by Diane Hoh
“Sorry. Didn’t mean that.” They began walking again. The streets were crowded with Saturday shoppers, street vendors hawked their wares, and young and middle-aged suffragettes hurried from shop to shop armed with petitions or bearing placards urging the vote for women. Several of them glared at Katie in passing as if they resented the fact that she wasn’t helping. “Maybe,” Paddy added, “I’m just worried that you wouldn’t come back. I know how you yearn for Ireland and Ballyford. Was you to travel all the way back there, how do I know you wouldn’t decide to stay?”
“You could come with me.” She smiled up at him. “And talk me out of staying if I’d a mind to. Wouldn’t you like to see your ma and da, your granda again, Paddy? Just for a bit?”
Paddy’s eyes darkened. “So they could all stand there lookin’ at me and wishin’ I was Brian? No, thanks.”
Katie gasped, stopping abruptly again. “Patrick Kelleher, what a terrible thing to say! They would never wish that!”
“Sure, and I believe they would.” His voice was firm, certain.
“You was always the apple of your ma’s eyes, Paddy, and that’s the truth of it. She’ll be pinin’ for Bri, like all of us, but ’tis your passin’ that would have broke her heart beyond mendin’. She must miss you somethin’ fierce. Your da and granda, too. A visit would make them all feel better. Would you just think on it? I mean to go some day. “I would be much more pleasant was you to come along with me. And me ma and da would have more peace of heart was I to board a ship with you by my side, and not alone.” She was tempted to tell him of John’s offer to accompany her. Could be jealousy would do what her pleading would not. But Paddy seemed so disheartened these days, she didn’t want to add to his pain, whatever it was.
He laughed bitterly. “Peace of heart? Because of me? ’Twas was me brother they trusted you with, Katie, not me.”
Even though Katie recognized the truth of that, she hated hearing Paddy being so hard on himself. ’Twasn’t like him at all. His old arrogance had oft times been maddening, but she’d grown used to it. ’Twas who he was, she’d thought, and loved him just the same.
It had to be the difficulties with his book that was getting him down. Maybe Belle wasn’t being as much help as Edmund had thought she would. Katie still didn’t understand why Paddy let Belle help, but not her. Was Belle Tyree so much smarter than Katie Hanrahan? Being a college student, could be she was.
But I know Paddy better, Katie argued silently. I could press him to work on his book better than Belle. If I’d been working with him all this time, I’d wager he’d be near done with it by now. And if he was, his spirits would be that much cheerier. He wouldn’t be looking for all the world like his best friend had died….
The minute she thought it, she was sorry. And glad she hadn’t spoken the words aloud.
Because Paddy’s best friend had died. His older brother.
Could that be what was keeping him from doing the writing? Being heartsick with the loss of Brian? But if that was it, why did he never say so? He never talked about it. Wouldn’t that be best, to relieve himself of it, say what he was feeling, even it was a hurting thing to do?
“Come and hear me sing tonight,” she said impulsively. He’d come only once before, to a dinner party at an elegant home on Riverside Drive. But he’d left early, during intermission, saying he had had an “idea” and needed to get it down on paper before it slipped his mind. “Anyways,” he’d said, “with all these other fine people fawnin’ all over you, I’d just be in the way.”
That had been the first sign that Paddy wasn’t exactly shouting hoorah over Katie’s blossoming career.
But if he came to Larchmont tonight, maybe he’d stay longer and they could talk. It would be quiet out there, and peaceful and pretty. Might even put him in the mood to think about taking a trip back home, with all that green surrounding him. “We’ll have a good time,” she added. “Say you’ll come.”
This time, he was the one to stop walking, jerking her to a standstill by his abrupt stop. His eyes were very dark as he looked down at her. “If you’re thinkin’ that hearin’ you sing will make me feel better, then you don’t understand anything.”
That was cruel. Why was he being so rude? Stung, she retorted, “It makes John feel better. He’s said so many times, which is more than you said when you came to hear me that time. You never even said you took pleasure in it. And you’ve not troubled yourself to come to another performance since, even though I telephone you every time and tell you where it is and what time. John comes to all of them, and after he’s worked all week, too.” She regretted that last part immediately, but he’d made her so angry. How could he be so certain her singing wouldn’t help? It helped lots of people forget their worries. They said so, when they came up to her after.
