Demi thrust the photographs into the hands of two burly security guards. Giving them orders, they turned and left just as quickly as they had arrived.
“Everybody out,” she directed, herding people out like a shepherd. Only when we were alone did she close the door and I could finally take off my mask.
“Who would do that?” I asked, so quietly I wasn’t sure if she would be able to hear. She hurried back to my side. “Who would hate me so much?”
“It’s probably just a joke, you know what people are like. Some have a weird sense of humor.”
“You saw them, they weren’t joking. Someone had to have a lot of rage to do that.” My voice cracked on the last few words. My legs decided they really couldn’t keep me up. I slid to the floor, my back leaning against the wall. I cradled my head in my hands, wishing I could forget about the photos. It was like someone had burned the images into my eyelids, I saw them every time I closed my eyes.
If it was just the photos, I might have been able to handle it better. But that, on top of everything else, felt like the last straw. I burst into tears, unable to contain them anymore.
I felt rather than saw Demi settle on the floor beside me. I wished there was nobody there to witness my meltdown. I could have done it alone. I might not have come out alive, but I could have done it.
“Brierly, talk to me,” she started. I didn’t want to say anything, I was worried if I started I might not stop. And there was a lot to hide from Demi and the rest of the world.
“There’s nothing to say,” I lied.
“Those photos don’t mean anything, we’re going to step up security so you are kept safe.”
My safety wasn’t my biggest concern. Although, I guess it really should have been pretty high on my priority list. It didn’t even occur to me before she said it.
“We won’t let anything happen to you. I promised your parents.”
“They don’t need to know about this, they shouldn’t be worried about it too,” I replied. I had been enough of a concern for my parents, they shouldn’t know I was receiving death threats too.
“I agree.”
We sat in silence for the longest time. I didn’t want to move from my spot and apparently Demi wasn’t going to unless I did first. Nobody dared to interrupt us, not even Ryan. He was probably stalking the corridors, holding my sound pack and pacing, growing more impatient by the minute.
He could wait, he would understand. Demi wouldn’t let him yell at me in my current state. And he did have a heart, he wasn’t as cold and bossy as everyone thought he was. His fourth wife could probably attest to that, maybe not his first three though.
Just, those photos, they were so horrible. I hated the thought of someone loathing me so much that they would do that. It took effort to get photos of me printed, then having to deface them. It wasn’t something you’d do on a whim because you’re bored.
And how did they get into my dressing room? It was the most restricted area in the entire venue. Someone had managed to get inside. I hoped the security guards would figure it out. I prayed it wasn’t an inside job. Hopefully no-one on my team had cause to do it.
“Brierly, do you need anything?” Demi asked.
“I don’t know.”
“Do you want some food? Some water?”
I shook my head, not sure what I wanted. I needed to get moving, to do my sound check and walk the stage. That was what I should be doing, but my body wouldn’t cooperate. It still refused to move.
“What’s wrong, Brierly? Do you want me to get Forest or something? Maybe he could help?”
I couldn’t keep the tears from sliding down my cheeks again. Forest was part of the problem, not the solution. It was time I came clean. “Forest and I are fighting, I don’t know if we’re still together or not.”
“Oh. Do you want to talk about it?”
“I took out something on him because I was angry at myself,” I confessed. “I completely overreacted and now he’s angry at me too.”
“Why were you angry at yourself?” Demi asked gently. She was treating me like a wild horse that could bolt at any time. It was probably warranted.
“Because I wanted to make myself throw up yesterday.” The words lingered in the air, unable to be taken back. My heart pounded with being so exposed, so vulnerable. I didn’t like to admit I was weak and that is exactly what I was doing.
Her arm snaked around my shoulder, pulling me closer to her. I let Demi move me as she tried to comfort me. “What stopped you doing it?”
I would have laughed if under other circumstances. “Forest. I was on my way to the bathroom and he wanted to talk to me. That’s when we fought some more.”
“If he wasn’t there, do you think you would have gone ahead with it?” That was the magic question, wasn’t it? I thought the answer was yes, I would like to think it was no. In honesty, I wasn’t sure. If I got into the stall, crouched down and got my finger ready, would I have gone through with it?
“I don’t know,” I sighed.
“You know, it’s normal to think about it.” I sat up a little so I could look at her, unsure what she meant. “The doctor I spoke to when you hired me explained that it was normal. Your brain is conditioned to think a certain way, it will take a long time before those thoughts go away completely.”
“I shouldn’t have thought about it,” I countered. “It was wrong and if Forest wasn’t there-”
“You might have turned around and gone in the opposite direction,” Demi finished my sentence. “There’s no way to know. Either way, you didn’t do it and that’s the main thing.”
I didn’t quite agree but I didn’t have to argue with her about it. She hadn’t lived the past year like I had, Demi had come into the story afterward.
“You know, I’m here to talk about these things with,” she continued. “Having those kinds of thoughts and urges will only become a problem if you hide them. That’s when you know you’re sliding backwards again.”
