He took a step forward. “You’re not a third wheel.”
There came a point when she couldn’t take his ignorance any longer, not if they were planning a future together. “Stryker, maybe it’s time we discussed the truth? Are you ready to hear it?”
He pushed his hands into his front pockets and shifted his boots. “You bet I am.”
“Do you not see that Tessa is crazy about you? I mean, it’s not like she’s hiding her feelings.”
“No, I think you’re wrong.”
“Then you just don’t want to see the facts. I’m not accusing you of anything, but you see her more than you do me.” She was heading down a path of no return but she couldn’t stop.
“Is that my fault? You come and go. I never know when you’ll show up. The wedding is in two weeks and you and I haven’t even finalized the details. I didn’t know I was going to have to rope you just to keep you here long enough to figure things out.”
“That’s not fair!” She pushed her fingers through her hair. “I have a job. I drive here as often as I can. I thought you and I would share some of the traveling time.”
“And have you forgotten that I also have a ranch to run? A child to raise? Not to mention that she has special needs right now.”
She rubbed her fingers across her tired eyes. “I understand, that’s why I haven’t said much, but I’m doing my best. But when I come here and see you and Tessa cuddling up on the couch, I guess it bothered me.”
“There’s no reason for you to worry about her.”
Pacing the floor, she stopped in front of him and crossed her arms. “That’s easy for you to say when you are the one sitting on the better side of the fence.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” His gaze widened.
“Isn’t it obvious just how magnificent you have things right now?” She took a step back and inhaled deeply, hoping her nerves would mend. “Let’s just forget this. I’m tired.” She threw her hands up in the air.
He stepped closer, his booted feet scraping against the hardwood. “No, we won’t forget it. This sounds like something that needs settled before it explodes.”
“We can talk tomorrow.” She started for the safety of the bed. He grabbed her elbow and she looked back at him and the reservoir broke. “Okay, you want this worked out tonight, then fine! I’m saying that you have it nice and cozy. You have two women who are here, helping you out. When I’m at Mason, I satisfy you in bed. I’m gone and Tessa, the woman who looks at you as if she wants to lap you up, is the perfect ear to listen and the kind caretaker for Lilly. That’s pretty snug if you ask me, but that’s right, you didn’t!”
“Tessa and I are friends. If she has feelings for me I haven’t done anything to encourage them.”
She wanted to scream. “You haven’t? Popping a pizza, frozen or not, into the oven on a late evening doesn’t have an underlying meaning attached? A glass of wine and beer by the fire isn’t romantic? If I hadn’t walked in, I wonder what other innocent signals you would have sent her or what subtle hints she would have sent you.”
“You’re being ridiculous—”
“Am I really or am I only being truthful?” She rolled her fingers over her temples.
“It’s possible I’m coming unglued a bit, but I’m not hallucinating or delusional. I’m not begrudging the wonderful friendship you, or Lilly, have with Tessa. I wouldn’t want that to end, but in all actuality, I can’t get if you’re in a relationship with me or her. Most evenings, it’s Tessa who lends a comforting shoulder and tucks Lilly into bed.”
“You make it seem like I’m using you, and Tessa, for that matter.” His gaze darkened. “If that’s what you think of me then you certainly can’t care for me.” His gruff voice bounced off the walls.
“I do care for you.” She loved him, but how did they overcome the evils of the past because they haunted her and she knew they must haunt him.
“What else is going on here? If the tables were turned, what would your thoughts be in this same circumstance?”
“I’d have to trust you, and I do,” he said.
“This isn’t about trust. I’m not being outrageous here. And this isn’t about Tessa, not really. It’s about us, the way we dance around the past and our fears…our regrets
His steely gaze caught her. “I think you’re just jealous.”
His words ripped through her. It took her a good ten seconds to gain control of her voice as her palm ached to slap his face. “What you just said is ludicrous and manipulative. Of course you refuse to see this the way I do because if you believed for one second that there’s some truth in my words then you’d have to fix it. But why would you fix anything when it’s working so well for you.”
