As we neared the plane I could see a confused look on her face. “Is this a private plane?” She looked over at me with concern on her face.
“It is. I thought this might be easier for you.”
“But I thought you weren’t allowed to use your family plane?”
“I made arrangements.”
She stared at me as if she were trying to decide how to feel at this moment, “Ok.”
She stopped just before the plane door, my heart sank. I knew what was happening. She covered her face with her hands, “I can’t do this,” and then turned around pushing past me.
“Sophia, wait,” I called out, following her.
“I can’t do it Stefan, I can’t.” She gasped for air, clutching her chest.
“Breathe,” I said calmly as I caught up to her. I placed my hands on her arms rubbing them. “You can do this. It’s your mom.” When I said it, part of me regretted it, but the other part knew it was the only way to make her think logically at this moment.
Her eyes started to fill with tears once again; she took a deep breath, and took my hand, “o-ok.”
Once we were on the plane and in the air, she fell asleep almost instantly. Her exhaustion from being upset was a gift during the flight. She was able to sleep through the entire time we were in the air. The flight attendant brought me a glass of whiskey; my nerves were shot from worrying about this weekend.
The plane landed on a private airstrip close to Sophia’s home town. I didn’t want to force her on a long drive if I didn’t have to. My Mum arranging this was a shock, but I was grateful. My Nan was waiting for us when we arrived in Nebraska. Sophia still had her arms folded across her chest when we stepped off the plane.
My Nan was waiting for us, when Sophia saw her, she couldn’t hold in her emotions any longer. My Nan embraced Sophia, as she cried into my Nan’s shoulder.
“Come,” she wrapped her arm around Sophia, “Let’s get to my house, I will put on some hot tea for you.”
They walked next to each other toward the car, Sophia leaning into my Nan. I gestured for the flight attendants to put the bags into the car. We arrived at my Nan’s rather quickly. The air strip wasn’t too far from her house. They both made their way inside as I collected the bags from the back of the car.
After placing our bags in the spare bedroom, I made my way toward the living room. My heart warmed when I saw Sophia and my Nan sitting next to each other. Sophia was actually speaking, it was the first time I had seen a glimmer of light return to her. I sat down in a chair on the opposite side of the room, trying not to disrupt their conversation.
“Did you see her that day?” Sophia asked.
My Nan took her hand, “Are you sure you’re ready to talk about this?”
“Yes.”
“Ok then,” My Nan gave her a sympathetic smile, “I saw her the day before. We had tea in this very spot.”
Sophia looked down at the sofa she was sitting on, “Was she happy?”
“Very.”
“That’s good.” Sophia’s voice trailed off, her concentration was still on the sofa.
My Nan looked over at me, then back to Sophia, “We talked about you that day.”
“Really?” Sophia slightly perked up.
“She said how proud she was of you.”
A small smile appeared on Sophia’s face, “I’m glad I did something right.”
My Nan squeezed her hand, “My Dear you have done many things right.”
“I wasn’t here for her. What if I was here? What if I was and things would be different?”
“You can’t think like that. None of this is your fault.”
“I know it’s not, but I can’t help but wonder.”
“You can wonder all your life, but it won’t change anything, and your Mum would not want you to spend your life like that.”
Sophia’s eyes teared up, “I’m sorry. It’s just a lot being home.”
“I know.” My Nan said.
“I think I’m going to go lie down, if that’s ok?” Sophia retracted her hand from my Nan’s and pushed her hair behind her.
“That is perfectly fine.”
Sophia made her way back to the spare bedroom, I looked at my Nan who was clearly thinking about something. “What?” I asked her.
“She seems like she’s doing better.”
I leaned on the armrest, “She’s forcing herself to act normal around you.”
“She doesn’t have to do that.”
“She cares about what you think; it’s why she is doing it.”
“She could be a mess and I’d still love that sweet girl.”
“I know.” I sat up, “She’s just having a hard time processing things.”
“After she gets through tomorrow, she will slowly move forward.”
“I miss her laugh. Her eyes have a way of shining when she laughs.”
“You will hear it again, just give her time.”
It was always comforting being in my Nan’s home, even under the circumstances. She had a way of finding the right things to say to give me hope. I retired to the guest room after a while. Sophia was sound asleep. She looked so calm as if nothing was wrong. I would do anything to take her pain away.
Chapter Three
Sophia
My eyes fluttered open in the not so foreign room. The quilt was different than the last time I was here. The one I remembered was blue, but the one my hands were clutching was yellow. Stefan wasn’t next to me when I rolled over. I laid on my back and stared at the ceiling. My emotions weren’t there. I couldn’t feel anything. I knew what I had to do today. It felt like a chore. Wake up, shower, dress in black, stand in front of people, say thank you, leave. Like a routine dance that I’ve danced once before.
The sound from the kitchen confirmed that Stefan and Judith were cooking breakfast. I still didn’t feel like eating, but I knew I needed to emerge from this room. I climbed out of bed, quickly took a shower, and dried my hair. No one had come to check on me. They were most likely giving me my space, but I couldn’t tell if I wanted people to be concerned with me, or to just leave me alone. Part of me wanted to curl up into Stefan’s arms, the other part wanted to run very far from here.