She kind of had a point. I didn’t want people to know I had almost relapsed because I was ashamed of it. However, hiding it only made me look guiltier. And she was hired to look after me, and that included dealing with all the baggage I came with. I had hired her because I felt comfortable with her, if I couldn’t talk to Demi, then I couldn’t talk to anyone. I needed to start remembering that.
“Thanks, Demi. I know I don’t always say it, but I really do appreciate everything you do. I’m not the easiest person to be around sometimes.”
“Don’t mention it, I like to be around you. You are interesting to say the least.” She gave me a reassuring smile, trying to make me feel better. It was starting to work a little. Perhaps I would be able to get up off the floor soon.
A knock on the door interrupted us. I would have jumped up before being caught crying on the floor but I wasn’t feeling that much better.
Demi looked to me before replying. “Come in.”
Forest poked his head around the door. “I just heard about the death threat. Brierly, are you okay?”
Demi pulled herself to her feet. “I’ll go check in with Ryan. Call me if you need me, Brier.” She excused herself, closing the door behind her.
Forest crouched down in front of me. “Are you okay?”
“I think so,” I replied, wiping away the last of my tears. I had to be stronger, buck up so I didn’t let it all get to me. My mask was slipping.
He took my hands from my knees and held them in his own, absentmindedly caressing them with his thumbs. He didn’t have to say anything for me to know what he was feeling. Our fight didn’t matter anymore, there were bigger issues at hand. He knew it just as I did.
He squeezed my hands and pulled them forward. I had no choice except to follow them, finding myself landing on his lap. I threw my arms around him, feeling his snake around my back. He held me there without saying a word as I let all the fear drain from my body.
Forest had been the one to stop me relapsing. He had been the one
to make me feel alive again after so long. With him there, I felt safe. Nobody could hurt me for as long as I was in his arms.
I finally let him go so I could look into his eyes, his beautiful dark brown eyes. “I’m sorry I’ve been a little crazy. I shouldn’t have overreacted like that.”
“It’s okay.” He gave me a little grin. “I shouldn’t have been walking around naked in your hotel room. And I definitely shouldn’t have missed the set. You had every right to be a little crazy.”
“Let’s not be crazy anymore.”
He planted his lips on mine, instantly make my heart race. I was giddy by the time he released me. “Deal.”
He helped me to stand and held my hand while I tested my legs. They seemed to be fully functioning again. He accompanied me to sound check, ignoring all the looks cast our way along the corridors.
Relief washed over Ryan’s emotional face as he saw me. Like I predicted, he was holding onto my mike box. He wasted no time in attaching it.
Forest let me go long enough to take his place on stage. We ran through the first song and adjusted the sound as needed. As far as preparations went, the stage was all set. All I needed to do was dress and get myself ready.
As I walked through the corridors, ultra aware of Forest following two steps behind, I passed the faces of those in my tour team. To think one of them might hate me enough to scare the hell out of me was horrible. I thought I treated everyone well, especially in our industry. I never yelled at anyone. Except Forest, and I highly doubted he would be the one making death threats against me.
I made it back to my dressing room where my hair and makeup team were waiting for me. I let them do their magic and sat passively watching them. Could one of them be the person who hated me and wanted me dead? I didn’t like to think so, considering we worked so closely together, but they were just as likely as anyone else.
The reality was I couldn’t be sure who it was so I was going to have to be careful about my interactions. I didn’t want to find myself alone with the person who had scratched my face out of those photographs. They might decide to try out the real thing.
Demi waited with me until it was call time. She led the circle before we went on stage. By that leg of the tour, everything was running smoothly without barely a wrinkle in the show. I could do the routine backwards, with my eyes closed if I had to.
Still, it never got boring. With each night came a new crowd and another few thousand people that were watching with new eyes. I had to entertain them like it was my first night and I tried to do my best.
When the house lights came up so I could see where I was going down the long platform in the center, I spotted my parents for the first time. Demi had said they were sticking around for the concert but it had slipped my mind in all the commotion. I waved at them and they returned it happily, clapping along to the band.
At least they got to see me in my element, in a place where I was strong and confident. When I was on stage, there was no eating disorder, no mental health issues. I owned that stage and everyone in the place, that is how I wanted them to see me.
Before the next song started, I indicated to my band to hold for a moment. Forest gave me a nod and stopped his strumming, the others followed suit.
“How’s everyone doing tonight?” I asked, receiving thousands of screams in response. I had to wait until they settled down again. “Well, I’m glad you’re all having fun. There are two super special people in the audience tonight that I want to acknowledge.”
The room got whisper quiet as they listened to me. It was a rush knowing I could say anything and they would take it on board. That kind of power was dangerous to the wrong people.
“My mom and dad are here tonight,” I continued. “I haven’t been the best daughter in the world but they have stuck with me through thick and thin.”
I had to blink back the unexpected tears that came from nowhere. Whenever I thought about my parents and what they had done for me, I developed a lump in my throat. I didn’t expect to cry in front of the entire audience though. I let the tears burn, trying to hold them back. Crying wasn’t conducive to singing, it got all messy and horrible.
