Thursday 26 April [Halifax]
Put on my summer things, my velvet spencer & my cotton socks.
Monday 7 May [Halifax]
Foolish fancying about Caroline Greenwood, meeting her on Skircoat Moor, taking her into a shed there is there & being connected with her. Supposing myself in men’s clothes & having a penis, tho’ nothing more. All this is very bad. Let me try to make a great exertion & get the better of this lazyness [sic] in a morning – the root of all evil… Now I will try & turn over a new leaf & waste no more time in bed or any way else that I can help. May God’s help attend this resolution.
Monday 14 May [Halifax]
Went straight by North Parade to Mrs Stansfield Rawson’s. Found them sitting down to tea… Talked away famously about one thing or other, society, etc, without reserve. I fancy they thought me amusing & agreeable. At least, they were as civil as possible. They asked me about my studies. Said how I had neglected them for several years &, in fact, had only begun to read regularly about 2 or 3 years ago, much the greater part of which time I had wasted in bad management by gaping after too many things at once e.g. mathematics before breakfast, French, Hebrew, Latin & Greek during the rest of the morning… Expressed my particular wish that all this should not be mentioned for that I should not like to have it known & should not have told it at all had not she, Mrs Rawson, asked me so particularly. I do not think Catherine will make much out as a scholar. She seems better suited to be made a beauty of. With good manners & fashionable accompaniments, she might have been much admired. These would have served her better, I think, than Latin & Greek.
Tuesday 22 May [Halifax]
Sat near an hour with Mrs Waterhouse. Very civil & very glad to see me & a thoroughly good woman, but I am out of my element here & must have other society in days to come.
Sunday 27 May [Halifax]
All went to the old church… Noticed Miss Alexander, Dr Gervase’s eldest daughter, at church. Paris seems to have improved her exceedingly. She appeared a fine-looking girl. I stared upwards towards her so often that I think she observed it; in coming out of church, too & I thought of her all the while. I could soon admire her, I fancy, from seeing her this morning, but it would be great imprudence to think of such a thing. She is, or ought to be, quite out of my reach.
Thursday 7 June [Halifax]
Till very near four, trying on different things to see what would do & be wanted for my going to Newcastle.8 I seem to have scarce anything fit to wear, have little or no money & altogether, I felt despairing & unhappy. Resolved to go out to the Saltmarshes’ & thus divert my thoughts. In the afternoon at 4¾, down the old bank to the Saltmarshes’. Both gone out in the gig. Thence to Wellhead – came away because they had a party. Had not got much beyond the new church when 1 of the children (Ann) called me back. Could do no other than return… Had a good dinner of sweetbreads, white & Italian cream, in the common sitting-room & Miss Rawson sat with me all the while, twenty minutes. It was she would have me sent for & she certainly seems very fond of me. Had one cup of coffee. Except the pale Miss Luthwaite, they looked rather a second-hand party. Mrs Stansfield appeared well but, on talking to her, on a par with the rest. However, I agreeablized, talked a little to all & was amused.
Tuesday 12 June [Halifax]
At 10¾, Miss Rawson (Catherine) & Miss Crackenthorpe… called & staid ½ hour, Miss Rawson to say that, as it was Whitsuntide week, her father & mother did not like her to be out & hoped we should excuse her coming this evening… In the afternoon, at 5¼, walked along the new road & got past Pump when Miss Ann Walker of Crownest9 overtook me, having run herself almost out of breath. Walked with her as far as the Lidget entrance to their own grounds & got home at 6.40. Made myself, as I fancied, very agreeable & was particularly civil & attentive in my manner. I really think the girl is flattered by it & likes me. She wished me to drink tea with them. I hoped for another walk to Giles House & the readiness she expressed shewed that my proposition was by no means unwelcome. She has certainly no aversion to my conversation & company. After parting I could not help smiling to myself & saying the flirting with this girl has done me good. It is heavy work to live without women’s society & I would far rather while away an hour with this girl, who has nothing in the world to boast but good humour, than not flirt at all. If I had M— I should be very different. She has my heart & I should want no more than her, but now I am solitary and dull.
