No matter how much Jackie apologized for the insensitive ‘eye rolling,’ she was not let off the hook. It was just a knee-jerk reaction which happened anytime her sister would start lecturing or nagging. But now when she was at work and getting ready to depose a witness, she didn’t need this upset to distract her from what she needed to do.
Jill, I can’t do this right now. I’m getting ready for a deposition.
Fine…whatever! I have to get ready for work now…talk to you later.
Jackie sighed loudly while slowly shaking her head. She wanted to ask why Jill was acting like such a baby right now. Sure what she did was insensitive and she understood that it hurt Jill’s feelings, but come on…how many times should she have to say ‘I’m sorry, I really didn’t mean it.’ And she meant what she said, there was no rush for moving in together right now. She was enjoying things the way they were and wasn’t ready to change them.
This relationship was different than all the others and a complete one-eighty from the Suzanne debacle, as she liked to refer to it. It was fun, it was light, and it was so fucking hot. The excitement of being together, the passion, the romance and the feeling of being in love tied her up in the sweetest knots. Even now, when she was not particularly happy with the woman at the moment, she was still so enamored that the mere thought of Jill’s eyes or her smile would cause a Cheshire cat grin to spread across Jackie’s face. The replaying of a sexual memory in her brain would warm her cheeks and have her twisting in her office seat every time. She would make this right…somehow make Jill not mad at her anymore. She was a charmer, or at least she tried to convince herself she was…it was time for a date. A proper date, outside of Jill’s apartment at a real restaurant. After all, she had a hot woman and it was about time she showed her off.
With a smile firmly set upon her face, she gathered up her briefcase and headed out of her office and towards the conference room for the deposition until it dawned on her that it was only Tuesday and their schedules misaligned terribly during the week. The only day they really saw each other was Saturday night and Jackie didn’t want to wait until then and stay in the dog house the entire time. Maybe she would break her own rule this one time and stay over on a weeknight. It would certainly help close the rift she felt between them…she hoped anyway.
Jill usually worked until ten every night, so after Jackie was done at the firm which usually wasn’t until about eight or nine, she would be able to get home to pack some clothes and run back to Jill’s before she got home and surprise her with maybe something more than pizza or a cheesesteak, which seemed to be Jill’s late night food of choice. But what could she bring?
“Hmmm…wait. Joni.” Before she stepped into the conference room, she texted her sister.
Hey, mind whipping up an ‘I’m sorry’ dinner for me to take to Jill’s tonight?
Still in the dog house then?
Yup…I need to fix this.
Ah…so you think the way to a woman’s heart is through her stomach?
I’m hoping between that and my smiling face, it will be. Oh, and nothing that will make me gassy.
Demanding aren’t we.
Please?
Well, Jack. I’ll see what I can do.
Awesome…thank you so much. See you tonight. Love ya
Jackie put her phone on silent and walked into the conference room with a huge smile plastered across her face and confidence in her step.
Jill looked at her phone and the last text message from Jackie. It was at 8:30 p.m. and was business as usual for her like nothing was wrong.
Hey Jill, home now. Excruciatingly busy day…I’m beat. Hope you’re having a good night. Call me when you get home. I miss hearing your voice.
The more she looked at it, the more it aggravated her. It was after 10:00 p.m. and she was exhausted. The shelter was busier tonight more than any other night, there were a plethora of dogs surrendered and it made her sick every time she had to play the understanding role with the assholes dumping their dogs. Their flimsy excuses and bullshit reasons; she had her fill of it and she wanted to tell them all what low-life’s she thought they were. But she had to bite her tongue and take the dog with a smile on her face and fight back the tears when the dog would try to run after their owners with cries and whimpers.
She thought that if any one of them worked here for one day and saw the heartbreak in these animal’s eyes maybe, just maybe they would think twice before just discarding the animal. But since funding the entire organization, she made it her mission to be the one that handled all surrendered animals. Once they were processed into the system, she would take the animal back to what she called the ‘welcome room’ and personally provide comfort to the dog and wait for the assigned staff member to come and get acquainted with the animal before taking it to its temporary home.
