“Yes?” Not exactly my most eloquent moment, but he had been beating down my door like he had something to say.
Shock was the first emotion that registered on his face and I felt sure it had everything to do with my appearance. Baggy grey sweat pants and dark green Tulane hoodie with bare feet, never mind my hair sticking up in all directions, red nose and bloodshot eyes. I knew what I looked like because his face said it all.
“What’s wrong? I’ve been trying to call you for days.”
I turned away and went back to my spot on the sofa. “Except for when I needed you to call Colt.”
The door closed and locked, he walked into the living room with his arms crossed and a dark look on his face. “What the hell does that mean?”
“It means you should have called me to say you would be late, to say that you were leaving D.C. for Mexico. Not after you’re already late. Or gone. Again.”
That’s when I knew that this wouldn’t be a pretty conversation. It would be ugly and probably painful, and there was a good chance when it ended we would no longer be together. Again.
“Is that what this is about? You’re punishing me for not telling you every little detail?”
A bitter laugh escaped, and I shook my head, wondering not for the first time if this was useless. Were Colt and I destined to fail? Would this happen across all timelines, all lives in all dimensions?
“You think that’s what I’m doing? Of course you do.” My heart cracked and then splintered, but for now, still whole. “It doesn’t matter. Why did you come here?”
“To make sure you’re all right. To find out why you’re not at work.” His gaze took me in, glancing over the items spread around me.
“As you can see I’m fine. I’ll be back at work on Wednesday.” Maybe. I might not have a job before this day was over.
“Clearly you’re not fine, so why don’t you talk to me Jaya?” He dropped down in the chair just to the left of where I sat. Close but not close enough. Message received.
“I thought about it, but then you proved to me again that I don’t matter to you so no, I don’t think I will. You should probably just go.” Another crack formed in my heart, making it hard to breathe.
“Dammit Jaya! Why is this so hard? It never was this hard before, was it?”
“Not for you Colt. You left before it got hard and made sure you never had to deal with it.”
“I need a beer,” he jumped up and his long-legged stride carried him to the kitchen. The fridge opened and closed, then the bottle cap popped as his footsteps retraced his steps. “What the…are you pregnant?”
“Not anymore, but you know that.” I didn’t know what Colt was playing at but I felt my anger go from simmering to boiling.
“I have no idea…are you saying you had an abortion while I was away?”
“Stop! Just stop this right now! You’re a lot of things Colt but I never thought you were cruel.” So much for being strong. The tears fell fast enough to blur my vision but if this is how he wanted to play it then maybe it’s what we both needed. “I would never have an abortion, not after losing a child. You know the one you didn’t give one damn about?”
“Child? What are you talking about?”
Here goes. “I hated it but I understood that maybe you didn’t want to talk to me, after all you left me with no notice so I knew I wasn’t all that important to you. But when I emailed you that I was pregnant I expected something, even if it was just a message telling me to fuck off, but I didn’t get even that. When I lost my baby at five months I thought for sure you’d at least contact me. When you didn’t, I knew. I loved you more than you ever loved me.” And apparently that was still true. “So now you know what’s wrong Colt. Today was the day I lost my baby and every year I’m a wreck about it, so please leave. If I still have a job I’ll be back on Wednesday.”
“What? I don’t understand,” his voice trailed off but I was too lost in my emotions to hear him. To be aware of anything outside my grief. “Jay goddammit explain. Please.”
I looked his way but could see nothing thanks to my tears. “If you want an explanation Colt you should have read the emails I sent at the time. I don’t have the energy to explain,” I told him and stood, making my way back up to my big comfy bed. I could just collapse onto the pillow top and soon sleep would claim me and I could forget.
Just for a little while.
Colt
Well that explained every fucking thing, didn’t it? I felt like an even bigger asshole now than I ever did. All this time I thought Jaya hated me for changing our plans, for leaving her to go the Navy without much notice. Fuck that, without any notice. I could admit that now.
