by Anna Jacobs
It seemed a very long afternoon.
* * * *
Deb went to what was rapidly becoming her favourite place, the wishing well. How stupid could you get, falling for that stuff? Only for some reason it soothed her to go there and she always tossed in a coin and wished for something. Not that her wishes came true, but it helped focus her thoughts on what she wanted.
This time she wished Ryan would leave Caitlin Sheedy behind in Australia.
She found a park bench nearby and sat down, hands thrust deep into her pockets because she’d forgotten her gloves. How could Ryan shack up with Caitlin? Deb felt at one with her mother on this. It just wasn’t decent.
“Mind if I join you?”
She looked up to see Alex standing beside her. She hadn’t even noticed him coming. “If you want. I won’t be good company, though.”
He shrugged and slouched down beside her, not saying anything.
She didn’t answer but after a while looked sideways at him. “I thought you were flat hunting.”
“I was. I have an hour between viewings. I often come here. The place has a good feel to it.”
“Yeah. I like it here too.”
“I’m sorry about your granddad.”
“Thanks. It was a shock. We’re all going to miss him.” She sighed. “It’s my brother I’m upset about today, though.”
“I’ve been told I’m a good listener.”
She couldn’t help it because she desperately needed to talk to someone about it, so told him about Ryan and her father’s mistress.
There was a long silence, then he said thoughtfully, “You’ve not heard the whole story yet, though, have you?”
“I’ve heard enough!”
“Yeah, but from what you’ve said about your brother, he wouldn’t do something like that lightly. Maybe you should wait to hear her side.”
Deb thought this over. “Ryan said her cousin was pestering her. But surely that’s no reason to bring her here at a time like this.”
Alex shrugged. “Who knows? The older I get, the more I try to hold back on making judgements.” He contemplated his feet, stretched out halfway across the path. “I broke up with my long-time girlfriend just before I left Australia - partly because I listened to what other people said instead of asking her. I regret that now. She was going to come with me. Instead she went off with a group of friends to India. I miss her.”
Deb stared at her own feet. “At least you had a girlfriend. No one seems to want to date me.”
“Don’t take this the wrong way, because the last thing I want to do is hurt you, but perhaps you’ve been too preoccupied with your father.”
“What?”
He held up one hand, palm in a halt position. “Let me finish, then you can give me your side. From what you’ve said, it’s because of your father’s influence you’re so thin, and you clearly cared more about him than you did about your mother. There’s nothing wrong with loving him but the pair of you sound to have shut her out. Perhaps you shut other people out too.”
The Deb who’d got on the plane in Australia would have flounced away in a huff. The Deb who’d seen her grandfather die and tried to care for her grandmother looked at Alex through a blur of tears and didn’t know what to say.
“Oh, hell! I didn’t mean to make you cry.” He pulled her into his arms. “I’m sorry. Of all the stupid timing, lecturing you when you’re grieving.”
She pulled back a little. “I’m not crying, just getting emotional and - I suppose you could be right. To some extent. Only I loved Dad so much and I miss him dreadfully. I always will.” After a pause she added quietly, “But he wasn’t fair to Mum, was he? And we did shut her out. I don’t even know how to talk to her, what to say, what not to say. I don’t feel I know anything any more.”
“Join the club. I offended my aunt yesterday with my swearing. I tried to tell her swearing doesn’t mean as much to Aussies, but she got all stiff and starchy with me. I really do need to move out. I’m not used to being treated as a child, asked where I’m going, told what time to be in by . . . ” He pulled a wry face at her then looked at his watch. “If you’ve nothing better to do, why don’t you come and help me look at this flat?”
It was quite a nice flat, small but comfortable and the living room had a view down the street instead of across back yards, which pleased Alex. The furniture was old-fashioned but clean and comfortable. Deb went to stand by the window while he signed an agreement with the agent and paid a deposit.
“Come and have a pub lunch with me?” he suggested. “I feel like celebrating.”
“I wish I could, but I have to get back and take my turn with Gran. Another time perhaps?”
“Yeah. Great. I’ll drive you back to where you parked the car.” He beamed round the room. “Can’t wait to move in.”
* * * *
Pop’s house looked cleaner than it had before and Gran was sitting quietly in the kitchen, rubbing the table top again.
“She won’t stop doing that,” Sue worried.
“Pop used to just let her do what she wanted if it wasn’t damaging anything.”
They both watched Gran for a minute or two, then Sue said, “Trev rang to say the funeral’s set for the day after tomorrow.”
“I’ll have to see if I’ve got any black clothes.”
A voice behind them said, “I can probably lend you something.”
Deb turned to see her cousin standing in the doorway, still pale, but looking much better. “Did you get a nap?”
“Yes.” Angie looked at her mother. “You’ve been clearing up.”
Sue stiffened. “It needed clearing up. I haven’t gone overboard. It really did need it.”
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to criticise.” She looked at her grandmother. “She behaves better for you than for me.”
They all looked at the old woman and there was one of those rare moments where Pat smiled back at them, briefly looking her old self. Then the smile faded.