I stepped into the hallway; I could hear the kitchen sink running. When I walked into the living room, Stefan was putting on his black tie in the mirror above the sofa. He stopped when he noticed my presence.
He walked over and placed a kiss on my lips, “My Nan cooked breakfast if you want anything.”
“I’m not hungry.” I reached up adjusting his tie. “You look nice.”
“Do you want coffee, anything?” He wrapped his hands around mine, stopping me from adjusting his tie.
“I’m fine.” I looked away from him into the mirror. My face was plain; I didn’t bother putting on makeup, just mascara. I was doing the best I could. “When are we leaving?”
“Soon.”
“I’m going to wait outside.” I let my hands drop from his grip, as I walked toward the front door.
The sky was a perfect bright blue. It would be perfect weather today, wouldn’t it? The drive to the funeral seemed like it didn’t happen. It was as if I appeared at the burial site by magic. I sat in between Stefan and his Nan while people I had never met spoke. I looked at all these people and wanted to scream. I hated myself for not knowing who they were, but how could I? I wasn’t here when she met them.
Why were they crying? I didn’t understand why they were crying. They didn’t know her long. I watched as their tears fell. Tears…why wasn’t I crying? I touched my cheek to confirm that there weren’t any tears. I didn’t know what was happening. My chest started to tighten. I bit my lip, closing my eyes. Stefan placed his hand on mine, I opened my eyes and it was as if the rest was a blur, then it was over.
We were back at Stefan’s Nan’s house for finger foods and the fake smiles and thank you for coming. I couldn’t tell you anyone’s name who I met. I was sitting on the couch clutchin
g a glass of water. Stefan sat down next to me, as a lady who was speaking to me got up. Was I even listening?
“Are you ok?” He whispered in my ear.
I looked at him, “I need to go.” I swiftly got up, and walked outside.
Stefan followed me out the door, “Sophia where are you going?”
“I can’t be here.” I put my hands over my face. “I don’t know those people. This doesn’t feel right. I need to leave.”
“Where do you want to go?”
“Home.” My voice broke.
“Ok. I’ll take you.” He stepped closer. “Get in the car.”
We drove in silence the entire way. I was nervous. I didn’t know why. No one was there. It was just a house. My eyes started to water when we pulled onto my street. I opened the door instantly when Stefan put the car in park. I picked up the flower pot by the front door and grabbed the spare key. My fingers fumbled trying to open it.
“It won’t open.” I cried, “Stefan, it won’t open.”
“Shh, breathe.” He reached in front of me placing his hands on the key; I pulled my hand back, wiping a tear away. With a swift click, he unlocked the door.
My feet carried me through the house, everything was the same. It was as if nothing had changed, except my Mom wasn’t here. She wasn’t here anymore. I found myself sitting on my small twin bed holding onto a pillow. The sheets were different. My mom had turned my room into a painting studio.
Stefan appeared at the doorway; he walked slowly over to my bed and sat down in front of me. “You’re Mom was happy.”
I looked around at the paintings that now covered my old room; a few more tears fell. “She was, wasn’t she?”
He didn’t say anything; he just sat there with me in the quiet of the house. The wind blew through the tree outside my window, causing the longest branch to scratch on the roof like it always does.
I looked out the window, then back to Stefan. “How am I supposed to go through an entire house of things?”
“We can hire someone, if you want.”
“No, I want to do it myself.”
“My Nan and I will help you.”
“Not right now, though.” I pulled the pillow closer to my chest. “I can’t do it right now.”
“You don’t have to.”
I let my eyes travel to his, “I want to go back to New York in the morning.”
“Are you sure?”
“I can’t stay in this town right now. I can’t do any of this. It’s too much.”
“Ok, I will make some calls.”
For some reason my heart calmed when he confirmed we would leave tomorrow. I hated myself for not wanting to be here right now, but I can’t explain how I felt. It was a rush of painful emotion that I wanted to go away.
“Do you want to take anything back with you?” He asked me.
“Hm?” I came back from my thoughts. “Oh, I don’t know.” I looked around the room again. “Can I have a few minutes alone?”
“Of course,” He kissed my forehead. “I need to make some calls about tomorrow anyway.”
He left the room, and I leaned back into the bed. The paintings around the room were of trees, birds, and beaches. The pictures of the ocean were similar to the one she gave me for Christmas. Each picture told a story of her last few months of what she was looking at or imagining. I tried to envision her drinking a glass of wine listening to music with her paintbrush in hand. What a peaceful thought, but I didn’t know if it was real or not.
That night we drove back to Stefan’s Nan’s house. I didn’t take anything of my Mom’s. I wanted to wait to do it with a clear mind, and right now my thoughts were far from clear.