Paddy flushed scarlet. “Meanin’, I suppose, that I don’t work at all, right, Katie? Well, here’s the thing, then. Makes more sense for you to invite John tonight, don’t it?” The flush faded and when he spoke again it was without anger. “Anyways, I can’t tonight. I have a meeting of me own to get to. Edmund has a British publisher showin’ an interest in the book. I’m meeting with both of them tonight. Sorry. I’ll come another time, I promise.”
But he wouldn’t. And even without a meeting’ to go to, he wouldn’t have come tonight, neither, Katie was sure of that. Still, she was willing to let herself pretend he might have if he didn’t have to go see a British publisher.
Saying it was later than he’d thought, he put her in a taxicab and handed the driver a wad of bills to pay her fare back to Brooklyn. Katie was bitterly disappointed. If he’d accompanied her home, they could have talked a bit more on the way, and she might have learned what it was that was troubling him so. Or maybe not. She was learning that she had to be very cautious about how she said things, about what she said, never knowing what might set him off. Being cautious about what she said and how she said it did not come easily to her. Hadn’t she just proved that?
His kiss when he leaned in through the open window was sweet and tender, but Katie didn’t feel his heart was in it. She didn’t know where his heart might be these days, but she had a feeling it wasn’t with her.
As the taxicab pulled out into traffic, she turned on the back seat to wave to Paddy one last time.
He was already gone.
Chapter 13
AT THE LAST MINUTE, Katie’s singing engagement in Larchmont was cancelled. She was brushing her hair in her room when Lottie called up the stairs, “Flo just telephoned. The people what was havin’ the party had to cancel. Some relative died. She said you can do as you please tonight and she’ll talk to you tomorrow. I made sure she knew we had Mass in the morning, so she wouldn’t telephone then. She said she’d wait until after Sunday dinner.”
When Katie had changed out of the new blue dress and pinned up her hair, she went downstairs, intent on calling Paddy. If he’d already had his meeting with Edmund and the British publisher, maybe he’d take her to their favorite place: Coney Island. They hadn’t been there since spring, and the weather was perfect now for such an outing. An evening breeze would surely arise to cool off the afternoon heat, and there was no hint of rain. She was missing him something fierce, they hadn’t parted on such grand terms, and they always had such fun at the wondrous amusement park.
He wasn’t home. Katie let the telephone ring far longer than was sensible, unwilling to give up her thought of a lovely evening with Paddy.
When she finally, despondently, replaced the receiver, Lottie was standing nearby with a suggestion. “You ain’t had a Satiddy night off in a while,” she said. “Malachy and me was thinkin’, why don’t we all go to Coney Island? Mary and Tom and their wee one could come, too, if they’ve a mind to.”
John Donnelly, reading the newspaper in the front parlor, overheard. He came out into the hall to say politely, “I wouldn’t mind going along, if no one objects. I’ve heard a lot about the place, but haven’t been just yet. I wasn’t k
een on going alone.”
Katie hadn’t the heart to say he wasn’t welcome. And with a clear eye on matchmaking now that she’d given up on Paddy, Lottie said hastily, “Oh, that’d be grand, John! Won’t that be grand, Katie? All of us goin’ together?”
Katie nodded and managed a smile for John. ’Twasn’t his fault that her and Paddy was having troubles. “It’ll be fun,” she said, trying to believe it herself. “I’ll just run across the street and invite Mary and Tom. I hope Mary isn’t feelin’ poorly.”
Mary was feeling “top-drawer,” and an hour later, all seven of them, Bridget perched on Katie’s lap, were crammed into Tom’s old black car, on their way to Coney Island.
As much as Katie loved the amusement park, it was not at all the same without Paddy. ’Twas Paddy who had talked her into riding the Red Devil Rider, which had taken her breath away; Paddy who had insisted she, too, try to win a prize at various game booths instead of standing by like other girls while the fellow did all the work. He had seemed as thrilled as she when she won a small stuffed panda for aiming carefully enough to knock down three small white ducks in a row in a shooting gallery. He had kissed her on the carousel, unmindful of disapproving eyes.
