by Ashe, Karina
Oh God. I’m going to hell.
“Laura,” he whispers.
“Um…” Am I supposed to be saying something?
“You’re embarrassed?”
His accent makes me shiver. Did he mean to ask if I was embarrassed after he fucked my brains out? Of course I was! “I just…I think I should go.”
He stops breathing. His hands flex, and he pulls my hair. “Sorry,” he whispers when he sees me wince.
“Um…” I realize I don’t know his name. I just fucked a guy, and I don’t even know his name. Why hasn’t he told me his name? What am I supposed to call him? Masked man? “This isn’t some kind of joke, is it?” I squeak.
“What?” His voice sounds genuinely concerned. I don’t know if that’s a bad thing or a good thing.
“I mean, the football team isn’t going to jump out from behind the bleachers and begin high-fiving you, are they?”
“Why the fuck would they do that?”
The fierceness of his words make me giggle nervously. “Initiation.”
“Initiation?”
“You know.” I bite my lip. “It’s what guys do to feel like studs.”
It takes him a moment to answer. “They better not try to feel like studs if they know what’s good for them,” he growls. “I’m not a generous man, Laura.”
Something about the way he says ‘man’ thrills me. About how he shared he isn’t generous. And suddenly, I want him to drive into me again, to show me just how ungenerous he is and remind me in every way possible that he’s a man.
What’s wrong with me?
I become increasingly aware of my soreness. My cunt clenches and I shudder.
A calloused thumb moves over my bottom lip. “Did I scare you?”
I scared myself. I’d never done anything like this before. Never. I didn’t even know him.
“I’m sorry,” he says, pushing himself off me. He drops his arm over his forehead.
I watch his chest rise and fall in the shadows of the auditorium. My throat feels tight. “Why are you sorry?” I ask.
“For pushing you. I messed this up.” He moves a bit, probably so he can see me better, but it’s hard to tell when he’s wearing a mask. “I just wanted to talk to you.”
“Talk to me?” I repeat. I feel my cheeks flushing again. Actually, I feel every part of me flushing. My hands shake as I grab my pants and pull them up. They stick to my inner thighs. I can’t believe how wet I still am.
“Yes.” He rolls onto his side and traces my elbow. He probably feels my muscles tense with fear and apprehension as I continue to pull my pants all the way up. “I messed up, didn’t I? I just got close to you and I couldn’t…”
“It wasn’t just you,” I admit, feeling myself growing hotter. I’d flung myself on him. It was disgusting, thinking of myself acting like that with someone…especially someone I didn’t even know…
“I did mess things up, and now you’re ashamed.”
I pause for a second. “Well it was kind of…”
“Kind of what?” he asks when I don’t finish.
Kind of great, which somehow makes all this worse. “I think I need to go.”
“Don’t.”
“No, I really—”
“Please don’t, Laura.”
He says my name like it is something special. Like it means everything to him. I don’t understand. Why is he even here? Who is he to me? And why did I give into him so quickly?
I study him. He’s still wearing a freaking mask, Laura. If he isn’t going to take that off, he isn’t going to answer those questions. “I’m sorry, but I have to.”
“Laura…”
“Please, I just…This is really weird.” I jump up and grab my cello.
He says something harshly in his own language. It sounds like a curse.
I tremble.
“I’m sorry.” He sighs behind me. “You’re really going, aren’t you?”
I adjust my grip on my cello.
“Will you meet me again?”
I drop my bow on the floor and curse. I shut my eyes as I retrieve it, and my body answers for me. “Uh…yes.”
He inhales as if to speak. I place my instrument in its case and slam it shut, buckling it loudly. “I, um. I—”
He brushes his hands on his slacks as he stands. “Let me walk you home at least.”
Wait, was he being serious? Through campus? Wearing a mask? If anyone saw us they’d call the cops! “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
“It’s dark out. You don’t know who’s out there.”
