Kai lifts Elliott to listen to his lungs, pressing his ear against the little guy’s chest and then murmuring sweet things. “You’re gonna be okay, buddy.”
My heart clenches in my chest. Kai is good at what he does, and for that I’m thankful. After lying Elliot back down on the bed, Kai reaches for the syringe I’ve set out. Neither of us comment that this is his last vile of penicillin. We both know Kai would give it to him even without the promise of more in the haul that arrived this morning. I hold Elliott’s little limp hand in mine, stroking the back of it with my thumb while Kai exposes his chunky thigh and gently administers the shot. Elliott’s eyes flutter open and find mine. I brush his blond curls back from his forehead. “Shh. Just rest now, sweet baby.” Elliott lets out a soft grunt and closes his eyes again.
I feel Kai watching me and when I meet his eyes, his expression is soft, reflecting wonder and kindness. I swallow roughly. “Is he going to be okay?”
Kai nods slowly, his eyes not leaving mine. My hands fumble to pack up Kai’s bag. When he watches me like that, like I’m the most interesting thing in the room, it makes my insides go all fluttery and I don’t know where to look or what to say. It’s not like Kai’s bad to look at, or hard to be around. He’s a sweet guy. He just isn’t Will and my mind won’t let me forget that. No matter how bad I might want to sometimes.
As if by unspoken agreement, we walk to the center of town in silence. We’re eager to see what the men have brought back, to hear of their journey, but for very different reasons. Kai gets excited about medicines, packages of bandages and I’m eager to hear what’s happening in the capital, to know the climate beyond the fence.
When we approach, Kai wanders to where the goods are being spread out and organized. He picks through the meager supplies and begins packing various things into his bag. I wander over to hear the men speak. Wilson is the unofficial leader of the group – he’s in his late fifties, but as vibrant and strong as a man half his age. He’s standing on an over-turned crate, speaking passionately before a small crowd.
“There are widespread riots and unrest in the capital and surrounding areas.”
My stomach drops to my feet as I think of Will, Rena and my friends.
“We traded for more weapons this trip as a precautionary measure,” Wilson continues. Murmurs and rumblings in the crowd erupt. Wilson raises his hands, quieting the group. “Mostly knives. We must be prepared.” The whispers subside slightly, and I see women clutch at their men’s hands, mouths pressed into tight lines and emotions running high. Kai walks over, joining me, the bag on his back having grown considerably.
Wilson steps down from the crate, waving his arms to disperse the crowd. “We’ll be making a return journey to stockpile again. Things are too unstable to wait.”
Trips to the fence are made once or twice per year, not twice within as many weeks. It’s a long and dangerous journey. To send men back so quickly must mean something more is going on than Wilson’s saying. But he wanders away, his shoulders heavy with worry.
Chapter 31
“I got you something,” Kai says, his voice soft.
I’ve been sitting in the same spot since we returned home, staring vacantly out the window.
I turn and watch Kai carry a package wrapped in brown paper towards me. It’s been a long time since someone’s given me a wrapped gift. Since my sixteenth birthday, actually, which is nearing a year ago now. “I figured you could use a few things of your own, so I had Stone find me what I was looking for.”
Kai’s kindness is too much. Asking for specific items on a journey to the fence is expensive. I wonder what he had to trade to get this for me. Kai doesn’t have much to barter with, his home is very sparse, his own wardrobe just a few pairs of cargo pants and cotton shirts. We always have enough to eat, but just barely. I don’t like the thought that he’s going without to give me something.
The brown paper crinkles in my hands as I stare down at the offending package. It’s soft, so I know it won’t contain tools to hunt or fish with – the things I want most. I think of the gifts Will surprised me with a time or two – they were usually weapons. Something practical to protect myself with.
“Open it,” he commands.
I pull the yard of twine holding the package closed and open the paper. It’s a sweater made of dyed navy blue wool and appears to be my size. I’ve never held something quite so soft.
“Cause you’re always cold,” he says.
“Thank you.”
“There’s something else too.”
Nestled under the sweater are several pairs of underpants. The government-issued-used-to-be-white-and-are-now-gray-underpants I used to wear. My chest gets tight.
“You know I’m fine with sharing, but you can’t exactly wear my boxer shorts.” His smile is shy, unsure and his cheeks are slightly flushed.
I don’t mention that after my last pair became too full of holes, I’d stopped wearing panties altogether a couple of weeks ago.
“Thank you,” I say again. Without another word, I carry my gifts to my room and stuff them in a drawer before curling up on the bed.
Several minutes later, Kai taps lightly on the door. “Eve?”
I remain quiet, knowing he’ll just come in anyways. Kai crosses the room and sits on the edge of the bed, the mattress dipping under this weight. He places a hand on the center of my back, rubbing slow languid circles. “Are you okay?” he whispers.
“Fine.” I nod. I look up into his eyes, which are deep blue pools of worry. I’ve come so far since he first met me, but I know he wants more. He wants to be the one to make me whole again. I just don’t think that’s possible.
He continues rubbing my back and I let him. It feels nice. “You should come out and eat something.”
I shake my head. “Not hungry.”
