I forced myself to break the embrace and shuffled to the shower. If I didn’t make it to breakfast on time, Demi would only come looking for me. It was no use delaying the inevitable.
I left Forest still sound asleep and wrapped in the sheets, his hair mussed up and his eyes fluttering as he dreamed.
For the entire duration of breakfast I tried to hide my unexpected happiness from Demi. Any time I talked about something I loved, it got ruined with the more people that knew about it. I was determined to keep Forest wrapped up in my heart, nobody’s business except my own. That way, I could keep him there, he wouldn’t fall through my fingers and be lost forever.
My driver took Demi and I to my interview at the local radio station. We listened to the radio jocks on the way, trying to get a feel for their personalities. They kept promising of something big coming up. It was kind of cool to know I was that something big.
We made it to the station and were quickly separated as I was whisked into the booth. I barely had a chance to get my headphones on before the two hosts had introduced me. Stu and Tasha were apparently the dynamic duo of New Orleans.
“So, Brierly Wilcox,” Tasha started. She had blonde bouncy curls cut short in a bob. I had hair envy. “Welcome to New Orleans. How has the city been treating you so far?”
At least I didn’t have to fake my enthusiasm so early in the morning. “I love this city, seriously. If I could live here, I would. The people, the weather, it’s all too much to take in. I love it.”
“And New Orleans loves you,” Stu said. “Now, you are playing at the Superdome tonight to a sold out audience. That’s got to be scary.”
“Terrifying,” I agreed. I was started to warm to the pair. “But I have the best fans in the world and I know we’re all going to have a really great night tonight. I can’t wait, actually.”
“You’ve played at the Superdome before during the Superbowl a few years ago. Does that help you in your preparation, knowing you’ve done it before?”
I nodded, then remembered we were on the radio and not on television. “Yes. I think it helps to know that I survived once before so I can do it again. The show is going to be awesome and completely different from the halftime show from my last appearance. I can’t wait to meet all my New Orleans fans.”
Tasha gave me a warm smile. “I’m sure it will be something to remember.”
“Now, Brierly, we have been promising our fans something huge all morning,” Stu began. I expected him to want to play a game or ask me to sing, they normally did on breakfast radio. “And I think it’s time we delivered. Tasha, what have we got?”
She didn’t look at me, instead exchanging an unreadable glance with her co-host. My stomach filled with sudden dread. “Thanks Stu. Now, Brierly, just between us girls, you’ve been dating a member of your band. His name is Forest Knight, correct?”
“Yeah, Forest is a talented musician in his own right. I’m so lucky to have him on the tour.”
“You know he’s married, right?” Her eyes shot around to meet mine, narrowing. The shark had me right in her sights and I was just dangling bait.
Chapter Twenty-Three
My mind reeled, married? That was something Forest would have told me, right? He wouldn’t hide something like that. It wasn’t like he wore a wedding ring or reminisced about his damn honeymoon or anything.
The worse thing was I didn’t know what I was supposed to say. I could laugh it off and pretend I knew or I could die a slow and horrible death while they gloated about telling me the truth.
But that assumed they were right. What did they know anyway? They didn’t know Forest, they were damn radio personalities. It wasn’t like they were the damn FBI or anything.
My brain was letting me down as Stu and Tasha stared at me expectantly. The radio waves went dead as I just sat there. I needed to say something. I had to say something. Just say something, Brierly, seriously.
I giggled a stupid nervous laugh. “Forest is a great guy.” What the hell was that? It wasn’t an answer, it probably just confirmed their suspicions that I was another poptart idiot.
Demi’s face loomed in the window, frantically waving to get my attention. The moment my eyes fell on her, she drew her finger across her throat. I knew that signal, it meant to get the hell out of there, the interview was over.
I plastered on a smile, annoyed at myself for letting my mask fall away so easily. “Thank you so much for having me Stu and Tasha. I’ll see everyone in the Superdome tonight.”
