by Faith Hogan
‘Ah yes, but you are not finished with London yet,’ she said, smiling.
‘Why do you say that?’
‘Claudia, of course. You may love it here, Todd, but I can’t see Claudia settling in for a winter of gale force winds and wellingtons.’
‘No?’ She was right, but he had bought the castle for Claudia, hadn’t he? It seemed strange to think of that now, funny almost. Claudia would never settle here. This place, it just seemed to throw up the differences between them even more than before his heart attack.. ‘Can I tell you something?’
‘Oh, Todd, at this stage you could probably tell me anything and I won’t be shocked. I’ve spent over a decade as a divorce lawyer, I’ve probably dealt with the lowest humanity has to offer.’ She smiled now, realizing the implication, ‘Of course, I wouldn’t put you in that category.’
‘Maybe you should.’ He smiled back at her, feeling suddenly light. ‘Claudia doesn’t want the papers to know that when I had my heart attack there was someone else there. A woman I met at the gig the night before. I couldn’t remember anything about meeting her, but I’m sure…’ It was worse saying it here, to Kate. ‘I probably have her to thank for the fact that I’m alive today. She called the medics, she saved my life.’ He shook his head. It was the first time it had occurred to him, he had not even said thanks.
‘You don’t need to tell me this, Todd.’ The lightness had abandoned her voice.
‘I need to tell someone. I need to get it straight in my head. Since I came here, it all seems so far away, London, the band, Claudia, and I’m not sure that I ever want to go back to any of it.’
‘You’ve had a lot of… stress, first the tour, then your heart attack, even moving here, Todd. And your heart attack, that changes things, it has to remind you of your own mortality.’
‘I have a sense that this place is helping to clear my mind. It’s helping me to set things straight.’
‘God, you’ve gone very deep and meaningful.’ Kate was laughing at him again.
‘I’ve been such a shit, all my life, not just to you. Isn’t it about time I got deep and meaningful?’ He stopped now, held her eyes for a moment. ‘It is between us though, yeah. Claudia would skin me if she thought I said anything. Her worst fear is the press getting hold of the fact that I had fling while we were technically meant to be madly in love.’ Todd sighed, but at least he felt lighter, perhaps the mists were clearing now.
‘But you weren’t,’ Kate inclined her head, ‘madly in love?’
‘Oh, Kate, I was very stupid. Like before, I suppose I didn’t know what I had. I was ready to throw it all away. If it wasn’t for my heart attack… well, like I said, it’s given me reason to think and count my blessings.’ Todd squinted at the dying sun he’d said far too much. The truth was, he wasn’t sure what he felt for Claudia any more, but what he’d done to her in Atlantic City was unforgivable and even he knew she deserved more than that.
22
Iris, 1957
The summer season seemed to make the weeks rush by and Iris felt like she spent much of the time in a tailspin between the hotel and the organizing committee for the summer ball. Most days she made time to drop in to see Oisín Armstrong. He seemed to be getting stronger before her eyes, but she had a feeling this was just wishful thinking on her behalf.
‘It’s awful good of ye,’ Mrs Armstrong said over and again each time she called. Sometimes Iris brought something small, like an apple cake or a pint of cream leftovers after the dinner rush. Often, she just came as she was and took the child out for a walk along the pier in his huge pram. On those walks, she dared to imagine she was walking along some anonymous rue in Paris and the child with her was the one who dominated her thoughts and dreams.
‘Nonsense, we’re enjoying organizing it, and it’ll be good for everyone in Ballytokeep. The hotel is booked solid and all the shops will get the benefit too.’
‘My husband says that he’ll hardly have time to go out fishing for the week with all the visitors he has booked on the boat for trips out to sea.’
‘There you go.’