Kai frowns. “Are you going to bed for the night?”
It’s hardly dark out. I shrug. I just want to lie here. I don’t care what happens next.
Kai gets quiet and his hand stills on my back. “Can I stay here with you at least?”
“Sure.” It’s his house after all.
Kai lies on his side next to me, stretching his body along the length of the mattress so we’re just a foot apart.
“I’m sorry if my gifts upset you,” he whispers.
“They didn’t. I said thank you.”
He nods. “I know. I just…wish I could do something to make you better. You’re the only one I can’t seem to heal.” I’ve feared this talk was coming for some time. Still, I feel unprepared for what to say, for how to handle it.
He lightly strokes my cheek, his firm hand cupping my jaw, his blue eyes wearing down my defenses. No one’s touched me this way since Will, and it feels…good, familiar. It shouldn’t, but it does.
“I could give you things…I could make you forget him.”
I don’t argue, I don’t disagree. I don’t want to tell Kai that there’s no hope of me ever forgetting Will. But maybe I’m just selfish enough to let him try. Disposing of some of this heaviness in my chest would be a welcome reprieve. “Kai…” my whisper dies on my lips.
“Let me try.” His eyes move to my lips and he leans in closer. I don’t move, I don’t resist, I just let him touch his lips to mine.
The kiss is soft, gentle and his breath is warm against my lips. He moves his mouth against mine and I open for him, letting him taste, letting him try. His kiss is effective at distracting me, if only momentarily, because seconds later, guilt floods my system and I pull away. “Kai.”
Startled blue eyes meet mine.
“Can you just lay with me?” I ask.
He nods, blows out the candle burning beside my bed and wraps me in his arms.
Chapter 32
In the morning, the smell of frying bacon wakes me. I slept well with Kai in my bed last night, and I don’t want to examine that little fact, so I stretch and climb out of bed, letting my nose guide me. We both went to bed without dinner las
t night, and it seems Kai’s stomach has woken him early too.
Kai is standing shirtless at the kitchen table, sliding strips of thick-cut cured bacon onto two plates, but stops when he sees me. “Hi.”
“Hi.”
“You hungry?” he asks.
I nod and sit down, letting him fix my plate. He often tries to give me more food than he gives himself, and complains about how I don’t eat enough. But today he’s given us each one lumpy biscuit and an equal number of bacon strips. A mug of hot water steams beside my plate and he adds a pinch of herbs. “Thanks,” I mumble and begin eating.
Kai throws a shirt on over his head before joining me at the table and we eat in silence. In the harsh light of the morning, I know it wasn’t a good idea to let him kiss me. But I also know I probably wouldn’t stop it if it happened again.
I take a sip of the weak tea, which Kai has prepared just how I like. It’s impossible not to see the parallel between how I once relied on Will and now rely on Kai. He has skills that I use to meet my needs, which I know sounds terrible. Dark questions stir inside me – is that all I had with Will too? Will taught me, took care of me and helped me. That’s what Kai’s doing now. I watch him eat and cast an occasional smile or glance my way.
I pick at my food. I’m not sure if I’m a monster, incapable of love, only using those around me for my own needs, but the thought is sobering. And the jagged scar on my wrist is a constant reminder of both Will and Kai. One boy cut me open, the other boy stitched me up. I wish I could rely on myself, take care of myself and not get involved, but Kai is persistent and very kind. And living in his house makes it impossible to ignore that he has feelings for me. I see the desire radiating in his eyes, the care in his gentle touches, the concern in his words and of course the unspoken compassion he provides in meals, shelter, and clothing. It’s a lot to digest.
That night we learn there is to be a village-wide meeting in the town’s center. It’s a semi-regular occurrence, but this will be my first time attending. The springtime air is chilly after dark and after my bath, I dress in the sweater Kai got me. It fits perfect and smells clean. When he sees me emerge from my room, he stops and watches me approach.
“It fits,” he murmurs.
I nod.
“Come here.”
I walk directly into Kai’s arms and let him pull me to his chest in a firm hug. Now that I’ve let myself cross the physical barrier with him, I seem to crave the contact, the closeness his arms can provide. Kai sighs contentedly, gives me a final squeeze, then releases me. “Ready?”
“As I’ll ever be.”
We slip on our shoes and make the trek to the center of town. A large bonfire burns in the pit and people stand around talking quietly. I’m happy to see Fern and Eli chasing around an energetic Elliott. But rather than going to talk to them with Kai, I drift over towards Sage, who’s sitting alone on a bench near the fire. I feel more of an alliance to her than anyone else here. She took me in and stuck up for me when the others were still weary and distrusting of the girl marked like a Defect.
She glances my way when I sit down next to her and simply nods. She’s a woman of few words, which I appreciate. She takes a closer look, noticing my sweater. “That’s new. It looks nice on you.”
I look down at my shoes. “Thanks. Kai got it for me.”
Her eyebrows raise. “You need to be careful with him.”
I stare back at her, confused. What does she think is happening between me and him? And how does she always seem to know things before I do?
Wilson steps into the center of our gathering, the fire behind him making him seem bigger and more ominous. Stone, the much younger second in command stands off to the side, and everyone takes their seats, knowing we’re about to begin.
