When the door finally swung open, I took in her unusually haggard appearance and bum rushed the threshold to take her in my arms. Kissing her head and holding her close, I nearly cried, “Are you okay? Is the baby okay? Let’s go to the emergency room. We have to make sure everything’s right.”
Pulling away from me and closing the door behind us, she motioned to the living room. “Calm down, Beck. I’m fine. I just got off the phone with Betsy. She walked me through a few breathing exercises and told me to have a cup of chamomile tea. I feel better already. Well, physically at least.”
“Thank God.” I breathed an actual sigh of relief. Other than looking a little frazzled, mismatched and… angry… she was in one piece and seemed to be walking around just fine. “This is why we can’t keep spending our nights apart. When I’m not at the firehouse, we need to be together. I’ll move the rest of my stuff in this week. I can’t worry about not being here when you need me. It’s too much. I nearly had a heart attack on the way here, worrying sick about you. The both of you.” I deflated onto the couch, slouching against the soft cushions. After taking in a few more calming breaths, I patted the seat beside me, inviting Riley to sit with me.
Instead of joining me, she stood with her arms crossed against her body. “Nice to know you were worried sick—what a wonderful caring boyfriend you are, Beck. I wish you felt the same when I was passed out on Tessa’s floor because that psycho slammed his gun across my head. But instead of protecting me and being with me when it mattered most, you were with her. Were you fucking worried sick then, Beck? Or do you think it’s okay that you were watching a fucking ball game with that bitch while I was fighting for my life?”
How the hell did she find out?
The guilt over this exact thing had been eating me up. There were nights I literally tossed and turned and lost sleep over being at Marissa’s that night instead of with Riley at Tessa’s. Had I ignored Marissa’s call and gone there earlier, I could have protected her from Zack. I could have saved her from what he did to her. It was something I had to live with every day. It was something I struggled with confessing to her every day. It was something I’d decided to keep buried and locked inside me every day. I knew that if she ever found out, she’d react this way. She had every right to hate me for betraying her like this. She had every right to resent me for not doing what any good man should do for the woman he loved—defend her, guard her, and be truthful with her.
There was nothing else to do but apologize for doing wrong by the woman I loved. “I’m so sorry, Riley. You have no idea how sorry I am that I wasn’t there with you that night. I’ll do anything to make it up to you. Anything.” I nearly dropped to my knees and begged. I contemplated it, but when she started to cry, holding her middle and shaking uncontrollably, I needed to hold on to her.
I rushed to her to wrap my arms around her body, but she backed away and put her hand up between us. “So it’s true, then? You’re not denying you went there? I can’t fucking believe this, Beck. I cannot believe you didn’t tell me.” Her words came out in pathetic drones. It killed me to see her hurt this way. It tore me apart to see I’d done this to her.
“I’m sorry, baby. I’m so, so sorry.”
“How could you? You told me you couldn’t babysit with me because of Ramos. Why would you leave him to go watch a fucking game with her? Are you still fucking her too? After you accused me of lying to you, you do the exact same fucking thing? I can’t believe this is happening. I feel like—I feel like—I can’t fucking breathe.” She fisted her hair in her hands and bent over, dragging in labored breaths. When she stood upright again, her breathing was harsh, jarring, not right.
“Riley, you need to sit. This isn’t good for the baby. Please.” I grabbed her by the hand and brought her to the couch. “Sit down. Talk to me. Who told you this? Was it Griffin? Did you get in touch with him?”
“I called Marissa. I wanted to tell her to back off. I must’ve sounded like an idiot, telling her how much you love me, how happy we are. Here I am carrying your kid and you’re there with her the night I—the night I—Beck he could have killed me and you were there. Do you know how that makes me feel? Do you know the fucking crazy shit going through my head?”
I could only imagine. There was no explanation for this. I wanted to take it back and make it go away, but I couldn’t. Mostly, I just wanted her to calm down. I would say anything if she would just calm the fuck down. This wasn’t good for the baby. She was going to have a nervous breakdown and it was freaking the shit out of me.