Jill did all she could do to ensure every animal had all the comforts of home, well as best as she could anyway. All dogs had their own pen unless they were surrendered in pairs or they became friends at the shelter. She had bigger pens for those cases. Each pen was equipped with a bed, toys, and soothing music that would play during the day which did help cut down on the barking.
Jill spent her days lobbying for donations which included ass kissing to the nth degree which was another thing that didn’t suit her, but she grinned through each call and each meeting. Jill was the epitome of professionalism. She knew how to play the game and she understood the politics. This was something she was good at, something she excelled at when she and Bill built up their company from nothing. And even though she put a pretty penny into the Manhattan Animal Shelter, she just couldn’t bank roll the entire operation. This included everything from supplies to salaries and the intense vetting and monitoring those who were hired. Her job was exhausting, mentally, physically, and emotionally. That is why she didn’t respond to Jackie’s text…she didn’t have it in her tonight to just ignore the elephant in the room and sweep everything under the rug.
As she harnessed Molly up ready to leave for the night, she looked at her phone. The screen showed no signs of a new text causing her stomach to twist. She hated the way this rift between her and Jackie was making her feel. She fastened her boots, zipped up her coat then donned her insulated gloves. Winters in New York were no joke, it was in the teens outside and even though she drove, there was still the jaunt to her car, during which she would have to trudge through humps of snow that had yet to melt. Even though she had Molly with her, she still dreaded going home to an empty house. It was well past 10:00 p.m. and she knew Jackie would be fast asleep by now. If she didn’t have the dog she would have just gone to Jackie’s, she had a key. The thoughts of crawling into bed with that blonde, snuggling in close under the covers warmed her heart causing her to miss Jackie even more.
Jill couldn’t understand why Jackie was so hesitant to move in with her, it wasn’t like she was asking them to get married. It just made sense…well at least it did to her. They rarely saw each other during the week, so Jackie would have plenty of alone time if that was what had her afraid. Jill certainly didn’t want to monopolize every second of her girlfriend’s time…she just wanted that presence, a warm body in her bed and to see those beautiful eyes every morning. “Is that too much to ask?” Jill said aloud as she opened the door and walked out into the bitter cold. “Come on girl, let’s get home and find something to eat. I’m starving.”
When Jill got out of her car in the building’s garage, she could have sworn she’d seen Jackie’s car, but quickly pushed the thought away before she got her hopes up. There were hundreds of those cars on the streets and probably the majority of them lived in this building. And besides, since the first time they made love, Jackie had made it a point not to spend the night except for the weekend. Jill sighed then smiled down at the sweet furry face looking up at her hopefully. “You miss her too, don’tcha girl.” As she walked into the elevator, she could see that Molly was tired. It was a long day and even though Molly got the five-s
tar treatment, she thought it was still unfair for her to stay at the shelter. But Molly could not be left alone and Casey was too busy and frankly too expensive for dog sitting duties ten to twelve hours a day.
Jill was emotionally spent, she had to fight the tears too many times during her shift and really needed the warm and comforting embrace of her girlfriend. It was too hard to cry it out every night alone and she wondered if she’d ever get used to seeing the horrors of animal neglect and abuse. She should allow her heart to harden and focus better on the Shelter, but as she shook her head and pushed away an errant tear, she knew she could never be that person. And it was her ultra-caring personality that has made the Shelter so successful these days.
Pushing the thoughts from her head, she exited the elevator with Molly in tow and a glass of wine in mind. She felt a pang of guilt for not texting Jackie back, but really what was she going to say? She had a couple flip comments come to mind, one of which was ‘you wouldn’t have to miss me if we shared a roof,’ but thought better of it since Jackie was deflecting and pushing past the issue like it didn’t exist. She had half a mind to not text her for a few days, maybe then Jackie would really miss the sound of her voice. But she knew that was petty and certainly no way to treat a woman she adored even if she was a bit miffed with her at the moment.