I’d been thinking about joining for a few months but I didn’t know how to tell her because I didn’t want to leave her. Worse, I didn’t want her to talk me out of going because I never wanted to resent her. So I’d gone to the Navy recruitment center close to campus, signed all the paperwork and told her at the last fucking minute. And now I realize what exactly I had lost. Why Jaya had been so hostile towards me.
Idiot that I was I thought she’d been hanging on to teenage heartbreak when it had been so much more than that.
Pregnant.
Alone.
Abandoned.
That’s exactly how Jaya must have felt when she never heard from me, because it’s exactly what I would have felt. Hell, that’s how I had felt when she never reached out to me, never cared whether or not I had survived basic training. War. I’d felt abandoned and alone, when I’d thought we’d spend the rest of our lives together. Now I knew the truth.
When the door closed on a quiet click upstairs I took the seat Jaya had vacated and picked up the sonogram, dated almost four months to the date of my departure for recruit training. Twenty–two weeks. Baby boy Martinson. We would have had a fucking boy. My son.
It explained so much, yet somehow explained nothing at all. How could someone wear socks this tiny? The Navy onesie looked like it had been made for a doll. No wonder Jaya was a mess. And she had to deal with this level of grief every year? For the past decade? Hell knowing what I did it was a miracle she’d even let me get close enough to inhale her sweet scent, let alone touch her. Make love to her.
I packed the items away, making sure to snap a photo of the sonogram so I could have a copy for myself. Fuck I needed answers but I couldn’t disturb Jaya, she obviously needed the oblivion of sleep.
But first I needed to do something. Anything to take care of Jaya in a way she couldn’t outright refuse. So, I went to the kitchen and pulled out Italian sausage, onions, peppers and tomato sauce. I sautéed the vegetables and sausages, added the sauce, seasoning and herbs, letting it simmer while my mind refused to quiet down. Why didn’t I receive those emails? Her lack of communication had left me feeling angry, rejected and questioning every moment we’d ever spent together.
I went in search of paper and left a note on the counter about the food, now warming in the oven. I did go upstairs to check on her and left her phone on vibrate on the nightstand beside her. Taking one final look at her, I left with all of my questions unanswered.
But I knew just who had the answers I needed.
“So how long have you both known that Jaya was pregnant when I left for the Navy and then miscarried?”
I drove straight from Jaya’s house to Lake Shore Drive, slamming on the brakes in Ma’s guest parking spot and hardly able to contain my impatience to see them. Ma had been surprised and then worried when I insisted she accompany me to Sharon Martinson’s apartment.
“Colt we thought you knew,” Sharon answered calmly. Green eyes so like her daughter’s staring at me with concern.
My fist slammed on the dining table in anger, making the plate of macadamia nut cookies jump a few inches in the air.
“You thought…you both thought I knew about the baby and chose to abandon it and Jaya?” I didn’t know whether to be insulted or angry, so I went for both. “You too Ma?”
/> Ma took her time, the way she used to when Garrett and I were kids, formulating her answer so it was firm but kind. And giving us plenty of time to squirm. Only this time I didn’t squirm. I waited impatiently.
“I figured there was a reason you didn’t answer her emails, and once you finished basic training I didn’t want to burden you while you were off doing dangerous things.”
“But you never brought it up, not once.”
“Jaya asked us not to,” Sharon said from the kitchen, bringing three crystal tumblers and a decanter of scotch, or maybe whiskey. I didn’t give a damn which because it’s just what I needed. “She was so devastated by the miscarriage that she didn’t want to bring it up again. For about two weeks after leaving school she didn’t even talk, just walked around like a half-dead zombie. Finally, she told me she didn’t want to talk about the baby anymore, ever again.”
“A couple months later she announced she was returning to school. In Louisiana.” Ma placed a hand on top of mine, sympathy all over her face. I hated it.
