by Evelyn Glass
“For you?” Perky asked, looking at Stella.
“I do have to sleep, so give me a hot chocolate.”
“Would you like to try a horchata, instead?”
“I don’t know what that is.”
“It’s ground rice, mixed with sweetened milk, cinnamon and vanilla. We can serve it hot. It’s really good and it won’t keep you up.”
“Sure, I’ll have that.”
“I’ll bring them right out.”
Gabriel paid then they moved to the farthest corner and sat at one of the small tables. “Thank you for doing this,” he said to open the conversation.
“Just say what you have to say. I have to get up in the morning.”
He looked down, trying to figure out how to start. He’d been rehearsing his speech all evening, but now that he had to give it, he found he was at a loss for words. “First, I want to say I’m sorry. I was a jerk with the way I ended it. At the time I thought I was doing the right thing, but, in hindsight, I realize what a shitty move it was.”
“Just tell me why. Why did you leave? Was it something I did?”
“No. You were perfect. I was a fool for letting you go.”
“Why, then?”
“Because I was messed up. I was twisted up inside.” He paused as Perky placed their drinks in front of them. “I know this will sound trite, but I did it for you. Or I thought I did. I thought you deserved better than me. I was a failure at everything I tried. I—”
“You’re blaming me for you leaving?”
“No. I’m not blaming you for anything. This is all on me. You were going places. You had just received a promotion, and I couldn’t find a job. I expected, still do, that someday you will own your own bakery, just like you want. You didn’t need my dead weight hanging around your neck, dragging you down.”
“I never asked you leave. I loved you.”
“And I loved you. I guess, in a way, I still do. I’ve tried to forget what we had, and I thought I had, but when I saw you again, I realized, again, what a dumbass I’d been.”
“So you left me to join a gang, and didn’t even have the balls to tell me in person?”
“Not a gang, a club. They wanted me. They asked me to join them. You have no idea how badly I needed to hear that.”
“I wanted you. That wasn’t enough?”
He met her eyes. “You’re beautiful, strong and smart. I felt I was holding you back. I had no prospects and no future. I couldn’t bear the thought of you supporting me the rest of my life as I worked at one dead-end job after another. I hated myself, and I hated that I had to depend on you. The Iron Kings, they promised me a future, a place I could belong and contribute.” He looked down. “I didn’t want to stand in your way. I didn’t want to drag you into the club life or make you choose between me and something I knew you wanted. I had no way to support you and I lived in the clubhouse for months. You’re too…special, I guess…for me to do that to you.”
She tasted her horchata. “This is really good,” she said as she stalled for time to collect her thoughts. “This is awfully convenient, this excuse that you did it for my own good.”
He shrugged. “It’s not an excuse. It’s the truth. And it’s not convenient. It was the stupidest thing I ever did. Yes, joining the Iron Kings is probably the second best thing to ever happened to me, but I should have fought like hell to keep you. I should have never willingly let you go.”
“I begged you to come home. You said you didn’t love me.”
“A lie. I knew if I came home I would never be able to leave you. That’s why I came and got my clothes while you were at work. Did you miss the scarf?”
“What scarf?” He reached inside his vest and pulled out a rust and grey scarf and handed it to her. “You had this? I wondered where it went.”
“I’m sorry. I always loved that scarf on you. I took it with my clothes. It smelled like you and I wanted something to remember you.”
She was beginning to soften as she read the pain and regret in Gabriel’s eyes. “Why did you lie to me? Why didn’t you give me the choice?”
“I lied because I was afraid you would choose to follow me, and I knew you wouldn’t be happy. I wanted you to hate me. At the time I had convinced myself I did it so you would forget about me and move on. I think now I wanted you to hate me as much as I hated myself.”
She gave him a sad smile. “That part worked. I did hate you, for a long time.”
“As you should.”
“You’ve changed.”
“Yes. For more than a year, I was totally fucked up. Booze and women were my life. I was looking for something, but I didn’t know what. Finally, one of the old timers pulled me aside and set me straight. Well, what he actually did was kick the shit out of me for hitting on his old lady. I’m lucky he didn’t kill me. That’s when I started getting my act together and realized what I’d done.” He shook his head. “I must have started to call you a thousand times in the next three years, but I couldn’t face you.”
“But now?”
“You deserved better than what I did. I have to face this and to take ownership of it. I couldn’t let things stay like it was between us. I had to tell you that I understand what I’d done. If I could change one thing in my life, it would be that decision. I might have still left, but I would have manned up and let you make your own choices rather than me making them for you. That’s the thing I regret the most, thinking I knew better than you what you wanted.” He took a sip of his coffee. “This is good.”
