by Bonny Capps
We sit for a long time, no more words are needed. For some odd reason, I feel comfort. I’ve never had this with my dad before, but my hand in his and my head on his broad shoulder I realize something. My dad, he did things the best he could. I know that my dad had it rough growing up. His dad was hard on him and pushed him beyond his limits all the time. His mother died when he was a baby, he didn’t have the nurturing that he needed. He just thought that was how things were meant to be and in this moment, I love him. I love him so much.
I wake to my phone buzzing and roll over to retrieve it. I sigh when I see Matthew’s face light up the screen. It’s 10:06 in the morning and its Monday. Another day of missed school, these days are being pardoned given my mother’s condition. Unfortunately, I have a lot of work to make up. I sit up slowly and place the phone to my ear. “Hello? Mandy?” Matthew says quietly on the other end. “Hey Matthew.” I reply, gosh, it seems like it’s been ages since I have last spoke with him. The love I had developed, it’s reverted back to loving him as a friend and nothing more. Oddly, it’s not really of a shock. I am in love with someone else, someone who may not even exist.
“Can I see you today?” He asks. I can hear his light breathing. I smile and nod, “Yeah, I would really like that.” He lets out a sigh, “Awesome, can we meet up at the park?” “Sure, after school sound good?” I ask. “Yeah, I’ll see you then!” He exclaims. I hang up and lay back in bed. This is crazy. In my heart, I know I was on the other side of that mirror. I know I was with Fynn. I know that I met my many friends and that we fought that war together.
I dress in my black skinny jeans and red flats. I put on my white, flowy blouse and my black leather jacket. I braid my hair to the side and put on some lip gloss. Once downstairs I see dad at the bar and Mary staying busy in the kitchen. I walk to my dad and kiss his cheek. He grins and continues eating his toast. Mary tilts her head to the side and makes her way over to me. She wraps me in her arms and hugs me tightly. “Good morning sweet girl.” She whispers in my ear and I give her a gentle squeeze.
After I eat my breakfast, I say my goodbyes and head out the door. It’s chilly outside, but I can feel the warm sun meeting my back. I breathe in the crisp air and head to the garage. I get in my car and ignite the engine. I grab the picture of my mother and father on the dash. After examining it for a short while I gently kiss it and carefully put it back in its place. I roll down the driveway and onto the winding road down the hill.
I turn on the pebble road that leads to the park Matthew and I played at ever since we were younger. It has trees throughout it and a gazebo it the middle. There is also a turtle filled pond with lily pads and a wood bridge crossing over it. A wood swing set rests between the gazebo and the pond. As I pull up I see Matthew sitting on a swing, lightly swaying back and forth as he looks down at his black converse, wearing his usual black hoodie.
I put my car in park and get out. I tuck my hands in the pockets of my jacket and walk towards Matthew. He looks up at me and smiles weakly, “Hey stranger.” I return the smile and sit on the swing beside him; He tilts his head and looks into my eyes. I look towards the pond, “Look Matthew, I’m so, so sorry.” My eyes meet his once again. “Sorry for what?” He whispers.
I get up from the swing and make my way to the old bridge and rest my forearms on the rail. Matthew joins me, standing beside me, his shoulder touching mine. He looks down at me, something is really bothering him. What is it? “Kenze and I broke it off.” He says as his eyes search mine. “Wait, what?” I exclaim as I step back, my hands now gripping the rail. Matthew looks taken aback, “That’s what you wanted.” He looks hurt. I turn from him and cross my arms over my chest. I turn swiftly to face him once again, “It’s what I wanted.” I whisper.
Matthew runs a hand through his hair, he looks pissed now. “I’m sorry Mandy, but I don’t know what else you want from me. This was just yesterday that you acted like you wanted something more, now you don’t want it anymore.” He pauses and takes a step towards me and grips my arms, “Look, I was confused. We’ve been friends for so long, I didn’t know how to respond to your feelings. But I’ve thought a lot about it and I’ve realized my feelings for you are more than what I had thought. I love you.”
