Without A Pail
Page 25
“Oh dear God,” Jackie whispered before reclaiming Jill’s mouth as she gently nudged her back toward the bed.
Once Jill felt the resistance of the mattress she sat and pushed herself back until she could lay flat. She watched as Jackie discarded her blazer and nearly drew blood from her lip as she bit into it. Wow, she thought as she beheld Jackie’s toned abs and chest, petite but supple breasts hidden underneath a black push up bra. She was enamored with this blonde, blue-eyed woman, so beautiful, so young and so out of her league. This thought made her feel self-conscious. Jill certainly wasn’t a dog…but the woman standing in front of her sliding her pants down her legs was more than ten years younger and at least fifteen pounds lighter.
She wanted to hide her face, to jump up and get dressed…anything to hide her physical appearance. But when Jackie climbed on top of her and she looked into those blue eyes, she could see the connection…and the raw desire. Jill no longer cared about her own appearance because she knew this woman wanted her and she was so in love with Jackie that she could barely stand it…that and the almost painful swelling happening between her legs. And the way Jackie glided over her, skin to skin…breast to breast it was paradise.
“Oh Baby.” Jill whispered through a breathy moan, “I want you so bad.” The room was dimly lit from the drawn shades, but Jill could see the rays of the sunlight cascaded upon the walls and the ceiling. She closed her eyes again when Jackie bit down into the flesh of her neck and fell between her legs forcing a throaty gasp from her lips.
She couldn’t believe this was finally going to happen and with the woman she wanted all along, the one she loved. She wasn’t sure what to expect from a lesbian sexual encounter, but so far it was so much hotter, so much more erotic, and filled with so much more delightful foreplay. She was about to burst and in her haste to achieve the much needed and much-awaited orgasm, she wanted to say something to nudge her lover along. But what does one say in situations like this?
“I want your mouth on me,” Jill looked around the room and wondered where that voice came from since she didn’t remember speaking the words, but it was exactly what she was thinking.
Jackie pushed herself onto her arms and looked down at the brunette with a wicked grin on her face, “As you wish my love.” Then she proceeded to slide down Jill’s belly leaving a path of soft kisses behind.
Jill’s hands were tangled in Jackie’s blonde tresses, Oh God, she thought. The anticipation was getting the best of her, she had never been this turned on in her life. And the mere thought of that sweet mouth on her nether region was making her so overwrought with emotion she wasn’t sure what she was feeling desire or nervousness causing her to tremble more at the moment.
Jill’s eyes flew open again as a loud breathy moan escaped her lips when Jackie tangled her hands in Jill’s panties pulling them down slowly while trailing her tongue along the exposed flesh.
Her breath was coming in ragged puffs as she dug her fingers Jackie’s scalp; she lifted her head slightly to observe the magic that was about to happen given that her panties were pulled well below her aching pussy. She lifted her hips to aid her lover in the removal of her thong which Jackie then tossed behind her head. Jill gazed at her lover, seeing the want and desire in her eyes made her stomach clench even more.
Her mouth agape, her breath raspy and fast…she was ready for the touch of Jackie’s tongue when she pushed her legs apart. Her head dropped to the side as she bit her bottom lip while Jackie kissed the soft flesh of her inner thighs. As her eyes fluttered, her focus caught a picture perched atop of Jackie’s night table.
“What the…,” Jill closed her eyes and sighed. This was not the moment to see that…it was a photograph of Suzanne and what’s worse Jackie was in the picture too. Together in a lover’s embrace with Jackie’s eyes affixed on Suzanne and her platinum smile. And there it was…the elephant in the room blowing its trumpet loud and clear and suddenly Jill went flat as the realization hit her like a wrecking ball.
Jackie could feel that Jill suddenly became unresponsive to her touch and when she pulled her hands away, Jackie knew something was up. “What’s wrong?” she asked as she looked up from between Jill’s legs.
“Shit,” Jill snapped. She pulled her hands through her hair then slammed her fists down on the bed. “Fuck.”
“Are you okay?” Jackie pushed herself up into a kneeling position.
“No.” Jill sat up and pulled her legs into her body feeling very exposed at the moment since she was naked from the waist down.
“Did I do something wrong?” Jackie was taken aback by Jill’s sudden change in demeanor. She moved herself to where Jill was sitting, “Hey…what’s wrong,” she said as she placed her hand on Jill’s knee.
Jill didn’t say a word she just reached for the picture and handed it to the woman sitting next to her. She tried as hard as she could to not let the tears fall, but her efforts were in vain and they fell anyway. She watched as Jackie’s shoulders fell, she closed her eyes, and shook her head. “I’m sorry.”
“Sorry for what?” Jill said in a whisper. “Sorry that you’re doing this to your girlfriend or sorry for leading me on when you are still attached?”
Several seconds passed while Jill waited for an answer, a response, anything, but instead, Jackie hid behind her closed eyes and Jill thought she was a coward, but in reality Jackie was ashamed.