Iris was thoroughly enjoying the organizing of the festival. Already, they had sold far more tickets than they had hoped for. She met up with Robert a couple of times, down at the bathhouse. They had little to discuss at this stage, everything was agreed and Robert had gotten a second run of tickets for the night of the ball printed free of charge by the local printing company. More often than not, he poured her a large glass of sherry or Drambuie and they sat by the dying fire talking about whatever came into their heads. Sometimes she forgot the huge attraction she felt towards him, but then he would catch her eye, or make her laugh, or rub his hand too close to her and she would feel that urge shiver through her like electrical current. She was swimming out of her depth, but she knew, she couldn’t go back to shore, not even if she wanted to. Guilt about how she felt for Archie or Gemma just seemed to fly out the window when she was alone with Robert.
‘Are you happy, Iris?’ Archie asked her one evening as they strolled along the pier.
‘Of course.’ she looked towards him, but the sun obscured his eyes from her. ‘I mean, I know every day is really busy, but I’m enjoying working in the hotel and I love Ballytokeep.’
‘I can see that.’
‘So, why did you ask?’ she rounded on him, stepping before him so she could look into his eyes. ‘Are you happy?’
‘Yes,’ he hesitated slightly and she thought her heart might break.
‘But?’ She moved in nearer to him. He was always so restrained, but when they stood this close, she could hear his breath, soft but ragged. Her own heart began to thrum faster in her chest, matching his connection, desire between them strong when he let her close.
‘No, there are no buts. This is where I know I am going to live the rest of my days. I know that, I have always known that. I can see you’re happy here. I suppose what you have to ask yourself is if you are happy in the hotel? Or if perhaps you wouldn’t be happier in the bathhouse?’
‘How do you mean, that you think I should work in the bathhouse instead of in the hotel?’ Iris felt the air leave her lungs as though they were punctured, it was the last thing she expected. Archie still loved her, she was sure of that – but he was so damn honourable – she wanted him for once to sweep her off her feet, cast away her doubts and take her so there was no room left for Robert or Willie. Or Mark? No, she would never forget Mark.
‘No, of course not.’ He looked out to sea, his eyes seeming to cast towards something so far off into the distance they were lost to her for a moment. ‘I love you Iris. I’ve loved you from the first moment we met, but I sense…’
‘I’ve told you how I feel about you Archie. If this is about Robert again, I’ve told you that all we are doing is organizing the…’
‘It’s not about the Summer Ball, Iris. It’s about feelings that I believe go much deeper than that for you.’ The words were low, hung heavy with emotion. They hurt Iris far more than she had any right to feel, because they had a great deal of truth buried in them.
‘Archie, if you have something to ask me, you need to say it, because I’m becoming very tired of this conversation.’ She turned on her heels. It was true. Sometimes, when she watched Robert and Gemma together she felt so ridiculously jealous. Then sanity would return and she reminded herself that Robert was bad news for her. Robert was the kind of man who could take her world and turn it upside down, empty her out and then discard her as if she meant nothing. He was cut of the same cloth as William Keynes.
‘You know there is something I want to ask you, but I’m not sure that you’re ready for it.’ He placed his arms about her and then held her at arm’s length. ‘I adore you, Iris, and I want to marry you, but I’m not sure that you feel the same for me.’
‘Oh, Archie,’ she had not expected him to propose now. Maybe, after the summer, when things were quieter, the fact that he did, only served to sweep her more totally along on the happ
y rush of young, true love. She reached her arms around his neck, fell into his arms, that simmering attraction obvious when she leant her body against his. He was the man for her there was no doubt in her mind about that. In these moments, alone with Archie, she knew that what she felt for Robert meant nothing. It was just attraction, not love, not really – it would pass whereas, what she felt for Archie seemed to grow deeper each day.
‘No, listen to me.’ He held her at arm’s length, his eyes drilling into her face so there was no fudging their intentions. ‘Robert will always be a part of our lives. He will always be there. If you feel anything for him, if there was anything between you, well…’
‘It wouldn’t be right. I understand that, Archie, but I have told you, nothing has happened.’ She wanted him to believe her so badly; she wanted him to hold her, pull her close against him and put his arms around her again. She craved his lips upon hers and she heard the urgency in her own voice. Far out, the gulls cried, a lonely sound that wailed like a chorus to her desperation.
