Defect

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Defect Page 11

by Kerekes, Ryann


  “You’ve never asked about how I ended up here,” Wills says, pulling me from the moment.

  “Nope,” I say.

  “Aren’t you curious?” He shifts so he’s facing me. His eyes on me are too much. My cheeks flood with heat. I turn so I’m looking out into the woods.

  “Ah, not really. I heard you hold the record for staying in training for three years. The rest, I don’t really care about.”

  He nods, looking thoughtful, trying to find whatever it is I’m focused on in the woods. “Well, if you want to know, I’ll tell you. That way, there won’t be any secrets between us.”

  I turn toward him. “No. That’s okay; I don’t want to know. We’re more even this way.” I smile. “Since we don’t know what’s wrong with me … I don’t need to know what they found in you.”

  His face turns serious. “There is nothing wrong with you.” I’m quiet for a few seconds, considering his words. He is the only one here who believes that, and it’s nice to know there’s someone who thinks so. “Well, if you change your mind, the offer stands – you can always just ask,” he says.

  “Maybe instead you could tell me about your life before you came here,” I suggest, realizing I really don’t know much about him.

  “What do you want to know?”

  “Anything.”

  He’s quiet for a second, like it takes considerable effort to remember back to his life before this place. “I have a brother, Stephen, who’s fifteen. He’ll be getting his mindscan in a few months.”

  I nod, unsure what to say. I know if Stephen does get stuck here, Will will look out for him, just like he’s done for me. And suddenly, I know why Will had chosen to stay here rather than get assigned to another post. He’s waiting to see what happens with Stephen. The goodness I see in him, the strength he has – I now see it from a new angle. He’s doing it for his brother.

  I begin to understand Will’s – and even Kane’s – hardened exteriors a little more. This place makes you forget all the good stuff; you’re forced to leave your old life behind. But I’m starting to realize, if we let them take that from us – they win. And I don’t want to let them win.

  “You have siblings?” he asks.

  “No, it’s just my mom and me.”

  He’s quiet and I sense he wants me to continue, to fill the silence around us with the little time we have together. He clears his throat. “So, um, tell me about your mom.”

  I decide to trust him, and tell him the truth. “She wasn’t like normal mothers, but in a lot of ways, she was better. She had endless patience for playing games with me. One night we decorated the whole house in butterflies cut from tissue paper. We kept them up for a whole year, before we needed a change and redecorated with hearts.” I smile lightly at the memory.

  “But in other ways, she was hard to be around. She was distrustful of the government, though she would never say why. I still don’t understand why she wouldn’t have explained it to me. Maybe she just thought everything would turn out fine with me, and I’d never know her past.”

  “I’m sure she was doing what she thought was best for you.”

  “Maybe. Even the name she gave me – Eve – she chose from the bible story. Another strong woman who thought for herself, she’d said. And we all know how well that turned out.”

  He chuckles. “She sounds strong. Like you.”

  “I guess.” Before this place, I’d never thought of myself as strong, but now, I’m not sure what to think. I do what I have to do to survive. That’s all there is to it.

  “So you never knew your father?” he asks.

  “I didn’t even know his name until I came here.”

  He nods, a sad look in his eyes. It was uncommon to grow up without both parents, but I didn’t want his pity. I didn’t want him looking at me like there was something wrong with me.

  “I used to ask about him,” I explained. “But it made my mom sad, so eventually I stopped asking. Since my mom wouldn’t talk about him, I used to make things up about him.”

  He glances my direction, raising an eyebrow. “Like what?”

  “I imagined that he liked to jog first thing in the morning. And that he would make scrambled eggs when he got back and quiz me on my homework before school.” I smiled at the memory. “You probably think that’s strange.”

  “No. Not at all.” He bumps his knee against mine, and I can tell he’s telling the truth. We sit in silence for several minutes, listening to the sound of branches swaying in the light breeze.

  Will looks down, and though he’s trying to be subtle, I can tell he’s checking his watch.

