by A. m Madden
Every, are you okay was met with, I’m fine.
Every, what’s wrong was met with, nothing.
I couldn’t compete with whatever consumed her, especially if she wasn’t going to open up and tell me what it was. Nor could I force her to do so. I could, however, do my part to help her understand where I was coming from. And maybe, it would be enough to break down the wall she carefully built around her heart.
My eyes tracked her moving around her place busying herself with nonsense. It wasn’t ten minutes before I finally cracked. “Can we talk?”
She looked up from the pile of mail she had been flipping through. “Sure.”
Stepping to where she stood, I removed an envelope from her hands. “Nessa, the time we spent together in California was the best time I’ve ever had in my life. Going in, we had clear expectations on what we wanted this arrangement to be. But somewhere along the line, and I can’t even say it was in California, things changed for me. There were moments here and there that made me want more of them. There were times when apart that made me want you by my side. So many times I’d laugh over something and make a mental note to tell you about it. And when I would, you’d find it just as funny as I did. All those tiny flecks of feelings somehow converged and overruled my original motives for wanting to be with you.” I took her face in my hands, the words I’d been dying to say for days now no longer clogged in my throat. “Vanessa Monroe, I think I’m falling in love with you.”
“No.” She shook her head vehemently, breaking away from my hold. “You can’t be falling for me, Kyle. That’s not what I agreed to.”
“You can’t tell me how to feel, Vanessa.” Her eyes widened, watered, and then narrowed. “You need to let this happen.” My heart felt as though it was ready to burst through my ribcage.
She stepped away, turning her back to me. “You need to go.”
Vanessa
“Nessa.” When I didn’t turn around, he forced me to. “Why are you fighting this?” His crystal blue eyes scanned my face, waiting for me to answer.
What did he expect me to say? Why? Because this wasn’t part of the agreement. Since day one I’d been the gatekeeper to this unorthodox arrangement we had between us. And there was a reason for it. What he was forcing me to feel, to admit, to accept was the reason I fought it.
Every single thing I tried to avoid came to fruition. This person I sort of morphed into since meeting Kyle was not the happy-go-lucky Vanessa I worked so hard perfecting for years. Normally nothing fazed me, nothing ruffled my feathers.
And then he came along.
Kyle made me feel things I had no business feeling, and I couldn’t allow that.
He was fucking with my mind. I shouldn’t have him and only him on my mind. The last time that happened, my world imploded around me. I absolutely couldn’t handle that kind of heartbreak again.
“Jesus, Nessa. What the hell?” My silence caused him to lose his patience with me. “I can’t keep up with your moods.” He advanced, forcing me to step back until my lower back hit the countertop behind me. With his face an inch from mine, he trapped me between his arms as he gripped the edge of the Formica.
“Let me ask you a question.” I needed to drive this conversation to prove my ambivalence. “Do you believe in soul mates?”
“I didn’t, until now.” Through his gorgeous blue eyes, I could see the honesty behind his statement.
“Giving your entire heart to one person is a huge risk.” And one I didn’t want to ever take again. His eyes remained pinned to mine, forcing me to add, “What if we all get just one chance at it, and for whatever reason it doesn’t work out?”
He rubbed his jaw with his hand. “One chance at finding your soul mate?”
“Yeah, just one,” I said, sounding desperate. “Once you find the right formula, the one that works better than all others you’ve tried, and you wake up one day and it’s gone, then what?”
“You try again.” His head tilted a bit to the side. “You mean to tell me you wouldn’t? So, if I created a perfume that I thought was perfect, I shouldn’t try again because I thought I had it right the first time?” I offered a shrug. “That’s ridiculous, Nessa. On the flip side, if you don’t find perfection the first time, you keep trying. You can’t give up because it didn’t work out the way you wanted it to. Hell, if I did that I wouldn’t even have a business.”
His words hit me with a dull ache in my heart. There wouldn’t be a next time for me. No one could or would convince me otherwise. Insisting to get my point across, I shook my head in disagreement. “What I’m saying is, once you find the right formula that you think is best, that should be it.”
