by Shane Dunphy
Dr Kilshannon took a large, leather-bound diary from his briefcase and leafed through it.
‘The next available space, if I make some shuffles to accommodate you, will be in,’ he took out a red pen and made some adjustments to his notes, ‘three months’ time. November fifteenth.’
Ben and I looked at one another. I read in his eyes exactly what I knew he saw in mine.
‘Thank you for your help, doctor,’ he said, standing up and extending his hand. ‘I think we’ll just have to make our own arrangements. The need here is immediate.’
While Ben showed the bemused young psychologist out, I pulled over the file and looked again at the picture the boys had drawn during that first play session of the spectre they had seen. I looked at it for a long time. There was no help for us then. Three months was too long. The boys could not wait three months, and neither could I.
‘All right, Toddy,’ I said to the picture. ‘You’ve come to us. It’s our turn to go to you.’
Ben came back in and sat down opposite me.
‘Well, that was a waste of time,’ he said. ‘I don’t know why I build my hopes up every time, but I always do.’
‘It’s okay,’ I said, putting the picture back into the file. ‘I know what needs to be done.’
‘Do we have a cunning plan, then?’
‘We do,’ I said, and told him.
‘We got your report on the visit to the Byrne house,’ Bríd said to me over the phone. I had been about to leave the office to go and see Mina at the hospital when the call came. ‘It makes for unpleasant reading.’
‘Did you expect otherwise?’
‘I suppose not. I have passed a copy on to social services and to the police. I am told that a prosecution will almost certainly follow.’
‘Good.’
‘You may be asked to testify.’
‘I have no problem with that.’
‘Olwyn has asked for some time off on grounds of stress.’
‘That’s probably for the best.’
‘Might it have been better to have brought one of the more experienced members of staff with you?’
‘No. She was the best person for the job.’
‘I’m afraid she may not return to us.’
‘Don’t underestimate her, Bríd. She’s already a good childcare worker. I think she’s going to be a great one. You’ve read the report. You know what happened. She held up pretty well under the circumstances.’
‘Mmm.’
‘How are Larry and Francey doing?’
‘They are a little introverted, but none the worse for wear. Karena has been putting in some extra shifts, spending a lot of time with them.’
‘You’ve got a good team, Bríd. I hope you realize it.’
‘I do.’
‘I dare say Olwyn will be back with you in a day or two. Give her some time. You won’t regret it.’
‘When will we be seeing you again?’
‘I’ll be out tomorrow.’
Mina smiled when I came into her room. The doctor had told me that she’d been tested for HIV, gonorrhoea, syphilis and a battery of other sexually transmitted infections. The Henrys’ money had ensured a rapid response to the tests, and the results, thankfully, had all come back clear. She wasn’t pregnant either. The medical staff had treated her for pubic lice as a matter of course. Mina had suffered severe vaginal bruising and some internal lacerations, but they would heal.
I had brought her flowers, some teen magazines (which I normally don’t approve of, but thought I could waive my distaste just this once) and a box of chocolates.
‘How are you doing, Mina?’
‘Okay. Mum and Dad have just gone home to change their clothes.’
‘Have they given you a hard time?’
‘No. They’ve been really great.’
‘That’s good.’
‘They’ve said that me and Jacob can see each other whenever we want.’ She sat up painfully and opened the sweets. ‘Want one?’
‘Thanks.’ I popped a hazelnut whirl in my mouth. ‘Yeah, they told me about Jacob. That’s really brilliant.’
‘I can’t wait to tell him. They’re going to bring me in my phone so I can ring him.’
‘I know he’ll be dead chuffed to hear from you.’
‘He’s the best,’ she said, smiling at the thought of him.
‘So.’ I had to bring up what had happened. ‘Does that mean no more wandering? Because I almost didn’t find you this time.’
‘I know. I’m sorry, Shane. I didn’t mean for it to go so wrong.’
‘What happened, Mina? I think you owe me an explanation.’
‘I don’t want to talk about it. I’m tired.’
‘Honey, it was bad, but it could have been an awful lot worse. I’d like to know why you were there, in that awful room with those men, in the state you were in.’
She looked away from me, towards the wall, for a while. I knew she was trying to work out where to begin. There was so much that had to be said.
‘I love Jacob,’ she said finally.
‘I know you do.’
‘But I didn’t think I’d ever be allowed to be with him.
When I ran away first, I was trying to find where he lived. Dad had said once that Jacob’s family lived in a poor part of town, so I walked until I found a place that seemed to be poor. And I asked a man I met if he knew where Jacob Benedict lived. He said he didn’t, but asked if he could take me for a drink.’
‘Terence Fields.’
‘Yes. It was Terry.’
Sometimes fate steps in and goes out of its way to make matters considerably more messed up than they already are. I have often, when faced with the most ludicrous and unlucky coincidences that litter some of my cases, been flabbergasted at the perversity of fortune. Had Mina really just run into this predator by accident? It seemed more likely that Fields had spotted her, wandering alone by the docks, and followed until an opportunity to make contact presented itself. At any rate, this vulnerable young woman and this despicable man had, somehow, found one another in the side-streets of the city that night, and a chain of events had been set in motion.
