Heartbeat

by Belinda Williams

  “Anyway, the night that Gabe was charged, the daddy came home real nasty-like. Drunk way too much and wanted to throw his weight around, so he started in on one of the boys in his care. Got so bad the other boys started laying into the daddy to get him off-a the child. But Gabe says it was like the devil was in the man that night and he just wouldn’t stop. Next thing they know, the momma come in with a baseball bat and start hitting her husband with it to get him off-a the children.”

  Dina’s own eyes were swimming with tears now. “Poor woman never stood a chance. That bad man took that bat right off her and took her down with it. That’s when my boy could take no more. Now, he’d learned how to fight real good, and if the devil was in the daddy the righteousness of our good Lord rained down on that bad man through the fists of my Gabriel that night. By the time the police arrived, the daddy was a right mess on the floor, and thank all that is holy that poor woman was still breathing.”

  “Gabe saved his foster mom?” I couldn’t hide the hope in my voice.

  “All the boys there that night attested to that.” Dina’s face twisted in disgust. “Didn’t stop the police charging Gabe, though. All they saw was a delinquent boy turning on the good folk that had taken him in.

  “I still thank the Lord the boy was fifteen and only charged with juvenile assault. Did jail time too, and where’s the justice in that? Picked on his whole life and then finally stands up for someone, and he ends up behind bars.”

  “How long was he in jail?” Despite all that I had heard I still found it hard to imagine Gabe in jail. Now I knew his ability to blend in and fly below the radar had more to do with pretending he wasn’t dumb at school. It was survival.

  “Only six months. Then on probation for a time. He did everything right, but of course what child has a chance after an experience like that? He dropped out of school and took any job he could that didn’t require references. Dishwashing, cleaning toilets—he did whatever he could to get by.”

  “And playing drums.”

  Dina’s smile was gentle. “Playing drums suited him. He could be around the music he loved, but stay in the background. Everyone’s looking at the Johnnie Walshes of the world, not the guy in the back. Who knew he’d end up in the world’s hottest rock band.”

  “As Gabriel da Silva,” I finished.

  “Yes, that was me who told him to change his name. He didn’t need no reporters hunting around trying to dredge up his childhood. Boy’s already been through enough. We also figured out that his record could be sealed because he was tried as a juvenile, and I thank the Lord above we got that done before he hit the big time.”

  I wiped a tear from my cheek and sniffed. “Has he told anyone about his past?”

  “Only that girl he was with for a time, but that’s a strange story there. One he’ll likely tell you about in his own good time. All I’ll say ’bout that is she preferred him when he was an injured baby bird that needed looking after, not a grown man making a name for himself in a famous rock band. Until now, no one else but me or her knew about Gabriel Sloane, Miz Chloe Kemp.”

  “Then how did Levi know?” I thought aloud. Levi had known the truth about Gabe and used it against him. Judged him on it, no less.

  Dina sighed and reached for her coffee. “Ah, my mistake. It was that ex-girlfriend of his that slipped and told Levi, and look how that’s turned out. I’m the only one from his old life he keeps in touch with and can’t say I blame him for wanting to put it behind him. Can you believe that damn boy tried to buy me a house when he became rich? I told him what he could do with his big wads of cash, don’t you worry.”

  I laughed through my tears, so glad this amazing woman had come into Gabe’s life, and I said as much.

  Dina gave me a dismissive wave. “Oh, don’t you start. You’re as bad as he is. I’ll start to believe the world really is a bad place when we have to thank people for basic kindness.”

  I reached over and grasped her hand. “But his story could have been so different. Who’s to know if he would have lost his life to drugs or ended up in jail for another crime when he was older?” Because of parents who had failed him and a system that had let him fall through the cracks.

  She squeezed my hand. “No way of that happening. You take my word. That boy was always going to rise above. I saw it back then and I still see it now. He’s his biggest enemy.”

  I nodded sadly. “He doesn’t think he’s worthy of any of it. His success, his career. He doesn’t think he deserves me.”

