by Beth Maria
I walk past her and stop in the hallway. “Did you get it?” I ask, getting jittery, wanting to get this over and done with. The drugs are so close, but yet so far away from me right now.
“Yeah, I did. You wanted a lot more than usual though?” There’s a silent question on the end of her sentence, though I’m not willing to answer it. I don’t know her well enough. Plus, we aren’t here to make conversation and become friendly. We’re here to do what we need to do and then go home. I’m not about to start spilling my life story to her now.
I just shrug my shoulders. Emerson doesn’t ask any more questions, just hands me over my stash. I hand her the cash, ask to use the bathroom, and then head on up. I lock the door so that nobody can get in, and then get everything set up. I would have done it in the living room, but I know people will want to share, and I really don’t want to today. I need it all.
When everything is set up, I just stare at it for a few minutes, the guilt creeping back in. I know that this amount could possibly kill me, but for some reason, I just don’t care. I want it to kill me, to give me peace from the guilt that consumes me every day. I know I have my mother, Jake, and Maisie, but they will get on without me eventually. I’m just a chapter of their life, not their whole life. My whole life was taken away from me a year ago today before I even got the chance to love and protect it.
I push my thoughts away and get down to business. I don’t need anything changing my mind right now.
It’s not long before I’m feeling numb, leaning against the bathtub. I push myself to finish the rest of the cocaine off. I’m so close. I can feel my body fighting it and losing.
The last thoughts I have before my body gives out, my vision going blurry, is of my unborn child, the child that I was meant to have in my arms right now that isn’t, all because of the abortion that I had a year ago today…
Jake
“You and Chloe seem to be good,” Jesse says from the other sofa, giving me a knowing smile.
“Yeah, man, we’re really fucking good. I never knew it could feel this way, wanting to spend your entire day with one person and missing them like crazy the minute your apart from them. I just wish she was ready to properly give me a chance,” I say, baring my soul to him.
“Man, you sound like a fucking pussy!” Brandon pipes up, mocking me and laughing.
My head snaps in his direction. “Fuck you, dude! You wait until someone steals your heart. It will happen one day, and I hope I’m there to tell you I told you so, because I guarantee that you will act exactly the same way,”
Brandon just laughs at me. “No fucking way. Girls are trouble. I’m staying well away from them.”
“You say that now, but you just wait. A girl who turns your life upside down at the click of her fingers will walk into your life, and you won’t be saying that then.” I’m telling him from experience.
This just makes him laugh harder. I really cannot wait for the day it happens to him. I was like him a few months ago, but I have no idea why. Being in love is the best feeling in the world.
“Brandon, don’t,” Jesse says, giving him a warning look.
Brandon looks right back at him. They look like they’re sharing some sort of secret. Brandon automatically stops laughing, swallows, and then looks down at the floor. Whatever Jesse silently communicated with him made him listen. I really want to know what that was about. I’ll have to ask Jesse when Brandon’s not around because I’m one hundred percent certain that wasn’t about him laughing at me for being in love…
My cell ringing breaks the awkward atmosphere. I look down at the screen, seeing that Chloe is calling. My heart automatically skips a beat.
“Hey, Princess, what’s up?” I answer.
“Hey, is this Jake?” A girl asks who obviously isn’t Chloe. The voice is all wrong for starters.
My guard instantly goes up, scared as to why someone else has Chloe’s cell phone. “Yes. Who the hell is this?” I ask, my voice cold.
“It doesn’t matter who I am, but you need to get here now. Chloe locked herself in the bathroom over an hour ago. She won’t answer me when I call her name. You were the last person on her call list, so I thought you could help,” she says sounding annoyed.
Panic spreads through my body at hearing this. Who is this girl, and how does she know my Chloe? And secondly, why has Chloe locked herself in a bathroom?
“I’ll be there as soon as I can.” Mystery girl gives me her address and then hangs up.
I jump off the sofa, putting my cell in my pocket before grabbing my car keys.
“Woaaaah, wait a minute, buddy. What was that about?” Jesse asks, standing up, concern written all over his face.