“You mean guys like…” I don’t finish, but he knows what I was about to say. He has to. My shoulders fall. That wasn’t fair. I’m sorry. I don’t think you’re some random creeper. I mean, you kind of are, but you’re more than that to me. I wouldn’t do this with just anyone. At least I hope I wouldn’t…
My unspoken apology flashes in my mind as I wet my lips. “Uh, that’s not what I meant to say. I mean…”
He cuts me off. “It’s alright. Just be safe.”
“Okay.” I don’t know if he heard me or not. I run to the end of the stage. My cello case bumps my knees as I rush down the stairs. I’m not being careful. Not with the most important object I own, or even with my own body…
“Laura.” I don’t know if he speaks again or if I’m just imagining it. A part of me expects him to come after me, but he doesn’t. I can’t hear anything on the stage and I don’t look back.
The door of the auditorium swings open and I’m greeted by cold air. I slump against it as it slams shut. I shut my eyes and try to steady my breath. The hand that holds my cello case trembles.
I just slept with him. The one who lays himself bare in his letters.
I press my free hand to my chest. My heart still beats so fast. Just as it had when he touched me.
A part of me wants to run back in there. To demand he reveal everything he hides from me. To push him onto the floor without shame and revel in that twisted, dark pleasure.
The fact that I want such things frightens me. I didn’t know how much he meant to me until now. I didn’t know how much I could lose. Those letters, detailing his obsession, had merely ignited mine. I’d given myself to him before he’d even touched me. I’d relinquished everything to him.
And I didn’t even know his name.
I walk home briskly, trying to squelch these strange desires brewing inside me. On the second block from campus I noticed it—an eerie chill. I hugged myself, ignoring the steam rising from the grates below, how the streets shifted from overcrowded to almost empty.
He’s following me. I know he is.
A part of me wants to dart into one of the alleys and wait. He’d come, I know he would. Maybe he’d press himself against me, and I’d once again feel his hard, sculpted over mine. He’d push me up against the bricks with only the streetlight from the road to give us light. And I’d fade into that dimness and that dusky scent, and allow him to overtake me.
He’d probably be angry too, but not nearly as angry as I would be. I’d told him it would be fine, that there was no need for him to walk me home.
Maybe this is normal for him.
I walk faster. That thought should horrify me. Instead, I feel oddly safe.
Chapter 8
I walk into our room as quietly as possible. Cassie is opening a bag of gluten free blue corn tortilla chips as Anna smashes three gigantic avocados with as much grace as one can when they’re using a child’s dancing happy bear cereal bowl.
Dolly’s sitting on a stool at the counter. She pops a chip in her mouth and grins. “We were going to start without you.”
“No we weren’t,” Anna says.
“Well, alright, we weren’t but I totally would have started without you.” Dolly’s smile deepens as if this information should make me happy.
“Luckily some of us have manners,” Anna mutters. The guacamole is done, so she goes over to the sink to rinse her hands.
Cassie laughs. “Jesus Anna. Are you on your period?”
Dolly snickers.
Anna is pretty bad on her period, but she knows it and tries to make light of it. Of course, making fun of yourself for being a bitch when you’re PMS-ing is kind of hard to do, so we don’t push her too hard.
Anna sighs. “When we watch The Notepad, I’m going to hold you and Cassie while I cry since apparently she’s the only one who appreciates me.”
“We love you Anna!” Dolly calls out dramatically, reaching for Anna’s wrist.
“So damn much!” Cassie drops the bag of chips on the counter and throws her arms around Anna.
“You guys are so transparent,” Anna says, but she’s smiling as Cassie and Dolly pull on her as if she’s the rope in a game of tug-of-war.
I set down my cello and kick off my sneakers. My pussy is still sore. I hope I don’t make a face when I sit.
No. I’m over thinking it. No one ever makes a face when they sit. That’s just ridiculous.
I walk over to the stools and sit at the counter.
Dolly immediately drops Anna’s arm. “What is wrong?”
“What?” I ask, beginning to fold my legs. Unfortunately, that just exasperates my soreness so I stop.