I look at my feet, this can’t be happening. I thought this is what I wanted, but it’s not. Matthew cups my chin and pulls my face up, my eyes once again meeting his. He brings his lips to mine and I close my eyes, sinking into him. But it’s not Matthew that I want to be kissing. I want it to be Fynn. I thought I loved Matthew, I thought I knew what love was, until I met Fynn.
I pull away from Matthew and hurriedly make my way to my car. I get in and start my engine, looking towards the bridge. Matthew is standing still, hurt on his face. I reverse and leave the park, my knuckles turning white from gripping the wheel. I turn into the drive and park my car. I get out and run to the house, my heart beating through my chest. I enter my room and quickly shut the door behind me. I rush to my dresser and retrieve a sports bra and some yoga pants. I lace up my ballet shoes and wrap my hair in a bun. I need to do something that I have denied myself for too long. I need to dance.
I put in my ear buds and clip my mp3 player to my sports bra. Music begins blasting in my ears and my body naturally responds. My feet pick up from under me. Allegro: Fast swift movements, my heart begins picking up the pace as I watch myself in the mirror. Arebesque: My toe pointed and my right leg straight as my left is extended behind me, my arms extended like the wings of a swan trying to take flight. Glissade: my body glides effortlessly across my wood floor, my weight swaying to the right and then the left. I am weightless, I think about the beautiful scaly mermaid gliding through the water.
I stop when my body can bear no more and sink to the ground, pulling my knees to my chest, my breaths are quick and beads of sweat have formed on my forehead. My eyes search the mirror for the love of my life once more. I refuse to believe that Fynn abandoned me. I refuse to believe that all of this was simply a dream, nothing more. I lie on my back and let the music continue to play, the rhythm becoming part of me, moving through my blood stream.
I’ve drifted away again. I am once again in the courtyard; the bodies are gone as is the blood. But I’m all alone this time. I look up at the Statue of Bellthor; it is shiny and pristine, unlike before. The swamp land is no longer, this place is lush and green. “Mandy.” I hear a voice in the distance, but not just any voice, its Fynn. I look down and I am wearing the same white dress that I was given on Fynn’s island, no shoes and my hair is down, falling over my shoulders.
Everything is blurry and seems slow motion. “Mandy.” There it is again. My feet pick up from under me and I begin running with all my might through the forest, it seems as though I can’t run fast enough. I try to holler his name, but no words come out no matter how hard I try.
Finally, I come to a ledge and look down. Fynn is standing on a jagged rock below; the waves are crashing all around him. I get on my hands and knees and peer over the edge, one second he was there, now he’s gone. “Mandy.” I hear it again, but it’s behind me. I get to my feet and turn to see Fynn duck behind a tree and disappear into the forest. My feet take flight again as I try to yell his name, still no words come out. I run after him for a while, following the traces that I can see of his white shirt between the trees.
I come to an abrupt stop when I meet a large crack in the ground; he is on the other side, waiting for me, holding out a hand. I look down at the crack and it begins growing wider. My eyes meet Fynn’s once again. “I’ll catch you, I promise.” He says. I nod and begin running towards him. I make it across and find myself in his arms. He is looking intently at me, he is seeing through my soul. “I never break a promise.” He whispers before his lips meet mine.
I awake, the floor is cold. I sit up and crawl towards the mirror. I grip both sides tightly. “Stop messing with me Fynn. I know that you’re trying to tell me something. I know you are trying to keep your promise. Come back to me
. I want you. I need you.” I examine the mirror once again. Nothing. I sigh and stand slowly. I run my fingers across the glass once more before I turn on my heel and lay on my bed, pulling the comforter over me. I switch off my lamp and stare at the mirror across the way. I miss him so much. I miss his kiss. I put my fingers to my lips and close my eyes. “Come back to me Fynn. Please.” I whisper, before drifting off into dreamless sleep, not even the boy with no a face visits me now. I am alone once more.
Chapter Nineteen
It’s rather difficult living in reality since I’ve been spoiled with the amazing world behind the mirror. Nothing here looks quite as beautiful as the world I was introduced to. Not even the hills that surround my hometown or the old buildings or the large redwood trees. It’s just not the same.