I took off my headphones and carefully returned them to the table, making each movement slow and deliberate. The last thing I wanted to do was to fall over my own feet as I left. It would only add to my humiliation.
The moment I stepped out the doors, Demi grabbed my arm. She relentlessly pulled me through the corridors, refusing to speak to anyone and ordering me to do the same.
We had to walk a torturous block to get to the car. Our driver wasn’t expecting us to return so soon. Funny, neither did I. Demi threw me into the car and slammed the door, ordering the driver to floor it to the Superdome.
The moment we started moving, I turned to Demi. “Tell me what they said wasn’t true.”
She clenched her jaw, which I knew wasn’t a good sign. “I’m so sorry, Brierly.”
Tears stung at my eyes but I refused to let them fall. I wasn’t going to cry over a guy that was married and had been lying to me about it for ten weeks. I wasn’t going to give the sick, twisted universe the satisfaction.
“How do you know? They could have been wrong, they might have been talking about someone else with the same name,” I whined. I hated listening to my own excuses even when they were escaping from my own mouth.
“They had a marriage certificate-”
“You knew what they were doing?” I interrupted, feeling the absolute sting of her betrayal.
Demi shook her head fervently, her eyes wide open. “No! I had no idea, not until they said it on air. Next I knew, the show’s producer was waving the evidence under my nose so I couldn’t accuse them of making it up.”
“It might not be him.”
“His date of birth matched his employment records, I checked them on my phone. I’m so sorry, sweetie.” She gently placed her hand over mine. It wasn’t comforting, nothing was comforting. I wanted to punch something, kill something, and Forest seemed like the best candidate.
I didn’t want to talk anymore, I still didn’t want to believe it was true. I knew Forest was too good to be real, I told myself so many times that it wasn’t going to last. I knew better, my past experiences told me I never got a happy ending. I should have listened to my gut and avoided the entire thing.
But Forest had made it feel so real. He gave me hope, made me dare to imagine a future together. I believed him when he said he loved me, he made it sound so real. I couldn’t believe I was so stupid to trust him. I had served up my heart on a platter and he had shattered it into a million tiny pieces.
I felt hollow. Anger burned in my stomach but it was equally directed at myself as much as Forest. I let him do that to me, I let him get close enough to hurt me, I shouldn’t have done that.
“Brierly, I’m sorry,” Demi continued at my side. I couldn’t find the words to reassure her I was okay, because I wasn’t. Not only did I have to deal with my shame of falling for Forest’s lies, but the entire world knew about it too. They could all judge me from the safety of their living rooms, flick through the magazines and click their tongues at my silly nonsense. It was humiliating to say the least.
We arrived at the venue, the New Orleans Mercedes-Benz Superdome. It was the last place I wanted to be but I didn’t have much of a choice. I had to test the stage, get a feel for the change in setup and make sure my sound levels would be okay.
I followed Demi down the corridors like a lost lamb. My brain was starting to shut down, incapable of processing anything new. The moment I started thinking, all I could think of was the interview and hearing the wo
rd married.
You know he’s married, right?
Of course I didn’t know, I wouldn’t have given him my heart and soul if I did.
We wound our way through, ignoring all the looks from anyone that dared cast their gaze my way. I would fire anyone who did, it wouldn’t take much to throw me over the edge into craziness. I was probably already on that slippery slope.
I stopped dead in my tracks as Forest stepped out in front of me. If my brain was functioning properly, it would have expected him to be there. He had rehearsals too, he had to test out the changed setup in the large venue just as much as I did. I didn’t go out on stage every night by myself.
Demi tried to tug at my arm so I would follow her but I couldn’t take my eyes off Forest. I had no idea what to say to him, I didn’t even know how to act. And it wasn’t like he was doing anything to make it better. He may as well have been a statue, as still as he was.