“You’re wrong. Life is about chances and in order to live it, you need to learn to take them. Did you find the perfect formula for yourself, Nessa? Is this…” He gestured between us with a long pause. “This works for you?” Kyle’s eyes penetrated mine as if they were searching for a clue or a hint of what I felt. “Please communicate.” When I didn’t offer any guidance, he tucked his hands in the pockets of his pants and sighed. “What is it that you want, Vanessa?” Again he waited patiently for me to continue.
“Space,” I blurted out. I finally found the nerve to say what I wanted to. In a much softer tone, I did even more damage by adding, “You’re suffocating me. I need space, Kyle.”
“Suffocating?” All emotion drained from his face. Instantly, I regretted my choice of words. It wasn’t him who was suffocating me, more so the emotions he forced me to feel. But the words were out there, and I couldn’t take them back. Based on the tension in his jaw, the damage was done. He stood glaring, not making it easy on me. “I’m suffocating you?”
“Yes.”
We once again locked gazes in a battle of wills. He blinked his eyes, nodded his head once, and turned to leave. Every fiber of my being wanted to grab his arm and explain more, but I had nothing left. As it was, I felt like an open book. Instead, I watched him walk away. He draped his jacket over his arm and grabbed the handle of his suitcase with his free hand. Right before he pulled my door open he turned to look at me. “If space is what you want, it’s yours. I’ll see you around.”
The gentle click of my door sounded like a loud slam. I wanted him to go… no, I needed him to go. Yet, it felt as though he took a piece of my heart with him when he left.
For the longest time, I just stood staring at that door. I was the one responsible for the change in atmosphere. Drama wasn’t my thing, ever. Yet, I couldn’t help but feel I overreacted whenever he crossed that invisible line I drew in the sand.
Chapter 21
Vanessa
After a sleepless night, I spent most of my day cleaning my apartment. The entire time I thought of him. Hours later, I flopped down on my couch and took in my handiwork.
My place hadn’t looked this neat and tidy in ages. It even smelled better. Involuntarily, I tilted my head back and took in a generous whiff. The can said it was lemon scented, but I smelled something else. With my eyes closed, I concentrated on what that might be.
Channeling Kyle’s lab, I gave myself a moment and declared it was lemon with a hint of orange. In order to prove myself right or wrong, I grabbed the polish off the table and read the ingredients on the back of the can. Some of them I couldn’t pronounce, but what I did see were the two ingredients I had guessed. Maybe Kyle was right and I did know a thing or two about fragrances.
I hadn’t heard from him. So many times I picked up my phone to be sure it hadn’t died, or I hadn’t missed a call or text. No such luck.
At that moment my phone pinged with a text message, causing my heart rate to spike… until I saw Cassie’s name on the screen.
Cassie: Welcome back! Don’t forget Dispatch at 8. You better be there! By the way, this morning’s yogi was a hot dude… in spandex.
She made sure I got her point with the eggplant emoji that she attached.
Me: That figures. Okay, I’ll see you tonight.
Dispat
ch was hopping. Couples and singles alike lined the bar and filled the tables. Dressed in a pair of dark skinny jeans, a red V-neck top, matching stilettos, and my favorite cropped leather jacket, I caught the attention of some male customers. Weaving my way through, I received a few winks and heard a couple of, “Hey babes,” until I found Cassie and Desiree sitting at a table toward the back of the bar.
“Hi.” I sat next to Cassie and across from Des. Instantly, they bombarded me with their welcome backs, and we need all the details flying from their lips. “Soon. I need a drink first. What’s everyone having?” I asked as we all sat back down.
Des raised her glass. “Pomegranate Martinis, and they are fantastic. They’re also on special tonight.”
“Sounds good to me.” I raised my hand in the air catching the attention of a passing waiter, pointed to Desiree’s glass, and with a nod he headed toward the bar. “So, what’s new?”
Cassie started detailing the yoga instructor. “You should have seen him, V. Honestly, I have no idea how he did the tree pose with the package he sported. A few of the women in the class nearly fell over. Including this one.” She tipped her glass toward Des before laughing.