‘Tell me about him.’
‘He was nice to me. He was old, and kind of ugly, and he didn’t smell good, but he treated me like I was just the same as anyone else. He told me I was beautiful. Desirable, he said. We did things grown-ups do. We went for drinks in the pub, and to the pictures, and he let me sleep in his bed if I did … private … things with him.’
‘He shouldn’t have made you do those things, Mina.’
‘I didn’t mind, mostly. He made funny noises and shouted out my name, but he told me that this was what people who liked each other did. He said it was grown-up love. I needed to learn about it. Me and Jacob, we just kissed and hugged, but Terry did a lot more than that. It felt good.’
‘Mina, that’s sex. It’s not love.’ This is a conversation I always hate having with kids. Trying to find the correct words, being honest without sounding patronizing is never easy. Combine that with the complex business of undoing the mischief done by a sex offender, and you have a potential minefield. ‘People who love one another do it, yeah, but – shit, Mina, it’s complicated.’ I gave up for now. She was still doped up and confused anyway.
‘I know about sex. I’ve read about it.’
‘You can catch things, and get pregnant.’
‘I know all that. Terry said you have to leave it in for seven minutes to get pregnant, though, and he was never even nearly that long.’
‘That’s just not true. He should have been using condoms. Do you know what they are?’
‘He didn’t like using condoms. He said something about taking a bath with your clothes on. I didn’t understand that.’
‘It’s just something men say. It doesn’t mean anything.’
‘I liked Terry. He was sort of my boyfriend. Mum and Dad wouldn’t let me be with Jacob, so when I got lonely, I’d go and see Terry. When I
was with him, it was just as if I didn’t look like this. I was a woman, not a retard. So, when I ran away that last time, I went straight to him, and told him I wanted to live in his place. He was so happy. He said we’d have a party, and invite some friends over. Except all his friends were men, and they weren’t nice. They all wanted to touch me, and when I asked them to stop, they wouldn’t. I asked him to make them leave me alone, and he told me not to be rude; these were our guests and I should make sure they had a good time.’
‘What did you do?’
‘I did what they wanted. And kept doing it. It hurt, after a while, and I started to cry. They gave me drink and pills to take, and that helped, ’cause it got so as I didn’t really know what was happening. Then you were there, with that man. Was he a guard?’
‘No. He was a friend, someone who wanted to help.’
‘They were really frightened of him. It was like he had something behind his eyes that they saw, but I couldn’t.’
‘I think he wanted them to see it.’
‘You saved me. You and him.’
‘I found you. Your mum and dad and Jacob – and you – will have to do the saving now.’
‘I thought they would kill me. I think they would have eventually.’
‘I don’t know. It doesn’t help to think of what might have happened. You should think of what will happen now. How to put things right. There will be times over the next while, maybe even for the rest of your life, when you’ll suddenly think of what happened in that room with those men, and you’ll get scared. But we’ll organize someone to help you to cope with that, when it happens.’
‘I’m not scared any more. And I’m not lonely. Jacob and me, we’re going to be together.’
‘Yes. But there’s a lot of work still to do. Your mum and dad have had an awful fright too. Your relationship with them is going to change, but with change come new challenges. It isn’t going to be all plain sailing.’
‘No, but it’ll be honest. Up until now it’s been about lies. They’ve wanted me to be what I wasn’t, and I’ve wanted them to be what they weren’t. Now we can see one another as we really are. Have another sweet.’
I took one, and we forgot about such difficult issues and munched through the box of chocolates and talked about funny things that had happened at the workshop, and who was number one in the Pop Charts, and that little cottage with its vegetable garden where she and Jacob might one day live if life got simpler and easier.
Olwyn was not surprised when I sat down beside her in the Internet café. She looked as if she hadn’t been sleeping much.
‘Don’t you have Internet access at home?’ I asked her.
‘Yeah.’
‘So why do you do so much of your work here?’
‘Gets me out of the house.’
‘Isn’t it expensive?’
‘I’m a member. Special rates.’
‘Does your mum know you’re on stress leave?’
‘Jesus, no. She’d freak out completely.’
There was nothing to say to that. After my conversations with Mina about her relationship with her parents, I hadn’t the heart to get into a similar exchange with Olwyn.
‘How’ve you been?’
‘Oh, brilliant. I’ve had time to really streamline the message boards on the sites. We were getting a load of spam, y’know?’
‘You know that wasn’t what I meant.’
‘I’ve decided not to go back, Shane. I’m going to go into web design. I’m really good at it. I just need to think of a way to tell my mother … any advice on that?’
‘You did really well, at the house, Olwyn. It was tough. You held it together.’
‘Yeah, I know I did okay, but, see, since then, I keep having nightmares. I can’t sleep, and I can’t eat, and I can’t stop thinking about that bedroom and that little cupboard with the shit all over the floor and the walls.’
The tone of her voice was getting more and more high-pitched, and I knew she was about to start hyperventilating. I shushed her and put an arm around her shoulders.
