by Woody Allen
1718: Birth of the Earl of Sandwich to upper-class parents. Father is delighted at being appointed chief farrier to His Majesty the King-a position he will enjoy for several years, until he discovers he is a blacksmith and resigns embittered. Mother is a simple Hausfrau of German extraction, whose uneventful menu consists essentially of lard and gruel, although she does show some flair for culinary imagination in her ability to concoct a passable sillabub.
1725-35: Attends school, where he is taught horseback riding and Latin. At school he comes in contact with cold cuts for the first time and displays an unusual interest in thinly sliced strips of roast beef and ham. By graduation this has become an obsession, and although his paper on “The Analysis and Attendant Phenomena of Snacks” arouses interest among the faculty, his classmates regard him as odd.
1736: Enters Cambridge University, at his parents’ behest, to pursue studies in rhetoric and metaphysics, but displays little enthusiasm for either. In constant revolt against everything academic, he is charged with stealing loaves of bread and performing unnatural experiments with them. Accusations of heresy result in his expulsion.
1738: Disowned, he sets out for the Scandinavian countries, where he spends three years in intensive research on cheese. He is much taken with the many varieties of sardines he encounters and writes in his notebook, “I am convinced that there is an enduring reality, beyond anything man has yet attained, in the juxtaposition of foodstuffs. Simplify, simplify.” Upon his return to England, he meets Nell Smallbore, a greengrocer’s daughter, and they marry. She is to teach him all he will ever know about lettuce.
1741: Living in the country on a small inheritance, he works day and night, often skimping on meals to save money for food. His first completed work-a slice of bread, a slice of bread on top of that, and a slice of turkey on top of both-fails miserably. Bitterly disappointed, he returns to his studio and begins again.
1745: After four years of frenzied labor, he is convinced he is on the threshold of success. He exhibits before his peers two slices of turkey with a slice of bread in the middle. His work is rejected by all but David Hume, who senses the imminence of something great and encourages him. Heartened by the philosopher’s friendship, he returns to work with renewed vigor.
1747: Destitute, he can no longer afford to work in roast beef or turkey and switches to ham, which is cheaper.
1750: In the spring, he exhibits and demonstrates three consecutive slices of ham stacked on one another; this arouses some interest, mostly in intellectual circles, but the general public remains unmoved. Three slices of bread on top of one another add to his reputation, and while a mature style is not yet evident, he is sent for by Voltaire.
1751: Journeys to France, where the dramatist-philosopher has achieved some interesting results with bread and mayonnaise. The two men become friendly and begin a correspondence that is to end abruptly when Voltaire runs out of stamps.
1758: His growing acceptance by opinion-makers wins him a commission by the Queen to fix “something special” for a luncheon with the Spanish ambassador. He works day and night, tearing up hundreds of blueprints, but finally-at 4:17 A.M., April 27, 1758-he creates a work consisting of several strips of ham enclosed, top and bottom, by two slices of rye bread. In a burst of inspiration, he garnishes the work with mustard. It is an immediate sensation, and he is commissioned to prepare all Saturday luncheons for the remainder of the year.
1760: He follows one success with another, creating “sandwiches,” as they are called In his honor, out of roast beef, chicken, tongue, and nearly every conceivable cold cut. Not content to repeat tried formulas, he seeks out new ideas and devises the combination sandwich, for which he receives the Order of the Garter.
1769: Living on a country estate, he is visited by the greatest men of his century; Haydn, Kant, Rousseau, and Ben Franklin stop at his home, some enjoying his remarkable creations at table, others ordering to go.
1778: Though aging physically he still strives for new forms and writes in his diary, “I work long into the cold nights and am toasting everything now in an effort to keep warm.” Later that year, his open hot roast-beef sandwich creates a scandal with its frankness.
1783: To celebrate his sixty-fifth birthday, he invents the hamburger and tours the great capitals of the world personally, making burgers at concert halls before large and appreciative audiences. In Germany, Goethe suggests serving them on buns-an idea that delights the Earl, and of the author of Faust he says, “This Goethe, he is some fellow.” The remark delights Goethe, although the following year they break intellectually over the concept of rare, medium, and well done.