Wednesday 13 June [Halifax]
Finished my letter to M—… I have not exactly given her a promise in a set form of words but I have done nearly, in fact, the same thing, so that I cannot now retract with honour. Well, I am satisfied to have done. I love her & her heart is mine in return. Liberty & wavering made us both wretched & why throw away our happiness so foolishly? She is my wife in honour & in love & why not acknowledge her such openly & at once? I am satisfied to have her mind, & my own, at ease. The chain is golden & shared with M—. I love it better than any liberty.
Saturday 16 June [Halifax]
Between 3 & 4, a note & parcel from Mrs C. Saltmarshe with my drawers that I lent her for a pattern several weeks ago.
Tuesday 19 June [Halifax]
In the afternoon, at 3.50… straight to the library… Mr Browne came in just before 5 with one of the Dragoon officers of the Queen’s Bays. The former spoke to me, I thought in too familiar a tone. I scarce looked up & answered coolly. He is a thoroughly vulgar fellow. 2 troops of the Second Dragoon Guards or Queen’s Bays came into the town a few days ago – to remain here some time.
Friday 22 June [Halifax]
I owe a good deal to this journal. By unburdening my mind on paper I feel, as it were, in some degree to get rid of it; it seems made over to a friend that hears it patiently, keeps it faithfully, and by never forgetting anything, is always ready to compare the past & present & thus to cheer & edify the future. In the afternoon, at 4.40, walked with my aunt to Butters’ to choose stuff for curtains for my bed.
Saturday 23 June [Halifax]
A letter from Isabella Norcliffe… she gives a long account of a kick-up they have had at Langton among the servants. Hazelwood proved to have been a man of bad character & to have led astray Bessy, the dairy maid & Thomas, the footman.
Sunday 24 June [Halifax]
My uncle & aunt went to the old church & I to the new10… Called for Emma Saltmarshe as I went, sat with her, went home with her, & staid about ¾ hour… I feel as if I begin to speak too inconsiderately at the Saltmarshes’. Emma does not understand me, but takes for quizzing or satire what is really the innocent, careless buoyancy of uncontrouled [sic] cheerfulness, with no other feeling than of perfect good… I seem to have forgotten that Emma’s society is merely the best substitute to be had here for what would suit me better & that, good-hearted as she may be, it is foolish to throw off reserve too much. I must try to hit upon a happier medium. She often thinks I mean ten times more than ever entered my head, & fancies smiles & looks & double entendres I never dreamt of.
Sunday 1 July [Halifax]
Till eight & a half, mending my chemise & white petticoat… Settled my accounts for the last month. Find I have a penny too much, how I cannot tell for I think I have not missed setting anything down. Surely the mistake must have been committed I know not how long ago… My aunt gave me ten shillings for I told her, the other day, I must give the men a footing for leading the earth to the foot of the wall. We talked it over on Thursday evening & I said half a crown. I shall not tell her I promised them five shillings, for she has little idea of these things.
Monday 2 July [Halifax]
Down the old bank to the Saltmarshes’. Got there at 5½… Spent the evening with them & got home, in 20 minutes, at 9.40… Led into talking about myself after Mr Saltmarshe left the room. About my figure, manner of walking & my voice; their singularity, etc. Said I daresay Emma had sometimes wondered how I knew so much as I did but that many odd things had happened to me… Brought on the subject of my own oddities of which E
mma seems aware but to which she does not appear to object. In fact, she thinks me agreeable & likes me. So does her husband. She looked pretty this evening & once or twice as if conscious of a peculiar feeling when I looked at her. I told her there was no house to which I could go with so much comfort. Said I thought Mr Saltmarshe the most gentlemanly man we had & I liked him for the best. At all events, I think I can please the wife.
Tuesday 3 July [Halifax]
Foolish enough, but spent an hour & a half writing a prettily turned note to Emma, of which I have kept a copy… In the afternoon, at 4¾, went to the new road to speak to Jackman & thence down the old bank to the library… Gave Jackman five shillings for himself & the leaders & fillers, for putting the earth at the foot of the wall in front of us, & gave the librarian his half yearly five, also, for letting me have what books I like. From the library to the Saltmarshes to look at their bed to see how the curtains are made, as we have got new ones for my bed… Went to Northgate & met there my father & Marian just arrived from the Low Grange, near Market Weighton, by this evening’s mail… Shocked to see them both look vulgar. The first sight of them always makes me low & I feel it now, near nine, exceedingly. My father & aunt are gone out & I have left Marian to be by myself in my own room. I feel as if my heart was sick & my spirits frozen.