“You made a face,” Dolly says.
Cassie nods and Anna looks concerned.
“Oh, it’s nothing. Just…a lot of stuff happened at practice.”
“Like what?” Dolly asks.
At that moment, I realize that in general not a lot happens during practice since practice consists of me, alone in a room, playing my instrument. “I just had a really good practice.”
Dolly tilts her head immediately. I don’t like the angle of that tilt!
“But seriously, what took so long?” Cassie continues.
Well, as I insinuated before, practice was great. I fucked a man who’s been stalking me for over a year. No, I’ve never met him before, but he writes me a letter every day. Want to read them? I’ve got like hundreds under my bed. I read a few every night before I go to sleep. And no, I have no idea what he looks like since he wore a mask the entire time.
“I was just really into it.” It doesn’t escape anyone’s notice that my voice is an octave higher than it usually is.
Dolly leans forward. “What happened?”
I look around at everything except my friend’s faces. “Uh…nothing. Just practice.”
Dolly raises an eyebrow. “Bull. Shit.”
Oh God, I have to stop this. If they knew…no, they couldn’t possibly even guess…but if they did I’d never hear the end of it. “So…The Notepad…it’s getting late so we should start…”
“You’re avoiding the question,” Cassie points out.
“No. I’m just, you guys were waiting up for me. We should get started.”
“You know,” Dolly puts her hand around my shoulder. “The point of girl night is not to watch a movie we’ve seen like ten million times already.”
My throat feels tight. Every part of me feels tight.
“It’s to share what happened during the week. To solidify our friendship,” she continues.
Cassie wiggles her eyebrows. “To talk about great late night practices.”
“At length,” Dolly adds with a sly grin. “We want to hear about all the lengths.”
All the lengths? Is she saying what I think she’s saying? Oh shit! “It was nothing. I was just, practicing really hard see?” I point to my cello case by the door as if that proves something. “And if you guys aren’t going to watch a movie, I might just call it a night—”
Dolly peers deeply into my eyes, then snaps her fingers. “It’s a guy.”
“What? Did Laura meet a guy?” Anna squeals.
“No, I did not meet a guy. I just had practice.”
“And what did you practice, my dear?” Dolly drawls.
My pulse spikes. I can feel my face growing hot. “Music! What do you think?”
Dolly wiggles her eyebrows. “Uh huh. I think I can guess the tune: bow chicka bow wow.”
Dolly has, quite possibly, the worst singing voice I’ve ever heard in my life. I shake my head, stand, and then head over to the couch. “Ugh, are you twelve? I can’t believe you just said that to me.”
Cassie does some kind of stealth ninja move so she sits down at the same time as me. “You totally just met a guy and you’re not telling us anything!”
“I’m not not telling you things.” Even I have no idea what I’m saying at this point.
“You’re a bad liar, Laura,” Dolly clucks.
“Really bad,” Cassie adds.
“I’m not lying!”
“Is he cute?” Dolly asks.
“Look, there’s no guy.”
“Did he take you out for coffee? Oh my God, did you kiss him?” Anna’s cheeks flush.
I think my cheeks flush too.
“She kissed him!” Dolly claps her hands.
“About time!” Cassie laughs. “Was he good?”
My mouth hangs open. Shit! What should I say?
“I think there was tongue,” Dolly says! “And maybe even a little more. He was probably good with his hands…”
“You guys, I didn’t kiss.” That wasn’t a lie. We didn’t kiss. It’s hard to kiss when he’s wearing a mask and taking you from behind.
Wow that sounds so bad.
“So you didn’t kiss, but you did other things with this guy?” Cassie asks.
Oh damn, I’d just basically admitted there was a guy! “Look, it doesn’t matter. Ryan Gooseling—”
“Can wait,” Dolly announces. “Every time I see him floating around in his little boat, I hope that swarm of white ducks will attack.”
“Sacrilege!” Anna yells from the kitchen as she grabs the guacamole bowl.
