by Anna Jacobs
“Eh, it’s lovely to see your fresh young face around the house. You and Angie really cheer me up. We’ll go out this afternoon, shall we, just you and me? The carer is coming and I usually go down to the park or - I know, we could drive out to Hollingworth Lake. Would you like that? Good, so would I.”
He made it so easy for her to fit in, Deb thought wonderingly. He had no expectations but that they’d enjoy one another’s company, so they did. She couldn’t remember anyone as easy to be with - except for Ryan. And found herself noticing similarities between her brother and Pop. Ryan had grown up a lot since he left university. He seemed to have left her behind somehow and had said she was being childish a couple of times. She’d not believed him then, but now, well, it made you think seeing Gran like that.
“You can ring your mother later,” Pop said. “It’s wrong of me to monopolise you like this, only I thought with the carer being here today it’d be a good chance to catch up with one another.”
The only time they disagreed was over meals. He was very disapproving of how little she ate.
“But I’ll get fat if I eat too much, Pop. Like mum!”
He looked at her sternly. “I don’t ever want to hear you saying things like that about your mother. Our Laura isn’t fat and never has been. She has a lovely shape, just the sort a normal man likes. And even if she was fat, what would it matter? She’d still be Laura, the best daughter a man could have.”
Deb blinked at him. He couldn’t mean all that about what normal men liked, surely?
“You know, love, you’re far too thin. You’ve not got this anorexia thing, have you?”
“Anorexia? No, I just watch my weight.”
“Then you should watch that you put a bit on. A man likes a cosy armful, not a bag of bones, and that hasn’t changed whatever those silly fools who design the fashions think.”
She didn’t believe him, but then remembered suddenly the guy on the plane. He’d also said she was too thin. And he wasn’t Pop’s generation.
A little later she went to study herself in the full-length hall mirror, putting the light on and twisting to and fro, trying to see herself as others saw her and because it wasn’t a mirror she normally used, it seemed to show her differently. Her cheeks were hollow - were they too hollow? - and her arms were very bony. As for breasts, she hardly had any. She couldn’t see her legs because she was wearing jeans, but this hall mirror was merciless in revealing that her backside didn’t make the jeans curve as she’d expected it to when she twisted her body round. She moved her face closer to the mirror and frowned. Was Pop right? Could you actually be too thin?
She didn’t have anorexia, though, definitely not.
When she turned round he was standing in the doorway, looking at her sympathetically. “You’ve let yourself go, love, grieving for your father, but we’ll soon feed you up with good Lancashire grub. Eh, now!”
She hurled herself at him as a wave of grief for her father hit her, weeping and needing comforting as if she were still the child she’d been on their last visit. He held her in his thin old arms, patting her back and making soft sympathetic noises in her ear until the sobs faded.
“I’m sorry,” she muttered as she pulled away.
“What for? I’m just glad you weren’t on your own, that you had someone to give you a cuddle when you needed it. It’s good to cry out your grief.”
She plonked a quick kiss on his cheek, still embarrassed by her own outburst, but loving him to pieces. She couldn’t have had a better father or grandfather. And her mother was all right, really, in her own way.
When they went back into the kitchen, Gran was playing with her food, pushing it round and round the plate with her fingers, clearly fascinated by this activity. Deb saw the deep sadness come back to his face.
“Eh, look at her. She’s like a babby again. Sometimes I just let her play.”
“You’ve two babies to deal with tonight, I think,” Deb said, tearing off a piece of kitchen roll and using it to mop her face and blow her nose.
“Nay, you’re just a lass who’s recently lost her father.” He sat down next to his wife. “If you can’t cry for him, who can?”
“I don’t think Mum has.”
“Well, he didn’t treat her well, did he, towards the end? They’d not loved each other for a while, so it’s different for her. She probably did her crying a while ago, when they first drifted apart. But never doubt that she’s grieving for what she’s lost, and that includes him. Eh, they loved each other so much when they were young.”