“Please listen to me. I don’t know what she told you, but I didn’t just go there to watch the game with her. It was not planned, Riley. She called me while I was at Ramos’s, crying about failing the bar and her life falling apart. She sounded—I don’t know—she sounded desperate. I was worried she might do something stupid. So I called Griffin and the two of us headed over there together.
“It’s not at all what you think. I hate that I went there when you were in hell, all by yourself at Tessa’s. You don’t think I would change that whole night if I could? I would do anything for you, Riley. I love you so much I would fucking die for you.”
“And lie for me too. Right? This whole relationship has been full of lies, Beck. From day one. Keeping it from Marcus, being on your break with Marissa. Me and Griffin. Nothing but lies—big ones, small ones, from me, from you.”
She was right, but none of that shit mattered to me right now. Marissa was clearly fucking with the two of us and Riley was giving her exactly what she wanted. I’d made a horrible mistake by believing anything Marissa told me and now I had to worry that she’d made Riley believe more lies.
Where did she stand? Why did it sound like she was giving up? “What are you saying, Riley?”
“I’m saying we’re doomed. I’m saying I don’t know how this can work. Regardless of why, and even if it was out of goodness, you still went there. She called you, she needed you, and you dropped everything to be there for her. You couldn’t have known what was going on over at Tessa’s—I understand that. But now, when I picture it in my head, all I feel is resentment. You should have been with me. You should have come to save me. Instead, you were with her. You went to her rescue. She won. She’s always gonna fucking win.”
She could only win if Riley allowed it. I would never fall for her shit again. “That’s not true, baby. I see it now. I didn’t realize it was this bad. I didn’t believe you when you told me she’d do anything to get me back. I’ll talk to her. We’ll—” There was one saving grace in this situation. The only one who could help. “Griffin! We have to get in touch with Griffin. He’ll clear it all up. He knows the truth. Baby, I can make this right.”
Shaking her head and shedding more unrelenting tears, she sobbed. “Nothing can make this right, B. Nothing can make me feel that you didn’t choose her over me.”
“You’re not being fair. I didn’t know. You think I’d choose her over you if I’d known?” My voice was so desperate it squeaked. How could her thoughts be so misconstrued? How could she see it this way?
Riley stood from the couch and I followed her as she walked into the kitchen. She poured a glass of water and gulped the whole thing down in one quick motion. “Wanna know what I think?” she asked, with a strange calmness to her voice that was shaky and weak from her tears just a few moments ago.
I nodded, wanting her to continue.
“I think she’s always going to be your weak spot. I think there’s a part of you that still believes what she told you about me and Griffin. There’s a part of you that will examine our baby when she’s born to look for any resemblance of him. I think she did her fucking job in putting a wedge between us and I think—I think you need to fucking go!”
What? Really?
“Go? What do you mean? You’re kicking me out? We’re having a baby. I’m moving in. Riley, don’t do this. You’re being irrational.” I tried to hide my devastation with a forced laugh. She had to be joking right? She was just on edge
. She was just saying things out of anger.
“Too bad if I’m being irrational. I feel fucking irrational. I feel like I don’t know what’s right or wrong anymore. But I have to do what’s best for this baby first and foremost. Right now, looking at you and resenting you—it makes my blood boil, it turns my insides, it makes my heart jump into my throat and prevents me from breathing.
“I can’t handle this right now, Beck. I physically cannot take one more second of feeling this way.” She closed her eyes as she spewed it out like vomit. Poisonous vomit, at that. Her words stung, pinched my heart, jabbed my gut. I didn’t want to make her feel this way.
“So let me help you, baby. Please. Let me be here for you.”
Turning away from me, she clutched the countertop and bowed her head. “It’s too late for that now. I want you to go.”
I reached for her, placing a hand at her shoulder. “Please don’t do this, Riley. Please don’t give up on us because of her.”
