I wanted to be Riley’s easy. I wanted it with every single bone in my body, but I didn’t know if I could be that for her right now. “You’re asking the impossible of me, Tessa. I can’t give her what she needs, but I can’t stay away either.”
Coming closer, she looked me square in the eye as if warning me, even though her voice was soft and sweet. “Make your decision, Beck. You can’t hurt her. I won’t let you. And think about what would happen if Marcus finds out.”
She was right. I didn’t want to hurt Riley and I didn’t want to ruin my friendship with Marcus. He was like a brother to me. I couldn’t throw that away for a maybe chance with Riley. If it didn’t work out in the end, things would be all screwed up with no way to salvage any of it.
It would be easier for me and Riley to get over this now because we hadn’t gotten too involved. But if we took it any further—there’d be no turning back. I had to keep my distance. Even if it killed me. I had to say goodbye to the chance I thought we’d had and just go back to watching her from afar as my best friend’s beautiful older sister.
I did the best I could of making it like everything was the way it used to be. We watched the game, drank our beers, laughed at each other’s expense and passed Luca around as if he were some toy. Kid was stinkin’ adorable. And also actually stinky. Dude needed a diaper change and his mother had just sniffed it out.
“Hey, Ry. Come help me with Luca?” Tessa winked in Marcus’s direction and Riley stood to follow her.
I had a feeling this was Tessa’s idea to get me alone with Marcus. We hadn’t had much guy time lately—him flying to Arizona to win back his girl, me working crazy shifts to drown out my own girl problems. We hadn’t had the chance to watch a game together in a long time so this was good, even if the ladies were only a few feet away, upstairs.
“Shit! They’re all tied up. How’d they do that?” Marcus asked, focusing on the game for the first time in a while. When Tessa was in the room, he had eyes for one thing only.
Channeling the old-Beck that used to talk baseball and chicks with my best friend all the time, I faked my answer. He’d have no idea anyway, unless he watched the highlights. “Jeter homered and brought in two runs. Reminds me of the playoff days. I hope they make it this year. We could catch a post-season game together—bleacher seats, of course.” I threw the last part in for good measure to make it like my mind wasn’t totally preoccupied by something other than baseball.
He looked up to where the girls were, as if to make sure they weren’t listening. When the coast was clear he asked, “You all right, dude? Riley told me about Marissa. I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty friend. Wanna tell me what’s going on?”
I thought about brushing off his question, making like it was no big deal, but suddenly I wanted my best friend to weigh in on my issues. I’d have to make it like my issues were mostly about the break up with Marissa, because I couldn’t tell him the whole truth. But without thinking too hard, I just blurted it out. “There’s someone else.”
Marcus looked shocked. “Who? Marissa’s fucking around on you?”
“No! I’ve met someone else.”
Now he looked even more stunned. And he was actually grinning. “Whoa! Really? I didn’t see this one coming.” He was actually grinning. “You were about to ask Marissa to move in with you, no? Who is she?”
Hearing all of his questions and how little he actually knew of the situation brought out my frustrations. This was complicated. So far from the easy Riley needed. I scrubbed my face with my hands, standing up. I started to pace, trying to make sense of it all. “You don’t know her,” I lied, becoming more frustrated.
“Are you sure you want to leave Marissa for this girl? I mean, is it serious or just a cold feet kinda thing?”
This would be so much easier if I could tell him who the girl was. But I couldn’t. I just had to solicit half-assed advice because I had to give him half-assed information. “No, dude. I’m all fucked up. I really like this girl. It’s different and unexpected, but I can’t pass this up. So, I did the right thing. I ended it with Marissa, came forward and told her the truth, but… I don’t know…”
“Listen,” he finally spoke. “You have to go with your gut, man. You can’t stay with someone just because you want to be the nice guy. I may be late to the love fest, but I get it now. Everyone deserves to be happy—in love—with that special someone and if Marissa isn’t that girl, maybe new girl is.”