Sue moved over to them and said in a low voice, “Your father rang Social Services and they’re arranging somewhere for Mum - for after the funeral.” She folded the dishcloth up with great precision and laid it on the draining board. Then she picked the cloth up again to wipe the nearby surface before putting it down and muttering, “Immaculate. This part is now immaculate. Look girls, I’d better get back now. It’s time for my next pill. Will you two be all right? Good. Trev said he’d pop round to see you on his way home from work.”
When she’d gone, the two girls looked at one another.
“I don’t know what I’ll do after the funeral,” Angie said. “I’ve been lying there worrying about it. I definitely don’t want to go home and I know Mum’s better off without me around.”
“We’ll think of something. I’m going to be homeless soon as well.” Deb gestured around her. “Never thought I’d want to stay on here, but where else can I go?” Then she paused and stared at Angie. “How about . . . ”
“How about what?”
“We could share a flat, if you liked.”
Angie beamed at her, then her smile faded. “I don’t have enough money saved up for a deposit and there are other setting-up expenses.”
“I have plenty of money. You can pay me back later. Or will you be going back to university now?”
“Not yet. I’ve taken the whole year off. I don’t go back till next September. If then.” She sighed. “It all depends on Rick, really. I like him a lot.”
“Yeah, he’s a nice guy. But you still should get your degree. Marriages can break up, then you’d need qualifications. Anything is better than being a clerk, believe me. I should have gone to uni or something.”
“Well, it’s not too late.”
Deb looked at her and said slowly, “No, it isn’t, is it? And I can afford it with the money Dad left me. You are going to finish your degree, aren’t you?”
“I suppose so. I always wanted to be a primary school teacher. I love little kids.”
“Then go for it. If Rick’s worth anything, he’ll want you to and he’ll wait for you.” Deb grimaced. “Listen to me doling out advice! What do I know about anything?” She stared down at herself. “I don’t even know what weight I want my body to be and I still worry if I eat more than a tiny meal.”
“You were well on your way to anorexia, I reckon.”
“Yeah. That’s what my last boyfriend said. He couldn’t bear to see me picking at food, said I was no fun to take out.”
“And were you?”
“What, fun or picky?”
“On your way to anorexia?”
Deb stared at her, then nodded.
Angie gave her a hug, her voice gentle. “Everyone has some problem or other, you know.”
“Look - if you’d rather not share a flat, I won’t be offended. Honestly. Maybe I’m pushing you too hard.
Angie smiled at Deb. “I want to. Truly I do. But only if you promise to eat more - and regularly. And not to get mad at me if I’m untidy.”
“I promise.” She chuckled. “Actually, I’ll need the same promise from you. I’m not very tidy either.”
* * * *
Ryan and Caitlin got off the plane in Manchester. “You look exhausted,” he worried as they went to pick up their luggage. “I’m going to take you to a hotel, then I’ll go and see Mum on my own.”
He picked up the hire car and asked directions to a hotel. When they parked outside the one which had been recommended, he didn’t get out straight away, but asked, “Are we sharing a room? We can do whatever you’re most comfortable with. I won’t be offended, I promise you.”
“I’d expected to share. Though I’m not able to . . . ” Her voice trailed away and she blushed furiously.
“It’ll be nice to be together. I hope you don’t snore, though.” He was pleased to draw a faint smile from her at that. “After I’ve got you settled in, I need to go and see Mum.”
But he hadn’t slept much on the plane and was so tired he couldn’t stop yawning as they inspected their room. When he sat down “just for a minute” he nodded off in the chair.
Caitlin watched him then shook his shoulder. “Give your mum a quick phone call, Ryan. You’re too tired to drive. I’ll use the bathroom while you phone her.”
He picked up the receiver and dialled.
A man’s voice said, “Hello?”
“Is that Mr Mallinder?”
“Yes.”
“This is Laura’s son, Ryan. I’ve just arrived in England. Could I speak to Mum, please?”
“Of course. I’ll go and fetch her.” Kit limped along to the kitchen and poked his head inside. “Your son’s on the phone.”
“Thanks.” Laura turned round from the sink, stripped off her rubber gloves and picked up the wall phone.
Kit went back to his office, hating the way she was shutting him out. But he didn’t intend to let this stand-off continue for much longer.
* * * *
“Ryan?” She couldn’t stop her voice from wobbling, wanted so much to see him - but only him.
“Hi, Mum. We just got here, but I’m falling asleep on my feet, so I can’t come to see you yet. I’d be a menace on the road.”
“When you come, don’t bring her with you.”
“Mum, we’re a couple now.”
“You’re getting married?”
“No, we’re living together. Neither of us wants to leap into anything. We’re just taking things gently. And it wouldn’t hurt if you did the same. I’ve been honest with you. Now give us a fair go. I’ll tell you the rest when I see you face to face. I think that’ll help you understand her better. Until then, please trust me.”
