Anne Belcombe accepted Anne’s rationalisation of the fears she had expressed although secretly Anne Lister felt that the sin, on her part, was more in deceiving Mariana by having sex with another woman, a thing which she had promised faithfully not to do. Her guilt, however, was soon assuaged in the face of further temptation and the affair continued.
Thursday 14 November [Halifax]
Just before tea I told [Nantz] the anecdote of the ancients using lead plates to prevent pain in their knees – the expression which I use, & which she understands, to mean desire. She said I wanted them. I said she would soon take them off. She said yes, perhaps she should.
As the visit wore on, it became obvious that Aunt Anne was fretting about the length of her stay. Anne, although embarrassed at having to hint to Nantz that it was time for her to return to York, was nevertheless also relieved.
Thursday 28 November [Halifax]
Anne & I had a good deal of conversation just before we got into bed. She evidently wished to stay till after the musical festival [at York]. I said she ought, by all means, to go to it. Said if this was my house I would not let her leave me these three months, etc., but that it was not. That I did not feel myself quite at home. That I could not feel quite so much so with my uncle & aunt as I could have done with my father & mother. I gave no encouragement to the idea of her prolonging her stay but very gently hinted advice to the contrary.
Friday 29 November [Halifax]
A long prose just before getting into bed. Talked of the abuse I had had for romance, enthusiasm, flattery, manners like those of a gentleman, being too particularly attentive to the ladies, etc. That in consequence I had resolved to change & had succeeded in becoming much more cool & cautious in my general intercourse with people & much less lavish of cordiality & civility… I asked her if, after all this [their lovemaking], she would own being in love with me. She said no, she did not like the term but clasped me in [her] arms. We kissed & fell asleep.
Anne and her Uncle James walked into Halifax with Nantz the following day and saw her safely into the Highflier coach. The experience had left Anne in no doubt that Nantz would never be able to take Mariana’s place in her life. Nantz had done everything she could to ingratiate herself with Anne and Anne was appreciative but her charms did not match up to those of her sister, Mariana. However, as Anne cynically recorded, ‘I ought not to complain. Superior charms might not be so easily come-at-able on such easy terms’.4
The return to her daily routine at Shibden Hall brought on a fit of restlessness in Anne. During December the snow fell relentlessly and Anne began to plan a method of securing her independence. On Christmas Eve she and her aunt had a long, confidential talk during which Anne expressed her frustrations about her dependency.
Wednesday 25 December [Halifax]
Sat up last night talking to my aunt. Talking of my father’s [financial] affairs. That I seemed, as it were, a log upon my uncle & aunt, who had so much to do for me. Wished I could persuade my friends to let me try & do something for myself. [I] said I was sure I could make two or three hundred pounds if I might go off for 5 or 6 months & do as I liked, hinting, or rather covertly alluding, as I have often done before, to my scheme of rambling, begging, and eventually gambling… I steadily persisted, of course, in not telling what I thought of doing but said it would require much nous & much spirit & was quite a speculation which I would breathe to nobody unless it answered. I said I knew my aunt & my friends would say no if they heard what it was but that it was nothing against my conscience or that I could not afterwards think of with pleasure. I talked till my aunt said she was not averse to my doing anything that was likely to answer but advised telling my uncle, which I said was impossible. She guessed I meant to go on the stage or sing for a few months in the season. I said no. She then said perhaps I meant to take pupils or get to be a clerk in some office. (She must have some idea I should not scruple to throw off my petticoats.) I said I had no thought of either of these. Neither would do at all. Together with much more of this kind of conversation, I think I could gain my point if I chose.
It was a wildcat scheme which never came to fruition but the mere fact of going so far as to discuss it with her aunt showed Anne’s desperation to escape her dependent situation. The next day, Christmas Day, sanity prevailed. The family, including Captain Lister who had arrived at Shibden Hall on the twenty-third of December, went sedately to morning church and all ‘staid the sacrament’.