New girl. Nice. He’d even given his sister a nickname without knowing it. I’m sure she’d appreciate that. “It’s complicated.” I mocked the situation.
“Oh, I don’t know complicated? Complications mean shit. If she’s worth it, you look past all that and fight for what you want.”
Marcus made a good point. But then again, so did Tessa. My brain was playing tug of war with my heart. I wanted to do the right thing—in this corner stood Tessa and her advice to stay away until I was ready to give my all. But I also wanted to fight for what I so desperately wanted, and that was to be with Riley anyway I could—in the far corner stood Marcus and his surprisingly stellar advice to fuck it all and go for your dreams.
“You okay, dude?”
No I wasn’t, but just like all the other secrets, I couldn’t tell him that. As I heard the girls making their way back downstairs, I sucked it all up and pretended my head wasn’t splitting from the turmoil taking place in my brain. “Yeah, I’ll be fine,” I lied. This night needed to be over. I couldn’t be in the same room as Riley and not be able to touch her. I couldn’t be in the same room as Marcus and Tessa, feeling like a chump for lying to my best friend and making a fool out of him in front of his girl and his sister for keeping secrets.
Clusterfuck—that’s what Tessa had said before, right? I had to assume that if I searched that word in Google, images of me, Riley, Marissa, and Marcus would show up.
My life was officially a clusterfuck.
“Wow. This little bugger is really turning one? I can’t believe it, Tess. It happened so fast.” Of course that sounded silly, considering I’d only first met Luca a few months ago. But it was still exciting to be a part of his life—I planned to be a part of all the milestones he would be celebrating from here on out.
“Tell me about it. It feels like just yesterday I found out I was pregnant.” She was smiling at her curly haired boy as he giggled on her lap, but I could sense a sadness I didn’t understand.
“Hey, you okay?”
“Yeah,” she said, kissing Luca atop his blond ringlets. “Just hate thinking about the past, even though it all worked out in the end. Zack wasn’t exactly thrilled when he found out I was pregnant… neither was I, to be honest. I was trying to find a way to get away from him, not tie myself to him forever. But… I guess everything really does happen for a reason. I can’t imagine my life without Luca man. Having him opened my eyes and made me realize I couldn’t be with a man like that anymore. He truly is a blessing and that is why he deserves the best first birthday ever.” She said the last part with her eyes wide, her smile even wider, and her voice high-pitched and sing-song like. Luca took in his mother’s happiness and reached for her nose with a handful of drool.
I sat back and admired the connection these two had. I wanted that so badly, drool and all. Not just because I felt even lonelier in the last few weeks since Beck and I decided not to pursue a relationship, but because I was starting to concede the fact that kids may not be in my future. I was almost thirty with no boyfriend and no time, thanks to my booming business, to meet anyone new. I hadn’t been out socially the last few weekends because of other things that kept me busy—tending to my dad as the anniversary of my mom’s death came closer, helping Tessa plan Luca’s upcoming birthday party, taking business trips around the tri-state area to brush up on some of the new interior design trends at conferences I’d been looking forward to.
While all of that was fun, rewarding, and time consuming, in the back of my mind I always thought about the comin
g home part. It was depressing. I came home to emptiness. To microwaveable dinners on the couch, to a half-unoccupied bed, to silence only filled by the voices on the television or stereo. I was starting to think about putting an ad in the paper for a roommate. I could always move back home with Dad and rent out my place or sell it altogether, but I’d gotten used to being independent. Something about moving back home felt like taking a step back. That would make things even more depressing.
“Hey, Auntie Riley,” Tessa broke me out of my pity-party, dangling Luca in front of me. “Wanna go to the beach tomorrow?”
I usually made sure to spend Sunday afternoons with Dad, but a change of pace and some vitamin-D might be good for my soul—and my paling skin. “I’d actually love that. Will Marcus be joining us?”