Des’s mouth dropped open. “Don’t go acting like Miss Innocent. I wasn’t the one who asked for his teaching schedule.” She batted her eyes and doing her best Cassie impersonation said, “Excuse me.” Des flipped her hair over her shoulder causing both of us to laugh. “This class was the best I’ve been to. When will you be teaching again?” Des batted her lashes in an over-exaggerated manner.
I turned my head toward Cassie who just shrugged. “So, sue me. He was sexy as fuck. Even Mrs. Sun-sets-and-rises-on-Jude-Soren thought so.”
“This is true,” Des confirmed with a firm nod. “Okay, tell us. How was Cali?”
The waiter was back with my cocktail. “Good.”
Des’s eyes narrowed at my one word response. “Just good? Nope, not buying it. One minute you are both friends who had sex in a barn, the next you’re traveling with him? Spill.”
I looked at Cassie, who read my mind. “I didn’t tell her.”
My time was up on my secret affair. Once the counselor suspected something, she wouldn’t stop until we fessed up. With a resigned sigh, I said, “Fine. But, you need to promise me on Cassie’s life that you won’t tell a soul.”
“Hey! Why my life?”
I flapped my hand back and forth at her. “Kyle and I have an arrangement of sorts.”
“What kind of arrangement?”
“A sex buddies arrangement,” Cassie blurted out before draining her glass.
“So much for keeping it to yourself, Cass.” Unfazed, she shrugged.
Des looked between the two of us. “Wait, you mean to tell me that you have been sleeping with Kyle for weeks, and I’m just hearing about this now? Who else knows besides this one?” She pointed to Cassie. “Does Brae?”
“No! And please don’t tell her. She’s in love-land right now and will want the same for me and Kyle, and we don’t want that.” I don’t want that. He broke the rules.
Des innocently asked, “What do you want?”
“I don’t know. I thought I did, but now I don’t. We sort of had a disagreement yesterday.”
“A disagreement? About what? Positions?” Cassie let out another giggle. How many drinks has she had? My eyes cut to Desiree’s, and that “attorney” expression she mastered had her lips pursed and her brows drawn inward.
Just as I was about to tell her to spit it out, a deep baritone voice rang out. “Ciao, bella donna!” When we looked confused he clarified, “Hello, beautiful ladies!”
Luca gave us all a kiss on the cheek before sitting next to Des and setting his beer down in front of him. I guess he was joining us.
“I’m so glad you came!” Cassie leaned over and whispered, “I invited him. I hope you don’t mind.”
As nonchalantly as I could, I glanced around looking for his sidekick, but Kyle was nowhere in sight. A pang of disappointment hit me.
Des asked what I wondered. “Is Kyle here, too?”
“No, he isn’t. I called him, but he said the trip was exhausting and was staying in tonight. Which, if I know my friend, is code for he’s fucking someone.” He looked at me and shrugged. “To be honest, I figured he was with you, but I guess not.”
What was I supposed to say to that? Yeah, well it’s me he should be fucking. When I looked at Des, her jaw was slack and sympathy was etched in her eyes. Of course Luca was oblivious as to why we all remained silent.
Suddenly, the air felt stifling around me. Heat rose up my neck. My head began to spin, and I wasn’t sure if it was the alcohol or jealousy that consumed me. Before I could think it through, I blurted out, “I think I’m going to head home.” The two sets of eyes that belonged to my best friends focused on my face. And the way they stared, you’d think I sprung antlers from my forehead. “What?”
“It’s like nine.” Again, Des sported her interrogation face.
“I know. I’m beat and this drink went right to my head. Maybe I’m still jet-lagged.” Fine, I just blatantly lied to my friends, but if I sat there any longer I was sure to have a panic attack.
Luca had no idea of the conversation that occurred between the three of us without words. Through Desiree’s all-knowing look, and Cassie’s pitiful one, I knew come tomorrow I’d get a lecture.
As if reading my mind, Des said, “I’ll call you in the morning.” It wasn’t a question or a request.
