Anne was now thirty-one and felt it was time to take stock of her life. Her venereal disease gave her cause to reflect seriously before taking up new liaisons. Her relationship with Isabella had become platonic and M— was still far from being free to join her life with Anne’s. On the social front the usual round of visiting at Halifax and York was beginning to lose its interest. Anne had always been a social climber and tended to want to increase her circle of influential acquaintances at the expense of her more homely companions. In her heart, she had never counted the Belcombes, the Duffins, or Miss Marsh her social equals and it was only her love for M— that kept her in touch with them. Indeed, one Halifax friend, Ellen Empson, took up the issue of Anne’s disdain towards people from her own town.
Saturday 20 April [Halifax]
At 1.40, down the new bank to Halifax. Called at a shop or 2, & at Miss Kitson’s. Went for ½ hour to the library till the Saltmarshes had done dinner. Read a few pp. of a translation of Cicero’s treatise on old age. Went to the Saltmarshes’ at 3 & got home at 5.40. Staid with them in the dining-room after dinner about an hour, then, going into the drawing-room, happened to mention the letter Mrs Empson wrote to me last autumn at Croft. [Darlington, where Anne was paying a visit to Isabella’s relations.] One thing led to another till she & I (or rather, she) talked the matter entirely over. She seemed exceedingly warm & gave me little opportunity of saying much. She had written what she thought & felt & with reason. I had been a month in York without writing a word of inquiry, not even after her mother who liked me next to her own family, & had always been particularly kind & attentive to me. I had met Mr Empson in the street (at York) & only asked if Mrs Rawson was arrived, not if Ellen had got her confinement over. She heard of me being at every party, etc. I should not have treated any of my other friends so. I could not find even a day to go over & call, tho’ I knew I might any time have the carriage or gig. I was always attentive in inquiring after & going to see her here… I attempted to take the thing civilly & said if she had merely told me in her letter, as she did now, that she was hurt, I should have understood it & been sorry, but that, even now, I should be happy to be convinced that she had the better cause of the 2. However, she was so warm & energetic in her manner, I scarce knew what to make of it. She said my conduct had been quite inconsistent with my professions. In reply to this, to the charge of calling on her here, I merely said calling on her here was in my way. I could not so call when in York & certainly could not suppose they would send twice 16 miles for me to make a call – for they must send into York 8 miles, take me to Elvington 8 miles, then back again 8 miles, then the carriage would return home 8 miles, so that the servant & carriage must have gone 32 miles on this occasion. Absurd! I told Ellen she was very warm & I very cool. She said she did not like these indifferent people. She ‘liked a good fellow who would out with his mind & have done with it!’2 Vulgarity is a bad concern with me. It was no still small voice that saluted my ear, & I felt sorry for myself that a good fellow-liking lady should take occasion to call my sincerity & consistency in question. Perhaps the insinuation that I could call upon & be civil to her here tho’ not in York, was not the most pleasing part of the story. When at first I said I was sorry (when she told me she had been hurt) and would write another time, she replied she begged I would not, for it would be as bitter a pill to her to read as to me to write, then spoke of the regard she did feel. I told her I had noticed the tense in which she spoke. However, on my coming away, she would shake hands – said she should never think of it again – begged I would not ‘ruminate’ up the bank, for that I had her ‘forgiveness’. I merely smiled & said I thought it was not for her to talk of forgiveness… Such is the folly of getting into a sort of connections at home with people one is afterwards rather ashamed of. Besides, she merely suited me a little to flirt with her, before she was married. Tho’ I really did, & do, think her amiable &, as such, should esteem her, but any great friendship is out of the question. She is too vulgar. I must manage as well as I can in future.
Wednesday 8 May [Halifax]
Called at the Saltmarshes’. All out. Rejoined my aunt, called with her on Mrs Veitch – not at home. We then called on Mrs William Rawson – she particularly engaged & we did not see her. At this moment, Mrs Rawson, Mrs Empson & Emma came to call at Mrs Stansfield Rawson’s. Spoke to them. Said I had been calling. Asked if they would be at home after dinner. Finding they were going out, said I would send a note to Mrs Rawson… We all looked rather like shy-cats but seemed to carry it off as well as we could… Then went to Holden’s, the booksellers… on going out of the shop, as nearly as possible run over by a gig going at a great rate & very suddenly turning the corner.