“Well contrary to what you both think, I found out about the baby about an hour ago when I found Jaya crying over a few keepsakes. Including a sonogram.”
“Oh honey,” they said simultaneously, both women descending upon me in a cloud of expensive perfume and pure mom loving. They hugged me for a long time and finally Sharon pulled back first, cupping my face with a soft smile. “How can that be?”
“That’s what I’ve been trying to figure out.” It just didn’t make sense. “I got messages from Ma and Garrett all the time but never any from Jaya.”
“Well yeah but the first couple I sent after basic training bounced back.” Ma’s brows furrowed and she dropped back into her seat rather ungracefully.
“How is that possible? My military address was activated…right away.” Shit. Shit, shit and double shit. “Jaya didn’t have my Navy email address.” She must’ve sent it to my old college email address. For all my talk of Jaya never reaching out to me…, “I never even gave her a way to contact me when I left.” We’d parted ways after an ugly fight and there hadn’t been any time to make up because I left too soon. Dammit! “It’s all my fault.”
“It seems like she’s forgiven you,” Sharon said, eyes warm and kind. “You’ve gotten close again.”
That was true, at least it had been until a couple hours ago. “I’m not so sure anymore Sharon.”
“Then what the hell are you doing here with us. Not that we don’t love having you here,” Ma added with a small tilt of her lips. “You should be there for her when she’s ready to talk. Or just hold her while she cries.”
That sounded nice, and it had the benefit of being exactly what I wanted to do. Wrap Jaya in my arms and let her know I would always be there for her. Yeah that sounded nice. I opened my mouth to speak but Sharon stopped me.
“Don’t let her push you away Colt. She’s hurting and she thinks it’s easier to do it alone. It’s not, and if you love her, which I suspect you do, you should be there with her.”
I stood and kissed Ma and then Sharon on the cheek and left as quickly as I’d entered less than an hour ago. I had to back to my girl.
While I still had a chance to keep her.
Jaya
The good thing about sleeping all day is that I didn’t spend the entire day thinking about my baby. Or Colt. The bad thing is that it was now eleven at night and I was wide awake. Which meant a long night binge session on Netflix and snacking because cooking was definitely not on tonight’s agenda. Probably not on tomorrow’s either.
But a shower most definitely was on the to-do list. Right now. Short and hot and just how I like it, I even washed my hair to cleanse the whole wretched day away. A quick dry off, and I slipped into new pajamas before going in search of food to quiet my growling stomach. I couldn’t remember eating all day and now my stomach rebelled against me.
The second before my foot touched the first step the growling was tamed at the scent of…, “Sausage?” And—oh my god—was that cheese? I must be hallucinating because there’s no way fresh hot food is in my house at this hour. But still I felt compelled to hurry down the stairs just to be sure some magical fairy hadn’t left me a meal.
Imagine my surprise when I found the oven light on and a note from Colt on the counter.
Jay-Jay,
Eat and enjoy because you deserve it. And because my sauce is better than yours.
Love,
Colt
I smiled because he did fantastic things with tomatoes and herbs, and yeah, it had always topped mine. Colt used to joke that other people were tone deaf, “But you Jay-Jay are taste deaf,” because I never seasoned anything properly.
Italian sausage, onions, peppers, garlic and oregano. My absolute favorite, damn him. I scooped up a spoon and went to the living room, ready for some late-night TV.
My big sofa beckoned and I sat, prepared for that bone deep groan that happened every time my ass hit the cushion.
“Oh! What in the hell?” This sofa was lumpier than I remembered. And it moved. “Colt?”
He smiled up at me, his bright smile looking even brighter against his two or three days of scruff. He reached out to me. “When I dreamed of you sitting on me babe, this isn’t what I had in mind.”
And just like that, after the hellish day I had, Colt made me think about sex. Not just any sex either, but the kind of sex that started with me sitting. On. His. Face.
“Yeah I’ll bet. What are you doing here?”