“So thank you, Mom and Dad, you mean the world to me. This song is for you.” I finished quickly, a whole bunch of words I wanted to say were left unsaid. I’d have to tweet about it later instead.
I nodded toward the band and they started the song. It was one of my favorites, Song for us. I wrote it in the hospital when I was getting better. It was about celebrating the small things in life, not having to wait for the big moments to do it. I had put on five pounds that week, my parents brought me balloons to celebrate.
I couldn’t stop the tears completely during the song. I wiped them away as soon as they appeared but my gigantic face on the monitors around the place couldn’t hide them completely. Damn those unforgiving screens.
I earned a standing ovation at the end and I hurried back to the main stage so I could compose myself. I couldn’t break down in front of all those people, it would be mortally embarrassing just for a start.
Thankfully, the next song was a fast one so I could switch back to performance mode and forget all about my own emotions and feelings. I concentrated on entertaining my audience and ran with it.
I managed to keep up the pace for the rest of the concert. The moment I stepped backstage, I had one of the crew go rescue my parents before they were lost in the crowd. I waited in my dressing room for them, trying to push aside all the drama that had occurred there earlier in the night.
“Where’s my daughter? Let me through.” The voice of my mother brought a smile to my lips. Ryan was probably out there trying to stop her coming in so I could change out of my costume. If I didn’t change, it would hold up the crew being able to pack everything up for the night.
I made it to the door and peeked out. “It’s okay, let them through.” Ryan stood back reluctantly. Mom gave him her custom I told you so look on the way through.
In the next moment, I was enveloped in the familiar arms of my parents. Feeling like I was back to being twelve years old again, I let them hug me until they had enough.
“What did you think of the show?” I asked when they finally released me.
“Oh, honey, it was wonderful. Those girls are so loud though, I’m surprised you aren’t deaf by now,” Mom said. Trust her to worry about my hearing, not one other person in the world would care that much.
“I wear earphones, mostly all I can hear is myself and the band,” I explained, hoping to put her concerns at ease. “Thank you for coming tonight, it meant so much to me.”
“It meant a great deal to us too,” Dad said, his eyes a little watery too.
“I promise I won’t give you any more reasons to worry about me.”
“It’s our job,” Mom replied warmly. “If we didn’t worry about you, what else would we have to do?”
“I’m sure you could find something else to occupy your time,” I countered. “Like bingo or something.”
“Oh, old people play that.” She looked disgusted with the thought, which only made me laugh. Even though they were older than the average parents of a twenty-four year old, they would never consider themselves aging.
We said our final goodbyes and I asked Demi to walk them out safely. They were going straight to the airport, I didn’t know when I would see them again. The tour would eventually wind back to Los Angeles, but it seemed like a world away at that moment.
Chapter Twenty
I took one last look around the hotel room, making sure I had everything. I had a habit of leaving things in hotels, contributing more than one cell phone to the staff pool.
Arms snaked around my stomach from behind, pulling me back so I rested on Forest’s chest. At least one good thing had happened in Miami. Making up with Forest was way more fun than arguing with him.
“What are you looking for?” He asked, kissing the top of my head.
I shrugged. “Anything I might have
left behind.”
“You left about a dozen things in your dressing room last night.”
I turned around, careful to stay in his embrace. I laced my hands on the nape of his neck. “Did someone grab them?”
“Demi made sure she had everything.”
“Demi is a lifesaver.”
He leant down and kissed my forehead. It wasn’t enough, I stood on tiptoes so I could get some lip action. His tongue ran along my bottom lip, promising of so much more if we had the time.
“Demi will also kill me if I’m late,” I pointed out. I instantly let him go, every muscle in my body protesting against the idea. My brain won that round, the threat of a slow and painful death was enough to get me moving.
I swept the room one more time, double checking the bathroom especially, I lost count of how many hair straighteners I had to replace around the world. Hopefully someone enjoyed all my expensive GHD’s.
We made our way down to the tour bus and let each other’s hand go before climbing on board. I didn’t care who knew about us anymore, but I also didn’t want to flaunt what we had in front of anyone. The last thing I wanted was for people to think I was giving Forest preferential treatment on the tour. I may as well draw a target right on his chest.
I took a seat next to Demi in the front of the bus while everyone else gathered toward the back. I was vaguely aware of Forest getting involved in a discussion with Ace. Hopefully it wasn’t about me. I seriously needed to tone down the paranoia a notch or two.
“I see you and Forest have patched things up,” Demi started, fishing for information.
“Yeah, we had a good talk last night.” I didn’t add that it was followed by hours of rolling around naked together. One part was way more fun than the other. However, one was definitely more important. If we hadn’t spent an hour talking, the making up wouldn’t have happened.
What I most liked about the previous night was that Forest and I proved we had something that was capable of lasting. It wasn’t just some convenient fun while on tour. We talked, we healed, we shared, we compromised. That was four things Braydon and I had never done.
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