Wednesday 22 May [Halifax]
On the bridge, met the Saltmarshes in the gig on the road to Harrogate. Fine-looking horse that could go 9 miles an hour, but they mean to drive him at the rate of 6, & will get to Harrogate about 5 in the afternoon. They had no servants. Emma had a shawl on, an imitation Kashmeer [sic] & they looked rather like mercantile people… Wrote to Walker, the glover, to order 8 pairs of his best French kid white long gloves for M—.
Thursday 30 May [Halifax]
Wrote 2pp. to Mr Duffin… [to] say we had just got a very pretty four-year-old, useful mare, fit for anything, & Mr Greenwood had met with a handsome 3 year-old bay colt that we mean to buy to match the horse… Having dated my letter tomorrow, I have mentioned the mare as arrived from Bradford as the last night, price £30, ‘to be called Vienne, from a little circumstance relative to Vienne in Dauphiny.3 The bay colt to be called Hotspur to match Percy.4 Hotspur, I hope, £25. His owner is what Thomas calls “an innocent farmer” who might have a hundred guineas for the horse easily enough 2 years hence…’ A minute or 2 before 12, Thomas (Greenwood) arrived from Bradford with the mare which, after giving his owner, a butcher, 4 glasses of gin & water, he managed to buy for £27… She is a very pretty mare & very cheap. Thomas came into the room to us & staid till 11. To come early in the morning to try the mare in the gig. He had a glass of gin & water & gooseberry tart in the room.
Friday 31 May [Halifax]
Out at 7¾, looking after the mare. We had her in the gig & Thomas & I set off at 8.10. Led her through the hall-green & ½ way up Cunnery Lane. Then got in & Thomas drove as far as a little way beyond Haley-hill & then I drove to the railing beyond Boothtown. She is a very nice mare & likely to turn out all we want but she never had a curb bit in her mouth till yesterday & she must be put into the bridles a little, directly. In attempting to turn her, she having no mouth & knowing nothing about it, she backed almost over the low side. We both jumped out & led her, then Thomas got in & drove & I led her, for he could drive her no better than I could. In fact, I think I am the better whip of the two.
Saturday 1 June [Halifax]
My uncle brought down his will that he has written &, I think, has taken it with him to Halifax to give to Mr Wrigglesworth. I read it over… He makes out that my aunt will have rather more than four hundred a year, exclusive of Northgate, & I shall have about a hundred & forty-five. He never mentioned the turnpike money. But everything is secured to me except the navigation money, which will be at my aunt’s disposal.
Friday 7 June [Halifax]
My aunt mentioned yesterday that Mrs Veitch told her that Mrs Kelly (Miss Brown that was) was expected at Halifax & is now probably with her father & mother at Westfield. I made no remark. It has once or twice occurred to me whether to call or not, but I think I shall let it alone. She cannot call here. I have no reason for keeping up the acquaintance & have, in fact, thought little or nothing about it. Perhaps she may be at the old church on Sunday but if it is very hot I shall not see her for I shall not go.
Sunday 9 June [Halifax]
In going into church, looked for Mrs Kelly &, in coming out, turned round in the aisle & used my glass, but did not see her. She could not be there or I should have seen her. The Greenwoods saw me look. I should have gone up & spoken & walked
out of church with her if she had been there & asked when she would be at home that I might call. Vide my journal of last Friday, I will not neglect her. She might be hurt. It might be the town’s plan, & they shall not have such glorious opportunity of haranguing about my caprice, etc. I now think of sending George to inquire when she is expected. I felt a little nervous, shall I call it, at the thought of seeing her. I wonder if she is improved or not… Just before supper, took a few turns on the flags without hat.
Monday 10 June [Halifax]
At 5¾, set off in the gig… Went forward to Crownest. Mr & Mrs Stocks (Michael, the justice of Catherine Slack) got out of their chaise just before me. I therefore sent in to inquire after Mr Walker & the rest. Mrs Walker came to the door & I would not alight for fear of stumbling on their choice company.
Tuesday 11 June [Halifax]
Before breakfast, wrote 3pp. of my letter to Isabel Dalton… mentioned also my aunt & I taking a fortnight’s tour in Wales, & wished they knew anyone acquainted with Lady Eleanor Butler & Miss Ponsonby.
