by J. Thorn
His dad pulled the car into the tight space at the side of the red-brick store. When they entered, Samuel’s dad turned right toward the lit glass display case, and Samuel had his hunch confirmed.
“Heya, Billy,” said his dad.
“Yo. Wutch yins lookin’ for?” Billy asked.
“A pocketknife. Something that’ll fit a boy, something he can kill a Commie with.”
Samuel’s dad looked down at his son with a wink.
“We’s got exactly what you need right over here.”
Billy the clerk waved toward the left end of the glass case, and before he could even begin the sales pitch, Samuel saw it. The knife sat there with both blades extended, fanned out like fingers on a hand. The mother-of-pearl on the handle met the polished, silver tips. It was not more than three inches in length, but it was the perfect size for a young man.
“Can I see that one, Dad?” Samuel asked.
Billy stooped and pulled a ring of keys from his belt. He produced several clicks and pops before the back of the display case slid to the right. His disembodied hand reached in and took the knife off the red velour covering the shelf. He stood and closed both blades, then handed it to Samuel’s dad.
“That model is called ‘the Scout,’ and it’s the last one left. Heard they ain’t got no more left in all of Western PA, they been sellin’ so good.”
“How much, Billy?”
The clerk looked to the ceiling and rubbed a hand across the stubble on his chin, producing a rat-like scratch.
“Listed for fifteen ninety-nine, but I can prolly get it to you for eleven.”
Samuel’s dad reached into his back pocket and removed his wallet. The cracked, brown leather was wrapped around a bulging mass of scrap paper and business cards. He opened it with both hands and used his forefinger to separate the tops of several bills.
“Son?”
Samuel had not stopped staring at the knife since the moment he saw it on display. All of the kids at St. Bernadette’s school had one, except him. They would circle up at recess and pull them out, far away from the eagle-eye vision of the nuns. Sometimes, a boy would unravel a lint-covered, wilting photograph cut from his father’s issue of Playboy, and sometimes another would reveal the crumbled remains of a cigarette filched from his mom’s soft pack of Marlboro Reds. But most of the time, it was knives. St. Bernadette’s and the surrounding public school districts all closed down the Monday after Thanksgiving for the first day of deer season. They kept the façade, the idea that most of the male students would go hunting with their fathers on this day. However, everyone knew that the teachers went, too. The pocketknife was the first indication of readiness. Even though Samuel and his chums would not be ready to take the Hunter’s Safety Course for another few years, the pocketknife served as public notice that they would.
“Samuel,” said his father, this time with more force.
“Yeah, Dad. That would be awesome. Really cool.”
His father nodded at the clerk.
“Lemme box that for ya.”
“Can I just put it in my pocket, Dad?”
Samuel felt his father’s hand ruffle his hair and then move to the middle of his back, where it guided him out of the store. Samuel did not even notice the transaction, the receipt, or the small talk between Billy and his father. He gripped the knife in his palm, and for the first time in his life, he felt like a man.
Still photographs rolled through Samuel’s head like a slideshow of his life. Each one brought a remembrance of the Scout pocketknife and how it had become part of him. Samuel always kept it in his right, front pocket, where it clattered together with loose change. Through his early teen years, Samuel had kept the knife clean and polished. He maintained the blade and would buff the mother-of-pearl inlay. He remembered losing the knife several times, the last time in college after a night of heavy drinking. He had to scour the basement of a frat house the morning after, in a haze of hangover, stale beer, and the occasional used condom. Samuel had found it next to the toilet. He rinsed it off in the sink and placed the Scout back in his pocket, where it belonged. The images shot across his mind, some lingering longer than others, until the procession slowed and finally stopped on one. It was a picture of Samuel in the funeral home, kneeling in front of his father’s coffin.
Samuel looked down at his father’s face while keeping his own stoic.
He felt a hand on his shoulder and turned to see his mother. She held a tissue in both hands and had given up on keeping her makeup in check. She opened her mouth, but no words came out, and she shook her head and gave Samuel a quick rub on the shoulder before turning to greet another distant relative, in town for the funeral.
Samuel blocked out the quiet sobbing and muffled laughter of those gathered in the room amidst the fragrant, arranged flowers, complete with ribbons strung across the front. He looked again at his dad’s face, forever asleep.
“I know you loved John more. It’s okay. You didn’t know what to do with a son like me. I’m not really sure how you managed. You and Mom struggled to understand what went on in my head, what the hell I wanted from life.”
He felt himself chuckle and turned to make sure his outburst did not garner attention from the rest of the family.
“I mean, even now, with you lying here dead, I don’t fit in. Nobody will approach me. But that’s fine. I’m not here to mend fences with Uncle Frank. I think you loved me. I mean, you did as any man loves his son, but I think there was a time when it was unconditional. You bought me the Scout. I didn’t deserve it. The deal was three hits, and I went 2-4. But you bought it anyway, and you bought it with your poker winnings. Mom wouldn’t have allowed that purchase to come from the family budget. Don’t think I don’t know that.”
He looked over his shoulder to confirm that the chasm of space still existed. None of the relatives would come near the coffin until he finished. None would risk a possible conversation with him.