Jackie could hear the key in the door and suddenly her stomach dropped. She was feeling unsure her being there with chicken scampi warming on the stove, a bouquet of flowers, and wine chilled alongside two glasses was a good idea. But there she was, standing in the kitchen dressed in a pair a ripped up jeans and a pullover sweater, anticipating the woman that made her heart flutter. Except for right now it was hammering against her rib cage almost feeling like it was trying to escape. Then she heard the door open and that sweet voice echo down the hallway talking that way she does to Molly, and for a split second she felt at home before the panic set in again and she quickly pushed it away. What the hell am I so afraid of was the lingering thought in her head before she heard the jingling of Molly’s collar and the thumping of her feet rushing toward her.
A smile instantly formed across her face when Jill walked into the living room and as she turned to see what had captured Molly’s attention, she yelped grabbing her chest with a start. “Jackie…what the fuck! You scared the shit out of me!”
“Hi,” Jackie’s voice cracked. She couldn’t believe how ridiculously nervous she was at the moment. “Sorry to scare you, just wanted to see you tonight. Um…” Her gaze found the floor when she started to feel out of place, “I just thought maybe you could use a better meal than just old pizza or a bag of chips.” When she didn’t hear Jill say anything in response, she shuffled her feet and took a deep breath, “I guess I should have let you know I was coming over.” She felt Jill’s hand lift her chin until their eyes connected, “I wanted to surprise you.”
Jackie couldn’t pull her stare away, the intensity of Jill’s gaze was melting away her resolve making her feel like a lovesick teenager.
Jill’s mouth turned up into a grin, “Color me surprised.” She wanted to be aloof, almost indifferent…make Jackie squirm a little. She could see the desire in her eyes, she could see the love practically written in her facial features. “Something smells good,” she said as she walked away from Jackie’s intense stare. “Joni’s chicken scampi?” she asked as she pulled the lid from the pot to get a better whiff. “I’m starved.”
“Could you pour me a glass of that?” Jill turned on her heel to see Jackie looking at her quizzically. “It’s been a really rough day and I could certainly use a glass.”
Jackie cleared her throat while pouring the wine, “Why don’t you get changed and I’ll get the table set?”
Jill took the offered glass of wine and nearly gulped it all down, “I have a better idea.” Her eyes danced mischievously, “I need a shower, would you wash my back?”
Jackie’s face lit up, “It would be my pleasure.”
Jill bit her bottom lip, “Follow me gorgeous…oh, and bring the wine.”
Thirty minutes later, they sat facing each other eating lukewarm food. Both with wet hair and having difficulty making small talk. When Jackie began to clear the table and clean up the dishes she heard Jill shout out from the living room.
“Hey, leave that for now. Come cuddle with me…I’ve missed you.”
Now, Jackie was spread out on the couch with Jill tucked under her arm and slightly snoring onto her shoulder with Molly curled up on her feet. It was a wonderful feeling that tugged at her heart as she sipped from her wine glass, thankful to have the one hand free for the task. She knew Jill was exhausted and apparently emotionally drained, although she was very tight-lipped about her day. Every time Jackie inquired about her day all she got in return was an ‘okay.’ But she knew something seemed off with Jill tonight. She could feel a distance, almost like Jill was pulling back. The sex in the shower amounted to a quickie in which Jill was okay with Jackie saying she was good for now…which was a first. Followed by Jill practically inhaling her food and a cuddle on the couch that lasted maybe ten minutes before she started snoring.
Jackie figured she would get more of a reaction when she said she brought her work clothes, but the comment was met with a shake of a head and a ‘that’s great’ remark. But really what was she expecting? She wasn’t moving in, in fact, this might not have been the best idea to dangle an unattainable carrot and start up the whole ‘move in with me’ requests which she was most assuredly would create those same arguments. As much as she loved this feeling and wanted to stay, she couldn’t. She knew she couldn’t…she wasn’t ready now. She liked things the way they were.
Jackie felt Jill stir, “Hey there, you want to go to bed?”
“Mmmm, you should go, it’s getting late.” Jill muttered while she snuggled in closer.
Jackie wasn’t sure she heard her right, Jill wanted her to go…was kicking her out. “I brought my stuff, I’ll stay.”