His hand continued the slow graze up and down my arm, sending shivers through me. “I wanted to be here for you Jaya, in case you needed me. But I didn’t want to be presumptuous and crawl into bed beside you after…earlier. So, how are you doing?”
Dammit this was the Colt I’d fallen for as a young girl. And again as a grown woman. It would be hard to resist if I could remember why I was resisting in the first place.
“I’m feeling better, I suppose.” At least as good as I will ever feel.
Colt sat up and pulled me close, tucking me under his arm and feeding me a bite of pasta before taking one for himself. “I’m glad. Seeing you so upset like that, it gutted me.”
The anguish in his voice got to me because I could see the pain etched on his face as clearly as I saw it earlier. I could hear the hopelessness he felt because he couldn’t comfort me. For a man like Colt that was akin to torture.
“I know Colt, but it isn’t your responsibility to take care of me.”
“Doesn’t mean I don’t want to,” he shot back, holding a heaping forkful of juicy sausage and pasta up to my mouth. I took it with a shy smile and he took a scoop for himself. “Because I do. And had I known you were pregnant back then Jaya I would have been back for you. Speeding up our plans for marriage and kids. You have to know that.”
I sighed, not at all ready to talk about this again, but I knew if we had any chance of moving forward together, we had to.
“I want to believe you Colt.”
He sighed too, frustration building at this one situation we might not be able to overcome. “I went to see our moms earlier after you went to sleep, to get some answers. It fucking bothered me that I never got any emails from you. Honestly I’d been pissed at you for a few years for not emailing to make sure I was all right.” He gave me an amused smirk and shook his head at the memory. “It turns out it was a case of oversight. You emailed me at my college address and the University discontinued it thirty days after I withdrew.”
Damn that hurt even more. “You didn’t want me to have a way to contact you. You were cutting all ties.”
“I didn’t, goddammit! It was an oversight. A stupid fucking mistake that wouldn’t have happened if I’d been honest with you from the start. I’d been thinking about leaving college for the Navy for a while, before I ever told you about it.” He stood abruptly and I watched him walk into the kitchen and return moments later with more pasta and two cans of pop. “If I told you my ideas sooner things wouldn’t ha
ve ended the way they did.”
He should have told me. I had a right to know when we were planning a future together, but I’m also sick of having so many regrets. I regret how I reacted when Colt told me he was leaving me for the Navy. I regret losing my baby and leaving the city I loved to abruptly. I regret that Jeffries will never walk again. I can’t change any of it, and that meant I needed to let it go and look ahead.
“Listen, things worked out the way they were supposed to. You have a wonderful and successful business keeping people safe and secure. So I guess things worked out.” I just wished it worked as well for me too.
“Does that mean things won’t or can’t work out for us? That you can’t find a way to forgive me?”
“There’s nothing to forgive Colt.” I could see the genuine surprise on his face and I couldn’t hold it against him. “I believe you didn’t know and yes, it sucked to go through all of that alone. But it sucked more to lose my baby not that long after I lost you.” Every year this happened, a weeklong reminder of losing the love of my life and my child in the span of a few months.
Colt had nothing to say for a long time, feeding us until the plate was empty and our bellies were full. “I really hate myself for letting you down when you needed me. Tell me what I can do.”
There was only one thing I could think of that I wanted in that moment. Colt. “You can start by kissing me.” And then he cupped my face and kissed me. Like he meant it.
Like I was the only thing keeping him tethered to the earth. Like I was his reason for living and breathing. I gasped and he licked inside my mouth, his tongue stroking first along my bottom lip and then kissing me hungrily and driving me out of my mind. In that moment, I wanted to kiss my physical therapist because I could finally grab onto him with both hands, touching and caressing, kneading and stroking until I felt the fire raging inside of me turn into an inferno and I climbed on his lap. Colt pulled back and smiled that smile that turned my insides to liquid.
His Takeover: An Enemies to Lovers Romance Page 18