Jerking away from my touch and stalking off, she let out one final wail. “Fucking go! I don’t want to do this right now. Get out!”
My presence was only causing her pain, and her pain was harmful to our baby—the baby I loved as much as I loved its mother. I couldn’t stay here and cause her anymore distress. So, I walked out of her kitchen, out of her apartment, out to my car, which was thankfully still there.
And drove straight to Marissa’s house.
Why I hadn’t figured it out sooner, I had no idea. I had a tendency to see the good in people, even if they weren’t necessarily a good person. While Marissa wasn’t a totally bad person, she was certainly up to no good. Her wires had crossed somewhere since we’d broken up and she failed the bar. There was no denying she was going through a lot of shit, but that wasn’t my problem anymore.
There was a time when I loved Marissa and thought I would forever. We’d shared a lot of fun times before things went south, and those fun times, even though a part of my past, stood out in my mind when I reflected on our relationship. It didn’t mean I regretted my decision to end what we had—we weren’t right for each other anymore. Riley was right for me. Riley and our baby were my everything. But when someone I used to care about called me up in a bind, crying and pleading with me to help them—something clicked, making me think I owed her the decency of trying to calm her down.
Of course, that was before I knew she’d use it against me. That was before she had the audacity to feed me lies about the woman I loved just to make herself look better, or to make me want her back.
I was such an asshole for believing anything she had to say. I should’ve known, but Marissa was never malicious or jealous in all the time I’d known her. What was that expression? Fool me once shame on me, fool me twice—now you can go fuck yourself.
I drove to her house in a frenzy. I was on to her and she needed to know that. It all had to stop. She couldn’t spew her garbage all over the place, ruining people’s integrity, their relationships, their lives. That’s exactly what her twisted game was doing and it would come to an end tonight.
Arriving in front of Marissa’s house twenty minutes later, I pulled out my cell phone and dialed her number. I’d be erasing that shit from my phone tonight too. After this, there was no reason to hold on to anything that had to do with her.
“Beck?” She sounded surprised. “What’s up?”
“I’m outside. Downstairs. Get in the car. We need to talk.”
“You’re… here?” She peeked through the blinds in her bedroom window. “Oh, shit. Look at that. Why don’t you come up?”
Yeah. No. Not happening. This was happening on my terms. If I went up there she’d pull some shit or find a way to make it look like I spent the night or something like that. “No. We need to talk about all the lies you’ve been telling. Come down here so we can discuss this like two adults.”
“There’s nothing to discuss, Beck. But I’ll come down anyway. I’d love to take a ride with you. Give me five minutes.”
“Good.” I rolled my eyes at her eagerness; then again, this was what I wanted. She had to hear from my mouth, to her face, that we were over for once and for all. No more games, no more lies, no more may-the-best-woman-win—she’d made it evident that the two of us couldn’t even be friends. I had no place in my life for someone capable of shit like this.
She came out the door and down the steps, draping a jacket over her shoulders. Jogging to the car she opened the passenger side door and hopped in just like it was any old time. “Hey. Good to see you.”
I gave her a half-assed nod and put the car in gear. I needed to drive. Maybe if I was distracted by the road and my focus was on getting to a destination I could fight the urge to lean over and strangle her. I wasn’t a violent man, but the things she’d made me believe—the stuff she’d said—I pictured my hands around her neck with her gasping for air.
Shaking my head to try and erase the anger boiling in my blood, I turned to face her. “You know why I’m here?”
She leaned over and placed her hand on my thigh, rubbing it up and down. “Are we playing a guessing game?” She winked.
With one hand on the wheel I used the other to remove her claw from my leg. “Cut the shit, Marissa. You know damn well why I’m here. What the hell are you up to you? This isn’t you. Why are you stirring the pot?”
“Oh.” She giggled and it made my stomach turn. Was this a game to her? My life wasn’t a game that could be controlled and maneuvered by some woman-behind-the-curtains. This was real. My feelings were real. My relationship with Riley and my baby were real, tangible, meaningful things.