But then the anger truly kicked in. My hands both went up to push his chest away. I wanted to hurt him, physical pain for emotional strain. I wanted him to burn just as much as I did.
“How dare you lie to me,” I yelled at him through gritted teeth. That was the mild version, if he continued to not react, I was going to take it up a whole lot of notches. “You are a scumbag.”
“Brierly, I’m sorry,” he said calmly, soothingly. How dare he try to placate me when I wanted to rip off his head.
“You’re sorry? Are you kidding me? Wrong answer, Forest. You were supposed to say it wasn’t true.”
I pushed him against the wall, he couldn’t back up any further now. He held his arms by his side, not even trying to fight me off.
“I’m sorry,” he repeated. “It’s not what you think-”
“What I think is that you are a bastard for doing that to me. Tell me, was any of it real? Anything? Did you feel one thing when you were with me? Or were you just thinking about your wife the whole time?”
“Brierly, it’s not-”
“Shut up. I don’t believe anything you say, anything you’ve said. I can’t…” I trailed off as I refused to turn into a blubbering mess. I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of doing that to me. I’m sure it was fun playing with the spoiled starlet, he probably got bonus points if he made me cry.
I turned around and ran down the hallway, holding the sobs in by sheer determination. Footsteps started pounding behind me but I was determined to be faster than whoever it was.
I took the first exit I came across and stepped out into the parking lot. I kept going, hailing a cab to take me back to the hotel. For the entire journey, I held it together.
It was a relief when we finally arrived. I took the stairs instead of the elevator. I locked the door to my hotel room and grabbed everything I could from the mini-bar. I sat on the floor in the middle of the room, starting with the miniature bottles of bourbon before moving onto the whiskey.
There wasn’t enough alcohol in the room to take away my pain. I called down for room service, ordering enough vodka to take down a horse. I paced until it arrived, tipping the bellhop generously. I locked the door again and resumed my seat on the floor.
I didn’t bother with a glass, choosing to drink directly from the bottle instead. The liquid burned down my throat but it couldn’t reach my bloodstream quick enough. I wanted to drown out the pain and forget everything. Consequences were not high on my priority list.
In the solace of my room, I finally let the tears go. They flooded down my cheeks, making my world blurry around me. Or perhaps it was the vodka. The room started to swirl and disappear around me as I let the racking sobs take me over.
“Brierly, are you in there?” Demi’s voice. Of course she would be the first one to find me. She probably took all of two seconds to work it out. What I should have done was find another hotel completely to hide out in. That would have been smarter.
I looked around, there was no balcony or alternate way out of the room. I couldn’t sneak out so I guessed I was staying put.
“Brierly, come on, let me in.” That was never going to happen. “I just want to make sure you’re okay.”
“Go away,” I slurred. To my ears I sounded drunk, hopefully her hearing wasn’t as keen. The vodka was making everything a little slow, including my mind.
“Honey, I’m sorry you’re hurting but I need to know you’re okay. Why don’t you let me in? I promise I won’t do anything you don’t want me to.”
“Go away.”
She tried the doorknob. Did she seriously think I wouldn’t notice the handle move or the way it rattled? Maybe she was drunk too.
“Go away, Demi. I’m not letting you in. I don’t want to see anyone.” I took another long swig from the bottle. I was almost halfway through. Maybe I should have ordered two.
The bars of chocolate from the mini-bar caught my eye. They would taste better than the alcohol. I started ripping the packets open, taking bites that were too big for my mouth. Perhaps the sugar could heal the pain, dull the ache in the middle of my chest where my heart used to be.
“Brierly, what are you doing?”
“Go away.” I threw one of the empty little bottles at the door. It didn’t break, just made a loud snapping sound. It probably made Demi jump back from the door on the other side. Her heart was probably racing from the fright. She was lucky, she still had a whole one.
“Brierly, let me in,” she demanded more harshly. “You pay me to look after you so let me do my damn job.”