“I’ve got to go. Some girl used Chloe’s cell to ring me to tell me that Chloe locked herself in her bathroom over an hour ago, and now she isn’t responding to them. Something is wrong. I can feel it, Jesse,” I rush out, my hands shaking from the panic.
“I’ll come with you. You’re in no state to drive right now. You’re shaking, dude,” Jesse says, walking toward me.
“I’m coming too,” Brandon also pipes up, standing up from his position on the sofa.
“We need to hurry.” With that, I turn and walk out the front door and make my way to my truck.
Jesse gets into the driver’s seat, Brandon in the middle, and me on the end so that I can jump out as soon as we get there.
“Did that girl give you an address?” Jesse asks after he’s pulled off.
“Erm, yeah. It’s 1305 Rocky Rd.”
“I know where that is,” Jesse tells me before rushing off in the direction of the address.
The ride is silent. My mind is playing different scenarios of what could have happened. None of them are good.
Thankfully, it’s not long before Jesse is parking the truck outside a small house that looks like it has seen better days.
I rush out of the truck, not bothering to wait for the guys to follow. The door opens before I have a chance to knock. I barge past the girl, heading straight upstairs and checking all of the rooms. All of them are empty, except the one at the end of the hallway. I rush over to it, trying the handle. It’s locked. Chloe must be in here.
“Chloe, Baby, it’s Jake. Can you let me in please?” I shout.
There’s no answer.
“Chloe, come on, baby. Answer the door, please,” I plead. I hope she’s just ignoring me and that nothing bad has happened to her.
“Jake, move out the way,” Jesse says, his voice leaving no room to argue.
I turn to see a stern expression on his face. Understanding what he’s about to do, I move out of the way. The next thing I know, the doors off its hinges, and I’m running into the bathroom with Jesse and Brandon hot on my heels.
I come to an abrupt stop as soon as my eyes land on Chloe. She’s unconscious on the floor, her skin ghostly white, except for the dried blood coming from her nose. That’s when I spot the drugs set up on the floor. Maisie was right when she said that Chloe’s on drugs. How the fuck did I not notice this before? The excessive weight loss should have been a big red light, though I just put it down to stress.
“Jake, move,” Jesse shouts, pushing me out of the way and making his way to Chloe.
I just stand still, not knowing what to do. I’m in shock right now. I know I should be next to her, comforting her and trying to help her, but I’m shocked. Why would my beautiful girl do this? There are enough drugs here to kill her, judging by the three empty bags lying on the floor. Judging by the little bit of powder that’s left, she’s had most of the three bags.
“She’s breathing,” Jesse says panicking. “But it’s faint. You need to call an ambulance now, Jake!”
What did he just say? Ambulance?
“Brandon, call a fucking ambulance!”
I just stand watching until it clicks that that’s my Princess, the love of my life, lying unconscious on the floor. I rush over to her, finally coming to my senses. I fall to the floor, scoopin
g her up into my arms and rocking her back and forth. As soon as I see her white face, that’s when the tears finally fall. Was she so unhappy that she wanted to end things? We’ve been getting along really well this past month. She’s been the happiest I’ve seen her in months. I’ve noticed that she’s been a bit distant this week, and I couldn’t think why, but what could be so bad that she would do this? And secondly, why didn’t she come to me if there was something wrong?
“Jake, I think you need to see this,” Jesse says quietly, pulling me from my thoughts.
I lift my head from looking at Chloe to see Jesse holding up a piece of paper.
“What is it?” I ask confused.
“I think you need to read this.” He passes me the paper. I look at him for a second longer before checking it out.
Dear Mom, Jake, and Maisie,
First of all, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry for not being strong enough to get over this, I’m sorry that I didn’t confide in any of you, and I’m sorry that I’ve let you all down.
The thing is, I can’t carry on like this anymore. I’ve been trying to get over what happened, and I just can’t. It’s eating me alive every single day. I don’t feel worthy of living anymore, and I hope when you find out why I did this, that you can all forgive me.