Monday 9 July [Halifax]
At 6¾ down the old bank… Walked with Mrs Rawson to Well-head. Mrs Waterhouse had a mantua-maker in the house; met me in the passage; very honestly but civilly & properly said she could not conveniently receive company & I came away without going beyond the door… My father seemed satisfied about the road. I think it will turn out well & I shall continue to look after it & see about the planting, etc.
Wednesday 11 July [Halifax]
Bought a couple of single cotton night-caps this morning of Richards, an itinerant hosier from Nottingham, for 1/4 – i.e. 8d. each. Cheap enough.
Sunday 15 July [Halifax]
From church walked up to the Saltmarshes’… Emma in a particular way & always ill at these times. Mending my stockings, etc., & trying on some old white waists & contriving to make them do instead of handkerchiefs to wear under an evening waist… Preparing clean stays, & dirty ones for the wash.
Monday 16 July [Halifax]
In the evening, Lowe the taylor [sic] having just made George an undress suit of livery very well, came to take orders for a dress suit, & is also to make for my uncle himself, in future.
Tuesday 17 July [Halifax]
Came upstairs at 10.35. From this to near three, planning about afternoon handkerchiefs, etc. I am sick of all this & wish I had anyone to do it for me, but all things have an end & surely I shall, by & by, get a style of dress that suits me without further trouble.
Thursday 19 July [Halifax]
Trying loops to my stockings & garters from my stays, but I don’t like the feel of them… Today being the coronation of George 4,11 all the haymakers (10 of them, including our 3 farming men) have had a shilling apiece & a good additional quantity of beer to drink the king’s health. The 7 men employed about the new road have had a shilling apiece, ditto the 5 men employed at the stone quarry. Our house servants likewise a shilling each & in addition, a bowl of strong punch of which the 3 farming men are to come in & partake & sup on roast beef. The allowance of punch is a pint for each person that, as the women will not drink their share, the men will have a tolerable portion. Fine day. Good hay day. Very warm.
Anne was due to pay a visit to M—’s brother and his wife at Newcastle, Staffordshire, where she & M— were to act as sponsors at the christening of Stephen (Steph) Belcombe’s baby daughter. Steph Belcombe (M—’s brother) was a doctor in practice at Newcastle. It was during this visit that a new and very serious complication entered the lives of Anne and M—. M— had, for a few days, been complaining of certain venereal symptoms. Anne developed the same symptoms. The two women concluded that they had contracted a venereal disease which M—’s husband had transmitted to her as a consequence of his extra-marital affairs, about which he apparently made no secret. M— in turn passed on the infection to Anne. The disease was to dominate Anne’s life and her journal becomes a record of its progress until she begins to feel she has it under control, assuming that the lessening, or non-appearance, of the symptoms indicates freedom from infection.
Friday 20 July [Newcastle, Staffs.]
Awakened about 4 by the most violent beating of hail I ever remember to have heard in my life, accompanied with a little thunder & repeated flashes of vivid lightning. Nearly fair as I walked to Halifax. The mail did not set off till 8 or 10 minutes before 7… Went as far as Sowerby Bridge in the inside. It being fair, went the rest of the way on the box… Steph met me coming from the inn. Very glad to see me. Ditto Harriet [his wife]… Note from M— to say they can’t come till Sunday… M— nervous about seeing me & wishes our meeting over… Put by my things & settled my accounts & wrote this of today. Had to dust out the drawers & shelves of the wardrobe. They are not used to have [sic] people so particular as I am. However, I feel comfortable & settled now.
Sunday 22 July [Newcastle, Staffs.]
Had given up expecting M— when she arrived at 4½ in the carriage. Looking well, much improved in appearance since I saw her last in York 1½ years ago… M—’s coming made me rather nervous & I therefore took two glasses of wine after dinner. She & I sat up talking… I am thoroughly convinced of M—’s attachment & devotion to me & have said all to comfort & reconcile her to our situation.