Focusing on the road, I gritted my teeth. “I know you’re lying about Griffin, and as soon as I get ahold of him, I’ll be talking to him about the rumors you’re spreading about him. You two are tight and I’m sure his loyalty lies with you, but I don’t think he’d appreciate you telling people he has some illegitimate kid out there. After all he’s been through. After everything he’s lost—you’d play with his life like that? What kind of person are you?”
“Don’t you dare! Don’t you point fingers at me. The kind of person I am? What about you? You left me because your ego was bruised when I wouldn’t move in with you. You couldn’t handle that I needed more time so you fucked the next thing that came along and knocked her up. Now, because of one mistake, because of one regret, I have to give you over to her willingly. I don’t think so, Beck. We have too much history. Our story isn’t over yet.” My eyes were still on the dark night road but I could sense that her penetrating stare was trained on me.
How was I going to fix this? What would get through to her? Why the hell was Griffin out of town? Damn it. Tough love wasn’t working. It was time to start reasoning with her.
“Marissa, I’m sorry it didn’t work out. I’m sorry you failed the bar. You’re going through a difficult time and I feel for you, I do, but you can’t take it out on me. What we had is in the past. It’s not Riley’s fault we didn’t work out—it’s our fault. We spent two years pretending we had all the qualities we wanted in a spouse. We were fooling each other.”
“How can you say that? You loved me. I know you did.” Her voice cracked as she said it. She sniffled and without looking I knew the tears had started.
“I did love you, Ris. But it wasn’t enough. I love Riley now. We’re starting a family and I need you to respect that.” It was blunt, but it was the truth. There was no reason to make her think we had a shot at anything again. She needed to know where my heart lay. It was with Riley and my baby.
She cried silently, except for a few snivels.
Realizing I’d driven further and further from her home in my aimless journey, I turned to face her at a red stoplight. “You’re gonna be okay. Everything will be okay. But this shit needs to stop, Marissa. You can’t keep lying to people. It won’t win me back.”
The traffic light remained a steady red for what seemed like an unending eternity. Her soft cries became sobs as her head fell in h
er hands. “Everything’s falling apart. I can’t believe I’ve lost everything.”
Back to that tune again. I was sure she was more upset over failing the bar than losing me, but I wasn’t about to weigh her losses against each other. That was for her to do. Those were her obstacles to overcome—without me. “Marissa, you’ll take the bar again and pass. You’ll do everything you’ve set out to do since as long as I’ve known you. I was holding you back. Your beliefs and dreams are different than mine, and that’s okay. You’ll get over me and realize that letting go of what you thought we had will only make you feel that much freer. Please believe me. Please listen to me. And if you can’t listen to me, think about what Griffin said the other night—this too shall pass. We’ve all had shit to deal with in our lives, but we can’t let it break us.” I was confident in my little pep-talk. I’d gotten my point across without being insincere.
Her sobs calmed as she wiped the tears from her face and the light finally changed from the intense red to a thank-you-God-Almighty green.
I lifted my foot from the brake pedal to the gas and started to make a U-turn. Marissa’s arm flew across the dashboard, clutching the steering wheel.
“What are you doing? Let go,” I yelled.
“No. You’re not taking me home. You think you know it all. You think you can just tell me how you think it is and all will be right with the world. How could you do this to me?” Her cheeks were soaked and stained with her tears, her grip on the wheel becoming tighter. It was becoming hard to drive the car straight. I’d managed to only swerve over the double yellow lines once, but it was taking a lot of control.
“Marissa!” I yelled, making her jump. “Get off the wheel! I’ll take you home and come upstairs. We’ll talk it through.” Like hell I would. This chick was going crazy right before my eyes. I’d drop her off and speed the fuck away. I’d give her mother a call to make sure she knew her daughter was acting out and becoming unstable. I couldn’t have this shit on my hands.
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