Several days have passed me by, time exists once again and I’m reminded of my mother’s fate. That reality is much too harsh to face. The thought that I may be motherless is overwhelming, which is silly because I’ve never really had a mother. Fynn never leaves my mind, but the dreams have stopped and the promise we made seems to have dwindled away.
I still have yet to go to school. McKenzie has yet to call me, I can only imagine she is upset and must believe that it’s my fault that she and Matthew broke things off – which is initially what I wanted, but not anymore.
This is not what I imagined my senior year of high school to be. I never thought that my mother would be in the position that she is. I never thought that my father and I would have grown like we have as a result of my mother’s condition. I never thought that I would meet the love of my life on the other side of a mirror. I never thought that I would have lived a completely different life in another world, one that I would have never imagined in my wildest dreams. I never thought that I would have fallen for Matthew and in the blink of an eye my feelings changed. Like day and night.
Something inside of me has taken a turn. The once weak girl has become strong. She has fought a war and won. I know why Fynn told me the battle was also mine. Because every single experience on the other side of that mirror represented my own personal struggles. The friends and enemies that I met along the way and the world that I embraced. All of it was to find myself. To understand myself. My anxieties have ceased. I feel like I am ready for anything.
I refuse to forget Fynn, whether or not it was just a dream, a vivid one at that… he is real to me - more than real. He has become my everything. My heart. My soul. The breaths that I take. Everything.
I decide to go to the park that Matthew and I met up at once more – alone. I need to clear my head before I go to the school and pick up some assignments. The tires bump along the pebble road and I place my car in park. I found a white flowy dress in my closet that I’ve nearly forgotten about. It reminds me of the one I received on Fynn’s island, but not as simply elegant. It stops at my knees and ties in the back. I’ve paired it with my black leather jacket and knee high black boots. I’ve let my hair flow freely today and it whips in the crisp breeze.
I sit in my car momentarily, looking towards the swings and playing back what happened between Matthew and me here. I’m angry with myself for putting him in that position. He has done nothing but care for me over the years and stick up for me. He’s an amazing friend and a wonderful person. We’ve grown into different people, him being so outgoing and me being so quiet. But, our relationship stayed regardless and it grew stronger. I love him so much, he is my best friend and I let him down.
I inhale the cold and exhale as I open my door and get out of my car. I walk to the bridge and grip the rail. I squeeze my eyes shut and feel the wind against my face, strands of hair tickling my chest. I feel like I’m on the ship with the pirates for the first time. I miss the warmth of the ocean and the calming rocking as we sailed to our destiny. I forgot about what the real world was like; it took me away from all of the pain and doubt. Fynn pushed me along the way, making me stronger and giving me the determination I needed. I jump when I hear a frog croak.
My eyes bolt open and I see a little green frog perched on the rail, right next to my hand. He’s looking up at me, surely frogs shouldn’t be out. It’s much too cold. But, there he is, looking up at me curiously. In a flash he hops into the pond below and my eyes follow him. I rest my forearms on the rail, my hair hanging down. The frog caused a ripple in the water; I watch it grow wider across the pond. It pains me to see this ripple; it makes me miss Fynn and my friends even more.
I turn and begin retreating back to my car. A strong gust of wind meets me, almost holding me back, keeping me here. I stop as it bears down on me, taking the leaves along with it and making the trees sway. I close my eyes and stand still, waiting for the wind’s assault to cease. I feel like I could be carried away, which I really wouldn’t mind. I feel what feels like a breath on my neck and I hear Fynn’s wonderful voice whisper, “I promise.” The wind stops and my eyes open as they fill with tears.