“I’m a faithful man. Are you accusing me of cheating? You must know better.”
“Infidelity isn’t just the act of sex, Stryker. It seems that you and Tessa have an emotional connection that seems a little like betrayal. Oh hell, who am I kidding? It is betrayal. I wish I could say that I despise the woman because it would make it a lot easier to be pissed. Instead, I’m standing here feeling guilty. Why should I feel guilty? ”
“I’ll put a stop to this “emotional connection” with her.” A dark cloud crawled over them and Leslie expected the lightening to strike the ceiling any moment. “Would that help?”
“You’re missing the point. Can you honestly say that you’ve forgiven me for leaving?” The words were like acid as they rolled off her tongue.
He hesitated. Several expressions flitted across his tired features until a blank one surfaced. “I don’t think so, but that doesn’t change the fact that I—”
“I understand and it’s not a surprise. If you were completely dedicated to this, we wouldn’t be having this conversation. I wouldn’t be bombarded with doubt and guilt.”
“I’m not sure why you feel guilty,” he said.
“Because I’ve never been enough for you and Tessa fits all that you would ever need.”
“It turns out you don’t know me at all.” He shoved his hands into his pockets. “You’re just tired—”
“That’s what I’ve been saying, but you wanted to hear this so don’t back pedal now. I’m just curious why you didn’t ask Tessa to marry you. She would have jumped at the chance.” The path was dangerous but she couldn’t turn back.
“We’ve been through this.”
“We’ve touched the subject, but wouldn’t she make the perfect wife and mother for Lilly? After all, that’s why you and I are getting married.”
“I don’t want to listen to this bullshit! You don’t know what you’re saying.” He turned and marched to the door, grabbed the knob, but didn’t move.
“Bullshit? Why stop at one woman when you can have two? Hell, who would blame you? Tessa’s a beautiful woman who looks at you in awe. And you and I, we heat the sheets up, no doubt.”
If a match would have been lit, the room would have detonated.
“Are you sleeping here? The guest bedroom?” His words scraped across her sensitive emotions.
“That’s best. I’m too tired to fulfill my wifely duties tonight.”
“We’ll talk tomorrow.” He pulled open the door and stomped out.
Leslie dropped to the edge of the bed and buried her face into her palms. How had things become such a mess? How could she still drown in her own insecurities and doubts?
Jealousy didn’t spark her fear. Something else ran far deeper and she couldn’t seem to wipe it away. She had a rare form of love for Stryker, one that lived beyond the separation and dodged time’s harsh hands, but why couldn’t she tell him this? Lilly meant the world to her and the love only grew. The emotion had embedded inside of her.
Stryker and Lilly made her want to be a better person, to make them happy—not lessening her as an individual, but lifting her, giving her courage.
Did he feel the same? Leslie wasn’t sure. A man left with the care of a young child, his obligation could easily trump his emot
ions. Would he regret marrying her later? Where would that leave her, and Lilly?
Stryker wouldn’t cheat, not physically, and she knew his intentions with Tessa were clean, but what if he wasn’t in the best spot to realize his feelings?
Tessa was everything that Leslie wasn’t.
Leslie had failed Stryker in many ways in her selfish youthfulness.
Of course, she had no clue if she could be a good mom to Lilly. This was all new. Didn’t all parents have misgivings? She loved her enough to build on her capabilities.
Her wall had come down, leaving her vulnerable. That wasn’t a position she liked. She was scared of losing Stryker, not to another woman, not even to Tessa with her perfection. But to reasons she had no control over.
A two-visit stint with a therapist helped her realize that she had abandonment issues. What had she done to make her father leave? She was a child and he’d disappeared. What had made her mother withdraw? She’d been there in physical form, but emotionally she’d distanced herself from Leslie.