  “Do you have to get going?” I don’t mean for it to happen, but there’s disappointment in my voice.

  “I can probably stay a little longer.”

  I’m not sure which of us moved, but before long, we’re sitting closer, trying to draw body heat from each other. Though I’m sure it’s painfully obvious what I’m trying to do, I inch just a fraction closer. “I guess it is kind of cold out here.”

  “Yeah.” He rubs his hands together. “Here, give me your hands.” I hold them out and he takes them, pressing my hands in between his. They completely enclose mine, and I warm up quicker than I would have thought possible. “That better?” he asks.

  I don’t trust my voice to answer, so I nod.

  We’re quiet for a few minutes, looking out at the darkened forest. Will eventually breaks the silence. “Do you ever wonder if there’s more to all this?”

  Surely he doesn’t mean this life we have here. It feels like a dangerous conversation to have, even whispered in the darkened woods.

  I let myself entertain the possibilities of his question. “Before I ended up here, no. I was probably more excited than most to get my mindscan – coming to the bright, shiny compound on my birthday – it felt incredibly normal, like something you could count on, you know?” He doesn’t respond. ”But now, I’m starting to question it, too,” I whisper.

  He looks over at me. He doesn’t take a quick glance and turn back to the woods like I expect. He just continues watching me. I grow uneasy under his gaze and shift on the log. Something in the woods makes a sound, drawing his attention away from me.

  “Sometimes I want to be different,” he says. “To be … stronger.”

  “You’re the strongest person here.” Now I’m the one staring at him, trying to understand what he means.

  “No, I don’t mean physical strength. I mean thinking for myself, doing what I want instead of what they tell me.”

  My stomach clenches as his low voice washes over me. I feel the same way, even though I’m afraid to admit it. I need to be a soldier. There’s no time to feel anything else, but I want what he does – to be strong enough to have both. Strong enough to compete here yet brave enough to be soft and vulnerable, too. My mother’s words come back to me then, as if whispered from the moon. They can only take what you give them.

  Will picks up a twig from the ground and twirls it between his fingers. “I thought I turned off all the feeling in me a long time ago. But seeing what they did to you …” He doesn’t finish.

  I swallow and press my hands together. I’m speechless, unsure what to do, what to say, what to even think.

  Will looks down, suddenly uncertain. I’m not sure if it’s because I want to be strong like he does, but I slide over just a fraction toward him. “You can come closer.” He lifts one arm, and without thinking, I slide under it, letting him pull me snugly to his side.

  I lean my head against his chest and feel it rise and fall as he breathes, his heart keeping beat with mine. It’s hard not to notice that I fit perfectly in the crook of his arm, my head nestled under his chin. His body heat instantly warms me up.

  I fold my hands in my lap and run my finger along the chip – ever present, always reminding me of my fate, even when good things are happening. “I know we have the chips and all that, but how come they do this test outside the fence?”

  “We’r
e not really outside the fence.” I look at him trying to figure out what he means. “The whole city is fenced,” he says.

  I nod. “Yeah, I mean that goes without saying.” I guess I just take for granted that towns and cities throughout the country are fenced in to protect us from the Radicals. I’ve never given it much thought, but now I find myself wondering why people would have fled during the Medical Revolution rather than get a mindscan. And though it isn’t common, occasionally there are news stories about fifteen-year-olds escaping over the fence. It shocks me how little I know. Growing up, I was never the least bit curious about life on the other side of the fence, where life amongst the Radicals was surely rampant with crime. But now, after my freedoms have been stripped away, nothing intrigues me more. “Will?”

  “Yeah?” His face is so close to mine, I can feel his warm breath on my cheek.

  “What’s beyond the fence?”

  He stiffens and pulls back from me just slightly. His eyes are serious and scan mine. I hope I haven’t said something wrong. “Shh. Get some rest.”

  I let my eyes close, too tired to argue and drift asleep against him.