“You don’t have to. I’ll be okay. Go home, Jackie.”
That last statement sounded harsh and it stung, Jackie pulled out from under her girlfriend and sat on the end of the sofa cushion. “You’re tossing me out into the cold at 2:00 a.m. after drinking two bottles of wine?”
She looked over her shoulder to see Jill lying flat on her back, arm draped over her forehead with an extremely annoyed look on her face. “Jill…please let me stay with you.”
Jill let out a cocky grunt, she wanted to say ‘oh now you want to stay with me,’ but she thought better of it. She was tired, irritable and had too much wine to effectively get into an argument. She pushed herself up and past Jackie’s sulking form and pleading eyes. She rose to her feet, “Fine, you can stay,” she said with indifference as she started for her bedroom, “But on the couch. Come on Molly…bed time.” Then she disappeared into the hallway and Jackie’s eyes filled with tears when she heard the door slam shut.
Jackie stood to pull off her jeans and unfastened her bra then pulled it out of the sleeve of her t-shirt. She flopped onto the cushion pushing the tears from her face while she grabbed the throw from the back of the sofa. She knew she deserved it, but it hurt nonetheless. She wanted to be pissed, think that Jill was being unfair…but it was fair. If Jackie couldn’t commit to moving in then she shouldn’t give Jill these tidbits of hope by staying over. All she wanted to do was rush into Jill’s bedroom and say she was sorry and stupid. Say she loved her and wanted to spend every moment together whether asleep or awake but as much as it felt like home just the mere thought of it sent anxiety pulsing through her. It was a fear she could not relent, no matter how ridiculous she knew it was…she closed her eyes and slowly shook her head, hating and berating herself.
Jill stood on the other side of her bedroom door with an ache in her chest and tears in her eyes. She knew she was being cold and insensitive and a little spiteful. She was so elated to see Jackie standing in her kitchen when she got home. God how she needed that woman to lean on
after the day she had…but quickly came back to reality when she realized that Jackie was only trying to do damage control and it pissed her off. She would not be placated by that blonde, blue-eyed little hottie lying on her sofa. “What the hell is wrong with me?” The knock on her door startled her and she took a wary step back.
“Jill,” Jackie whispered against the wood of the door.
The thought of diving into bed to feign sleep quickly faded from her brain when she heard the second call of her name was laced with distress. She pulled open the door to see a woman whose face was solemn, eyes glistening with tears and sexy as hell in her little girl-boxers. As much as she wanted to pull the woman into her arms, she stood there stoic as she crossed her arms over her chest.
“I’m so sorry,” Jackie’s voice cracked as she looked at Jill through her lashes.
Pulling out all the stops. Jill said, “What are you sorry for Jackie?”
Jill’s coldness was a punch to the gut and her eyes fell to the floor, “For being broken.”
She couldn’t take it any longer, the woman standing before her was indeed broken, almost like a child wanting comfort. She pulled Jackie into her arms.
“I love you, Jill,” Jackie’s words were low.
“I know Baby…I know.”
Chapter 28
February’s bone-chilling cold days seemed to linger and Jill’s schedule at the shelter seemed to be never ending. Jackie had said many times that Jill should just get a cot and sleep there. She had to deal with all the surrenders from the assholes that thought it was a good idea to buy their kid a pet for Christmas. Dogs, cats, rabbits…even mice, hamsters, rats, and the occasional snake were among the animals abandoned. The only thing she was thankful for was at least the animals were brought to her and not neglected or abused which she had seen too much of as well.
Jackie had been helping with Molly a few days a week which Jill was especially grateful for, it wasn’t fair for her fur-baby to be stuck at the shelter for twelve to fourteen hours a day. So when Jackie got off work, she would pick Molly up and take her home. She enjoyed the one-on-one time with Jackie and she especially enjoyed times with Aunt Joni who wasn’t thrilled at first to have this giant hairy beast in her house, lying on her sofa…but she quickly warmed up and had made it a point to spoil her. She and Jason even took the dog for nightly walks when Jackie was too deeply involved in one of her cases and had forgotten the dog needed to go outside.
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