“Did they really?”
He nodded. “Definitely. But sometimes that fades. Still, don’t let that affect your memories. Craig might have stopped being a good husband, but he was always a good father. On our last visit Mum and I could see that you were his favourite and he kept getting impatient with her. We didn’t think much of that, but we didn’t say anything. Sometimes you have to bite your tongue with your grown-up children.” He picked up his beaker. “This is stone cold. Would you make me another cup of tea, love?”
“Of course. Will I make one for Gran as well?”
“Just half a cup.”
Deb felt better than she had for a while, and to please Pop, she ate a chocolate biscuit. You couldn’t get fat on one self-indulgence, after all. She could still be careful of what she ate the rest of the time, just eat a little bit more.
Whatever Alex had said, she definitely wasn’t anorexic.
* * * *
Angie phoned her granddad after tea, as she did most days, and asked to speak to Deb afterwards. “Do you want to come out with me and Rick for a drink tonight?”
“Won’t I be in the way?”
“Not at all. Actually, his cousin’s just arrived from Australia, so I daresay the two guys will be nattering away, and I want someone to talk to on my night off.”
Deb looked across at her grandfather. “All right if I go out with Angie tonight?”
“Yes, love. Of course it is.”
She smiled at him, wishing she’d lived closer to him as a child and had more time with him, then turned back to the phone. “I’d love to come out with you, Angie.”
“We’ll pick you up at eight, then.”
Pop smiled at her as she put the phone down. “I like to see you young ones going out and enjoying yourselves.”
“You sure you’ll be all right?” Her eyes went to her grandmother.
“Of course I will, love. Me and Pat usually watch television together in the evening.” He chuckled. “I’ll probably doze in front of it and she’ll sit holding my hand. She still does that, you know, just like we did when we were young ’uns, and she still likes programmes with music best. I look forward to the evenings.”
It nearly broke her heart to see how determinedly cheerful he was and how unresponsive Gran was.
* * * *
Deb piled into the back of Rick’s car and only as they were setting off did she really notice his cousin, gasping in shock when she recognised him.
“This is Alex,” Angie said. “Alex, meet Deb.”
“Actually, we met on the plane. We were sitting next to one another.” He gave Deb a quizzical look, as if to ask whether they were speaking now.
She managed a smile, but her heart sank. Oh, no! Of all the people to be Rick’s cousin, it had to be him. She wished she hadn’t come out tonight.
As they crammed round a tiny table in the pub where Angie worked, Deb remembered to ask, “How’s your mother?”
“Calmer. She’ll be coming home again in a day or two, but they don’t think she should go back to work and we have to make sure she takes her tablets. Trouble is, she hates taking them.” She pulled a face. “Let’s not talk about her. Let’s just enjoy ourselves. It’s been a bit full-on lately at home.”
When the men were buying another round, Angie whispered, “He’s nice, isn’t he?”
“Rick? He’s a teddy bear.”
“Yes he is, but I meant his cousin.” She nudged
Deb. “I’d fancy him if I didn’t already fancy Rick.”
“Um - actually, I don’t fancy him. We had a couple of disagreements on the plane.”
Angie gazed at her in shock. “Oh, no! You’re not the - ” She broke off.
“What? What did he say about me?”
“Nothing.”
“You might as well tell me. I know it won’t be flattering.”
Angie shrugged. “He just said he was sitting next to a spoiled brat who didn’t eat anything, even though she was too thin already.”
Deb looked down at her beer mat. “Pop said I was too thin tonight as well. Do you think I am?”
“I thought that’s how you were. I mean, you don’t get much choice about the body type you’re born with, do you? I’m definitely on the plumper side of things.”
“You do think I’m too thin, then!”
“Well, you are if you don’t need to be. I read somewhere that guys really prefer girls with curves.” She grinned down at herself. “In which case I’m all right. I’m nothing but curves.”