‘I’m sure nothing has happened and even if it had, I don’t think that would worry me so much as what could happen in the future, if you felt…’
‘But Archie,’ she searched for the words, honest words and then she found them. ‘I’ve never felt for him what I do for you. I don’t think I ever could. Don’t you see? I have met men like Robert before. Men that are full of charm, but it’s empty. They have nothing to offer, only what they can take.’ That was the truth as she knew it in her heart, and surely she could overcome what was only physical attraction, no matter how strong the current of it.
‘Darling Iris.’ He pulled her close, his arms strong around her. ‘Oh, Iris, I love you so much, I’m sorry for doubting you.’ His body shuddered and she could hear his heart thumping hard and fast in his chest. The sound thrilled her, reminding her that he wanted her and the real passion that smouldered between them, when he let it. Eventually he stood back from her, just a little, looked down into her eyes. ‘I just want everything to be right. Oh, God, Iris, I’d love to take you now, but I want to do things properly.’ She could see tears, just sitting inside the rims of his eyes. ‘Marry me?’
‘Oh, Archie. Yes. I’ll marry you.’ It was her fairy tale ending. In that moment, standing in his arms, she put aside thoughts of her position just a year earlier. Perhaps it would make up to her mother for all the trouble she caused and she so wanted to marry Archie. She did, she wanted to be Mrs Archie Hartley, to one day be the mistress of the hotel and know she had a husband who would look after them both until they grew into old age. ‘I’m so happy; we could announce it at the summer ball?’ Iris said as they made their way towards the pier. She felt, as though everything was settled; she would marry Archie, and Robert would marry Gemma, and Paris was a very long way away from all of them. It was the right thing to do, wasn’t it?
*
‘So, my brother has finally popped the question,’ Robert said the next night they met at the bathhouse. They were sitting, either side of a small dying fire, sipping dry sherry, having agreed the final plans for the Summer Ball.
‘Oh, he told you?’
‘No, as it happens. Archie has never shared the details of his love life with me, riveting though I’m sure they are.’ He laughed, a little cruelly, and then looked at her. ‘Mama told me, but I’m happy for you.’
‘Really, are you?’ She felt a little of her happiness deflate. Had she expected Robert to fight for her? Perhaps, all these weeks, she’d been kidding only herself. He had Gemma now, what she felt was only one-sided. His tone gave nothing away, but Iris couldn’t help but feel that she’d somehow missed something.
‘Surprised? Of course, I am happy for you. Never actually believed old Archie had it in him. I thought maybe you’d both settle into lonely spinsterhood there for a while, at least while my parents were alive, or as long as you might have passions worth having.’
‘That’s mean,’ Iris said, but she sipped her drink, not moving to leave.
‘I didn’t intend it to be. You know, that in the beginning, before…’
‘Before you met Gemma?’
‘Gemma? Oh, yes, before I met Gemma, well I thought you and I would make a smashing couple – we would have been the talk of the county of course, for all the right reasons.’
‘Oh, Robert – you’re incorrigible.’ She laughed at him for a moment, but his eyes seemed to harden so she wasn’t sure if he was joking any more.
‘But then I saw you don’t want that, you just want a quiet invisible life and you’ll have that with Archie.’
‘Robert, I think you’re being really cruel about Archie and maybe about me too.’
‘But Iris, there is nothing wrong with that. With the right woman, maybe that is what I would want too. Just to close my front door each evening and ravish you.’ His eyes were drinking her in and she filled with tingling nerves that felt like they might own her. ‘Of course, not you, not now you’re going to marry my brother, but you know, someone…’ he was almost embarrassed. Iris suspected it was more difficult than a slip of the tongue to embarrass Robert Hartley. ‘Perhaps I should propose to Gemma now?’ he said absently. ‘Make a double day out of it? What do you think?’
‘Robert, I’m sure you care little for what anyone thinks, and less for what I think.’ She smiled as she sipped her sherry, happy that they had moved away from the brittle subject of her relationship with Archie.