Sunday 16 June [Halifax]
Down the old bank, thro’ the old church yard direct to the new church. Rang at the Saltmarshes’ door. No one answered, all gone to church. Mrs Rawson (Mrs Christopher) drove up in her carriage. Offered to set me down at the new church. Of course, I refused, tho’ as civilly as I could. Strange that she should not know better than to ask me… In passing Mrs Ralph’s gate in returning this afternoon, saw Mrs James Stansfield there, (who seemed to hold out her hand very cordially) & the Misses Sarah & Emma Rawson, to whom I spoke en passant. Shook hands with the former, of course it was her doing, but not with the others.
Tuesday 18 June [Halifax]
Dined at 5¼, and at 6¼ off in the gig to Crownest, to take a walk with Miss Ann Walker, having talked of it ever since my walk with her last year. Only her sister & herself at home. They could not both leave the house & Miss Ann Walker & I were tête-à-tête… Very civil, etc, but she is a stupid vulgar girl. Indeed, I scarce know which of the party is the least vulgar & I have no intention of taking more walks, or letting the acquaintance go one jot further. I asked her to come to Shibden & walk in our valley & here I hope the thing will end.
Sunday 23 June [Halifax]
We all set off twice to go to church & turned back on account of rain. My aunt then staid at home & my uncle & I went. Mr Knight (the vicar) preached 34 minutes (stupidly enough) from 2 Corinthians.ii.29, on behalf of the distressed Irish peasantry. My uncle gave a pound note & I half a crown… Called at Jagger’s on my return to desire him to have light harness ready for Vienne to go tandem… Got home at 1½. Went downstairs at 4.20. In the meanwhile, mending my silk tops &, for about an hour, scaling my teeth with a penknife. I have really got them pretty clear of tartar.
Thursday 27 June [Halifax]
Talking, after supper, to my uncle & aunt about M—. One thing led to another till I said plainly, in substance, that she would not have married if she or I had had good independent fortunes. That her having C— was as much my doing as hers & that I hoped she would one day be in the Blue Room, that is, live with me. I said we both of us knew we could not live on air. Besides, I did not like her being in Petergate [York] & had rather have her at Lawton than there. My uncle, as usual, said little or nothing but seemed well enough satisfied. My aunt talked, appearing not at all surprised, saying she always thought it a match of convenience.
Friday 28 June [Halifax]
Looking over M—’s letters of 1820, fancying it was then she & Lou took their 2 little tours in Wales. Found, however, that it was in June, 1817. Took out her 2 letters descriptive & mean to take these with us when we go. Just before breakfast, 3pp. & the ends & one side crossed, from M— (Lawton)… M— advises drab for George instead of either black or green and says, ‘Why not have, for undress, a white short jacket without either black collar or cuffs. Mrs Langley’s undress is this, altho’ her livery is blue & yellow & I have heard her give as a reason that it was less trouble to keep clean, & in travelling did not spoil by the dust’… Wrote 3pp. & one of the ends to M— (Lawton) & sent them this afternoon at 3.20 in the hope of its going by this afternoon’s mail. Asked several questions what she gave the gardener for shewing Lady Eleanor Butler’s & Miss Ponsonby’s grounds at Llangollen, etc. Asked also about George’s coat &, on this account, want an early answer because it is time the thing was ordered.
Sunday 30 June [Halifax]
At 2.25, set off with my aunt in the gig for Sowerby Bridge church. Drove there in 36 minutes. Left the gig & horses at the Inn. Mrs Dyson (of Willowfield) having seen us, sent her oldest son to beg we would sit with her, which we did, in the east end of the north gallery. Very civil in her. She asked us also to go back with her to tea, which we, of course, declined. Mr Franks preached 27 minutes, drawlingly & stupidly… Turned on to Skircoat Moor at King Cross. A ranter’s meeting there & a great many people about what seemed like 2 hustings… During supper, mending my nightcap.