Deb forced a smile to her face then looked round the pub. It was clearly a popular hangout for people her age. Nearly all the girls were fatter than she was - well, not fat exactly but more curvy - and most of them had fellows fussing over them. She didn’t have anyone, hadn’t had for a while, had worried about that. “My dad always said I had a perfect figure.”
“Look, Deb, I didn’t mean - ”
The guys came back just then with another round of drinks. Deb thanked them for her glass of white wine and sat quietly, listening to the two cousins talk. When she went to the Ladies, Angie went with her.
“I’m sorry if I’ve upset you,” she said bluntly.
Deb pursed her lips, not knowing what to say, then caught sight of herself unexpectedly in a big wall mirror. She walked past her cousin to stare at herself. “It’s not you. I’m just - not sure of anything at the moment.”
Angie suddenly stepped forward and gave her a hug. “Well, forget all that. Let’s just enjoy ourselves tonight. You’re still my favourite cousin whether you’re fat or scrawny.”
“You’ve only got two cousins.”
“Well, you’re my favourite.”
Deb found herself smiling, really smiling, at the other girl. It felt strange to have a relative of nearly her own age, nice though. Her dad’s parents had died when she was small and he was an only son, so there hadn’t been any cousins in Australia. But she’d always had Ryan. You weren’t supposed to get on with your brother. Most girls she knew complained about theirs. But hers was very special.
“I wish Ryan was here with us,” she said suddenly. “He’d love this family stuff. I do too. Even when things aren’t going well, you feel connected, don’t you?”
Angie nodded solemnly. “And I think your mum is the greatest. I couldn’t ask for a nicer aunt. She’s been really kind to me.”
Deb swallowed a sharp comment. It seemed that everyone liked her mother but her. Well, she didn’t dislike her, exactly. Just - didn’t feel to know her very well these days. Didn’t feel sure of how to deal with her.
Didn’t feel sure of anything since Dad died.
Chapter 19
After three more meals prepared together, Ryan raised his glass of wine to Caitlin. “Here’s to the cook!”
She raised her wine diluted with fizzy mineral water in response. “And here’s to the assistant cook! I think we make an excellent team.” She wished the words unsaid as soon as she’d spoken. It sounded so corny and obvious. What would he think of her? She stole a quick glance across the table and saw him frowning down at his glass.
As if he’d felt her gaze on him, he asked suddenly, “What did you see in Dad? He was so much older than you. I just can’t get my head around it.”
She couldn’t think what to say, how to answer that. It sounded such a simple question and yet the answer was complicated.
He made a dismissive gesture with his right hand. “Forget it. You’re still grieving for him. I was out of order. I think I’d better go home before I put my foot in it again. You have that effect on me, I’m afraid. I keep wanting to know more about you, to understand. It’s not just the child now. You must realise that by now, so if you don’t want me to come again . . . ”
She watched him run one hand through his hair and knew suddenly that she couldn’t hope for anything longer-term if their friendship was based on misunderstandings. She’d been terrified of this moment, but now it’d come she felt strangely calm. “I do want to keep seeing you. Come and sit down. I’ll tell you how I met Craig, why we - got together. It’s about time.”
He followed her across to the sitting area, gesturing to her to take the couch and sitting at right angles to her on a chair.
“Just a minute.” She went and switched off the lights in the dining alcove, leaving only one lamp glowing softly in the corner.
“I met Craig at the office party,” she began in a low voice. “Sounds corny, doesn’t it? Well, it was corny. Some people were a bit the worse for wear and this guy was pestering me. I didn’t know what to do. It’s not easy to fend off a drunk when he’s also your boss. Craig intervened, told him to leave me alone.” She wrapped her arms round her knees and was relieved when Ryan didn’t interrupt as she tried to get her thoughts into order. “I was flattered as well as relieved when your dad stayed beside me for a while chatting.”
“Did he come on to you then?”