  That was the first time I’d confided in anyone about that. Dina released my hand and patted it kindly. “Then you’re in his life for a reason, child. Help him rise above.”

  I sat back. “That’s the thing. I think he needs to do it on his own to appreciate his true worth. He doesn’t believe me—anyone—when we say we believe in him.”

  “Stubborn boy he is, I know. Pride is important to a man and he’s in sore need of a good dose. Can I ask you a personal question?”

  “Yes.”

  “Do you love him?”

  It was a good question. Did I still love Gabriel da Silva—Sloane? After all Dina had told me, and when Gabe didn’t have the strength to explain it to me himself?

  “Yes,” I replied without hesitation. Was I naïve? Perhaps. Was I young? Yes. But I knew without a doubt in the world that my heart was Gabe’s. “But I don’t know if he loves me.”

  “Why do you say that?”

  “He’s never told me.”

  Dina pursed her lips thoughtfully. “Never told me either. It was in the things he did for me. The cups of tea, the dinners, the way he never lost touch once he became a man. Always did right by me.”

  I recalled, right from the beginning, Gabe’s unwavering loyalty. His need to protect me from Johnnie, helping me when things with Mama took a turn, the way he was there without question when Damon was in hospital. He was always there by my side. “He does right by me, too. Except now. He won’t let me in.”

  “Then let him go.”

  “What?”

  At my raised voice, a faint smile touched Dina’s lips. “Let the man figure himself out first. Set him free and when he’s ready, he’ll find you.”

  “But, but—”

  Her smile turned knowing. “But you’re afraid he won’t come back.”

  “No, I’m afraid I’ll hurt him,” I whispered. And myself. I’d hurt myself if I let him go. “He’s been so scared of losing me.”

  “The sort of love you’re talking about can’t be lost, child. This I know.”

  “I . . . ” I let my voice trail off. I couldn’t let go, could I? It could break him. It would break me.

  “You think I’m crazy?”

  “No, I—”

  “You doubt your strength and his. You’re young. It’s there in you, you just have to trust it and find your own paths.”

  “But shouldn’t I be there supporting him?”

  She raised a shoulder in an offhand shrug. “Not if he won’t let you.”

  I raised my gaze as Viktor loomed in the doorway. He tapped his wristwatch.

  I sighed. We had a flight to catch. Viktor had made it clear we wouldn’t be staying in Minnesota long.

  I stood up and gave Dina a grateful smile. “Thank you so much for agreeing to see me.”

  “It’s been a pleasure, Miz Chloe Kemp, Hollywood actress. I wish it had been under happier circumstances.”

  “It’s Chloe,” I corrected, and she laughed one of those big booming laughs I knew I would always enjoy hearing.

  As I went to move toward the hall, she came over and engulfed me in a hug. “Good luck, child. Giving him the time and space he needs doesn’t mean you don’t love him. It’s the exact opposite, trust me. Don’t give up on my boy.”

  Her last words made tears sting in the corners of my eyes. “Never.”

  Chapter 47

  Breaking up with Gabriel da Silva was the hardest thing I’d had to do in my adult life so far.

  I
told him on a beautiful Californian spring day when the sky was the sort of blue little girls would color into pictures of happy families and days by the beach. Classic LA perfection, but for me it was no ordinary day.

  I’d asked Gabe to meet me at my new house, or what would soon be my new house. My assistant had found it the day I’d visited Dina, and I’d gone to see it the following morning in an attempt to cheer myself up. As soon as I’d arrived, I knew it was the one. I’d just picked up the keys and Damon and I would start moving our things in next week.

  I watched Gabe stroll along the edge of the pool that offered breathtaking views of the city and coastline. The house lay behind us. I’d gone for modern. I hadn’t expected I’d like modern so much. I’d enjoyed staying at Faith’s cozy house, but I realized when I’d seen this I wanted something fresh and new. Not Old World charm like Mama or homely like Faith. Something that was bright and let in a lot of light. It was all that and more. It had three levels. I’d take the upstairs level, with more of those amazing views, while Damon was happy with the basement level. He was already making enquiries about setting up a studio. The middle level held the kitchen and living areas that led out to the pool area where we were currently standing.