She could feel the anger simmering inside her again. Wouldn’t hurt to take things gently, indeed! She could write a book about what would and wouldn’t hurt. It hurt when your husband started playing around, it hurt when he left you for a girl young enough to be his daughter - but it hurt most of all when your son took up with the same girl. Just as she was about to open the floodgates to her anger, she heard Ryan yawn then a woman’s voice in the background and snapped her lips shut. That woman wasn’t going to hear her lose her rag.
Neither spoke for a few seconds then she asked in a voice which sounded more like her sister’s, “Where are you?”
He told her the name of the hotel and the phone number.
She told him the place and time of Pop’s funeral.
They agreed to meet the following day.
Then they said goodbye.
They could have been total strangers, polite but with nothing in common.
She put the phone down and leaned her head against the nearest cupboard, felt herself being turned round and sagged for a moment into Kit’s arms. Then remembered that he too had betrayed her and wrenched herself away.
“Laura, come and talk about it. You’re upset and - ”
“It’s none of your business how I feel! And I don’t want to talk about it, to you or anyone else! Now let me get my work done or I’ll not feel as if I’m earning my money.”
As he stepped back she saw his expression grow tight and angry too, nearly reached out to him to say she did want to be with him. Remembered Jules’s voice coming from his bedroom and couldn’t.
“I’ll have dinner in my office tonight then, Laura, and leave you to wallow in self-pity and take out your anger on the housework.”
After which she made sure she worked very quietly indeed.
Self-pity! How dare he accuse her of that?
She wasn’t in self-pity mode . . . was she?
Chapter 30
On the day of the funeral Laura overslept. She’d had a bad night, alternating between anger and grief, lying awake for hours, at first listening to the odd car drive past, then the faint sound of the wind, swishing the branches of the trees, rattling small things. It was the wind which lulled her to sleep eventually.
It wasn’t till Kit came into the bedroom and shook her awake that she came out of the very heavy sleep into which she’d fallen at nearly five o’clock.
“What? What’s the matter?”
“Laura, I think you need to get up. You said the funeral was at eleven and it’s nine now.”
She stared at him in shock. “It can’t be!”
“It is. I’ve made some coffee. Shall I do you some toast?”
“Please. And - thanks, Kit. I’m sorry I was so - abrupt with you yesterday.”
His smile was warm again. “You were downright rude, but I forgive you. Now, get yourself ready.”
She raced around like a madwoman, hesitating only when she picked up the black dress she usually wore for dinner parties and donned it together with the new black jacket she’d found in a shop near the supermarket. She’d be cold, but never mind. She wanted to do things properly for her dad.
When she went down, Kit had some breakfast ready. She nibbled at the fruit and tried to eat the toast, but gave it up, looking across the table at him apologetically. “I’m sorry. It was kind of you. But I’m not hungry.”
“Well, you’ve eaten a little. It’ll have to do. Don’t go fainting on everyone.”
“No, of course not. I’m not the fainting type.”
“Know where you’re going?”
She nodded and went up to finish getting ready, coming down just as he was crossing the hall.
“You look very elegant, but don’t you have a coat?”
“Only an anorak. I’m not going to Dad’s funeral in an anorak.”
“No. Of course not.” He walked with her to the door. “Drive carefully.”
She nodded.
Several minutes later she got out of her car and gave in to the temptation to kick it! When she turned she saw Kit coming out of the door, wearing a dark overcoat.
“It won’t start?” he asked.
“No. Do you know anything about cars?”
“A little. But I think it’d be better if I drove you there in mine. I won’t intrude, but I don’t think y
ou’re in the right frame of mind to drive safely anyway.”
She opened her mouth to say she was perfectly capable of driving, then looked down at the ground and admitted to herself that he was right. What with a sleepless night and her grief for her father, she felt as if everything was surreal today. “Thank you.”
“Come on, then.”
It wasn’t till they got to his new car that she realised he was holding her hand.
He looked down at their joined hands and then sideways at her. “I’d like to come to the funeral with you - just in case you need someone. Would that upset your family?”
“I don’t know. But I’m feeling in need of a friend. I’m sorry I shut you out before, but I was so angry! Ryan’s intending to bring her to the funeral, says they’re a couple now and if we reject her, we reject him. I’m having a hard time facing that.”
“I’m not surprised.”
“I keep telling myself he’s still my son, so I can’t give in to my feelings or I might alienate him for ever, but I don’t know if I can hold them back not if I have to be with her. I feel furious every time I think of them being together.”
There was a short silence, then he asked, “Has he explained how she can change so quickly from one man to another?”
“No. He says I’ll feel differently once I understand.”
“Is he a reasonable sort of guy?”
She shrugged. “I suppose so. He’s always been mature for his age, and he’s settled down still further since he left university. He was very supportive towards me when Craig died.”
“Then perhaps you should withhold judgement and do what he asks, give them a chance to explain?”
“I don’t know if I’m that self-controlled.”
“You don’t want to lose him, though.”
She looked down at her clasped hands. No, she didn’t. She’d lost too many people lately.
They rest of the drive to the Chapel of Rest, where Ron Cleaton’s body was waiting for them, passed in near silence. She was grateful that Kit didn’t try to make small talk.