1817
Friday 21 March [Halifax]
In the afternoon, mending my black silk petticoat & black worsted stocking. In the evening, wrote a letter to Marian,1 Market Weighton. A fine, cold, frosty day… The flute for ½ hour after tea.
Wednesday 2 April [Halifax]
Began this morning to sit, before breakfast, in my drawers put on with gentlemen’s braces I bought for 2/6 on 27 March 1809 & my old black waistcoat & dressing-gown.
Tuesday 15 April [Halifax]
Did not sleep well last night & was, besides, disturbed about 4 by the cook, who awoke me to say a shabby-looking man was stealing the hens. She spoke to him out of the Green room window & the hens escaped for the time… In the morning, walked to Halifax, put my letter into the post, bought a horse pistol (pr.16/6) at Adams & Mitchell’s; a lb of very large shot, 4d., & 2 ozs powder, 3d.… Not much sun. The wind exceedingly high & the dust blown about so violently as to make it almost impossible to face it.
Tuesday 22 April [Halifax]
Walked with my aunt to Halifax & went with her, shopping. Called at Northgate.2 Went to Whitley’s, the stationer’s. Got Droiiet’s ‘God Save the King’… Then to the library… The flute ½ hour before tea & also ½ hour after, trying Droiiet’s variation, which I think I can soon play. Mr Whitley told me that Sugden is reputed a very good player & the best hereabouts. Said it was too difficult for him & he durst not venture on it. I never heard him play & this gives me no great opinion of him. By the way, Whitley told me that this Droiiet, a Frenchman, had made 20 guineas a week all last winter by his flute playing in London.
Thursday 24 April [Halifax]
My uncle Joseph & I had a good deal of talk on family affairs. I advised him to make his will… He gave me five pounds. I told him it was acceptable for that I had very little from my father, & that my uncle & aunt gave me nearly all I had… Very windy as I came home & the dust blown in my face most terribly. After supper, read aloud.
Saturday 26 April [Halifax]
Had a letter from M—, Lawton. All going on swimmingly. As yet C— all attention. Gives her all her strengthening medicines & washes her back with cold water every morning, & in spite of home concerns, going to the sea for two months. All this in hopes of a son & heir.
Tuesday 29 April [Halifax]
In the afternoon, took my uncle’s letter… & after seeing it marked in the office, gave it to the boy who was just setting off on horseback with the London post. Staid half an hour at the library. Called at Whitley’s, the booksellers, to pay for a blank book &, saying I should like to hear Sugden play on the flute, Mr Whitley said he was sure he would be happy to play any time I liked if I would fix a time, & next Tuesday afternoon was named. I repent this, uncertain how far the thing is quite correct. That is, how far it is sufficiently keeping up my dignity. It is fixed now & I must make the best of it, resolving not to buy music at this rate any more.
Wednesday 30 April [Halifax]
Had a letter from Marian (Market Weighton) directed by my father & containing an inclosure [sic] of five guineas, East Riding bank notes. I read my uncle & aunt the letter & shewed [sic] them four of the notes but said nothing of the fifth. This is a sort of dissimulation which my heart does not approve, & I already repent having practised it, but it is not pleasant not to have a sixpence but what they know of, as I may occasionally want a pound or two extraordinarily… Dawdled away the afternoon looking over & unripping some old gowns & petticoats for my aunt to make into wearable petticoats for me.
; Friday 2 May [Halifax]
Immediately after breakfast, walked to Halifax (Betty being cleaning my room)… Sat an hour with Mrs Rawson.3 She mentioned the great alarm now prevailing at Leeds & other places about vaccination, several children having, not withstanding, been seized with the smallpox. Many were having their children inoculated & in many instances the infants had been taken in spite of previous vaccinations which had been pronounced perfectly good at the time. It seems, however, to be observed that those who have been vaccinated have the smallpox more favourably & much more mildly. Mrs Rawson also mentioned Mr Rawson having been in York at the Assizes where, & when, tho’ he had heard the thing before, it was the common topic of conversation that M— was parted from C— & returned to her father & mother; that she & C— were the most miserable couple in the world, & that, in fact, he had little or nothing; that he had killed his first wife; had not the very best character; in short, the old [story] all over again. I pretended to smile at the strange incongruity of reports & made the matter look as well as I could but surely, in spite of anything I can say, people must think there would not be all these reports afloat without some reason or other.