“You’re not worried about not being able to sleep tonight?”
He snorted. “There was no danger of that, even before the coffee.”
“What did the gang, club, whatever, give you that I couldn’t? I would have done anything for you.”
He smiled softly. “They gave me hope, I guess. They didn’t care I was a total fuck-up. So long as I pulled my weight, I was welcome.”
“I don’t understand.”
“There’s nothing to understand. I was messed up. It doesn’t make sense to me now, either, but it did at the time. I was trying to change my life, trying to find my place. I was lost, looking for something to grab onto. I was afraid if it was you, I would drag you down with me.” He shrugged. “What a difference four years of perspective makes. What they gave me was a swift kick in the ass. You never did that, and that was what I needed, I just didn’t know it at the time. They didn’t put with my bullshit. When I screwed up, they let me know I screwed up, then they gave me another kick in the ass while at the same time telling me they knew I could do it. They wouldn’t accept failure. If I made a mistakes, and I made plenty, they made me do it again, and again, and again until I got it right. They wouldn’t let me fail. They gave me pride. I remember how proud I was when I was finally accepted as a full member and given my club name.”
“Club name?”
“Yeah. It’s kind of like your handle. They call me Royal.”
“Royal?”
“Yeah. Sometimes it’s a play on your last name, like mine. Prince, Royal. Doctson, Doc. Sometimes it’s has something to do with a skill. Dirk because he’s good with a knife, or Circuit and computers.”
She nodded. “I can see that in you now. You have a confidence you never had before.”
He smiled slightly and looked at the tabletop. “I would give anything to feel like this when I still had you.”
She took another sip of her drink. “I noticed your bike. You’ve moved up in the world. What do you do now? What do the Iron Kings do?”
He gave her a crooked smile. “I’m a bond runner.”
“What’s that?”
“A bounty hunter.”
“You’re kidding me!”
“Nope. We, me and my team, track down people who skip bail and bring them back.”
“Your team?”
“That’s right. Me and three others, all from the Kings.” She looked at him, her eyes narrowing slightly, and he chuckled. “It’s all perfectly
legal. I’m licensed by the Great State of South Carolina and everything.”
“How many of you are there?”
“There are two licensed runners. The Kings have the reputation of getting their man quickly and with minimal fuss. That’s why I’m back in Greenfield. The club is expanding.”
“So what about all the other members?”
“We also provide security services. That’s how I got started. A lot of the guys help with that. Most of the time, if you show up, look tough, wear your colors, that’s all that’s required to keep things calm and prevent problems. Then they got in a pinch and need some extra help tracking down a fugitive. I volunteered and I found him in a week, after the club had been looking for him for almost a month. They kept sending me out and I realized I liked the chase. That’s when I really got my shit together. I finally had a purpose in life. I got my license and now it’s what I do. There are the four teams who work with the runners. Three in Charleston, and my team here in Greenfield.”
“I thought you said there were only two bond runners.”
He nodded. “That’s true. Only me and the other licensed runner can actually apprehend a fugitive, but that doesn’t mean others can’t locate him for us first. When they find him, we arrive, take him into custody, and return him for trial.”
“You any good?”
“Not bad,” he said with a small smile. “Turns out I have a knack for thinking like someone on the run.”
“What do you want from me?” she asked as she took another sip.
“Nothing. I want you to be happy.”
“You’re not going to ask me to come back to you?”
He smiled sadly. “If I did, would you?”
“No.”
“Didn’t think so. I only wanted to tell you how sorry I was for how I treated you, and wish you the best.”
She smiled softly, but couldn’t meet his eyes. “Have you found someone else?”
“No. I keep hoping someday to meet someone who can come close to making me feel like you did.”
“How was that?”
“I can’t say, I don’t know the words. You made me feel…special. That’s the closest word I can think of. You? You’re not wearing a ring, but anybody special?”
“No, nobody.”
“Why not?”
She smiled sadly. “Same problem you have, I guess.”
He looked down. “I really fucked up, didn’t I?”
She nodded. “Yes you did.”
He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Thank you.”
“For what?”
“For meeting with me.”
“Has it helped?”
“No, but maybe it will going forward.”
She nodded. “Thank you for leveling with me. I couldn’t understand why you left. I’m not sure I understand now, but at least I know it wasn’t me.”
He shook his head. “It was never you. You were perfect.”
“I wish you would stop saying that.”
“Why? It’s the way I felt.”