“Yes, Mom.”
Quick good-byes led to me rushing out of Dispatch while digging in my bag for my cell. And as I walked away punching out a text, between the table and the front door aliens descended and abducted the body of Vanessa Monroe.
Kyle
After a sleepless night, I showered, changed, and hopped in my Tesla hoping that a long drive would clear my mind. But, it did just the opposite. Every time I drove past someone with long dark hair, I thought of her. Then I’d start to wonder what she was doing.
Did she regret her words?
Did she enjoy her space today?
Did she want more?
Vanessa didn’t need to be sitting in the passenger seat beside me, because she was there in every other way.
I added a few hundred miles to my odometer and felt no better when I finally dragged my ass home. It didn’t help that as soon as I walked in the door, Luca called to invite me to join him and the girls at Dispatch. When I declined, he asked me a plethora of questions as to why I wouldn’t go.
My curiosity piqued, and I wanted to go to see how she’d react to me being there. But, I tamped that down not wanting to see other men hit on her… thus, I declined the invite. Maybe I was wrong and no one flirted with her or bought her drinks. No, that was a lame thought. The woman was drop-dead gorgeous. Everywhere we went while on our trip, male eyes followed her. Men would have to be blind, dead, or gay not to hit on her. That was how it all started with us. I saw her, I flirted, she flirted back, and I was fucked—literally.
“Just come out for one drink. Then you can take your lame ass home.”
“Sorry, man. Maybe next week.”
“You’re starting to sound like Jude. Don’t force me to find another wingman, Cleary. You know I’ll do it.”
I let out a chuckle. “You know that no one would ever be able to take my place in that category.”
“Yeah, whatever. It’s fine. Stay home. More women for me.” I heard the sound of a horn. “I need to go, my car is here.”
Since Jude met Brae, Luca and I had been left to ourselves on the weekends. And now since the wedding, Vanessa and I had been spending significant time together, and Luca had been on his own. The man wasn’t dumb; he knew my time had been occupied with a woman or women. What he didn’t know was that it wasn’t women, plural. It was just one woman—Vanessa. He should have guessed as much. Nessa and I didn’t exactly hide our shenanigans at the wedding, but Luca wasn’t the type to pry. Unless I came right out and
said I was fucking Vanessa, it was conveniently ignored that I could possibly be fucking Vanessa. Admitting so didn’t feel right. It might have had to do with our arrangement; in any case, I kept it all to myself. He didn’t even know she was with me in California. And now, I wish I had told him everything so he could talk some sense into my dumb ass.
Between jet lag, lack of sleep, and the crap mottling my thoughts, I should have been exhausted. Sleep was the last thing on my mind. Last night while lying in bed, I desperately wanted her beside me. And it had little to do with sex. We spent several overnights together, and it was enough to cause an addiction. Like a drug, after only a few hits I was now hooked on Vanessa Monroe.
I sat on my couch, beer in hand and flicked through the channels trying to find something to watch. Maybe mindless television would do the trick. I chuckled when I came across some bizarre love connection type show remembering how Jude and Brae got together. But after about ten minutes it reminded me of Vanessa, and I continued to surf the channels.
It was official, every part of today sucked.
My day had been utter shit. To think just yesterday I woke up beside her, taking her one last time before our flight, and continuing the pattern in first class. Like a fool, I assumed our trip was a pivotal moment in our relationship. Like a fucking moron, I finally spoke my mind and said things I’d never said to a woman before. I stupidly had expectations of what our relationship would be like once we got back to New York.
What an idiot I was.
I clicked the off button on the remote and tossed it to the side. My mind kept replaying Vanessa’s words over and over again. Well, two specifically—space and suffocating. And after an entire day of obsessing over our conversation, the last thing I wanted, or wanted to give her, was space. The more I thought about it, the angrier I got.
Fuck.
My phone vibrated next to me. I was surprised to see Vanessa’s name on a text message, yet seeing it further annoyed me. It was a Saturday night, I was home brooding, and texting games was not something I was in the mood for. Regardless, with a slide to the right, I opened it.