  “It’s very Hollywood,” Gabe said, taking in the vista.

  “That’s who I am.”

  I couldn’t see his eyes behind his sunglasses but those two lines appeared in his brow. “I didn’t mean it as a bad thing.”

  “I know.” I walked over to him. I wasn’t going to drag this out. We’d done the small talk when he arrived and both of us were nervous. “I visited Dina.”

  He blew out a long breath. “And?”

  “And I think where you’re standing right now this place must feel like some sort of alternate universe.”

  The lines deepened. “That was a long time ago.”

  “But you still don’t believe you have a right to be here.”

  He turned away and shoved his hands into his pockets. “You’re asking me to trust in something that could be gone tomorrow.”

  “The band is over and you’re still standing here,” I pointed out. “And it’s not about the house or money or the fame. It’s the fact you feel you don’t deserve to be here.”

  “I don’t!” He strode over and I saw my reflection in his glasses. “What makes me any different to any of those kids I grew up with? Some of them are dead now, Chloe. Others may as well be. And what’s different? Luck. Damn, stupid luck.”

  “So you’re lucky I love you then? Is that it?”

  Gabe flinched and took a step back. I couldn’t stop the bubble of laughter at his predictable reaction to my expressing my love for him. Gabe frowned. How long had it been since he smiled? I missed his easygoing laughter.

  “I’m surprised you even wanted to see me again after seeing Dina,” he said.

  “Why on earth would you say that?”

  “Because I’ve done jail time, Chloe! Do you really want to be with a guy like that?”

  “You mean a guy who suffered the worst sort of childhood possible and saved a woman’s life?”

  “I almost killed someone.”

  “I think you’re concentrating too hard on the negatives. You saved a woman’s life, Gabe.”

  “I was lucky I didn’t kill him or things would have been a lot different.”

  “But you didn’t. And I don’t deny luck is a big part of things. I was lucky to be born into a Hollywood family. You didn’t have that privilege. You had a shitty, unlucky life for a really long time. But life is also about what you make of it. You could have let your time in jail define you. You didn’t. You worked honest jobs to get by and you made your own way. That’s not luck, that’s grit. You know what Mama once told me? ‘Grit will get you through when Lady Luck deserts you.’ You have grit, Gabe. That’s why you’re here. That was you.”

  Gabe stared at me for a long time. I wished I could see behind his glasses because what I was about to ask wasn’t something I was taking lightly. I’d argued with myself for days about it, but in the end I knew what I had to do.

  “Gabriel da Silva,” I began.

  “That’s not my—”

  “Yes, it is. You got it changed legally so that’s what you’re called. Gabriel da Silva, do you love me?”

  Silence stretched between us. A light breeze rustled the palm trees and the perfect day seemed oblivious to my heartache.

  “I . . . ” Gabe hung his head. “I can’t.”

  I closed my eyes and inhaled a breath of the salty air. That was what I had thought. That was my answer. I opened my eyes and walked over to him. I put a hand on his cheek, which was now smooth.

  “I know. Which is why I’m breaking up with you.”

  Gabe stilled. I knew the exact second it happened because even his chest failed to move. He was holding his breath. That told me two things: he did care for me and he still held hope for us.

  “Not for good, you understand, but I’m letting you go for a while.”

  “Huh?”

  I almost laughed. He was breathing again and probably thought I was a crazy female, which I was pretty sure I was.

  “Gabe, I may only be twenty-one, but I’m not going to be in a relationship with someone who can’t love me. So go figure yourself out. Learn to believe in yourself. Every time I tell you, you won’t hear it. Go use some of that grit and make something of yourself. City of Angels and all that.”

