Now he owed her a debt, a very big debt. It would take the rest of his life to pay her back, he would gladly pay it with love and with devotion, and he would more than willingly pay it. Love so overwhelming rushed through him, he placed a kiss on her brow and swore to protect her and their children forever and love them for a lifetime and if it was possible from beyond. He cuddled her closer and closed his eyes knowing he held something so very precious in his arms.
PREVIEW
THE MATHEWS MEN
BOOK TWO
JESSE
THE FOOLISH DECISION
PROLOGUE
Damn it to hell, what in the bloody hell have I done? Jesse’s mind screamed the words loudly inside his head as he slowly opened his eyes and finally his sanity came rushing back to him. With guilt and disgust lashing through him, he rolled off the woman beneath him; fell on to his back covering his eyes with his arm. Taking in great gulping breathes as he tried to work out how he could have let such a thing happen and try to work out what he should do about it now.
When his mind eventually began to clear, his anger at himself grew within him with each harsh breath he took. What the hell am I going to do now? His mind screamed as he once again felt guilt rush through him.
He just made love to a virgin, an innocent, a woman he had didn’t have any right to touch and a woman that deserved better and much more than he was willing to give. To his shame, he not only made love to her but he also left his seed deep inside of her, which would complicate things even further. Dropping his arm away, he turned his head slightly and looked worriedly at the woman laying in the hay beside him and seeing the ecstasy still on her beautiful face sucked in his breath.
Her rich auburn air hair spread out framing her face, her body lay like a shimmering pearl as it glistened in the moonlight. As his gaze slowly swept over her, he felt himself start to harden again. Disgusted at his lack of willpower, he silently cursed and stood up quickly reaching for his pants, he jerkily pulled them on hastily. With his back to her, he hurriedly did up the buttons and growled out. “Get dressed Camon and be quick about it.” Jesse’s voice came out harsh with guilt as he pulled on his shirt, he turned to look over his shoulder to see if she obeyed him and relief washed through him when he saw dressing.
Camon still trying to come to grips with what she and Jesse just shared, never in all her life did she think making love would be so overwhelmingly dazzling. Jesse made her body sing with ecstasy, even now, she still tingled from head to toe, but she grew disappointed when he moved off her. When she saw him jump to his feet she frowned, hoping that he did not regret the beautiful experience they just shared.
Because Lord help her, she didn’t regret it; in fact, she hoped that very soon she could experience the mind consuming rapture again. Sitting up frowning at the harshness of Jesse’s voice, she brushed the hair from her face. Biting her lip, she looked at his taut muscled back worriedly. Somehow she knew deep within her heart that now he did regret making love to her.
Her lips tightening so she wouldn’t cry, she reached for her nightgown and pulled it on. Still she wondered why Jesse now seemed so angry. It appeared as though he never wanted what they shared between them to happen at all. Lord help her, she wanted him to kiss and touch her from the moment he first rode up to the house. Taking a deep breath, she rose to her feet.
“Jesse what’s wrong? Why are you so angry? Is it because of what we have done? Please Jesse tell me you’re not angry because of it?” She stood looking up at him, wringing her hands, her deep green eyes pleading with him.
Silently cursing, Jesse slowly, reluctantly turned to face Camon. “What in the bloody hell have I done, don’t you mean Camon? What happened is entirely my fault.” He ran a hand through his long golden hair and looked sadly at her, taking a harsh deep breath he stared over the top of her head and spoke again in a tight voice filled with contempt for himself. “Look Camon this should never have happened, you should never have come out here, and I should have never have let things get out of hand. Damn it all Camon I told you I was leaving, you didn’t do this to keep me here did you?”
The thought hit him hard but looking at the hurt and astonishment on her face, he knew she never planned such a thing and felt another wave of guilt swamp him for thinking she would. She is too sweet and too innocent to try to use such a way to keep him.
Camon felt her eyes swim with tears at Jesse’s cruel words and accusation, she also felt devastated that he regretted what they shared, but most of all his words of leaving nearly overwhelmed her with heartache.
Guilt once again riddled him at the desolation he saw on her face. “I’m sorry I didn’t mean it, look Camon this should never have happened, and I am a real bastard for letting it.” He silently cursed himself when he saw the stunned hurt look on Camon’s face. Jesse also noticed the tears that came into her large green eyes, and once again, he ran a hand through his long blonde hair, feeling the heavy weight of remorse set firmly on his shoulders.
Hell, things suddenly became such a bloody mess and staring down at her, he knew that he would cause her even more heartache. Turning away from her, he could not look into her wounded green eyes or face a moment longer. Because he knew if he did, he would never be able to leave her and leave her he would. It was even more imperative that he leave now, because he knew if he stayed, he would make love to her again, and he could never let it happen a second time.
Hearing his words, Camon felt her heart ripping apart into tiny pieces. She thought Jesse loved her as much as she loved him and that is why she came out to the barn to be with him. Why had she given herself to him? How could I have been so wrong? It seemed that Jesse did not care for me at all.