1790: At a retrospective exhibition of his works in London, he is suddenly taken ill with chest pains and is thought to be dying, but recovers sufficiently to supervise the construction of a hero sandwich by a group of talented followers. Its unveiling in Italy causes a riot, and it remains misunderstood by all but a few critics.
1792: He develops a genu varum, which he fails to treat in time, and succumbs in his sleep. He is laid to rest in Westminster Abbey, and thousands mourn his passing.
At his funeral, the great German poet Holderlin sums up his achievements with undisguised reverence: “He freed mankind from the hot lunch. We owe him so much.”
Death Knocks
(The play takes place in the bedroom of the Nat Ackermans’ two-story house, somewhere in Kew Gardens. The carpeting is wall-to-wall. There is a big double bed and a large vanity. The room is elaborately furnished and curtained, and on the walls there are several paintings and a not really attractive barometer. Soft theme music as the curtain rises. Nat Ackerman, a bald, paunchy fifty-seven-year-old dress manufacturer is lying on the bed finishing off tomorrow’s Daily News. He wears a bathrobe and slippers, and reads by a bed light clipped to the white headboard of the bed. The time is near midnight. Suddenly we hear a noise, and Nat sits up and looks at the window.)
Nat: What the hell is that?
(Climbing awkwardly through the window is a sombre, caped figure. The intruder wears a black hood and skintight black clothes. The hood covers his head but not his face, which is middle-aged and stark white. He is something like Nat in appearance. He huffs audibly and then trips over the windowsill and falls into the room.)
Death (for it is no one else): Jesus Christ. I nearly broke my neck.
Nat (watching with bewilderment): Who are you?
Death: Death.
Nat: Who?
Death: Death. Listen-can I sit down? I nearly broke my neck. I’m shaking like a leaf.
Nat: Who are you?
Death: Death. You got a glass of water?
Nat: Death? What do you mean, Death?
Death: What is wrong with you? You see the black costume and the whitened face?
Nat: Yeah.
Death: Is it Halloween?
Nat: No.
Death: Then I’m Death. Now can I get a glass of water-or a Fresca?
Nat: If this is some joke -
Death: What kind of joke? You’re fifty-seven? Nat Ackerman? One eighteen Pacific Street? Unless I blew it -where’s that call sheet? (He jumbles through pocket, finally producing a card with an address on it. It seems to check.)
Nat: What do you want with me?
Death: What do I want? What do you think I want?
Nat: You must be kidding. I’m in perfect health.
Death (unimpressed): Uh-huh. (Looking around) This is a nice place. You do it yourself?
Nat: We had a decorator, but we worked with her.
Death (looking at picture on the wall): I love those kids with the big eyes.
Nat: I don’t want to go yet.
Death: You don’t want to go? Please don’t start in. As it is, I’m nauseous from the climb.
Nat: What climb?
Death: I climbed up the drainpipe. I was trying to make a dramatic entrance. I see the big windows and you’re awake reading. I figure it’s worth a shot. I’ll climb up and enter with a little-yo
u know… (Snaps fingers)
Meanwhile, I get my heel caught on some vines, the drainpipe breaks, and I’m hanging by a thread. Then my cape begins to tear. Look, let’s just go. It’s been a rough night.
Nat: You broke my drainpipe?
Death: Broke. It didn’t break. It’s a little bent. Didn’t you hear anything? I slammed into the ground.
Nat: I was reading.
Death: You must have really been engrossed. (Lifting newspaper Nat was reading) “NAB COEDS IN POT ORGY.” Can I borrow this?
Nat: I’m not finished.
Death: Er-I don’t know how to put this to you, pal…
Nat: Why didn’t you just ring downstairs?
Death: I’m telling you, I could have, but how does it look? This way I get a little drama going. Something. Did you read Faust?
Nat: What?