John steered away from the Red Devil Rider, and any other ride that looked the least bit threatening. He claimed they didn’t look “structurally sound” and made it sound like he knew about such things. He said cotton candy was bad for their teeth and that the popcorn-making machine didn’t look “sanitary.” He did ride the Ferris wheel and the carousel with her, but made no move to kiss her, which was a relief to Katie. John complained about the dust and the noise and the crowd, almost all in the same breath, and more than once.
“You don’t like the park, then?” Katie asked irritably as they strolled along the midway. “We don’t have nothin’ like this in all of Ireland, John. Don’t you find it excitin’?”
“Well, sure I do, Katie.” But she thought he only said that so she wouldn’t disapprove. John did that sometimes, said things certain to get her approval. “It’s just … say, isn’t that your friend Paddy over there?”
Katie’s heart skipped a beat. Paddy, here? That couldn’t be. He had a meeting.
“Over there … on that bench, see? With the girl in the purple dress.” Was there a note of smugness in John’s voice, or was she imagining it?
She had to turn and look. And there he was. Wouldn’t she know him anywhere in the world? He was indeed sitting on a bench, half-turned away from Katie. But she could see enough of the profile she knew so well to be very certain of what she was seeing. And the “girl in the purple dress,” she realized, was Belle Tyree. Edmund wasn’t with them, nor was anyone who looked like a British publisher. They had the bench all to themselves.
What were Belle and Paddy doing together here in this park that Katie had come to think of as her and Paddy’s special place?
He had told her he couldn’t come to hear her sing because he had a meeting. And then he had brought Belle here.
She hated him. She did. And Belle, too.
“Wouldn’t you be wanting to go over and say hello?” John asked.
The suggestion horrified her. Let Paddy see the look on her face? Let him hear the sound of her heart breaking? She would rather jump off the Brooklyn Pier, though she couldn’t swim a stroke. “He’s busy … they’re talkin’. About his writin’, most likely. We’d best not disturb them. Anyways, we need to be catchin’ up with Malachy and Lottie or they’ll be leavin’ without us.” Grabbing John’s hand, she tugged him along the midway, never once glancing back in Paddy’s direction.
While everyone else in the car sang the praises of the wondrous park during the ride home, Katie fumed. Paddy could have told her the plain truth. Could he not have said, “I’m not comin’ to hear you sing because the truth of it is, I’m seein’ Belle tonight. What’s more, I’m takin’ her to our special place.”
She knew now why she’d seen so little of Paddy lately. And why he’d been in the doldrums. Probably worrying about how he was going to break the news to her, how he’d tell her that Belle Tyree held his heart now.
Probably scared she’d go into a tizzy over it.
Not me, she told herself grimly, ignoring the fact that tears were wetting her cheeks. She didn’t even bother to wipe them away. In the car’s dark interior, no one could see. It’d take more than a broken heart to throw me into a tizzy. Maybe a while ago, but not now. Not after what she’d gone through on the Titanic. And she had her singing, that’d keep her too busy to think about Paddy off somewheres with Belle, and she had Malachy and Lottie and Mary and Tom and Bridget. She had John, too, if she wanted him. What did she need Paddy for? He didn’t need her. He had Belle.
He hadn’t changed, after all. Still breaking hearts the same as back in County Cork.
’Twas her own fault. Hadn’t she known better? When Paddy kissed her on the Titanic, she’d already known both brothers long enough to be aware of Paddy’s reputation as a ladies’ man. ’Twasn’t Brian who was considered the faithless brother. But she had ignored what her head was telling her on board the ship and listened only to her heart. All of her firm resolve not to fall prey to Paddy’s charms had dissolved under the sweetness of his kiss.
Paddy had apologized for the kiss, convinced that Katie was Brian’s love. She had convinced him otherwise, though it had taken some doing. Paddy was a heart breaker, but he did have a code of ethics. Encroaching on his brother’s “territory” went against that code.
I made him see, finally, that is was him who held my heart in his hands, Katie thought bitterly, staring out the car window into the dark night, and now look what he’s gone and done with it. Stomped all over it with those muddy boots of his!