I’m still all alone, but what I heard was much too real. It was him. I look down at my feet as I wipe away my tears with the back of my hand. I look over at the bridge, it’s still vacant. The wood swings are swaying back and forth, empty. I’m by myself and Fynn made a promise once again. However, at this point I’m wondering if my mind’s alright. None of this makes sense, it never did in fact. But, it seems that every time I doubt these experiences that seemed to have happened, something pulls me back. A dream or a frog or a whisper. I’m always pulled back into believing. My feet pick up from under me and I get in my car. Once the engine comes alive I pull out of the parking lot and onto the curvy road and head to school.
Once I get to my destination, I pull up beside Matthew’s Mustang and park. I get out and run my fingers along the smooth body of the Mustang as I walk towards the entrance of the school. Its lunch time and people are everywhere, eating and interacting. I walk through the crowd when I feel someone grab my arm; I turn and see Sadie standing with her crew.
She looks beautiful as usual, her blue eyes shining and her silky blonde hair resting on her shoulders. She is sporting her usual smirk. “Well girls, look what the cat drug in!” She exclaims as she looks over her shoulder at her friends and they all giggle. I cock my head to the side and look directly into her eyes as I step forward. We are almost chest to chest, I can smell her flowery perfume and she looks rather uncomfortable with the fact that I am invading her personal space. “What is your problem with me Sadie? What have I ever done to you?” I whisper as I look deeply into her eyes. They grow wide as she registers my question. She scoffs and takes a step back, “Because I don’t like little freaks like you!” She says as her index finger jabs me in my chest. I look down at my feet and begin to turn and walk away, but something inside me ignites.
I ball my fist at my side and before I know it, I am rearing back and my fist comes into contact with her nose. I feel it crack under my knuckles and she lands on her behind at my feet. Blood is pouring from her nose and her fingers are gently padding her wound, examining it. This has drawn quite a crowd; people are surrounding us, looking from me to Sadie. She begins shedding tears as she looks up at me in disbelief. I’m smiling ear to ear, finally – she got hers.
I kneel down in order to see eye to eye with her. “Don’t look at me anymore. Don’t talk to me anymore. Don’t acknowledge me anymore. I don’t exist to you. You do not deserve to know me.” I stand and make my way through the crowd and begin walking to my car, this is probably not a good time to get my assignments after breaking the prom queen’s nose. I stop in my tracks when I run into Matthew on the outskirt of the crowd. I purse my lips as I slowly make my way towards him, my eyes meeting his. He is still so wonderfully stunning with his messy hair and caring eyes.
“What are you doing here?” He asks as he runs a hand through his hair. “I came to get my assignments, but…” I pause as I look over my shoulder and see Sadie getting up with the help of her friends. I look back towards Matthew and he is grinning, “But you decided to punch Sadie in the face
instead?” I nod as I run my hand through my hair, trying to refrain from smiling, but it’s so hard.
Matthew’s smile begins to disappear as he puts his hands in his pockets and looks towards the ground. “I’ll bring your assignments by your house later if you want.” He says, his eyes meeting mine again. “Really?” I whisper and he nods. “Okay, thanks Matthew.” I place a hand on his bicep and quickly withdraw when I see his expression change, the look of hurt taking over his carefree face. I hurriedly head back to my car and get in. I start the engine and pull out of the driveway. My dad is definitely going to get a call later.
I pull into the driveway and park my car. My dad’s car is parked in front of mine and there is a black sedan that I’m not familiar with. I open the front door and quietly shut it. I peek into the kitchen, no sign of Mary or dad. Where is everyone? I creep up the stairs and stop when I hear the familiar whoosh whoosh. What in the hell is this? I make my way up the rest of the steps and follow the sound into my mother’s room.
I swallow hard when I get the door. My eyes grow wide when I see Mary gently running her fingers over my mom’s face and dad is in the corner whispering with Dr. Smiley. I wrap my arms around myself. Dr. Smiley nods towards me and my dad looks over at me. Dr. Smiley grips my dad’s shoulder and squeezes gently before walking towards me. “Mandy.” He says as he nods and leaves the room. My dad walks towards me and places a hand on my back, leading me into the room. He and I stand beside my mother’s bed and Mary’s eyes travel up to meet mine. “I’ll leave you all alone.” She says as she forces a smile, deceiving her sad eyes.