by Naomi Kryske
The bench was occupied. They found a shady spot to sit on the grass. She took his hand, conscious as she did so that Colin would draw inappropriate conclusions from it if he saw it. “When are you most afraid? At the beginning?”
He smiled. “No, when the adrenalin kicks in, it feeds excitement as well as fear.”
“Why are you excited?”
“Because I want to do what I’ve trained to do, not just chat about it or wait in a van or other assault position.”
She remembered feeling that combination, but lately the fear had smothered the excitement. “Do excitement and fear always go together?”
“Yes, but there must be a balance. Too much fear, and you’re either in the wrong line of work or you’re a sick bastard. Too much excitement can lead to irresponsibility. Fear keeps you from doing something reckless.”
They watched a cyclist speed by and then swerve suddenly. The bicycle’s wheels skidded, losing traction, and the rider went down hard.
Simon helped her to her feet. The young man was still on the ground, leaning forward and grimacing in pain.
“I could take a look, sir,” Simon said.
“He has medical training,” Jenny offered.
“If you’ve broken anything, you’ll need an ambulance,” Simon continued.
The man’s teeth were clenched, but he nodded.
“Don’t watch him, watch me,” she said, taking the man’s hand. She heard his sharp intake of breath and knew Simon was examining him.
“Your ankle’s sprained.”
“If you’ll help me up, I can get home then,” the young man said. “I’ll use my bike as a crutch.”
“Ice it the first forty-eight hours, no more than twenty minutes at a time,” Simon advised. “Elevate it. It’ll reduce the swelling. Wait an hour between ice treatments. It wouldn’t hurt to have an x-ray in a couple days if it’s still bothering you.”
The man tried to smile his thanks.
“Don’t worry if bruises appear. Do worry if your pain spreads or your toes become numb. And you’ll need some exercises to lessen the chance of reinjury.”
“He’s big on exercises,” she explained.
They watched him go, hobbling next to his machine. Jenny and Simon walked farther into the park. “Was he reckless?” she asked. “I’d like to be reckless—to be able to love someone recklessly, without worrying if I’m going to fall.”
“What’s happening between you and Sinclair, Jenny?”
She wanted to explain without mentioning body parts. “Imagine that every day when you come home from work, there’s a fresh apple pie on the counter. It’s still warm, and it smells fantastic. You cut a slice, put it on a plate, and spear a forkful. But you’re not allowed to eat it. Each day the scent greets you, but you can’t take a bite. Eventually you wouldn’t want to come home. You’d start to hate apple pie.” She paused. “Colin’s the one who comes home, and I’m the apple pie.”
He restrained a smile. “How can I help, love?”
“I don’t know. You taught me to face things, and I am, but it’s intense. Sometimes I wish I could take a break.”
“You could come to my flat for a bit,” he suggested, trying for a matter-of-fact tone.
“I’d cramp your style.”
“No obligation, Jenny. I’ve a sofa to sleep on.”
“You’re a gentleman, Simon.”
No woman had ever called him that.
“I’ve thought about going, but if I don’t find the solution with Colin, I won’t have anything to offer anyone else. I have to see this through.”
He had taught her too well.
They turned back toward Hollister’s and stopped briefly to let an elderly couple pass by. The grey-haired gentleman was smiling gently at his wife and holding her hand as they walked. Her face was lined with trust.
“Look, Simon,” she said. “That’s what I want.”
“To be old?”
“Yes. To have loved someone for years. To be comfortable and secure in that love. To know it will last because it has.”
The despair in her tone disturbed him. He put his arm around her and permitted his lips to rest against her hair. Would her hair smell this good when she was fifty? He thought so.
CHAPTER 29
Jenny hadn’t been certain Colin would join her for their next Knowles appointment. He’d been coming home later and later from the Yard, and she was afraid to push him beyond pleasantries. When she tried to tell him about Danny’s visit to the bookstore—he’d accepted Esther’s offer of a cup of tea, made himself comfortable, and charmed everyone, including the children, with his playful sense of humor—she felt like she was talking to herself.