I love you all so much, but that just isn’t enough anymore. I’m not happy with myself and don’t see the point in feeling less than half a person anymore. Why should I live when my baby didn’t even get a chance at life? I got rid of my baby, now this is the price I have to pay. At least this way, I will get to be with my little angel. My little angel that I love more than life itself.
I’m sorry for not telling you, Mom, but I was ashamed, and I didn’t think that you would understand. You’ve always thought that I was sensible, but this was sensible of me. I didn’t want you to be disappointed.
Jake, please don’t blame yourself for this. You have been the perfect guy this past month, and you will make some girl very happy one day. Because of our past, it’s not going to be me, though I hope you understand why I’ve done this. You’re so much stronger than me, being able to live your life. I’m weak. I know that, which is why you are better off without me. I won’t be alone. I’ll be with our little angel – she will look after me now.
And Maisie, I wanted to tell you everything that happened. I just didn’t want you to judge me or think less of your brother. I see it now that he just wasn’t ready to be a father.
Again, I’m sorry. Just remember that I love you all so very much.
Chloe x
Tears are blurring my vision, making it hard to read the end of the letter. That’s when it finally hits me; it’s been a year today that she had the abortion. How did I forget that? I should have realized when I noticed that she was closing in on herself. I could have helped her. I just thought that she was struggling with her father’s death. It would have been plausible.
“It’s been a year…” I whisper, looking down at my beautiful Chloe, lying unconscious in my arms.
“What’s been a year?” Jesse asks sounding confused. He obviously didn’t read the letter.
I look up at him, tears streaming down my face. “It’s been a year since the abortion.”
“Fuck!” I watch as he runs his hands through his hair, looking stressed. “I’m going to have to go call Maisie and let her know what’s happened. I’ll be back. Hopefully the ambulance will be here shortly.”
I just nod as he stands up, leaving the room. Brandon stands quietly in the corner, looking pale.
“It will be okay. As soon as the ambulance comes, they will sort her out,” he tries reassuring me, but it doesn’t help. We both aren’t reassured by his words.
Thankfully, the paramedics arrive before I have a chance to answer. They rush into the bathroom, attending to Chloe. I don’t move, even though they ask me to. There is no way that I’m leaving Chloe, not when she’s like this. I let her down once, and I won’t be doing it again!
“Sir, we need you to move so that we can take her to the hospital,” the male paramedic tells me, pulling me from my thoughts.
I nod, realizing that it’s urgent. I can tell by their voices. I begrudgingly move, standing up but not moving too far away from her. I watch as they put her on a stretcher and start carrying her out of the bathroom and down the stairs. I spot the girl who let me in standing near with a blank expression on her face. Anger radiates through my body. How could she let Chloe do this? What kind of thing are they running here? When I get a closer look, she doesn’t look exactly sober. Her eyes are bloodshot. I want to scream and shout at her, but the paramedics are getting Chloe into the ambulance. I don’t have the time to stand here and argue with her, so I just shake my head at her before rushing out the house, bumping straight into Jesse.
“Maisie is going to meet us at the hospital. Brandon and I will take your truck. You go with Chloe,” he says, having thought it all through.
“Thanks.” I leave Jesse and Brandon standing there and hop into the ambulance.
The ride to the hospital feels like hours. From what I can tell, things aren’t looking very good. Her pulse is really low, like she is hanging on by a thread. The thought scares me. I can’t imagine my life without her.
“Mark, how long left? We have a problem,” the paramedic who’s name I found out is Steve says a little nervously.
That sets alarms ringing.
“What’s going on?” I ask frantically.
Steve just looks at me, figuring out how to tell me.
“Just tell me, will you!” My voice is raised, urging them to tell me whatever it is they have to say.
When the worlds fly out of his mouth, I sit back down shocked. No, it can’t be!
Chapter 14
Chloe
A beeping sound wakes me. Why is there a beeping sound, and why does my head feel like it’s been run over by a truck? Please just make that sound stop! When it carries on, I slowly open my eyes and spot the white wash walls surrounding me. Where am I?