The truth blared like a neon sign. Why wait for someone to walk away when she can leave without facing the pain of rejection?
She carried a lot of baggage and it was time to take the trash out.
Stryker and Lilly deserved more than she could give now. Loving someone didn’t mean clinging to them. Sometimes it meant letting them go to see their feelings for what they were.
Tears slipped from her closed eyes and she swiped them away with the back of her hand. Climbing back onto the bed, she pulled the covers over her body and head, whimpering into the mask of the pillow. She didn’t try to hold back the sobs but allowed the emotions to flow until she finally fell asleep.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
STRYKER FOUND THE guest bedroom empty. Leslie was gone and so were her things.
His heart fell into his stomach as his mouth went dry. He knew what happened…for the second time.
He tore off his hat and slapped it against his thigh as he made another sweep of the room, hopeful that he’d only overlooked the obvious.
Then he saw it. Something sticking out from underneath the pillow.
Stomping across the floor, his boots scuffed the wood with each step, and he grabbed up the paper.
He sat down on the edge of the bed, holding the note, his fingers trembling as he debated what he should do. He’d have to read it, but he wasn’t quite ready.
Hearing soft footsteps, he looked up as Lilly entered the room. Her blonde hair was matted to her head and her Barbie PJ’s were twisted on her tiny body. She swiped the sleep from her eyes then stared at him in curiosity. “Are you okay?” he asked.
Hesitating, she finally nodded.
“I wish you would talk, Lilly. I wish I knew what you’re thinking.” The words fell from his lips, pleading.
She only stared.
Damn, could he make anyone he cared about happy? The paper crushed in his palm. He got up and moved toward her, grabbing her up into his arms. She was so little, so vulnerable and all he wanted to do was protect her—just like he’d wanted for Leslie.
“I love you, sweetheart. You and I are together in this and I’ll never hurt you. You don’t have to talk until you have something you want to say. Understand that your mom loved you so very much and she is in heaven now, staring down at you and keeping watch. You’re never alone.”
Tears developed in his eyes and he blinked them away. He set her back down, staring into the most innocent eyes. She reached up and laid her small hand against his cheek. One corner of her mouth lifted into the sweetest smile that oozed right into the core of his heart.
“Why don’t you get dressed and I’ll take you to breakfast,” he said.
When she was gone, he looked down at the crumbled note. Going to the nightstand, he laid it down and smoothed out the wrinkles. Once he was satisfied, he began to read…
“I’m sorry. I learned a lot about myself last night. You and Lilly need more than I can give as a wife and mother right now. I don’t want to trap you in a relationship inspired by obligation. Do you know your heart, Stryker? Is it possible to forgive me? I do love you, and Lilly, with all my heart but allowing you to find the truth is my only gift. Please let Lilly know that I will see her again, soon, but for now time is needed. With love, Leslie.”
Crushing the paper in his fist, he threw it across the room. It struck the wall and bounced onto the floor. He gave it a good kick with the toe of his boot as he stomped out of the room.
A week later, Stryker was still pissed.
“Damn, woman!” He leaned against the wooden fence, propping his leg up on the bottom rail. He watched the horses in the field but he couldn’t see anything past the blur of anger.
How could she do this to him? Again. He wasn’t the biggest fool this side of Texas! He should have guessed she’d run.
He looked up at the bottom of the clouds wishing the sky would burst into a thunderstorm, which more resembled his mood than the bright sunshine and the birds singing merrily. The heat swished across his face taking the last sliver of breath from his tight lungs. He rubbed his tired eyes and wished he could sleep.
He shouldn’t give a damn that Leslie had walked. Hell, he didn’t need her. Better now than after they married. He scraped his boot across the wood and it splintered. Several of the horses lifted their head. “Go back to your business,” he huffed.
Truth was, Leslie had been right about a few things. He hadn’t put her as his number one priority when he should have. He even guessed he hadn’t been fair when it came to Tessa. It wasn’t her responsibility to help so much with Lilly.