She’d been afraid that her fear would come between them, and it had. Colin no longer touched her at all. To occupy her time, she started a new list: Lessons Learned. Brian was right: She needed a plan. How did other people deal with fear? Churchill hadn’t given in. Roosevelt had led a nation. Surely she could love one man!
What would Colin tell her to do? Gather all the information she could. Believe in herself, in what she could be. But she still felt like Jenny Past, not Jenny Future.
Friends were important, Colin’s mother had said. Simon was a friend, and he had always encouraged her to accept help. He also believed in preparing yourself mentally—having the right mindset—but she didn’t see how that applied. She knew in her mind what she wanted; she just didn’t know how to get her body to go along. Simon would also tell her to rely on the strength of her team. How? Dr. Knowles was guiding her with his sessions and assignments, but it wasn’t enough.
She looked at her list. Each ingredient was important, but something was missing. And no recipe would cook if the oven shut off.
When they entered Dr. Knowles’ consulting room, Colin didn’t sit. He walked stiffly to the window and looked out, his body rigid and unyielding.
“What would you like to discuss today?” Knowles asked.
“Helplessness,” she answered, her eyes on Colin’s back.
“That’s one of the most difficult issues we face as human beings,” Knowles said, choosing not to confront Colin, “because regardless of our rank and station, we all experience it at some point in our lives. Studies show that victims of trauma often feel helpless long after the event.”
“My fear makes me helpless. I was afraid of the monster, afraid in the hospital, and afraid in witness protection, but I conquered those fears. I’m afraid with Colin, and I shouldn’t be. I don’t want to be.”
Knowles glanced at Colin but saw no reaction.
“But the worst fear of all is fear of sex, because none of my other fears hurt anyone else. And I’m more helpless than I’ve ever been, because I can’t conquer this fear by myself.”
She saw Colin bow his head and turn slowly in her direction. He did not speak.
“More helpless than when you were alone with Scott?” Knowles asked, still hoping that Colin would participate voluntarily. His anger was palpable.
“Dr. Knowles, somebody removed my clothes when I was unconscious. At first I thought it must have been the two men who worked for the monster, but then I realized that they’d never have stripped me and not raped me. So it must have been the monster himself. He must have savored how helpless I was and anticipated how helpless he’d make me later. He removed my underwear. He saw—everything. It makes my skin crawl, thinking about him touching me when I didn’t know.”
Her voice dropped to a whisper. “Sometimes I wonder—why did he stop kicking me when I was unconscious? When I couldn’t feel it anymore? Is anger not satisfying unless you can see that the other person is hurting?”
Colin’s eyes narrowed, and his jaw tensed where he had nicked himself shaving. She addressed the blue eyes. “It’s fear, not love, that’s the problem. Colin, please,” she begged. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. I want you to need me again!”
“Are you afraid of Casey?” Colin asked in his impersonal policeman’s voice.
“Colin, he was my bodyguard, my doctor. He saved my life. He treated my wounds. But if he took his pants off, I’d be afraid.”
“How close are you?” The stern tone could not disguise his jealousy.
“Why don’t you take out your notebook and record my statement?” she retorted. “Close enough for him to see how much I love Detective Chief Inspector Colin Sinclair, and how much panic and despair I feel because he has given up on me!”
“I haven’t given up,” Colin said woodenly.
“Dr. Knowles,” she said desperately, “why am I still so afraid of this man’s body? Why does progress have to be so slow, when I love him so much?”
“Because a monster nearly murdered you,” Knowles replied gently. “Being helpless at a critical time arrested your sexual development. We’re involved in some psychological CPR here.”
“But CPR takes two people, doesn’t it? I can’t do it by myself! I need mouth-to-mouth!”
