying is that there is always hope.”
“Not every story has a happy ending.”
Jeniah’s lips pre
ssed into a line. After giving him a long look, she stood and moved away.
Kai let his breath out in frustration. “Women,” he muttered even as he went after her, walking swiftly to catch up.
As he reached her, he grasped her elbow to stop her. Then he slid his hand down her arm to her hand. “I’m sorry.” Jeniah’s face was solemn rather than angry, and she let him raise her hand to his lips. He tugged at her gently. “Walk with me?”
“If we can go outside.”
He stiffened, remembering the prickling sensation that someone had been watching them. Finally, he nodded. “The gardens.”
After stopping for their cloaks, they went out to the walled gardens directly behind the castle, her guards distant enough to allow them a private conversation. Gray clouds hung oppressively low, and an occasional snowflake swirled in a faint breeze.
“Kai, have I done something unforgivable?”
Feeling a sharp pain in his chest, he enclosed her hand with both of his. “No, of course not. I’m sorry for my thoughtlessness. I seem to be quite irritable lately, and I apologize for turning my temper on you.”
“Am I the cause?”
He stopped walking and turned to her. He skimmed her soft cheek with his fingers. “No.”
Her eyes searched his. “If being in my presence causes you discomfort, then—”
“Being out of your presence causes me discomfort.” He cupped her face with a hand.
“Sometimes I wish we had never come here. I would rather still be cold and hunted than warm and comfortable, if losing your affection is the price.” She blushed. “At least, you seemed to have feelings for me while we traveled together. Perhaps I misunderstood?”
“No, Jeniah.”
“I loved having your arms around me when we rode Braygo and when we slept.” She blushed deeper, looking sweet and charming. “But most of all, I miss how easy it was to talk to you. Here, you are on guard, always proper, always . . . distant. You are either angry or completely unapproachable.” She closed her eyes but tears squeezed out between her eyelashes.
Her tears almost broke Kai’s heart. He had wanted to protect her from sorrow, but instead he was causing it. He wiped the moisture from her face with the pads of his thumbs, pulled her into his arms, and rested his cheek on the top of her head. Wordlessly, he held her, wishing he would never have to let her go.