“I have put it all on the table for you, pretty much put my heart in your hands knowing you aren’t available; knowing you’re not mine to love.” Jill sighed in frustration when Jackie still refused to open her eyes and face the consequences. “I know you’re not happy or in love with that woman as you claim to be or you wouldn’t have been doing this with me, although nothing actually happened.”
Jill pushed herself from the bed and began to redress herself still in amazement not only of Jackie’s silence but by her blatant indifference to the situation. “I didn’t say anything because I didn’t think it was my place, but I didn’t trust that woman from the first time I laid eyes on her…she is playing you for a fool and if you believe she isn’t then you are a fool or maybe it’s just denial. I don’t know…but I can’t be a part of this crazy drama. I thought I could, I thought if I told you that I love you…that I can’t sleep or eat without thinking about you, seeing your face; that I have never felt this way,” Jill’s voice cracked through the tears and she paused trying to collect herself. She cleared her throat and said, “Bottom line is you’re not mine and if you can’t give yourself to me, heart and soul then I don’t want any of it.”
Jill stood there fully dressed waiting for something from Jackie, anything was better than silence; although at least she was looking directly at her. “Really…you’re not going to say anything?”
Jill shook her head with a cocky chortle, “Nice.” Then she turned on her heel and stormed out of the room slamming the door behind her.
Jill didn’t see Joni standing in the middle of the living room as she stalked by and practically flew down the steps out the door. She was in a near run to her car while the tears blinded her and she hoped she had a tissue in the car to wipe the mascara away that was burning her eyes. She needed to get home to the comfort of her booze cabinet and her only friend in the world, Molly.
Chapter 23
Somberly, Jackie walked out of her room and into the living room, the first thing she saw was her sister the second was a glass of brown liquor. She didn’t even care what it was as long as she could make herself stop feeling like an asshole.
“So that didn’t seem to go well. Jillian Warner?”
“Jillian Abbott, Warner is her maiden name.”
Joni shook her head, “Jillian Abbott, your client?”
“One in the same,” Jackie gulped down the Irish whiskey and shuddered before making her way to the kitchen and the bottle of booze to pour more.
“Wanna talk about it?” Joni followed her into the kitchen and pulled the bottle from her hand.
“Hey, don’t take this out on me because your shit is fucked up.”
Jackie sat at the dinette table and swirled the brown liquor around in her glass. “Sorry.”
Joni saw Jackie’s eyes on the manila envelope Casey had dropped off a week ago as she sat at the table across from her sister. “Have you opened it yet?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“Because I know what’s in there. I’m not stupid,” Jackie swallowed more of the booze, her eyes looking into the brown colored hue as if it had some answers for her.
“I never said you were, but sticking your head in the sand isn’t the answer.”
Jackie’s head snapped up as she narrowed her eyes, “I’m well aware.”
“So Suzanne is cheating on you?” Joni’s face softened when she saw her sister’s eyes well up with tears.
“You looked in the envelope?”
“No, I saw her.”
“Where?” Jackie’s stomach felt sick, she couldn’t believe she fell victim to all this again.
“In here,” Joni tapped her finger on her forehead.
“Oh yeah, I forgot. You who sees all,” Jackie rolled her eyes before taking another sip from her glass.
“Look, it wasn’t a hard stretch and I know you’ve picked up on it as well.” Joni was still in her gypsy attire, she came up to the house because her 2:00 p.m. canceled so she figured she would grab a snack…that was until she heard yelling coming from Jackie’s bedroom.
“Yup.”
“If you know all this, why are you still holding onto her?” Joni reached across the table to place a comforting hand on her sister’s arm.
“I’m not…well not really. I was hoping to catch her doing something, lying, cheating…something. I kinda had the inkling what was going on when she kept making excuses not to see the apartment I picked out and when she kept having to work weekends without asking me to swing by after. I figured she was getting her sexual needs fulfilled elsewhere.”
“What about Jill?”
“What about Jill?” Jackie dropped her head into her hands.
“Is there something going on between you two?”
Jackie shrugged her shoulders, “She said she loves me.”
Joni’s eyes grew wide. “Oh really…and how do you feel about her?”
Jackie shrugged her shoulders again making Joni grin.
“Sweetheart, shrugging your shoulders is not a feeling,” Joni leaned back in her chair as she crossed her arms.
“I’ll admit, I’m really attracted to her,” Jackie said without lifting her eyes to meet her sister’s stare.
“And that’s all it is…an attraction?”
“Yes…no,” Jackie sighed loudly, “I don’t fucking know. The only thing I do know is that I can’t get the woman out of my system. She’s in my head all the time and when I think about her…when I see her; I get this weird feeling in here,” Jackie tapped her chest.
“You know what that says to me…”
Jackie cut her off, “Don’t say it…please. And I was going to end it with Suzanne before Casey gave me that envelope.”
“Jack…this envelope has been here a week, what are you waiting for?”
Jackie shrugged her shoulders again.
“Have you looked in it?” Joni asked as she watched Jackie toss the rest of the brown liquor into her throat and pour more into the glass.
“No…I haven’t looked in it and I don’t intend to.”
“Why not?”