“No, just us girls and the Luca man. Marcus has plans with… Beck. I think some firehouse poker tournament or something.”
“You don’t have to do that, you know?”
“What?” she pretended not to get what I was saying.
“Beck and I are fine. I just talked to him a few days ago. There’re no hard feelings.” It was a half-truth. Beck and I still kept in contact through texts—just not as colorful as the ones from a few weeks ago. I liked having him in my life, even if only as a friend, but there were definitely hard feelings. On my side at least. I didn’t like the way things ended so suddenly. It wasn’t even like we talked about ending it. It just did. And with no explanation.
“Bullshit,” she whispered, holding Luca’s ears so he couldn’t sponge up her dirty word. “I know you’re still hung up on him. I’m not blind, Ry.”
“Well, then check your eyesight because I am indeed fine. See,” I said, exaggerating a smile and pointing to it. “Really. I’m not kidding. He obviously doesn’t want to be with me and he’s got shit to figure out. I can’t wait around for him to change his mind—that would just be stupid. Beck Matthews is not the only guy in the world. There will be others… one day.” The head-scratching question was when.
“I’m sorry, Ry. I really am, but I think he did the right thing. And if it’s any consolation, he definitely does want you. From what Marcus tells me he hasn’t had any contact with Marissa and he hasn’t seen anyone new since… well, since you. You want to know what I think?”
What did it matter? She wasn’t a fortune teller. The sooner I got the idea of Beck out of my mind, the better. There was no use holding on to hope when it was only false hope. “Sure, lay it on me, sista.” I shrugged, promising myself not to put any weight into what she was about to say.
“I think the two of you would make an amazing couple. Sometimes the best things come totally unexpected—like me and Marcus, for example. I just think you guys started things up at the wrong time. You’re practically dying for your happily ever after and he’s not ready for that. I don’t doubt that he’s done with Marissa—she wasn’t for him either, but he can’t start a new relationship, the kind you deserve, wholeheartedly. Whether he admits it or not, his heart is still a little broken by what went on with her. You want a man who has his whole heart to give. Give him time. It heals all wounds.”
She meant well and had great points, but she couldn’t predict my future. And she had no idea what Beck felt. Smiling just to pacify her, I gave her kudos for being a dutiful friend. “You’re one big cliché, Tessa Bradley. Your words are wise and I sincerely appreciate the pep talk, but I don’t want to think about Beck anymore right now. I’ll save my wallowing for when I’m all alone tonight in my half-empty bed. Right now, I want to talk centerpieces and favors for this little guy’s bash. October is only two months away and we need to get a move on it if we want it all to be perfect.”
“I wouldn’t expect anything less from you,” she said with a wink.
That’s right—no one expected anything less than perfect from me. But I couldn’t help thinking that was a façade I’d created. On the outside it all seemed perfect, but on the inside, I was anything but.
The next day at the beach, I sat with my feet buried deep in the warm sand as Luca crawled across his blanket, flinging Cheerios in the air. The seagulls were swarming, picking up Luca’s discards and creating a spectacle in our little section.
“Oh, shoo, you annoying fuckers. Go feast off someone else’s crap. Tessa, can you make your adorable son stop?” I hated seagulls. They were gross and needy and causing a scene. Some of the nearby people rolled their eyes, some laughed at Luca’s antics, but one in particular caught my attention and was smiling directly at me. His chest muscles tightened, glistening in the sunlight as he laughed at the scene going on with the dirty birds.
I adjusted my sun hat so I could see him a little better, and smiled shyly as I took in his slim but defined physique when he stood from his lounge chair. Taking my eye contact for interest, he ran his fingers through his salt and pepper spikes and licked his plump lips. Slick. And full of himself, it seemed. I shook my head, rolling my eyes at his obvious cockiness, hoping he’d get the hint and fuck off.
But that didn’t happen. He was headed my way.