Monday 1 July [Halifax]
Letter from Isabella Dalton (Croft Rectory, Darlington). Her father says no introduction [to Lady Eleanor Butler and Miss Ponsonby] will be necessary. ‘Any literary person especially calling on them would be taken as a compliment.’… Dawdled away all the morning… scratching my head & arrant dawdling. From 1¼ to 2¼, looking over my accounts & calculating our probable travelling expenses per day for my aunt & myself & a manservant & 2 horses. For George & the horses I allow 15/– a day; & for ourselves (including a pint of wine a day) I allow 20/–; and the turnpikes I average at a penny a mile. In the afternoon, at 3¼, set off in the gig… sent George to inquire at Westfield if Mrs Kelly was come or expected. She had been come a fortnight. Drove up to the door for a minute or two & told her I could not possibly get out then, but would call some other time. She was looking very well, improved in looks but her black gown was too much trimmed & her hands & nails not clean. I had my old pelisse on & was, in fact, too great a figure to get out. If I had taken no notice of her, she might have felt it & it might have been a town’s talk. The sight of her looking so well made me feel that sort of interest I always do for women I at all admire. She seemed not grown more ladylike, but I shall call soon. My admiration of her is a sort of toy. I felt towards [her] as if I felt she had been an old flirt of mine & shall be glad enough to talk to her a little, tho’ I shall, of course, notice her in future as may chance to suit my inclination & circumstances… My aunt told me this evening my uncle meant to allow me fifty pounds a year & she was to make out the rest. He will give me twenty-five at midsummer. He means it to be an agreeable surprise to me.
Tuesday 2 July [Halifax]
Came upstairs at 11.50. About 12½, the dog barked. The cook got up to look out of the back kitchen window & there was a great tall fellow sitting on the stone bench by the door. I asked him gruffly what he was doing there but, not seeing him, he must have made off immediately on finding we were up. I charged the pistol with ball.
Wednesday 3 July [Halifax]
At 3.50, took George in the gig & drove in ½ hour direct to Westfield… Sat 50 minutes with Mrs Kelly… [She] was evidently nervous at first but I rallied her about one thing or other & turned it off. Said I knew she had hardly expected my calling. She owned it. She thought I might have forgotten her. I told her she had not the faith that would remove mountains… She now & then rather coloured when I looked & spoke to her. Was glad to hear she was so happy. Said there was a great difference between a married woman & an inexperienced young lady. She looked pretty, I think, & rather improved in manner than otherwise. I know my manner might strike her as having all or much of its former peculiarity & I wondered what she thought & felt… My whole manner was a compliment. I think she felt it so & surely most women would.
Friday 5 July [Halifax]
Before breakfast, writing out a rather altered & shorter Welsh tour, finding my aunt & I cannot be absent more than 14 or 15 days. She talks of only affording twenty pounds but, my uncle says,
is to take thirty if she brings the rest back.
Saturday 6 July [Halifax]
My father & Marian arrived at 2 from Skelfler (Market Weighton) having come from York by the Highflier. They are both looking very well… My uncle told me at breakfast this morning that he would give me twenty-five pounds now & regularly allow me fifty a year. I said how much I was obliged to him. I hope this & some small certainty from my aunt will make me comfortable in future.
On Thursday 11 July, Anne and her aunt set off for a tour of North Wales. They were away from home until 27 July. The two high spots of the holiday, for Anne, were her meeting with M—, whom she arranged to meet for one night in Chester, and a visit to the Ladies of Llangollen.
Thursday 11 July [Manchester]
Breakfasted very comfortably, & my aunt & I off in the gig on our way to Manchester at 6½… We reached here at 1.15 by the Manchester clocks. We had scarcely got into the gig before it began to rain a little & continued, more or less, till about 3 miles from here. We had the top put up in time & did not get at all wet, tho’ the rain met us almost directly… The rain seemed so set in for the afternoon & evening that we have made ourselves comfortable for dinner at 5 & mean to go to bed very early that we may be off at 5 in the morning. We immediately sent for the coach-maker Mr Lacey employs & at his, Mr Lacey’s, recommendation, are going to have the new front springs on a different principle which will raise the gig 1 or 1½ inch, to which, on the plea of the spring leather being likely to last longer & be safer, my aunt at once consented. The hack-horse had carried George very well. For this, & for his new riding coat & waistcoat, he had to wait last night at Halifax & did not get back till more than 10½. ’Tis now 4¼. It rains incessantly & I am ½ asleep… Dinner at 5¼. 2 very nice souls [sic], veal-cutlets, potatoes, peas, tarts & cheese. We did not have more than a glass of our pint of port… Came upstairs to bed at 8¾. The bill for the horses; hay 3/–, corn 2/8… We got the waiter to give us sovereigns for some of our Rochdale & Halifax notes, for which we paid a penny each note.5
The Secret Diaries Of Miss Anne Lister Page 21