“I wish we could have had this conversation before cancer got you, but I guess I’ll have to settle for it this way. I mean, I need to thank you. If I hadn’t been so different than you and Mom, my siblings, I would still be stuck living in the same shit-hole suburb, wasting my life away.”
He paused.
“Sorry. Even now, it’s hard for me not to take shots.”
Several relatives gathered near the table with the photographic collage and other remembrances.
“I’ll miss you, Dad. Even after everything we’ve been through, I’ll miss you.”
Samuel stood and shoved both hands into his front pockets. His right hand struck his phone and then the Scout. He wrapped his fingers around the pocketknife and held it in his palm. The tears created a wavering last image of his father in the casket.
“I want you to take it with you. You never know when you might need to open a package or cut a string in the afterlife.”
Samuel slid his hand into the casket and tucked the Scout underneath the edge of the satin pillow, where the head of his dead father would rest until the end of time.
***
Samuel shook his head as if to dislodge the cobwebs gathering inside, and he licked his lips, which felt dry as petrified wood. He glanced down at his palm and opened it. The knife remained, as real as the fingers grasping it.
Samuel did the only thing he could think of; he placed it in his right pocket, where it sunk into the familiar space. He felt the coolness of the object through thin fabric as it rested against his leg. He stood and used his hand to clear the surface of the window, revealing the original, gray landscape of the locality. The snowstorm and all of its fury were gone. Samuel could not find any evidence of it, and began to wonder if it had happened at all.
He looked around the cabin and noticed that it resembled the first cabin almost to the point of being identical. The stove, the food, the coffee, the clothing, the photographs hanging on the wall had all disappeared. Nothing remained but the chair, the table, the hard bunk, and a faint smell of bur
nt coffee beans.
Samuel opened the door and stood on the threshold of the cabin, which faced the western horizon. The advancing cloud loomed overhead, and the landscape sat in soundless solitude. He turned to face the east and recognized the path that he hoped would lead to the Barren. He was determined to reach it and survive, whether or not meeting Major there would really matter.
This cabin is clearly done with me, he thought.
With his rucksack full of a handful of meager belongings, Samuel set back off upon the path toward the Barren. He hiked for hours around the base of the mountain, putting the second cabin and its memories behind. Every so often, Samuel would thrust his hand into his front pocket and feel the pocketknife nuzzled there. He would shake his head, as if more surprised that it remained than that it had come back in the first place.
***
The pale, yellow flame caught his eye as it danced silently in the distance. Samuel sensed movement, but could not see anything around it. He hiked the path and realized it was close to night, based on the aches penetrating his muscles.
The fire grew in size as he went closer. After another hour of hiking, Samuel could discern the hot ash floating upward into the still trees.
“Anyone here?” he asked as the pack slid from his shoulder. He stretched his arms and looked around the camp. Before he could ask again, a figure pushed through the trees.
“You made it. So glad you didn’t veer from the path,” said Major.
Samuel cast his eyes down into the fire, avoiding Major’s.
“That fire. It makes things worse here.”
“I’ll take my chances,” replied Major.
Samuel sighed.
“What happened to you?” he asked.
“Duty.” Major shrugged. “The visitor I expected did not make it.”
Samuel shrugged his shoulders. “What happened to him?” he asked. The old man ignored Samuel’s question and stared into the fire. “I’ve been hiking all day. Can I rest?”
Major swept his arm across his body and dipped with an exaggerated bow.
“Mi casa, su casa,” he replied.
Samuel knew what he meant, even if he didn’t know how he knew it.
“I’m sure you’ll wake me when I need to get up,” he said to Major.
“I don’t think we have a lot of time to mess around. The cloud is coming east at a good clip. I was worried it might have pulled you under. It can do that, like those huge waves on the Atlantic seaboard. I remember standing in the surf, as a kid, thinking that they weren’t so scary, until the current tugged at your ankles on its way back out.”
“A few hours?” Samuel asked.
“One or two, if I can keep track. Then we’ve got to jump back on the path and get to the Barren.”
Samuel nodded and rubbed his eyes.
Major watched Samuel falling asleep. He tossed several twigs onto the fire before looking over his shoulder at the massive cloud inching closer.
***
Samuel felt a hand shake his shoulder. His leg hurt, and he could not feel his right foot. He opened his eyes and saw that Major had already moved away, kicking dirt onto the remaining coals of the fire. It was still dark, as it had been since the sky swallowed the last of the light over the eastern horizon.
“How long?”
Major shrugged. “How long what?”
“How long was I asleep?”
“I’m not really sure. The fire is burning differently now, too. If the Reversion is moving at the same pace at the Barren, we may already be too late.”
Samuel pulled himself upright and rubbed the pins and needles from his foot. “Too late for what?”
“Too late to slip.”
Samuel waited for an explanation. When Major remained silent, he pushed. “What’s a slip?” he asked.
“I think we should wait until—”
Samuel slammed his fist into the dirt. “I think you need to start filling me in right now. I don’t know where the hell I am. I don’t know who you are. I don’t remember shit. Some things disappear, and other things come back.”
“What did you say?” Major asked.