  His mouth fell open. “I’m the drummer in Gypsy Hour. Isn’t that good enough?”

  I laughed. “Were. You were the drummer. What I mean is you need success on your own terms. And I don’t care if you’re the hottest rock star in the world, the Gabriel da Silva I want, need, is someone who is secure in my love for him.”

  “So what? You’re breaking up with me, but you still love me?”

  I smiled. “Screwed up, isn’t it? Basically what it means is I don’t want to see you, talk to you or message you until you’re ready. That might be in a month, six months, or a year.”

  “I can’t expect you to wait for me,” he sputtered.

  “And I can’t expect you to be in a relationship with me when you’re not even capable of loving yourself, let alone me. God, that makes me sound like a self-help book, but it’s true.”

  “You could write one,” Gabe suggested, the first hint of humor I’d seen from him in a while.

  “True. I might leave it for a bit and see if my advice works though.”

  Gabe pushed his sunglasses onto his head and looked into my eyes. “How long, Chloe? How long have I got? I want to make this work.”

  “You want to love me? That’s the thing. You’ll know, Gabe. You’ll just know. I guess I can’t promise anything. Maybe I’ll meet the man of my dreams next year and that would suck. Or maybe it’s been you all along.”

  “We can’t leave it like this. Give me a date. Give me something.”

  “Gabe, you have my love. No matter what happens between us, you’ll always have that. And if you want a date, make it my twenty-second birthday next year.”

  He pressed his forehead to mine and I could feel the pain thrumming through him.

  “I’m so sorry,” he whispered.

  “No,” I told him. “No more sorry. Go live your life, Gabe. Write some wonderful songs. I can’t wait to hear them. Meanwhile, I’m doing a Broadway show and I’ve just signed on for my first action movie.”

  Gabe eased back. “Seriously? That’s awesome. But aren’t action movies dangerous? All the stunts and everything?”

  “Shh. If I told you that, I’d have to kill you.”

  He smiled and for the first time that morning my mood matched the weather.

  Perhaps it was typical Chloe Kemp of me, but I had to believe, somehow, someday, this was all going to work out.

  Chapter 48

  I tried pretending everything was rosy from then on, but it wasn’t. In the days after I broke up with Gabe, I was a complete mess. I loved him and I’d let him
go. How stupid was I? Then I’d fight with myself about calling him. He needed my support right now and what had I done? Abandoned him.

  Faith wasn’t having a bar of it, nor were Lena or Ally. They helped me move in to my new house and they visited whenever our schedules would allow. If it weren’t for my girlfriends, Damon and Mama, I wouldn’t have survived those first couple of months. Damon always made sure the band practiced elsewhere when I was home, and I was grateful for that.

  After a while the media speculation about Gabe’s past started to die down. The judgment faded and curiosity prevailed. The headlines spoke of Gabe’s new band, but no one knew who was in it, or when they’d release a song.

  The first time I heard one of Gabe’s songs was when I was backstage on Broadway. It had been four months and I walked into the dressing area to find several of the chorus girls peering at a video on one of their phones.

  Keira straightened as I walked in. “Oh, hi, Chloe.”

  Serena’s eyes went wide and she hit pause on the video.

  “Is that Gabe’s new song?” I asked.

  “Yes, but—”

  “Can I take a look?”

  Serena, her eyes still wide, handed me the phone. “You’re not mad?”

  “Why would I be mad?” I refreshed the video and let it start from the beginning.

  If I was sad it wasn’t a love song, I was soon close to tears anyway. The song was called Lessons Learned, and the video had been filmed in various disadvantaged areas around the country. Gabe was playing basketball with some street kids, while Emilio hung out at a homeless shelter. And there was Damon backstage with a bunch of erotic dancers. The message was clear: life may be tough, but we did what we had to survive.

  I handed the phone back to the girls when it was done.

  “Holy crap, did you know he could sing like that?” Serena asked.

  “Or play guitar?” Keira asked.