Colin recalled suddenly seeing her for the first time, her precious mouth closed around the tube that helped her breathe. He remembered how laboured and painful her solo breaths had been. How she had struggled to walk. How she had looked bleeding behind the courthouse. He saw again the depth of her commitment, to life, to justice, and finally, to him. His wife, Violet, had betrayed him, not this ardent young woman who wore her heart on her sleeve. “Jenny,” he said hoarsely.
His face was stricken, but his arms were open. She pressed herself against him and felt his embrace. “Colin—Colin—remember the purple heart watch you gave me? I’m going to earn those purple hearts again. I promise!”
Dr. Knowles waited, relieved. Seeing Colin vulnerable could empower Jenny, and a renewed pledge could strengthen them both.
When Colin took out his handkerchief, she laughed through her tears. They sat down together on Dr. Knowles’ sofa, Jenny holding Colin’s hand with both of hers.
“What happened this week between the two of you?” Knowles asked.
“I pulled away,” Colin answered.
“You didn’t want to come tonight, did you?”
“No.”
“Why did you then?”
“I love her, Theo. In spite of everything.”
“Colin, why did you pull away from her?”
“I was angry that I couldn’t change her perspective.”
Knowles leant forward. “Think back, Colin. How did you feel before the anger? What feeling came first?”
“I was shocked by her reaction to me in last week’s session. I didn’t think we could recover.”
“Colin, what were you afraid of?” Knowles pressed.
“That she’d never want me,” he said in a hollow voice.
She listened carefully to Dr. Knowles. He was seeking information from Colin, not judging him. His voice did not reveal alarm. Did he think she could heal? He had been encouraging at the beginning; would he be now?
As the two men talked, she realized that until this past week, she had never felt unwanted in her relationship with Colin. Now, however, she understood in a small way the hopelessness he felt. How do you keep going when something so basic to your identity is unappreciated? No—denied. She had felt alien, set apart, since the attack. She felt less of a woman because she hadn’t experienced the positive side of sex that so many other women had. Had her problem—her rejection—caused Colin to feel less of a man? If so, what she had done was unforgivable. She rubbed Colin’s fingers gently, hoping to massage some life into them.
Knowles leant back in his chair. “Crisis in a relationship gives us an opportunity to re-examine our commitment.”
She paled, and her fingers tensed involuntarily, pinching Colin’s. “Colin, I love you. Please don’t send me away.”
He kissed her once, gently, on the side of her head. “I’ll not do that. I promise.”
“Colin, do you understand what has just taken place here?” Knowles asked. “Jenny has proved that she has the ability to cope, not just in an everyday environment but in one that is extremely stressful. It’s a very significant indication of future success, I must say.”
CHAPTER 30
Colin and Jenny spent the weekend getting reacquainted. Friday evening they held each other gently, and she tried to let the sound of his beating heart reassure her.
On Saturday he looked a little less haunted, but they didn’t seem able to step into their usual routine. After morning tea—the universal palliative, she called it—she suggested that they have a Sainsbury’s shopping spree instead of a walk on the Heath. “Food fortifies you,” she said. “At least that’s what Brian always said. Let’s go without a list and choose whatever is most appealing. What’s your comfort food?”
“Roast beef with creamy mash.”
She couldn’t restrain a laugh. “Potatoes! Why don’t you have a paunch?”
“I’ve been working out quite a bit lately. At the gym.”
Ouch. “Do you want to go there today?” she asked carefully.
“No, Jenny. Let’s be together today.”
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
She followed Brian’s recipe for the potatoes, mashing them with warm cream and melted butter and adding a dash of nutmeg as well as salt and pepper. The smell of cooking beef gradually filled the flat with the warmth of home, but she and Colin had still not addressed any of the issues that hung in the air between them. “Colin, I need some CPR,” she said after dinner.
“Sergeant Casey is better qualified in that area, Jenny.”
“Oh, Colin, I want you to see if my heart’s beating, not Simon.”
“Has he ever kissed you?”