Still, she couldn’t blame him. Belle was pretty, and getting a college education, and her uncle was a successful publisher. Belle could be a great help to Paddy.
And anyways, ’twasn’t Belle’s fault Kathleen Hanrahan was a fool for a handsome Irish lad with dark, merry eyes and a smile that would melt steel. Should have steered way clear of him and wasn’t that the truth? Just like the Titanic should have steered around that iceberg.
Paddy and Belle. Hadn’t she suspected for a while now? She’d seen so little of him lately. ’Course that was partly because she’d been so busy singing. Was that part of the problem, maybe, that she’d been doing so well, and him making no more progress on his book than a mule in mud?
But … Katie choked back a cry … what earthly good would a singing career be without Paddy? What good would anything be?
Katie wiped her eyes. If Patrick Kelleher was too blind to see that no one would ever love him as much as Katie Hanrahan did, if he was willing to toss that away like a sweet potato wrapper, let him! She wasn’t going to run after him like those silly girls in County Cork. He could just go fly a kite in Central Park! And he could take Belle Tyree with him for all Katie cared.
“John,” Katie said in a perfectly normal voice, “would you be interested in goin’ with me to the movies tomorrow afternoon?”
Writing a letter to Vassar College declining her admission and scholarship was one of the hardest things Elizabeth had ever done. “I regret …” Regret seemed like too small a word for what she was feeling. The word for what she was feeling should have many letters in it, perhaps the entire alphabet. Six letters weren’t nearly enough.
But when, unable to give up the last shred of hope, she had mentioned the word “nurse” to her mother, Nola had become so agitated at the thought of being cared for by a stranger, Elizabeth had been forced to hastily reassure her. “I’m here, Mother, I’m here, I’ll take care of you,” she had to say repeatedly, until her mother finally calmed down.
Nola came home on a bright, sunny Thursday afternoon. Elizabeth left her in Esther’s capable hands just long enough to walk to the corner and post her letter. Two young women passed her on bicycles, laughing lightheartedly. Perhaps, Elizabeth thought disconsolately as she walked
slowly back to the house, they were on their way to register for college classes, or to sign up for flying lessons, or to take part in a suffrage march beginning in Washington Square. Or perhaps they were on their way to meet two young men in the Village for coffee, where the four would engage in a lively, spirited discussion about workers’ rights and unionization, about politics and socialism, about art and books, as Max and his friends did. And as her mother and friends did not.
The fall and winter seasons stretched ahead of Elizabeth like an endless cold, dark tunnel. If it weren’t for Max, she would crawl into bed and stay there until next summer. Perhaps her mother would be better by next summer. Perhaps there was still hope….
I can’t bear it, she thought as she re-entered the house. I shall not be able to bear it.
Two days later Nola was up and about, fully dressed, taking charge of the household just as she always had. Elizabeth allowed herself to hope again, just a little. Her mother seemed the very picture of health. Impossible to believe she was ill … except that Elizabeth had seen her on her knees on the garden path, her face as white as the stone on which she was kneeling. And had sat beside her in the ambulance, Nola’s lips bluish, her eyes closed. Had heard the doctor say, “Heart trouble…”
“Are you going to sign up for a class or two at CCNY?” Max asked. Though he was working feverishly on his new paintings, he had taken some time off, sensing how unhappy Elizabeth must be. He had asked if she’d like to go for a drive, but she didn’t want to leave the house, so they settled on a bench in the rear garden instead. “Anne’s taking a couple of classes.” Max laughed. “She can never decide which courses to take, so every semester she tosses a toothpick up in the air and wherever it lands on the course calendar, that’s the class she takes.”
“This is where my mother collapsed,” Elizabeth said slowly. It was very hot out. Elizabeth liked the feel of the sun on her skin. Sometimes, when it was really hot, it almost seemed to reach down into her cold, bones. But never quite. “Right over there, that’s where she went down. I thought she was dying.” Her mother’s rosebushes needed pruning again, and Elizabeth thought she saw blackspot on some of the leaves. “I must get someone to see to the roses. Mother will be upset if they’re not cared for, and she shouldn’t be doing it herself.”