Monday 23 July [Newcastle, Staffs.]
We talked all last night & only closed our eyes to dose [sic] about half-hour, just before getting up. Went to M— but somehow did not manage a good kiss. Refused to promise till I had really felt that she was my wife. Went to her a second time. Succeeded better & then bound ourselves to each other by an irrevocable promise for ever, in pledge of which, turned on her finger the gold ring I gave her several years ago & also her wedding ring which had not been moved off her finger since her marriage. She seems devoted to me & I can & shall trust her now… It has occurred to me – can C— have given her a venereal disease?… About 1½, Mr & Mrs Meeke (she Harriet’s sister) arrived for the Xtening [sic] from the Broomes’, near Stone. At 2, we all went to the parish church… Mr Goldsmid, & M— & myself being the sponsors for the little Mariana Percy Belcombe, called at my request after M—. The child behaved remarkably well. Just before dinner, had my hair cut by Mr Williams who did it very nicely. M— & I made our little goddaughter a joint present of a silver knife & fork & spoon in a case and a little silver drinking cup. Altogether, five pounds. M— bought them the other day at Liverpool.
Saturday 28 July [Newcastle, Staffs.]
M— & I talked matters over. We have agreed to solemnize our promise of mutual faith by taking the sacrament together when next we meet at Shibden, not thinking it proper to use any more still binding ceremony during C—’s life. Talked matters thoroughly over during our walk. I should live with my aunt. If Marian does not marry she must have a home with us & I thought I could eventually make up fifteen hundred a year. C— will probably make up M—’s income [to] eight.
Sunday 29 July [Newcastle, Staffs.]
About 6, the carriage came for M— from Lawton & she left us about 8. She was very low. In consoling, I said we might perhaps get together sooner than we expected. She replied that there might be a rowe [sic] & a quarrel & a parting any day & that with little opportunity & importunity, I might bring it about whenever I chose… I see & believe she is entirely devoted to me. I have given her my promise & my faith forever. I love & trust her & shall henceforth only hope that we shall one day be happy together. From what Watson says, C— has been unwell & in a bad humour all the week.
Anne remains at Newcastle for a few days after M—’s departure. In her discovery of certain symptoms, she turns to M—’s brother Steph, in his capacity as a doctor, for help, whilst carefully concealing her own case.
Friday 3 August [Newc
astle, Staffs.]
In the morning, begged of Steph, & thus rescued from the most ignoble of purposes, the number of the Critical Review for July, 1774… Feel a queer, hottish, itching sensation tonight, about the pudendum.
Saturday 4 August [Newcastle, Staffs.]
A few minutes conversation with Steph before breakfast. Mention M— & my suspicion of venereal. He said he was treating her as for this & suspected it, tho’ there were certainly some symptoms against it. I hinted that some latent principle of the disease might have broken out in C—. He answered no, but it might or must be some late imprudence. Said I knew someone in the same situation. A young married woman, poor, who had tried much advice without relief & therefore asked Steph for the prescription he gave M—, which he promised. I begin to look at home, for the heat & itching I felt last night have been considerable today & I am persuaded of being touched with the complaint.
Monday 6 August [Manchester]
Talked to Steph a little before Harriet came down. He scarce knows what to think of M—. C— looked so innocent the other day, he hardly thinks him guilty. However, he has met with men in his practice, & who bear very good characters, who have played their wives this trick. Talked of old times. I said how gross C— used to be; that he complained to her father of M—’s coldness & he answered she required more dalliance. Said I accidentally saw a passage in one of C—’s letters when M— was last in York in which he said she could not expect him to be quite correct during so long an absence… M— came about 11. I believe her heart is wholly mine & I am quite satisfied. Told her she had certainly given me a venereal taint & that I had felt very bad yesterday. Said how I had got Steph’s prescription & should begin to use it as soon as I got home. We neither of us seemed to care much about the thing… M— left us about 1 & I got into the Cobourg coach about 2 & arrived at Manchester about 7¼… Dined at 8½ on mock turtle, veal cutlets, potatoes & tart, and afterwards, biscuits & cherries… Feel very comfortable here. The heat & itching have not been near so bad today.
The Secret Diaries Of Miss Anne Lister Page 18