“Go. Away.” I wondered how much her price would be to leave me alone. I would gladly have paid it.
Everything went quiet. My own rasping breaths were the only sounds in the room. I was almost curious enough to get up but I couldn’t find the reason to care.
I took another gulp of vodka, allowing myself to enjoy the burning sensation as it slid down my throat. That was the only thing I wanted to feel, everything else needed to go away and be numb.
“Brierly? It’s me,” Forest said through the door carefully. I rolled my eyes, if this was Demi’s big idea to get me to open the damn door, she was a bigger fool than I was. And that was saying something.
“Go away.” They were the only two words I could seem to form. If they wanted a bigger vocabulary, they would have to come back later. Much later.
“Brierly, I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you, I should have told you sooner. I didn’t want you to find out that way.”
Yeah, I bet he didn’t want me to find out at all. I was just a bit on the side while on the road. At the end of the tour he would return to his wife and pretend nothing ever happened, that I never existed. I was the mistress, not the soul mate.
I pushed myself onto my feet, grabbing the edge of the sofa to steady myself as the room swum around me. Everything seemed a little wonky and fuzzy, they should get someone in to fix that. Hotels had janitors, right?
I staggered over to the phone and called for security. I told them someone was trying to get into my room and I only wanted to be left alone. They promised they would send someone up immediately. Finally, someone that was doing something I wanted them to.
I fell onto the lounge suite, the bottle of vodka still firmly gripped in my hand. I don’t know how long I sat there but I heard a commotion outside with raised voices so I guessed security came and escorted my annoyances away.
Alone again, it didn’t make me feel any better. My brain was continuing to think about Forest and everything I had lost.
You know he’s married, right?
Why did it have to be like that? Why couldn’t I have a happy ending like all the princesses did in fairy tales? Was I such a terrible person to not deserve that? What had I done so wrong?
Despite my best judgment, I loved Forest. I loved him with all my broken heart and it was taken away from me so quickly. Perhaps if it was a gradual thing, the pain wouldn’t be cutting me like a knife. But when I woke up in Forest’s beautiful arms that morning, I thought everything was perfect. Little did I
know it was just an illusion.
I had lost control. Pure and simple. I handed over my happiness to someone else who was completely and utterly careless with it. I used to be so good at maintaining control, I used to be in charge of myself.
I still could be. The thought struck me like lightning, it wouldn’t be hard to get back that control. All I had to do was abide by my own set of rules. I set the rules, I followed them. Nice and simple.
All I had to do was go into the bathroom, put my fingers down my throat, and be reminded who was in control. If I was strict, if I followed the rules, nobody could take over again. Nobody would even have to know. I could keep it a secret this time, a real secret where hospitals and family didn’t get involved in my business. I would do it differently this time, do a better job of convincing everyone I was fine because I would be. I would be in control.
I let the vodka bottle slip from my hand and rest on the coffee table. There was still about a third left, I could use that to wash away the taste of vomit later on. The taste of my success, my redemption, my path back home.
The bathtub reminded me of Forest and all the times we had shared a tub together. All those hours lost while he pretended to love me. While he lied to my face. I turned away so I didn’t have to look at it.
I pulled the lid of the toilet up and sat on the floor. I was really going to do it. I wouldn’t be moaning to everyone about a relapse this time, I was taking control. I wasn’t going to let him win.
Chapter Twenty-Four
The familiar feeling washed over me again, feelings I hadn’t felt for almost a year. It was a special kind of buzz knowing you were taking charge again. It was powerful, intoxicating, and unlike anything else I did.
I stood on my knees, bringing my fingers up to rest on my lips. It would be all over in a minute, I would get my life back. I wouldn’t need stupid Forest or Demi, I would be back on track and only relying on myself again.
My phone suddenly beeped. It wasn’t a call or a message like the hundreds I had already been flooded with over the course of the day. It was a reminder. I couldn’t remember what I was supposed to remember.
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