Anxiously she watched him quickly saddle his horse, her heart twisted in her chest, as the realization of what he intended doing slowly sunk in. She kept trying to push the horrendous thought from taking hold. Not until he started stowing his gear on the back of his horse that everything seemed to sink in and the reality of what would happen next filled her.
“Jesse I don’t understand. Please, what are you doing? You’re not really going to just ride off and leave me. I thought you loved me as I love you. Please Jesse let's just talk about this, I know you were planning to leave in a few days, but can’t we talk about this?” Hearing herself pleading, she quickly swallowed the rest of her words when she saw that Jesse just kept packing his gear, ignoring her.
She straightened her shoulders waiting for him to turn around and answer her, but as he kept on ignoring her, she felt her anger grow through the pain and devastation filling her. As she waited for him to answer, the realization dawned on her that maybe Jesse only used her for his own pleasure and satisfaction. Her body stiffened at the horrible thought, and as she continued to watch him, she became not only furious but also deeply ashamed of what they just shared. How could she have been so wrong?
However, she wanted more than anything to strike out at him, to somehow cause him as much pain as he caused her. She didn’t know how. Instead, she remained standing there watching him and slowly growing angrier as she waited for him to finally turn and face her. Having given him her love and the most precious gift, he seemed to be coldly ignoring how much pain his actions hurt her and she almost hated him for the cold way he now treated her.
Jesse heard her words and fought the need to turn around and take her in his arms, to tell her how much he cared for her but stopped himself. Instead, he hardened his emotions and kept on getting ready to leave. Even knowing that he must be hurting her, he knew that it was best if he left now. Damn it all, I’m not ready to settle down, I’m not ready for a wife, he silently kept telling himself over and over.
With her hands resting on her hips, watching him, her anger building with every moment he ignored her, Camon watched as he turned to lead his horse out of the barn. Quickly, she stepped in his way to stop him from going any further. Swinging her arm back and making a fist, she hit him in the eye as hard as she could. He
r fist smarted so bad she wondered if she might have broken it. However, she would not let him see that it hurt her as much she hoped that it hurt him. By the stunned look on his face, she felt some small satisfaction.
Unprepared for Camon’s fist hitting him, Jesse’s hand came up, and he covered his eye. “Bloody hell, I guess I deserve that. Look Cam I’m real sorry, I never meant for this to happen. And I do care for you. I really do, but you have to understand I ain’t ready to settle down or marry. I have plans.” His hand dropped away from his smarting eye, he knew by the look on her beautiful angry face that he was doing a very bad job of making her understand at all.
It seemed his words not only hurt her but also angered her even more. “Please Cam try to understand, you knew I planned on leaving.” He moved to stand in front of her; he reached out to take her in his arms. However, she took a step back out of reach and his arms dropped to his sides. Taking a deep breath, he took off his hat and raked his fingers through his hair.
“Please Camie, honey I never meant for this to happen. Believe me Cam, I would do anything to change what just happened between us, but I can’t. I just wish I could, but you knew that I never intended staying.” Jesse hung his head feeling like the lowest of the lowest of human beings he could ever imagine.
Each of his words was like a slap across her face, each word he spoke tore at her heart. It seemed as if her love and the gift of her innocence meant nothing to him. She felt dirty and cheap. Camon took a deep shaky breath and stiffened her spine, there would be no way in hell, she intended to let this man know how each word he spoke struck like a knife and pieced her heart.
“I wish too that I had not been so foolish to have thought that you loved me, it was a mistake. A mistake that I will regret for the rest of my life and yes, I think maybe it is best that you leave. However, before you go, I would like to thank you for tonight, I’m sure I will become quite good at what we did with a bit more practice, don’t you think so Jesse? Now don’t let me keep you I can see that you’re in a hurry.” Turning her back to him, she walked out the barn, but as she cleared the doorway, she turned to face him, her eyes green chips of ice.
“I really was a fool, I really thought you were different Jesse someone special, I guess I was wrong about what sort of man you were and a lot of other things as well. Just one more thing, make sure you never come back here again Jesse. Because if you ever do I’ll shoot you on sight, no questions asked, I never want to lay eyes on you ever again.” Without another word, she turned and headed for the house, making sure she did not turn around, run back into his arms again, and beg him to stay with her. No matter how much she wanted to.
For a long time Jesse stood where she left him, his fists clenched and unclenched at his sides, stunned and hurt by her words. Even though he knew that he deserved each of her hateful words she said, he also felt angry at her threat to do what they just shared with someone else. Feeling something withering and die deep inside of him, he suddenly realized that he might just have lost something very special.
Earlier when he looked into her cold green eyes and saw the hurt and loathing, he knew he had. He couldn’t blame her for feeling as she did or for the things she said. He used her and then treated her callously. At the moment he hated and loathed himself. Nevertheless, he could not stay, he needed to go home, he has already been away too long, and there were also his plans for the future.
Plans that did not include a woman. Turning away, he swung up in his saddle and rode away. Still he felt empty inside, and it grew stronger with every step his horse took him away from the woman he left behind.
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