Saturday 3 May [Halifax]
Had a letter from M—… I am to begin my letter to M— as usual but not send it till the latter end of next week, or the Monday of the following week instead of next Monday. C— ‘has taken it into his head lately to go for the letters & sometimes we do not get them till 12 or 1… Till this whim ceases, perhaps a little irregularity may be as well.’
Monday 5 May [Halifax]
After supper, firing off the pistol, that had been heavily charged above 3 weeks, out of my room window. The report was tremendous. It bounded out of my hand, forced itself thro’ the window, & broke the lead & 2 panes of glass. My hand felt stunned for some time.
Tuesday 6 May [Halifax]
Had a note from Miss Caroline Greenwood (Cross-hills) to ask me to drink tea (quite in a free way) tomorrow. Wrote a note back to accept the invitation, thinking I could not well do otherwise. In the afternoon, went to the library. Paid a bill for my aunt to Miss Stead, the matua [sic] maker & called at Whitley’s. Bought 3 sticks of sealing-wax, & then Mr Sugden came. Went upstairs for five minutes & heard him play a couple of airs without book. He said he was a very bad player without book, that his flute was dry, he had not touched it for 3 weeks. I complimented him highly &, as far as I could judge, he deserved it. His tone & taste both good, particularly the former. I asked his terms for teaching. A guinea a quarter for 1 lesson a week & a guinea & a half per quarter for 2 lessons per week. He is quite self-taught. He was a fustian-cutter by trade, but this grew so bad he gave it up &, being a single man, supports himself by teaching singing, the flute, or French horn, & writing out music for anyone. I rather think his living is but spare. This adventure has passed off more satisfactorily than I expected.
Wednesday 7 May [Halifax]
A ¼ before 6, went to drink tea at the Greenwoods’ at Cross-hills… Music after tea. Several hits on the musical glasses by Miss Caroline Greenwood. A single song by Miss Susan Greenwood. An Italian duet by Miss Susan Greenwood & Miss A. Staveley. The 2nd of ‘See From the Ocean Rising’, with Miss Susan Greenwood. ‘The Bewildered Maid’ & the 2nd to one of Braham’s [sic] ditty with Miss A. Staveley by myself. Miss Susan Greenwood sings very fairly but was frightened. Miss A. Staveley is said to be very scientific both in playing & singing. Of the former I could not judge. In the latter she is tame, not always in the best tune, & appears to have slender vocal powers from nature, i.e. not much naturally good voice. Miss Caroline Greenwood enlarged on the value she set on my notes & rally’d me on the shortness of my last. She would like to have long ones from me & longs to see some of my letters. Regretted the ‘invisible enchantment’ that kept me so closely at Shibden. Often longed to put on her things & join me when she saw me go past, & threatened to do so some time or other. In fact, she makes a dead set, to all which I return no encouragement, but am very civil. Miss S. Staveley made several bold pushes for me to sing with her sister & to bring on a visiting, but I took not the smallest notice of any of them… They were a vulgar set & I was [glad] to get home a little before 10. I had a pleasant walk, the night was so fine & warm. Miss S. Staveley was in anxious expectation of seeing something from my pen, as she & everyone made sure of my intention to publish. The people seem wonderfully impressed with the idea now that I keep myself so snug at home.
Monday 12 May [Halifax]
5 chaises, a stagecoach that commonly runs between Leeds & Halifax, the Blackpool mail (a long coach, so called in derision), the Wakefield car, a sort of tea-cart topped something in the same way as a sociable to keep off the rain, all passed here this morning, filled with voters for the Registrarship of Wakefield. The contending parties, Mr Frank Hawksworth & Mr Fenton Scott. The report of this evening is in favour of the former. 2 more chaises passed to Wakefield in the afternoon.