  ***

  A little while later, Will is shaking my shoulder, waking me up. “Eve,” he whispers. His breath escapes in a puff against the chilly night air.

  I sit up and look at him.

  “I’ve got to get going.”

  “Okay. Thanks for finding me tonight.” I can’t imagine I would have gotten any rest if he hadn’t.

  “I, um, need my jacket back.”

  Oh. I look down and realize I’m wearing it like a blanket; it’s so big on me.

  “I would let you keep it, but I just don’t think it’ll be good if you get back in the morning wearing it.”

  “Oh, yeah, of course. Here.” I hand it to him. “Got any advice for getting out of here?” I ask as he shrugs into it.

  “You’re going the right way, and you’re not far now.” He takes one last, long look at me and turns to leave. I watch him go, realizing he didn’t give me any advice. He just told me what I already knew, like he believes I don’t need any help getting out of here.

  Chapter 17

  Even though it’s still dark and my body’s stiff and exhausted, I need to get moving. Knowing I was in first place last night, and unsure if anyone has surpassed me in the night, I pack up my bag and take off.

  I eat the apple while I walk and when my legs are warmed up, I begin to jog. Though I couldn’t tell last night in the darkness, this area looks familiar. I’ve been here before. I push myself ahead, though my legs do little more than shuffle along.

  I jog into the field surrounding the compound just as dawn is breaking. O’Donovan and an unfamiliar man in a black trench coat are waiting for me. I know I must look crazy as I half-jog, half-limp up to them. They wait calmly for me to approach, like they’re expecting me.

  When I get close, they stop talking and just watch me hobble over the last few steps. “Eve Sterling, the wonder girl,” O’Donovan says with heavy sarcasm. “Always undermining our expectations.”

  “This is her?” the other man asks, his voice gravelly.

  “The one and only,” O’Donovan says. They both eye me cautiously. I feel like an animal escaped from the zoo.

  “Am I the first one back?” I ask.

  “You are. And according to the radar, by a long margin,” O’Donovan says. “Why don’t you go hit the showers?”

  There are no congratulations offered for winning the challenge, no compliments on a job well done and no apologies for unleashing a hungry wolf on me. I slink into the building, too tired to feel as angry as I should.

  ***

  It’s strangely quiet with the challenge still underway, so after showering, I decide that I need to use this rare free time to find Rena.

  I walk through the open hallways and see a light glowing ahead – the supply room. I stop at the desk and ask the woman working if she knows where I might find Rena.

  She looks me over, her eyes narrowing with suspicion.

  “I’m supposed to find her. Something about needing additional help with the knives.” I hold up my cut hand.

  She winces. “You certainly do.” She directs me down the hall to the administrator’s wing and to Rena’s room.

  A few minutes later, I’m knocking on the door to Rena’s dorm room. I know Will’s is around here somewhere, but I can’t be distracted by thoughts of him right now. When Rena opens the door, I hold up my injured hand, hoping the line will work on her, too. “I guess I need some remedial training with the knives.” I smile.

  “That’s not why you’re here, and we both know it,” her voice is sharp. She looks past me, down the hall. It’s empty. “Come inside.” She closes the door behind me. Her room is just like Will’s – a narrow bed, single locker and no personal effects.

  “What did I tell you?” she asks.

  I don’t answer.

  “To be careful,” she says slowly. “And instead, you’re the talk of the capital.”

  At this, I tilt my head.

  “I know you won the challenge this morning – everyone does. You must do a better job at blending in. You’re flaunting their failure with you right in their faces. And trust me, people are noticing.”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I want so badly to prove to myself and to them that I could do this, that I could become a soldier, but now it seems I’ve done the wrong thing. Again.

  She takes my hand and looks over the wound, letting out a tsk sound. She pulls me over to her locker and begins cleaning and bandaging my hand. She has a well-stocked first-aid kit. I guess that goes with the territory when you work with weapons like she does.

  “Rena, I need to talk to you.”