“How are you feeling, Miss Reed?” An older man wearing a white coat asks me, standing to my right. He’s holding a clipboard while looking at me with a warm smile.
“Where am I?” I whisper, my voice hoarse for some reason. I need water!
“First of all, my name is Dr Kennedy, and you’re at the hospital. We brought you in yesterday, and you’ve been asleep since. Now there are a few things that I need to talk to you about before we let your friends in. Are you okay for me to talk to you now?” Dr Kennedy asks, the warm smile still in place, though he gets down to business. I’m still trying to wake up, but I guess he needs to let me know what happened and tell me why I’m in the hospital.
That’s when it all comes flooding back to me- one year anniversary, the cocaine, and then the deep sleep that I fell in. It didn’t work. I’m still alive…
“Yes, that’s fine.” It’s all I can manage to reply. My throat is as dry as sandpaper. I watch his face as his smile slips a little bit when he reads from the clipboard, which I’m guessing is my file. It makes me nervous.
“First of all, you are lucky that your friends found you when they did. You would have most probably died if they had’t. You overdosed on cocaine, a large amount of cocaine to be precise.” He doesn’t judge me, just carries on. “We have been monitoring the baby’s heartbeat for the last twelve hours, and all seems to be fine there, you will be pleased to know. We also did a scan, which proved that the baby was also fine. You’re very lucky that you have a strong baby already, Miss. Reed.”
I feel my eyes widen, about to burst out of their sockets. Did he just say what I think he said? No, he couldn’t have. I must be mistaken.
“Baby?” I whisper, having to make sure that I didn’t mishear him.
“Yes, Miss Reed, you are twelve weeks pregnant…” he carries on speaking, but I zone out after he said that I’m pregnant. That can’t be possible. I haven’t had sex in months... except I did have sex, at Jake’s party a
few months ago. Oh God, we must have not used protection! I can’t be dealing with this right now, not when it’s only been a year. I’m not ready to go through the same experience all over again. Jake’s going to be so pissed. How the freaking hell am I supposed to tell him? We were just starting to get good before I tried to overdose, but now we are going to go back to step one. He’s going to chuck me and force me to get rid of it again. History is going to repeat itself, and I’ve not even recovered from the first time yet. I put my hands on my tummy protectively, already having formed an attachment. That’s when I decide that whatever Jake decides, I will bring this baby up on my own if I have to. I will get a job, complete college on the side, and try to be the best mom that I can for my child. There is not a chance in hell that I’m getting rid of my baby this time. No way. This is my second chance, and I will do it with or without Jake’s help.
“Do you have any questions?” Dr Kennedy asks, snapping me out of my thoughts.
“No, I don’t think so,” I reply quietly, still in shock. I don’t have any questions about overdosing. I knew that I was doing that, but about being pregnant? Nope, I have absolutely no questions at all as he’s already explained everything that I need to know.
“Very well. I’ll let your friends in then, if that’s okay with you?”
I swallow, wondering who is outside. I slowly nod my head. If Jake’s there, it doesn’t matter. He probably doesn’t know. I mean, why would he? It’s not like they know that he’s the father.
I watch Dr Kennedy walk out, closing the door behind him. I don’t have time to sort through my thoughts because the door opens again. Jake and Maisie walk in, and they look exhausted, their clothes all crumpled and their hair all over the place. I give them a small smile that doesn’t reach my eyes. As soon as I see their angry expressions, the smile falls from my face.
Maisie points her finger in my direction, storming toward me with purpose. I know that I’m in for it now. “What on earth did you think you were doing? You are so selfish, Chloe!” My eyes go downcast because she’s right, I didn’t think about anyone’s feelings except my own. “Did you think that nobody would miss you if you died? Because I sure as hell would have! You’re my best friend, Chloe, not just someone I know. I’ve been worried sick the past twenty-four hours. I hope you’re happy now that everyone is worried about you!” Her eyes are deadly.