“It makes me uncomfortable, that’s all.”
He shrugged. “I said I would be honest with you.”
She nodded slowly as she stared at the table. “I hated you, Gabriel. I hated you for what you did and how you did it.” She looked up. “Now I hope you find some peace and you can be happy, too.”
Their coffee and horchata were only half gone, but this seemed like a good place to wrap it up. He didn’t want to make her uncomfortable or hurt her again. “Let me take you back to your car.” He rose then tossed a one on the table, ending their meeting.
She rose with him, her feelings in turmoil. He had hurt her, badly, but he hadn’t done it to be malicious or cruel, and he hadn’t left her for someone else. She could see the pain and regret in his eyes, and with the way he spoke she could tell he had believed he was doing the right thing. And though she was loath to admit it, in some ways he had. Yes, he had handled how he left her badly, but she didn’t see herself being in the motorcycle scene. That much he had right. If he’d just talked to her, laid it all out like he had done now, maybe they both could have moved on.
The realization hit her like a flash of heat. She hadn’t moved on, just like he hadn’t. She thought she was over him, but sitting there, sipping coffee, she realized deep inside there was still a glow, a feeble ember of feeling for him that was yet to die. She didn’t love him anymore, not like she did, but she wasn’t truly over him either, despite her words to the contrary. The opposite of love isn’t hate; it’s apathy. She had worried he would hurt her again, but he couldn’t hurt her if she didn’t still care.
They rode through the early morning hours, her stomach churning, that little ember of feeling for him glowing more strongly.
He pulled the bike to a stop behind her car and killed the engine. “Thank you for doing this for me,” he said quietly as he removed his helmet.
She nodded. “I’m glad we talked.”
He stepped forward and pulled her into a hug, holding her snuggly, his cheek resting on her head. After a moment her arms went around his waist and they held each other for a long time, saying nothing. She felt him take a deep breath and let it out slowly.
“I’m sorry I hurt you,” he breathed into her ear. “I would do anything to be able to take back what I did. I hope you can find someone who loves you the way you deserve. If you ever need anything, call me. I’ll be there. I’ll always be there for you, no matter what.”
There was something about him that made her believe him. He hadn’t asked for forgiveness, hadn’t asked her to come back to him, hadn’t asked for anything. He’d done just as he said and laid it out why he’d left her, and was stepping out of her life as she asked.
She didn’t know who made the first move, but as their hug dissolved their lips met. The kiss started out innocent and slow, a kiss of sweet parting, but it quickly flared, gaining momentum and heat. He pulled her in and held her in the kiss as her hands tangled in his hair, pulling his lips harder into her own.
He gasped as he pulled back, looking down, unable to meet her eyes. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.”
She stared at him, her passions roaring into life. She wanted him, wanted him like she hadn’t wanted anyone since he left. “I wanted you to,” she said slowly, but made no move to entice him into another kiss.
His head snapped up and his eyes met hers. He looked at her for several moments. “Do you mean that?”
“Yes.”
He gently cradled her face in his hands, looking into her eyes. “I wanted it, too.”
She let him hold her face for a moment, then with a sad smile reached up and stroked his cheek. There was so much between them she didn’t know if they could ever get past it, but after a moment he brought his lips to hers again, kissing her softly, gently, a slow caress of her lips with his own.
She stepped back and watched his eyes as she licked her lips, enjoying the fading warmth of his kiss. She smiled. “Take me home?”
“Are you sure?”
“No.”
A flicker of a smile played across his lips. “Me neither. Where?”
She smiled softly. “Same place we lived.”
He swallowed hard. He hadn’t intended for this to happen and it could go wrong in so many ways. “I don’t want to hurt you again.”
She stretched up to take his lips. “Then be gentle with me,” she breathed as the kiss dissolved.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
It was almost two, and Stella hated to call, but a promise was a promise.
“Everything go okay?” Connie asked, her voice thick and slow with sleep.
“I’m going home now,” Stella replied, not mentioning Gabriel was following close behind her car on his motorcycle.
“See you in the morning.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
It was a short drive to her apartment and he parked in the nearest available visitor spot. She was unlocking the apartment door when he
joined her. “It’s not too late to change your mind,” he murmured.
“I want to. Do you?”
He smiled, a smile she remembered so well. “More than you can possibly know.”
She pushed the door open and they stepped inside. She didn’t turn on any lights as she walked down the short hallway to the bedroom they once shared. He followed and, as they entered, she stopped, turned, and melted into his arms. “I didn’t know how much I missed you until tonight,” she said softly.