Death: And what if you had company? You’re sitting there with important people. I’m Death-I should ring the bell and traipse right in the front? Where’s your thinking?
Nat: Listen, Mister, it’s very late.
Death: Yeah. Well, you want to go?
Nat: Go where?
Death: Death. It. The Thing. The Happy Hunting Grounds. (Looking at his own knee) Y’know, that’s a pretty bad cut. My first job, I’m liable to get gangrene yet.
Nat: Now, wait a minute. I need time. I’m not ready to go.
Death: I’m sorry. I can’t help you. I’d like to, but it’s the moment.
Nat: How can it be the moment? I just merged with Modiste Originals.
Death: What’s the difference, a couple of bucks more or less.
Nat: Sure, what do you care? You guys probably have all your expenses paid.
Death: You want to come along now?
Nat (studying him): I’m sorry, but I cannot believe you’re Death.
Death: Why? What’d you expect-Rock Hudson?
Nat: No, it’s not that.
Death: I’m sorry if I disappointed you.
Nat: Don’t get upset. I don’t know, I always thought you’d be… uh… taller.
Death: I’m five seven. It’s average for my weight.
Nat: You look a little like me.
Death: Who should I look like? I’m your death.
Nat: Give me some time. Another day.
Death: I can’t. What do you want me to say?
Nat: One more day. Twenty-four hours.
Death: What do you need it for? The radio said rain tomorrow.
Nat: Can’t we work out something?
Death: Like what?
Nat: You play chess?
Death: No, I don’t.
Nat: I once saw a picture of you playing chess.
Death: Couldn’t be me, because I don’t play chess. Gin rummy, maybe.
Nat: You play gin rummy?
Death: Do I play gin rummy? Is Paris a city?
Nat: You’re good, huh?
Death: Very good.
Nat: I’ll tell you what I’ll do-
Death: Don’t make any deals with me.
Nat: I’ll play you gin rummy. If you win, I’ll go immediately. If I win, give me some more time. A little bit -one more day.
Death: Who’s got time to play gin rummy?
Nat: Come on. If you’re so good.
Death: Although I feel like a game…
Nat: Come on. Be a sport. We’ll shoot for a half hour.
Death: I really shouldn’t.
Nat: I got the cards right here. Don’t make a production.
Death: All right, come on. We’ll play a little. It’ll relax me.
Nat (getting cards, pad, and pencil): You won’t regret this.
Death: Don’t give me a sales talk. Get the cards and give me a Fresca and put out something. For God’s sake, a stranger drops in, you don’t have potato chips or pretzels.
Nat: There’s M amp;M’s downstairs in a dish.
Death: M amp;M’s. What if the President came? He’d get M amp;M’s too?
Nat: You’re not the President.
Death: Deal.
(Nat deals, turns up a five.)
Nat: You want to play a tenth of a cent a point to make it interesting?
Death: It’s not interesting enough for you?
Nat: I play better when money’s at stake.
Death: Whatever you say, Newt.
Nat: Nat. Nat Ackerman. You don’t know my name?
Death: Newt, Nat-I got such a headache.
Nat: You want that five?
Death: No.
Nat: So pick.
Death (surveying his hand as he picks): Jesus, I got nothing here.
Nat: What’s it like?
Death: What’s what like?
(Throughout the following, they pick and discard.)
Nat: Death.
Death: What should it be like? You lay there.
Nat: Is there anything after?
Death: Aha, you’re saving twos.
Nat: I’m asking. Is there anything after?
Death (absently): You’ll see.
Nat: Oh, then I will actually see something?
Death: Well, maybe I shouldn’t have put it that way. Throw.
Nat: To get an answer from you is a big deal.
Death: I’m playing cards.
Nat: All right, play, play.
Death: Meanwhile, I’m giving you one card after another.
Nat: Don’t look through the discards.
Death: I’m not looking. I’m straightening them up. What was the knock card?
Nat: Four. You ready to knock already?
Death: Who said I’m ready to knock? All I asked was what was the knock card.