“Colin, it’s not a romantic relationship. It’s a coral-clinging-to-the-rock relationship. I respect him. He teaches me things I need to know. That’s all.”
“You cling to him?”
“This last week I did, metaphorically speaking. I needed all the help I could get.”
“You rang him?”
When Colin had interviewed her long ago, she had been the victim. Now she felt like the offender. “I didn’t know what else to do, Colin! You had built a wall around yourself.”
“What did you tell him?”
“That I had to find a way to deal with my fear. He didn’t have to ask what I was afraid of.”
“Did he talk to you about sex?”
“No, he talked about soldiers. He said that fear of failure was the common thread among most servicemen. He said that a mission can be completed even when people are injured. That gave me hope, Colin—maybe I don’t have to be entirely healed to solve this thing.”
She saw his slow nod.
“Colin, I’m not going to apologize for trusting him. It’s what you wanted me to do, after all. And in witness protection—I was with your policemen twenty-four hours a day. You came and went. Except for brief leaves, they didn’t. Now I’m alone much of the time. The Hollisters are nice, but the work isn’t compelling. And there’s nothing else.”
“Fair enough,” he concluded. “Have you told Casey you’re all right?”
“No, because I’m not.”
“What would you have me do?”
“Stop kissing me like I’m your sister!”
Rapid, shallow breaths, heart rate elevated, prognosis for the patient—still guarded.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
On Sunday afternoon she asked Colin about Violet.
“Jenny, I don’t still love her, and I don’t think of her. Why do you want to know about her?”
“Because you’ve shared things with her that we haven’t. Like a bed.”
He shifted uncomfortably in his chair. “Youth and sexual attraction go a long way. In our case they concealed a basic difference in values.”
“I’m attracted to you.”
He smiled briefly. “I know. I know you are.”
“Colin, what went wrong?”
“She didn’t support my choice of career. I th
ought she’d adjust to it over time, but I was wrong. Being married to a copper didn’t play well on the social scene. I thought having children would settle her, but she didn’t want them. Then my father became ill.” He sighed.
She was on the sofa, and he was sitting in one of the armchairs nearby, leaning forward, his elbows on his knees. She waited to see if he would continue.
“She wasn’t just unsympathetic, she was repelled. Disease, medical treatments, death—none of it’s pretty. The ‘for better or for worse’ vow? She couldn’t adhere to the ‘for worse’ part.”
“Colin, is this our ‘for worse’ part?”
He was silent for a moment. “There’s a time for healing. I believe we’ll get to the ‘for better.’”
“Was she unfaithful to you?”
“It’s possible. I don’t know. I don’t want to know.”
Detectives always want to know.
“She remarried as soon as it was legally possible.”
He lost his wife and his father at about the same time. That would shut anybody down. “Colin, how did you keep going?”
“Goodwyn. I spoke with Neil Goodwyn.”
“I liked him,” she remembered.
“He waited until I was ready to talk to him, actually. Then he countered every statement I made with, ‘Yes, but God is…’”
“God is what?”
“God is strong enough to withstand my anger. God is merciful enough to forgive my shortcomings. God is loving enough to understand my grief. God is big enough to direct my life. No matter what storms come.”
“Even Hurricane Jenny?”
He smiled.
“Does He care enough to heal me, Colin?”
He hesitated only slightly. “I believe so. Jenny, if you can walk, you can dance. And when you do, I want it to be with me.”
CHAPTER 31
On Monday Jenny went to Hollister’s late, needing some time to reflect on the events of the weekend. She and Colin had made a new start, but their connection was still tenuous. He had not withdrawn his proposal, but he had not referred to it since her disastrous disclosure to Dr. Knowles, and she was afraid to bring it up. Looking back, she wished she had been more careful in her choice of words. The monster’s entire body had been a weapon, not just one part. His hands and his feet had caused pain, too, and he had even used the sound in his throat against her. However, what he had done with the part that made him male had been the worst.