“Keep your voice down,” Cassie whispers to Dolly. “You basically just shot her boyfriend.”
“That chick needs to get laid,” Dolly mutters, then glares at me. “You too. I’m expecting you to have hot, sweaty sex with this guy by the end of the month.”
Already happened. “Look, this is getting really out of hand,” I babble.
“Come on Dolly! Stop freaking out,” Cassie adds. “You know that David has been working his way up to this point. Don’t freak her out when he’s finally made his move.”
Wait a second, that made no sense. David was one of my best friends. Friends. There was nothing between us. “What’s this about David?” I ask.
Dolly wiggles her eyebrows again. “Did David finally serenade you?”
Why would David serenade me? “David is just a friend,” I insist.
“A friend who really wants to fu—I mean,” Dolly glances over at Anna, “spend some late night ‘practice time’ with you.”
Anna sets the guacamole on the coffee table. “I’m just temporarily bitchy, not a prude.” She narrows her eyes as she looks at me. “So, who is it?”
I stuff my face in a pillow. “Not you too.”
“That’s it,” Anna declares. “I’m going to hug you while I weep to The Notepad tonight.”
“You just said you wouldn’t because I appreciated you!”
“You’re hiding things from your friends,” Anna remarks as the other two giggle. “That’s not a sign of appreciation. It has to stop.”
I honestly have no idea to say. No freaking idea at all. “Alright,” I whisper, my voice muffled by the pillow.
“Get that thing out of your face. I can’t hear a word you’re saying!” Dolly bellows while the other girls laugh.
I throw the pillow at her.
“That’s better.” She catches it and grins.
Shit! Now I have nothing to hide behind!
“You’re going to have to tell us sooner or later,” Dolly says.
“Yeah. We’ll sit on you if we have to,” Cassie adds.
“And we’re going to watch, rewind, and watch again that scene where my dear Ryan rows around the lake in circles, again and again and again, w
hile I use you as a tissue,” Anna finishes.
“And I’ll try to play your cello as Dolly sings,” Cassie says.
That last comment did it. No way in hell was I staying here! I glanced at the bathroom. If I made it, I could lock the door and just stay there for the rest of the night. It wouldn’t be too bad. I could curl up on that faux fur rug on the floor that left a shaggy hot pink layer of fuzz on my feet every time I stepped out of the shower and looked like a Saturday morning cartoon mascot that someone had shot and skinned.
“Don’t even think about it,” Dolly says.
“Think about what?” I ask innocently.
Cassie’s eyes narrow. “Running into that bathroom.”
Shit. “Well then, guess it’s Notepad time.”
“Even I’m not going to let you get out of this one,” Anna giggles. “You have no idea how long we’ve been waiting for David—”
“Why do you guys keep bringing up David?” I interrupt. “Like I said before, David and I are just friends.”
There’s a moment of silence. Anna frowns. “So you really weren’t with David tonight?”
“No!”
My friends share a look.
“So, who is this guy?” Cassie says after clearing her throat.
“Just a guy.” Shit. I just verbally admitted it. Well, it wasn’t like they didn’t already know but if I was even just a tad smarter about this sort of thing I could have at least pretended for a little longer that it was nothing.
Dolly grins. “So, tell us about him.”
Well, he wears a mask. Won’t let me look at his face. Fucks me like he’s never going to stop. And I don’t want him to stop. I press my thighs together. This is so going in a bad, bad, bad direction.
Cassie laughs. “Damn girl. What is wrong with you? I’ve never seen you act like this about…well, actually I haven’t exactly seen you with a guy before, but I didn’t think you’d ask like this.”
Dolly stares into my face. “You totally kissed him.”
“I didn’t,” I whisper.
Dolly rubs her hands together. “Yeah, and a few moments you didn’t want to admit there was even a guy!”
“Dolly’s right. Own up. You’re blushing hardcore,” Cassie says.
I gaze longingly at the pillow on the floor. Maybe I could dive into it.
Dolly kicks the pillow away.