He’d called a local agency specializing in hiring nannies and caregivers for working parents. Tessa had given him the number when he’d told her that Leslie had left. She’d agreed that it was time he step up and make some changes. The agency sent someone the same day and he’d hired the bubbly, fifty-something woman. Her name was Christine. She was a grandmother of five and seemed good with Lilly.
His heart felt like it had broken into a million pieces and every raw emotion filtered through his body. He knew why. It was simple. He loved Leslie. The strongest emotion in the world had never left him.
Stepping away from the rail, he felt useless. His mind ached and his heart bled.
How could Leslie think that she wasn’t the one for him or Lilly? As far as he was concerned, she was the only one for them. No other woman had ever made his heart scream and his blood churn. Lilly had gotten close to her. How could she leave her?
There were things in life that were left to mystery and this was certainly one.
He’d never understand what made Leslie tick…or leave.
Hearing the sound of crunching grass, he looked up and saw Tessa coming his way. “You here to get Lilly?” He didn’t think it was a therapy day, but then again, he’d lost track.
“Nope. I’ve come to check out the moody and depressed.” She chuckled.
“Thanks.” He couldn’t disagree.
“Why are you still hanging out around here, brooding and scaring your poor staff? There is a solution, you know?” Tessa laid her hand on the top rail of the fence.
He dropped his gaze to her muddy shoes. “You should realize no one wears heels on a ranch.” He shook his head.
“It’s a good workout. Is that your way of changing the subject?” One brow curved.
He looked at her. For the first time, he saw his feelings for her and they were only that of a friend. He guessed she was a beautiful woman. One time he’d found her attractive, but there was something about her that just didn’t spark him…not like Leslie. “I know you want me to tell you that I’ll chase after her.”
“Is that so wrong?”
“It is when she left,” he growled.
“Sometimes people leave to see who follows.”
“I’d say that’s why there are a lot of break ups.” He scrubbed his jaw.
“Leslie is a woman like all of us. She wants to be sure that a man loves
her for what’s inside and not for what she can do for him.” Tessa held his gaze.
“It seems I’m real good at screwing up the facts. I’ve wanted Leslie as far back as I can remember. There hasn’t been a day that has passed that I haven’t thought of her, loved her, and wanted to touch her. I’m sure I’ll feel the same from here to eternity. Unfortunately, I have a responsibility now and I plan to follow through. I can’t have someone coming and going, for my sake and for Lilly’s. I wanted Leslie here, with me, each day, because waking up and seeing her was like holding the sun’s rays in my hands.”
“Did you tell Leslie these exact words?” Tessa asked.
Did he see moisture in her eyes? He swallowed the tightness in his throat, along with his pride. “No, I didn’t. I was stupid.”
“Stupid or scared? You hadn’t exactly forgiven her for leaving the first time, right? And isn’t that the reason why you’re not running after her now? The restraints of the past are holding you from your bright future.” She dropped her hand. “By the way, how’s the new caretaker working?”
“Good. I’m glad I hired her. She made dinner yesterday and I told her she didn’t have to, but she said she liked doing those things.”
Tessa patted him on the shoulder. “I’ve got to get going. I have an appointment later. Think about what I said. I feel a little guilty myself. I probably gave Leslie enough reason to think you and I were closer than we were.”
He turned and looked at her profile. “What do you mean?”
She looked into the distance. “I made it clear how I felt for you, and maybe a bit of me hoped Leslie would leave at first. Once I got to know her, and I saw the way you two looked at each other, it was obvious the love is there. I want that one day. I want a man to look at me like I’m his special song that he wants to play for the rest of his life.”
“You’ll find that, Tessa, but it’s not your fault Leslie left. She made that choice.”
“Did she leave for good or just enough time to allow the truth of feelings to become clearer?”
He shrugged. “Or just because she is still selfish?”
Second Round Cowboy (Second Chance Series) Page 15