‘Hey, slow down. Breathe, just breathe for a second.’
She gradually got herself under control.
‘Sorry. Didn’t mean to lose the run of myself. I’m kind of all over the place. I just … just can’t get my head around what Larry and Francey told us. I mean, I’ve been to college and I’ve read case studies. I know about all the awful things people do to each other. But the sheer, abject nastiness of what those sick fucks did to their children … and they didn’t do it for money or to get approval from anyone else. They weren’t showing off to other sick fucks. They did it for no other reason than that they wanted to. And that’s what’s killing me. The twins’ lives have been destroyed because their parents just … felt like doing it.’
‘We know that there was abuse, at least in Malachi Byrne’s past. I suspect that if we were to examine Vera’s childhood, we’d probably find something awful there too. But then, maybe not. There are people who are motivated by things we’ll never understand.’
‘I don’t think I want to live in a world where that’s the case. Pain like that has to have a reason.’
‘It’s a cliché, but sometimes bad things happen to good people – shit happens, as the bumper sticker says.’
‘No. I can’t believe that. It has to be more than just a big, twisted, cosmic joke.’
I didn’t have anything useful to say. Olwyn was going through the existential crisis everyone involved in child protection experiences at some point in their lives: is there some hidden, deeper meaning behind it all, or are you just a pawn in a huge, cosmological game of chess in which there is never a winner?
‘Olwyn, you’re going to have to work this one out for yourself. You’ve had it, probably as tough as it gets, quite early in your career, and you’re asking questions any intelligent person would ask. The problem is: each of us has to come up with our own answers, ones that will fit into our personal belief systems and view of the world.’
‘How do you do it? What do you believe?’
‘You don’t want to know what I think.’
‘Yes, I do. I’d really like to know.’
I wanted to help her, but the truth was I was fairly mixed up on this issue, and had been for a while. It was going to be hard to articulate. I took a deep breath.
‘I think there is good and bad in everyone. Most of us keep the bad parts under control, and get on with our lives and generally are nice to those around us. But some people, because they were abused or neglected or hurt in some way, or sometimes because the wiring in their heads is a bit messed up, they can’t keep those bad elements in check, and they hurt; and they try to deal with all that hurting by sharing it out, giving a little bit of it to this person and that person. But that doesn’t work, and the hurt just keeps getting bigger, and now there’s more people hurting.’
‘If that’s true, then we can’t ever beat it. It’s insurmountable.’
I shrugged. Maybe she was right.
‘Could be. But, you see, I’m not trying to beat it. I know I can’t change the world. I used to think I could, but I know now that I can’t. That’s for bigger, smarter, better people than me. What I can do is try to alleviate the hurt that I encounter. You can’t make it go away, but you can help people deal with it and maybe find a way to live with it. And in time, I think it does go away. Eventually, little by little.’
‘I don’t know if I’m strong enough for this, Shane.’
‘You’ll get strong.’
‘Will I?’
‘You will. But don’t get too strong, okay? You’ve got to keep some of the softness too, or you can’t do the job. The children need the softness. When you held Larry in the shed, and cried with him and for him – that’s what he’ll remember, because no one ever did that for him before. No one cared enough.’
‘I think I was crying for me, too.’
I patted her on the hand.
‘I know. Show me what you�
�ve been doing with the websites. Maybe you can make a Buffy convert of me yet.’
14
I parked at the gate and opened the rear doors of the Austin for Micky and Bobby. I had been out earlier, and knew exactly where Toddy Walsh’s grave was situated. The municipal graveyard was a large, sprawling affair that spread over many acres. There was a map just inside the gate which was colour-coded by year of burial, and through that I had managed to locate the general area where Toddy had been interred. It had then been a process of walking up and down the paths, examining the details on the headstones until I found the right one.
Biddy had not scrimped on the grave. A statue of an angel wielding a great broadsword, carved in black marble, stood eight feet above me. The inscription on the base of the monument said: Thomas Walsh, loving husband. Father to Robert and Michael. With much love. The date of his birth and death were underneath. He had been thirty years old when he died.
The boys, each holding one of my hands, walked silently through the thousands of burial markers until we stood beneath the militant angel.
‘Do you know what this is, lads?’ I asked them.
They shook their heads.
‘This is where your daddy is buried.’
They said nothing, looking up at the winged soldier.
‘Daddy idn’t dead,’ Bobby said, although he was beginning to look a little uncertain.
‘Yeah, he telled us he wadn’t ready to be dead,’ Micky said.
I squatted down next to them.
‘No, boys. He is dead. This is his grave, right here. When someone dies, the people take their body – which is what’s left of you after you die – and they put it into a box and then the box goes down into a big hole in the ground. They stick statues and stones and stuff on top of it, so that people will know where to come and say prayers and remember what you were like. This is where your daddy was buried after he died.’
‘No,’ Bobby said, a look of panic spreading across his face. ‘Tha’s not right!’
I took him gently by the shoulders. ‘It is, Bob. You didn’t go to the funeral, did you?’
‘How can he be dead?’ Micky asked, wringing his hands. ‘He can’t be, Shane.’