“Heavens, no. He was seeing someone from the IT section. No, from then on he just said hello sometimes and stopped to ask how things were. I think he sensed I was a bit overwhelmed by working for a large company. I’d moved up from the country the year before and my leaving home was very much against my parents’ wishes, even at twenty-four. Silly, isn’t it? Most people would laugh at that.”
“I wouldn’t.”
“They belong to a fundamentalist religious sect, you see, and they didn’t understand why I needed to leave, didn’t like the idea of me mixing with outsiders. They were good parents in their own way. I never doubted they loved me. I just - couldn’t follow their beliefs. When I came to Perth I was a bit lonely and I think it showed. Craig was just being kind.”
The silence went on for so long Ryan prompted, “And then?”
“Then my cousin Barry turned up one day. He’d moved up to Perth too, and my parents had told him where I worked and suggested he keep an eye on me, though I’d asked them not to. He was hassling me to have dinner with him, insisting he wouldn’t take no for an answer when your father came down to Reception, saw what was happening and took my arm, apologising for being late for our date. We walked out together. Only I was so upset Craig really did take me out for a meal. He was so kind.”
“Yeah. He could be kind.” Especially to pretty young women. Ryan had seen it before, hated to think of his dad playing those games with Caitlin.
“Barry shouted after us that he’d see me another time and I blurted out to Craig that I was going to resign and move to the Eastern States. I meant it, too. Your dad took me on to a party after the meal and somehow I found myself smoking pot. I’d never done it before and I shan’t do it again. It was a gesture of defiance, I suppose. I don’t think he realised I’d never tried it and I didn’t want to show how naïve I was, but afterwards I felt strange, unreal and floaty, as if everything was at a distance.”
“I don’t like the stuff. It makes me feel irritable. Go on.”
“When we drove back to my flat, I saw Barry parked outside and got upset again. So Craig took me back to his place for the night. He said I could have the spare room. Only I wound up in his bed instead. It was my first time and he was very gentle, but the condom burst.” She stole a quick glance sideways and saw how darkly he was frowning. “Shall I go on?”
When he nodded, she took a deep breath. “I was terrified but he said we’d be very unlucky for me to get pregnant from just doing it once. Only we didn’t do it just once. I stayed with him all weekend and
we had fun.”
“I didn’t realise my father had a flat even before he moved out of home.”
“Yes. He’d had it for a while, I think.”
“Mum didn’t know about it.”
“So I gather. I felt awful sleeping with a married man, but he said she didn’t want him any more and they were getting a divorce.” She let out a bitter snort that was meant to be a laugh but failed. “I told you I was naïve. I actually believed that.”
“Go on.”
“Craig said I should take a restraining order out against Barry. Only what reason could I have given for that? He wasn’t sexually stalking me or anything. He was my cousin, trying to keep in touch because my parents had asked him to. Only - once we grew up, he changed and he made me feel nervous sometimes.”
She shivered and stopped talking for a moment, then took a deep breath and went on. “As soon as I left school Barry said he was going to marry me one day. He didn’t ask me, just told me. I told him it’d never happen, but he would only smile and say he’d find a way to change my mind.”
After a short pause, she said, “I don’t think he’d force sex on me or be violent or anything like that, but he’s implacable when he wants something. Like the way he insisted on taking me to my Graduation Ball when I wanted to go with a guy in my class. Barry told the guy I’d changed my mind, got my parents on side, and they refused to buy me a dress unless I went with him. I was so embarrassed. He would only do the slow dances, stopped me dancing with my friends, and wouldn’t let me drink any alcohol.”
She sighed. “My parents think Barry’s wonderful and they kept going on at me to see more of him. I didn’t give them my address, though I did phone them every now and then. Mum desperately wants me to give them grandchildren, you see, and I’d like a family too - though not like this.”
She sobbed suddenly and wished he’d hold her, but he sat there without moving, stony-faced now and not looking like the warm, friendly Ryan she knew and liked so much. She made a huge effort and managed not to cry. If she was going to disgust him, make his stop seeing her, better it happened sooner than later.