Nat: And all I asked was is there anything for me to look forward to.
Death: Play.
Nat: Can’t you tell me anything? Where do we go?
Death: We? To tell you the truth, you fall in a crumpled heap on the floor.
Nat: Oh, I can’t wait for that! Is it going to hurt?
Death: Be over in a second.
Nat: Terrific. (Sighs) I needed this. A man merges with Modiste Originals…
Death: How’s four points?
Nat: You’re knocking?
Death: Four points is good?
Nat: No, I got two.
Death: You’re kidding.
Nat: No, you lose.
Death: Holy Christ, and I thought you were saving sixes.
Nat: No. Your deal. Twenty points and two boxes. Shoot. (Death deals.) I must fall on the floor, eh? I can’t be standing over the sofa when it happens?
Death: No. Play.
Nat: Why not?
Death: Because you fall on the floor! Leave me alone. I’m trying to concentrate.
Nat: Why must it be on the floor? That’s all I’m saying!
Why can’t the whole thing happen and I’ll stand next to the sofa?
Death: I’ll try my best. Now can we play?
Nat: That’s all I’m saying. You remind me of Moe Lefkowitz. He’s also stubborn.
Death: I remind him of Moe Lefkowitz. I’m one of the most terrifying figures you could possibly imagine, and him I remind of Moe Lefkowitz. What is he, a furrier?
Nat: You should be such a furrier. He’s good for eighty thousand a year. Passementeries. He’s got his own factory. Two points.
Death: What?
Nat: Two points. I’m knocking. What have you got?
Death: My hand is like a basketball score.
Nat: And it’s spades.
Death: If you didn’t talk so much.
(They redeal and play on.)
Nat: What’d you mean before when you said this was your first job?
Death: What does it sound like?
Nat: What are you telling me-that nobody ever went before?
Death: Sure they went. But I didn’t take them.
Nat: So who did?
Death: Others.
Nat: There’s others?
Death: Sure. Each one has his own personal way of going.
>
Nat: I never knew that.
Death: Why should you know? Who are you?
Nat: What do you mean who am I? Why-I’m nothing?
Death: Not nothing. You’re a dress manufacturer. Where do you come to knowledge of the eternal mysteries?
Nat: What are you talking about? I make a beautiful dollar. I sent two kids through college. One is in advertising, the other’s married. I got my own home. I drive a Chrysler. My wife has whatever she wants. Maids, mink coat, vacations. Right now she’s at the Eden Roc. Fifty dollars a day because she wants to be near her sister. I’m supposed to join her next week, so what do you think I am -some guy off the street?
Death: All right. Don’t be so touchy.
Nat: Who’s touchy?
Death: How would you like it if I got insulted quickly?
Nat: Did I insult you?
Death: You didn’t say you were disappointed in me?
Nat: What do you expect? You want me to throw you a block party?
Death: I’m not talking about that. I mean me personally. I’m too short, I’m this, I’m that.
Nat: I said you looked like me. It’s like a reflection.
Death: All right, deal, deal.
(They continue to play as music steals in and the lights dim until all is in total darkness. The lights slowly come up again, and now it is later and their game is over. Nat tallies.)
Nat: Sixty-eight… one-fifty… Well, you lose.
Death (dejectedly looking through the deck): I knew I shouldn’t have thrown that nine. Damn it.
Nat: So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Death: What do you mean you’ll see me tomorrow?
Nat: I won the extra day. Leave me alone.
Death: You were serious?
Nat: We made a deal.
Death: Yeah, but-
Nat: Don’t “but” me. I won twenty-four hours. Come back tomorrow.
Death: I didn’t know we were actually playing for time.
Nat: That’s too bad about you. You should pay attention.
Death: Where am I going to go for twenty-four hours?
Nat: What’s the difference? The main thing is I won an extra day.
Death: What do you want me to do-walk the streets?
Nat: Check into a hotel and go to a movie. Take a schvitz. Don’t make a federal case.