Tuesday 13 May [Halifax]
Between 1 & 2, the 1st 7 propositions of the 1st book of Euclid, with which I mean to renew my acquaintance & to proceed diligently in the hope that, if I live, I may some time attain a tolerable proficiency in mathematical studies. I would rather be a philosopher than a polyglot, & mean to turn my attention, eventually & principally, to natural philosophy. For the present, I mean to devote my mornings, before breakfast to Greek, & afterwards, till dinner, to divide the time equally between Euclid & arithmetic till I have waded thro’ Walkingham, when I shall recommence my long neglected algebra. I must read a page or 2 of French now & then when I can. The afternoons & evenings are set apart for general reading, for walking, ½ an hour, or ¾, practice on the flute.
Anne’s plan of study and self-education was three-fold: first, in an age when university education was denied to women, Anne wished to educate herself up to, and above, the standard of most men, particularly in the Classics. Secondly, she did have ambitions to write, as Halifax society had suspected and, therefore, wished to equip herself for a career in letters. Thirdly, she needed to keep her mind occupied whilst living in virtual seclusion at Shibden Hall. Until she inherited the entire estate and became financially independent, she was financially dependent on her aunt and uncle who were becoming aged and needed her support in dealing with its management. Anne’s move to Halifax cut her off for long periods from her friends in and around York, the Belcombe family, the Duffins and the Norcliffes. She was thus a lonely young woman, particularly as she could find no one in Halifax whom she deemed to be her equal, either socially or intellectually. She moved as little as possible in the limited social milieu of the small Pennine town of Halifax, and she often disparaged the rather unsophisticated female company available to her. She began to get a reputation as a snob and a ‘loner’, and people began to resent her standoffishness. At the same time they stood in awe of her undoubted intellectuality and her reputation as a bas bleu or bluestocking. As the Listers were of very good social standing in the town, it was deemed a compliment if one could be on ‘calling terms’ with them, or include them as guests at social gatherings. There was great rivalry amongst the young ladies of the town to be counted as an intimate friend of Anne Lister’s.
However Anne – except for one or two instances – refused their offers of friendship. Her emotional life was closely involved with Mariana Lawton (one of the Belcombe sisters, now married to Charles Lawton of Lawton Hall, Cheshire) whom she called M—, in the journals. The two women had enjoyed a deep friendship and sexual liaison for a number of years. Originally they had planned their future together, but M— had married Charles Lawton (C— of the journals), a man much older than herself and a widower, who was rich enough to give her a comfortable style of life. Anne was, and remained, deeply hurt at M—’s betrayal but, despite this, continued the relationship in the hope that C— would die, leaving M— a young widow with perhaps one or two children. The two women would then combine fortunes and lives, and bring up the children together.
Howe
ver, in January 1817, C— had found a letter from Anne which hinted at this arrangement and he became extremely jealous and suspicious of her. This put obstacles in the way of the women’s friendship but despite this the two carried on a correspondence and were able to meet from time to time, although it was not possible for Anne to visit M— at her home at Lawton Hall, Cheshire. M—’s family, the Belcombes, however, lived in York and Anne was a regular visitor to their home when M— contrived to visit at the same time.
Thus, Anne was playing a patient waiting game until M— was free to set up a domestic household with her at Shibden, where they would live together for the rest of their lives. Meanwhile, she continued her day-to-day routine of study, walking, limited social visiting, and writing long letters to M—, for which she devised an esoteric code in order to prevent C— from reading the contents. Anne also used this code in her journal to pour out her feelings in privacy.
Monday 19 May [Halifax]
C— continues terribly jealous of me. M— thinks we had better be cautious lest he should forbid her writing to me, & therefore desires to hear from me every other Tuesday, as there will be little comfort for her & me as long as he lives & God knows how long that may be.
The Secret Diaries Of Miss Anne Lister Page 3