  “You shouldn’t be here,” she snaps, even as she gently wraps my hand.

  I pull my hand back before she finishes. “I need information. Will you help me or not?”

  She takes my hand again. “What is it?” Her voice is softer this time.

  I take a deep breath. “I need to know what’s going on, why they’re out for me, who my parents are, why I failed the mindscan.” Though I didn’t mean to, all the questions tumble from my mouth at once.

  She holds up one hand, as if to stop me. “I’ll help you – but I’m afraid you’re asking about things I don’t know.” She finishes bandaging my hand and lets it fall to my side. “I don’t know why you failed the mindscan. Something in you refused to submit – refused to give in to their will. Most people don’t think like that anymore.”

  Maybe I’m more like my mother than I realized.

  “Listen,” she continues, rubbing the back of her neck. “The talk in the capital is changing. People are questioning the mindscan process, wanting to know more about how it works, why its side effect is the calm, peaceful attitude. The government won’t provide any answers. And this talk, coupled with your refusal to give in, it’s not good, Eve.” She sits down on the edge of her bed, but still poised for something to happen. “What I’m trying to say is, it could be very dangerous for you.” Her voice lowers. “They’ll kill you if you make them.”

  I release a slow breath I didn’t know I was holding. My mind can barely process what she says. I am one inconsequential sixteen-year-old girl, why would the capital care about me? But after I’ve seen the interest they take in me here at the compound, maybe it’s not so hard to believe. I know I don’t have long with Rena, and I have many more questions. “What do you know about my father?”

  “He was handsome, young, brilliant and kind.” She smiles lightly. “He never had a mindscan, you know. His research was cutting edge, and he showed such promise from a young age – they didn’t want to do anything to his brain that might interfere with that.”

  Now I’m completely confused. I didn’t know such a thing was possible. Everyone is given a mindscan.

  Her voice gets quieter. “Some of the government officials aren’t submitted to them either. Somethi
ng else they don’t want you to know.”

  Her words stun me, but I press on. “Rena, what became of my father?”

  She looks down. “He disappeared. I’m sorry, that’s all I know. I don’t know if he was killed or if he truly got away.”

  “Got away? But where would he go?”

  “Beyond the fence,” she says in a whisper.

  Her words are still ringing in my head when she pushes me from the room saying I can’t be seen here.

  ***

  When I make it back outside, Drew, Bryce and Jake are all back, standing around trading stories, being congratulated by O’Donovan. I’m relieved to see trench coat guy is gone. I stand off to the side, hoping to not attract much attention, and watch for the next hour as a few others filter in through the field. Sam and Alex are amongst them. Sam’s smile beams out at me from a quarter mile away, and I eagerly wait as she approaches.

  “Well, imagine finding you here.” Sam pulls me into a one-armed hug and leans on me for support. I can tell she’s exhausted. She fingers my wet hair and gives it a sniff. “Why are you so clean?” I take a step back, and her stare deepens, her lips curling up in the corners. “So who won, Eve?”

  I look down and toe the dirt. “Um, I did.”

  “What? That’s amazing!” She pulls me in for a hug. “Alex, get over here. It’s just like we thought.” She points a finger over my head. “We got us a badass in the making over here.”

  Alex limps over. I can tell he’s hurt, but doesn’t want to call attention to it, especially in the presence of someone who just beat him. “Wow – that’s amazing, Eve.” He gives me a fist bump.

  “It’s really not that big of a deal,” I say.

  “Not a big deal?” her voice gets louder. “If you look up ‘big deal’ in the dictionary – there would be a picture of Eve and the caption would read, ‘yes folks, she’s kind of a big deal’.” Sam gives a playful slug to my shoulder, trying to get me to crack a smile. I can see some of the others are looking in our direction now, too. Somehow, word seems to have spread about the wolf, and whispers and looks of awe are being directed my way. O’Donovan looks anything but pleased. That’s the last thing I need.

 

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