Judith had dinner ready for us by the time we returned. I felt their eyes on me, wondering if I would eat. My biggest wish at the moment was for everyone to stop wondering if I was okay. Still, I sat at the table with them, taking small bites of the grilled chicken. They didn’t attempt to bring me into conversation. They spoke of the charity ballet that Henry had told me about. I listened, but didn’t comment. Would we go? No one knew. I didn’t care at the moment.
The next morning arrived; we were packed and ready to get on a flight as if we were never there. Judith drove us to the airport. Our bags were plucked from the car and taken to the plane. Judith first hugged Stefan then turned to me.
“If you need anything, and I mean anything, call me.” She wrapped her arms around me.
The hug lingered. I placed my chin on her shoulder, “Thank you for this week. I’m sorry I’ve been a mess.”
She pulled away, “Nonsense. You are very important to me.”
“I’ll be better when I come back.”
“You are perfect now. Go home and rest.” She hugged me one more time.
As we walked toward the plane, she waved. I looked back twice. The second time she was getting in her car. My heart couldn’t help but hurt leaving her. She genuinely cared about me, and I was so thankful for all that she had done this week.
I stopped just before stepping on to the plane, staring at the entrance. My stomach started dancing. I had to do this flight all over again.
“I’m right here with you.” Stefan whispered low enough that the flight attendants couldn’t hear.
I looked over my shoulder at him, “I know.” Then I stepped onto the plane.
The brownstone was no different than when we left it. We returned that afternoon to an empty home. Keira no longer lived here; it was only Stefan and I. The fact that no one was here comforted me. I didn’t have to pretend to be ok. Stefan carried our bags up stairs; I slowly followed behind, stopping at my room. I entered, sitting down on the grey sofa, as I listened to the sounds of the New York streets.
Stefan appeared at the doorway, “What are you doing in here?”
“I don’t know.” I sighed, “I think I’m going to return to work tomorrow.”
He walked over, sitting down next to me, “You don’t have to.”
“I know I don’t have to.” I situated my body to face him, “I want to.”
“I just want to make sure you’re ok.”
I bit my bottom lip, “I’m not made of glass. Stop acting like I'm about to break.”
He stared at me before he answered, “Ok, I'm sorry.”
The next morning I woke up, showered, made my coffee, and walked out the front door like my normal routine. As I made my way down the streets, no one knew what had happened last week. I was living in my own world heartbreak.
At work, no one really knew how to talk to me. Most people avoided me. Kevin hugged me, he asked me to lunch, but I politely declined. Instead I sat on a bench outside watching a few birds flutter around. I didn’t have the energy to do much of anything else.
Stefan
My day was filled with a few small meetings. My father called, I ignored it. I got home around 6. I heard noise coming from upstairs. Sophia must have made it home before me. When I turned the staircase near her room, I could hear her fumbling around.
I turned the corner, “How was your….Sophia what's wrong?” I asked panicked. She was on the floor in a pile of things she had pulled from her closet, tears streaming down her face.
She took in a few watery breaths, “I...I can’t find...I can’t find the painting.”
I wiped her face, “What painting?”
“The one my Mom gave me for Christmas.” She took in another teary breath, throwing a shoe across the room. “It’s gone.”
“We’ll find it. Breathe.” I pulled her into my shoulder, as she continued to cry.
“It’s gone, just like she is.” Her voice muffled into my shoulder.
“Wait right here.” I stood from our seated position and walked up to my room.
I flicked the light on in my closet. Sophia had pushed some things into my closet when she moved back in. A few boxes were in the corner, I started to dig through them, only coming across useless items that she had long forgotten she had. It wasn’t until I found the brown t
hin box deep in the corner. I popped the top and there it was; the delicate painted ocean. I pushed the painting back into the box, as I made my way back to her room.
She was sitting on the sofa at this point, her eyes relaxed when she saw what was in my hand.
“Is that?” She asked.
I handed it to her, “Yes.”
Her hand was shaking as she took it, “Where was it?”
“In a pile of things you put in the corner of my closet.”
She pulled the painting out, leaning back into the sofa, “Oh, I forgot that I had anything in there.” She stared at the painting and fell silent.
The next few days were exactly that. It was as if she had become accustomed to the silence, she did what she had to do to get by, went to work, showered, ate, slept. She said she wasn’t glass, but it really did feel as if she was broken.
Chapter Four
Stefan
It had been a week since we arrived home from Nebraska. Sophia had made very little progress. She went through her routine, and I let her. I was surprised when I came home that Friday to her eating dinner at the table. A dinner that she made for herself and no one forced her to eat.
I poured myself a glass of water, and then sat down across from her, “How was work?”
“Fine,” She looked up at me, “I made enough for you.” She gestured to her plate.
“Thanks.”
We ate in silence for a few minutes, until she finished her food, “Our trip to the beach was supposed to be Monday.”
I set my fork down, “It was.”
She looked out the window, “I suppose you canceled it already?”
“Not yet, I was planning on doing that tomorrow morning.”
“Oh.” She looked down, a few moments passed, “We can still go.”
“Are you sure you want to do that?”
Until Him: Book 3 - Until Then Series Page 2