“Because it’s probably filled with pictures…I really didn’t want to see them,” Jackie let out a loud, frustrated sigh. “Ugh!”
“Well, maybe you should…maybe it will give you the fire you need to end it. No sense in hanging on when you are in love with someone else.” Joni waited for the realization of her words to sink in then smiled when the focus snapped back to Jackie’s eyes.
“What…I never said I was in love with Jill.”
Joni raised her eyebrows as if to say, ‘who do you think you’re talking to.’
Jackie didn’t say anything, she just stared at her sister. What was she going to do, deny it…although she wasn’t sure what it was she was feeling, everything seemed to be jumbled in her head. She cleared her throat, “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Mmmhmm. Jackie, I see it all over you; I see it all over her. Don’t let what could be the best thing in your life walk away because of your stupid pride.”
Jackie slammed down her glass causing the booze to spill out onto the flowered tablecloth, “What do you suggest I do?”
“What do you want to do?”
“Oh dear God, Joni! Do you always have to do that to me? Don’t you think if I knew, I would be doing it?”
“No I don’t. You do know what to do, but something is stopping you. My guess is some type of fear…what are you afraid of?”
Jackie stood from her chair in a huff causing it to topple over behind her. She began to pace around the floor mumbling with animated hand gestures. “What am I afraid of…do you have a week? Because the list is long. But what I’m most afraid of, what we both are most afraid of…” She stopped to address her sister, “because if you weren’t, you wouldn’t have waited until you’re almost fifty to fall in love. What I’m most afraid of is to lose someone I love. We’ve both know what it’s like to lose someone we love when Mom and Dad were killed. I never allowed myself to fall in love before Suzanne and look at how that turned out…not once but twice. The pain of losing a love…of having that person not love you hurts too much and I don’t want to go through it again…I can’t. I just can’t go up that hill without a pail, not again…not this time. I can’t bear the thought of losing her.”
Jackie flopped onto the sofa, picked up a pillow and screamed into it.
“Jackie…I have to ask; what is it with you and that pail?”
Jackie looked over at her sister, still sitting at the dinette table. She sighed loudly as she leaned forward placing her elbows on her knees. “I don’t know…It was something Dad used to say.” Tears poured from her face as she recalled the memory from the age of seven. “It was actually the last thing he had said before they left that night. He and Mom were arguing on their way out the door about that stupid store down there…she wanted to turn it into a country store and sell candles and stuff. And he said ‘with the economy the way it is I’m not going up that hill without a pail.’”
“Oh my gosh…Jack. You’ve been afraid of taking a risk because our father was too cautious about opening a store in the middle of an economic difficulty? He didn’t mean he didn’t want to take the risk, he just wanted to do more marketing analysis and research so that they wouldn’t go broke.”
“I was seven, it took on another meaning for me.”
“And Jill is a risk you are not willing to take.”
“I’ve done it once with Suzanne and it backfired in my face. Then I try to give her a second chance and that backfires in my face. Why would I want to put myself through that again, especially with a woman who is twelve years older than me, who was married for twenty-five years, newly divorced, and possibly still straight? What if I go all in and end up just a rebound fling or just someone to satisfy her curiosity? What then?”
“There are no guarantees with love…with anything really. You just need to stop listening to your head with all of its reasons, justifications, and excuses and follow your heart. What is that telling you?”
“I don’t know,” Jackie yelled as she tossed her head back into the sofa.
“Well, you’re already losing her and if you don’t want that to happen, you better figure your shit out.”
“Oh no…what happened? Did you lose in court?” Casey said at the sight of her friend when she walked into the room.
Jill was hysterical, sobbing like a child…try
ing to talk through her double breaths and it wasn’t working. She wasn’t sure why she was so upset, it wasn’t like her and Jackie were an item or had committed to the whole ‘in love’ thing. But she felt as though she lost her, something in Jackie’s demeanor…the way she didn’t speak and acted so indifferent. The way she didn’t seem to care about anything Jill was saying, yelling or crying about. She just sat at the head of the bed with a stupid look on her face and wouldn’t even look Jill in the eyes. It was at that moment, it felt like someone had ripped the heart right from her chest.
“No, I won.” Jill barely eeked out the words as she sank to her knees in the middle of her own living room. She felt as if she was a little too overdramatic, but she couldn’t stop the emotion that was steamrolling her at the moment.
Casey rushed to her side, “Oh no, Jill…what it is?”
Jill just shook her head, she couldn’t say the words. How could she have let herself fall for that little twit? She was so hurt and so pissed. She deserved more than a deadpan stare which wasn’t even cast in her direction. She might as well have been talking to the wall, it gave her the same response as Jackie did…nothing. But yet, she yearned for her. Wanted to see her even now, wanted to hold her tight, and wanted to kiss her lips.
“Please, Jill…please tell me what happened. Can I call someone? Do you want me to call Jackie?”
Jill let out a cocky snort, “Hardly.” Trying to stop the tears and the hysterics, she sat back on her feet and patted Molly’s head. “It’s alright girl.” Molly was lying in front of Jill, her head resting between her paws with anxious eyes staring up at her master.