Just as he was getting closer, Tessa rolled over from her tanning position on her stomach, and caught my admirer making his way to our blanket.
“Oh, yummy, and it looks like he’s got his sights set on you, doll.”
I giggled as I watched Tessa’s eyebrows wiggle up and down, but became serious as Mr. Middle-Aged but Smoking Hot made his way closer.
Adjusting my bathing suit so I wasn’t giving anyone a free show, I sat back in my chair and waited for my suitor to approach. When he was within a foot or two, his tight, fit, and tattooed body casting a shadow over me, I slid my sunglasses down my nose, and addressed Mr. Full of Himself. “Do you mind? You’re blocking my sun.”
“I don’t mind at all. The sun causes cancer, love,” he said with an adorable wink and a smile that displayed a dimple in his scruff-covered cheek. Oh, I was a sucker for dimples. “Hi, I’m Griffin. The seagulls sent me your way.” He introduced himself, extending his hand with a breathtaking smile.
Before I had a chance to answer, momentarily stunned by this guy’s forwardness and goodlookingness, Tessa stood up behind Griffin, holding a sandy Luca. “Griffin, this is Riley. Her nephew Luca and I are quite happy that his Cheerio throwing caused the seagulls to swoop in, prompting you to come over and join us. But as you can see, my son has more breading covering him than a fried chicken cutlet. So I’m going to wash him off in the water while you two get acquainted. Ciao.” She spoke in a whirlwind of words, not so much as taking a breath to get it all out. Before I could scold her for being a tool, she took off, holding Luca like a football at her side. All that was left for me to do was laugh. Oh, and talk to this handsome stranger.
“As my blabbermouth of a friend just pointed out, I’m Riley.”
“That’s one cute kid she’s got there… quite a wingman too.”
“Cute, yes. Wingman, not so much.”
“Oh, no? How so, love?”
I didn’t know what it was, but something about this cocky dude irritated me. In a good way. I didn’t like that one bit. The last guy who’d gotten under my skin—in a good way—dumped me via text message. It was in that moment that I took my Beck anger out on poor Griffin. “First of all, Griff, I’m not your love. Second of all, a wingman is someone who comes out with you to help you pick someone up. I did not come to this beach today to pick anyone up. I came here to spend time with my friend and my nephew and to relax in the sun. So, if you don’t mind, you can stop making presumptions for me, and let me get back to my magazine and my tan lines.” I sat back in my chair, pushing my sunglasses back up my nose and ignoring the delicious man who was sure to stomp all over what was left of my dignity if I allowed him to reel me in.
“I love them feisty. Seems like the seagulls sent me in the right direction.” Instead of stalking off like I’d hoped he would, he plopped down into Tessa’s vacant lounge chair and made himself comfortable.
“And what exa
ctly do you think you’re doing?”
Sitting straight in Tessa’s chair, he leaned over and grabbed my sunscreen. He popped the top open, squeezed the white lotion into his palm, and began applying it to his sinewy shoulders.
“You see, Riley, I did come to this beach today to pick someone up. I’ve been sitting here all day people watching, and not one girl has caught my interest the way you have. Forgive me for sounding like a dirty old man, but I’ve been observing you for quite some time. I watched you with your nephew. I saw how loveable you can be, how much you care for him and his mother. I noticed how you weren’t like ninety percent of the girls on this beach, squealing and squirming every time a grain of sand touched their skin or attempted to ruin their pedicure. And as if all that didn’t make me want to get to know you, you are absolutely gorgeous in that little number you have on there. So, let’s try this again: Hi, I’m Griffin and I’ve gotten to know you from afar for the last few hours, but I’d love to take you out some time and get to know you better.”
Humina humina humina. I was speechless. There were no words. How did I come back from something like that? Not one wiseass remark fluttered through my stupefied brain. Somehow I stopped my mouth from dropping open and making me look more dumbfounded than I already was. Instead I summoned my inner gumption and decided to… flirt.
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