Wilson explains the true reason for the second hasty mission to the fence. There is an uprising happening inside the compound walls and their ability to get more supplies is likely to be severely diminished as time progresses. They wanted to stockpile while they are still able. Wilson explains the Defects are planning a takeover from the capital, to stop the mindscans, to free everyone from the tyranny.
Stone steps forward against murmurings in the crowd. “We’re not in complete agreement here, but there are a few of us who think we should get involved.”
I lean forward on my seat, and notice Sage perks up too.
Stone continues. “Some of us have family, friends, ancestors inside the fence.” A few heads nod around me. “Others think we should worry about ourselves, just live our own lives, and not put ourselves in harm’s way.”
A male voice rings out from across the bonfire. “What could we contribute? We don’t have weapons like the other side does.”
The camp is divided – some think we should get involved in the uprising –join the other side and end this segregation once and for all. Others want to carry on with their peaceful lives here.
Wilson steps forward again. “Things are changing around us. We’ve survived at this little outpost better than expected, but this could be our chance. Our chance to make sure our children have access to the medicines and education and life they deserve. To take back everything the capital stole when they instituted the mindscan.”
Several people cheer their encouragement for his words.
Stone and Wilson stand together. “We’re organizing a party of men who will stand and fight with us. When the others arrive with the remainder of the supplies and more news of the political climate, we’ll head out.”
Upon this news, some remain stoic, other stand and shout, and some quietly sob. I’m too shocked to even react.
“The capital isn’t going to listen to a bunch of Defects and a handful of misfit Radicals. Get real. We’d have no upper hand, it’d be like walking into our own execution,” someone says.
I stand up, my legs shaking and step forward. “I know a way to get the capitol to listen.”
Heads turn in my direction, but I look to Kai to measure his reaction. His mouth has dropped open and he’s silently shaking his head no. Sage’s knowing smile makes me think she knew I would do something like this all along.
“I escaped the threat of the capital wanting to execute me. They planned to make it look like an accident.” The intake of breath around me only fortifies me to continue. “With the promise of being able to capture me – the officials will have to meet with us, to hear us out. And I know with all the public fanfare, they won’t kill me. There would be an uprising.”
Of course my true motivation is much different than they might suspect. Sage sees right through me, and I’m pretty sure Kai does too. I might be walking into my own demise, but where Will is concerned, my curiosity’s too strong. A pack of wolves couldn’t hold me back from their expedition. Hope blooms in my chest for the first time in six months. I could find my mother, I could see Will, and Rena…
“Out of the question. A woman is a liability,” Wilson says.
Stone stands, coming to my aid. “You’ve seen Eve with a weapon. She’s a better shot than most of our men. She’s had training – she knows her way around at the compound. We’d be foolish not to bring her.”
Wilson merely grunts and gives a nod. Too stunned to speak, too scared to move, I stand there in absolute awe, silently thanking Stone for coming to my rescue.
Chapter 33
Kai is not happy with me. He hasn’t said anything beyond what’s absolutely required to me in six days. There have been no more hugs, no more kisses and I couldn’t care less. I am going home. Well, whatever is left of my home. Kai doesn’t understand…I couldn’t not go. I’m sick with worry over what I’ve learned. Things are worse than ever, and even if I’m safe here, my mom, my friends are not.
But ever the good guy that he is, Kai gets me to eat, fusses over me, and continues taking care of me in his quiet way.
I pack my bag in silence, adding the clothes Kai bartered away his own meager possessions to get for me.
He enters my room a
nd hands me several biscuits wrapped in a dishcloth. “Here. Take these.”
I nod and accept the food. It would be foolish to refuse. I’ll have to eat on the journey. I wish I could find the words to sufficiently thank Kai, to explain to him why I need to do this, but I know it’ll come out wrong, so I remain quiet.
We spend our last night silently sitting in front of the fireplace, the logs popping and crackling are the only sounds in the entire house. It’s a nice cabin, and I know I’ll miss its comforts when I’m travelling for the next ten days.
Kai rises from his chair and stretches his arms over his head, his shirt lifting over his abs with the movement. He catches me watching and I drop my gaze to the floor.
“It’s getting late,” he says.
I nod. “Yeah.” Since I have no idea how to say goodbye, I don’t. I just hold out my hand and Kai accepts it, lacing his fingers with mine. I tug him towards my room and wordlessly, he follows. There’s no sense in pretending I didn’t get a great night’s sleep in his arms the last time, and I know he’ll take any chance he can to be close to me. If that makes me a bad person, so be it.
Once we’re in bed, I let him kiss me a few times, and it’s nice, but it doesn’t heat my skin and make me want more. After a little while, Kai plants his face in the crook of my neck and inhales, releasing his breath slowly. “Goodnight,” he whispers.
“Goodnight, Kai,” I whisper back.
In the morning, I’m up and gone before Kai is even awake. I tiptoed from the room, leaving him asleep in my bed and have joined the twelve men at our meeting point on the edge of the village.
The men are quiet, and the mood is somber. Just as we’re setting off, shouts ring in the distance.
“Wait!”
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