‘You don’t mean that,’ Robert said now, bending across to top up her glass of sherry. ‘I care very much what you think of me, I have from the beginning, you know that.’
‘Yes, but you have Gemma now, so…’ She finished off her drink rather too quickly.
‘Yes, I have Gemma and she is perfect,’ the words cut a little into Iris’s happiness, but she ignored that. She had made her choice and she was happy with it, wasn’t she?
‘So, there’ll be a big announcement at the Summer Ball?’ he said as he filled a glass of brandy for them both. ‘That’s only a week away now; old Archie will have to get you a ring organized fairly fast.’
‘Oh, I’m sure he’ll see to that in his own good time,’ Iris said. Then she thought about her lovely engagement ring; she had a feeling Archie had already set about it. She picked something out for him, well, pointed him in the general direction of what she hoped he would buy.
‘I’m sure he will,’ Robert said. ‘Well, bottoms up.’ He held up his glass and clinked it with hers.
She had never drunk brandy before. The liquid was hot and fiery in her mouth, she felt a wave of sweat wash over her and watched as he topped up her glass again, but it was as though she was outside herself looking on.
By the time she stood to leave, she felt dizzy. Perhaps she was tipsy? He smiled as he held her coat out for her. The gesture seemed too personal, but Iris told herself not to be so churlish. She gathered it around her, aware of him still close to her, that familiar achy craving brushing through her once more.
‘I should walk you back to the hotel?’ he said.
‘No, I’m fine.’ She said and he didn’t offer again. He was not as enthusiastic as usual and Iris wondered if, in the announcement of her engagement, she had lost some of her attractiveness. She shrugged it off; see it as a blessing, she told herself as she set off on the dark and lonely road back to the hotel that night. This was probably the last night she’d spend in Robert’s company. After the summer ball, there would be no reason to carry on dropping down here. Everything would change once Archie announced their engagement. The thought suddenly filled her with something she could not place. It was an emotion that sat somewhere between fear and loneliness, perhaps it was the drinks, and now the fresh air seemed to magnify her panic.
She doubled back, quickly, before she changed her mind. She knocked loudly at the door of the little tearooms just as Robert was switching off the last of the lights. The hammering on the heavy door brought him running quickly. When he opened it, she was not sure who kissed wh
o first, but she knew that she clung onto him as though her life depended on it. They kissed passionately before he pulled her inside, banging the door behind her. He carried her upstairs, his heavy breathing laboured with longing that felt like it might consume them both if it was not answered. When they made love, it was long and searching, urgent, painful and glorious. She had never experienced anything like it. She cried as she lay in his arms afterwards, but not for Archie, and that shamed her. She cried, because this would be all she would have with Robert and she feared that anything else would be second best by comparison.
*
Present
Iris knew why Kate was so interested in the Hartley family history. It was not, as Archie suspected because of her love of the bathhouse. Although she did not correct him when he shared the opinion one evening as they sat outside the hotel, looking towards the dying sun. Rather, Kate wanted to know as much as she could about the family she was part of – if only through Iris’s marriage.
It was good that she was spending time with Colin Lyons; Iris hoped that they’d make a go of things. Most nights, it seemed to Iris, Colin dropped in to visit Kate. Colin was quiet and loyal, nothing like Todd Riggs. Iris didn’t want to like Todd, not once she knew what he had done to Kate, but she didn’t get to choose whether she would like him or not. In the end, it had come down to Archie. ‘He’s a good bloke,’ Archie said after Todd had found him wandering on the beach. ‘Doesn’t talk any nonsense, not like a lot of them round here, trying to pretend that everything is alright even when it’s clearly not.’ After that, Archie wouldn’t hear a word against Todd and when he started to drop into Archie in his workshop, Iris began to see what he meant. He did indeed seem to be a ‘good bloke.’ All the same, Iris knew, Kate would be better off with Colin. They could make a match yet, they were young enough to have a family of their own – Iris would love to see that happen, more than anything for Kate.