“I said you need to start—”
“No,” interrupted Major. “What did you say about things coming back?”
Samuel paused, disappointed his tirade had no effect on Major. “A pocketknife.”
“From where?”
“From my father’s casket, where I left it ten years ago.”
Major bent down, his knees creaking. He grabbed Samuel by the shoulders and stared at his face. “Do you still have it?” he asked in a hushed whisper.
Samuel nodded. He reached into his front pocket and gripped the contents. He opened his fist to reveal a paperclip and several coins, but no knife.
“I felt it just before I came into camp,” Samuel said, his words trailing as he brushed the dirt and leaves aside, expecting to find his knife where it had fallen from his pocket.
“It’s a reflection. It’s gone,” said Major.
“I had it with me during the hike.”
“Are you sure you had it?”
“I don’t know,” replied Samuel. “I guess I’m not sure of much, anymore.”
Major stood and rubbed his chin. He gathered a few items together and nodded at Samuel, instructing him to do the same.
“I’d feel better if we got back on the path, put some distance between us and the cloud. We can talk as we go. I’m guessing we’re a five- or six-hour hike from the Barren. I can explain a lot before we get there.”
Samuel brushed the dirt from his pants and put both hands to his ears as if trying to keep his head together.
“Whatever. I think it would be easier if I just ended it. I’m tired of dealing.”
“That’s what got you here in the first place. C’mon, let’s move. I still worry the cloud hasn’t gotten to all of the wolves yet.”
***
“Seven.”
“You’re exaggerating.”
“No, I’m not. Seven women.”
“At one time?”
Major smiled. The laugh lines in his face told Samuel that the man had enjoyed the finer indulgences in life.
“It was mostly me watching, but I jumped in when I could. Needed to recharge the battery a few times. Those little pills sure helped with that. The only problem was getting it back down. That’s where the whiskey on the rocks came in handy. I’d wake up and they’d all be gone. It would take my brain thirty or forty seconds to recalibrate, determine where the hell I was and what had happened the night before. I never remembered everything, but enough to know that the high-grade call girls don’t come cheap, and that I’d have some explaining to do to my accountant.”
Samuel pushed ahead as the path widened. He came up on Major’s right as they curved around the base of the mountain. The path descended with a gentle slope that Samuel assumed would empty them into the Barren. Samuel felt a renewed bounce in his step as he let the Reversion take a backseat to Major’s tale.
“How far back?” he asked Samuel.
“Huh?”
“Childhood? High School? The drug years? How far back do you want me to go?”
“How long until we reach the Barren?” asked Samuel.
“Long enough to get into the good stuff,” replied Major.
He pushed his headband up on his forehead and looked over a shoulder as if measuring the progress of the cloud advancing from the west.
“The path turns southwest for a bit before straightening out back to the east. Just want you to know that I’m not walking us straight into the cloud.”
Samuel nodded. He drew a deep breath and exhaled an exaggerated gust of air into the otherwise silent surroundings. “I can’t get used to the silence.”
Major smiled. He paused for a moment while his brain decided what he would share with Samuel. “We grew up in East Harlem, Spanish Harlem, before Clinton moved his office there and made it trendy again.”
Samuel frowned, b
ecoming impatient with his own memory. The names struck a familiar chord, like recognizing the face of a lost acquaintance but not remembering his name. He decided to let Major continue, and he hoped his memory would eventually catch up to fill in the gaps of the world he had once known.
“My dad was a son of a bitch. He’d come home from the corner bar and beat the shit out of my mom. My brother and I, we’d hide under our beds. Not because he didn’t know we were there. He knew. We stayed underneath it because he couldn’t get his barrel-chest far enough in to grab us. Anyway, my mom was from the barrio, and I don’t ever remember finding out how they hooked up. Quite a scene, right? Some pale, red-haired Irishman with a sassy, Latina girl on his arm.”
Samuel looked at Major’s face and saw the mix of cultures. The man’s nose was bulbous and red, but roots of black hair snuck out from under the ponytail.
“By the time I was sixteen, I was running with all the wrong folks. You know the story. You’ve heard it a dozen times. We’d break into bodegas and go right for the register. Later on, we’d even take a crack at those little ATMs shoved in the corner of the market. You remember those, the ones that would nail you with a five-dollar fee on top of what your bank would charge?”
Samuel sniffled.
“School sucked, and by the time I was seventeen, I’d had enough of the petty shit. I got greedy, just like everyone else. The subway stop at East 90th would provide us some sweet marks, the assholes that lived on the Upper East Side in their multi-million-dollar townhomes with iron bars on the doors and a blinking security pad at the front. We’d jump ’em and get the cash when they came out of the station. Not sure why so many got out on the wrong side of Broadway, but we’d make the most of it.
“Summer of ’88 I headed to the Jersey Shore with the guys in the crew. They had a few dago contacts in Atlantic City that were getting into the hooker and blow trades. Seemed like slapping bitches around was easier than risking a cuff in Manhattan. That’s when I first realized I had it.”
“Had what?” asked Samuel.
“The nose. I could smell deals a mile away. Drug deals at first, which I eventually turned into legit businesses, like used cars.”