‘Look, Clarrie, if I’m willing to risk it, I don’t see why you aren’t,’ he said, sounding both tender and impatient. ‘You think I want to lose you any more than you want to lose me? You think I want a big, fat hole where you used to be, the – I mean, when it comes right down to it, the love of my bloody life? If I didn’t know it could work for us, if I didn’t want to be with you so much it hurts then I’d never have asked you out in the first place.’
‘Si…’ She reached up to draw soft fingers over his face. ‘I’m so sorry. So sorry.’
‘Be with me.’ He folded her into his arms. ‘Be with me tonight, all of you. Don’t worry about anything. Let’s just enjoy this, each other, and in the morning we can talk about what comes next. Okay?’
‘Yes, Si. I love you.’
Simon hugged her tightly to him for a moment, breathing her in.
‘Stay like that,’ he whispered after he’d embraced her a little while. ‘I want to look at you.’
She lay back on the bed, smiling, while he kneeled up and ran appreciative eyes along her naked body.
‘Well?’ she said. ‘Is this what you imagined when you used to sit behind me in Biology?’
He laughed. ‘I think back then I probably imagined you with the figure of a Playboy model and breasts the size of basketballs.’
‘Oh right. Ta very much.’
He ran gentle fingertips along her slender frame. ‘This is so much better,’ he breathed, bringing his lips onto hers.
‘You now,’ Clarrie whispered when he drew back. ‘Clothes off and let me see you.’
‘Are you not going to take them off for me?’
‘No, I’m going to watch.’
Simon grinned. ‘Lady pervert.’
‘That’s me.’
He stood and stripped out of his shirt, socks and jeans, finally sliding down his black boxers and standing before her completely naked. His lips curved as he read her expression.
‘Not bad, right?’
She beckoned him to her. ‘Come here, Si. I want to touch you.’
He lay down next to her, leaning up on his elbow. She ran her fingertips over his smooth, firm chest, into the grooves of his stomach; dragged her fingers lightly along his inner thigh and up the full length of his erection.
‘Not going to tell me to get over myself today?’ he asked softly.
‘Not this time,’ she murmured. ‘Christ, you’re gorgeous, aren’t you? You used to be so skinny…’
She guided him onto his back and swung herself over so she was straddling him. Slipping down, she pressed her lips against the sleek, muscular skin of his stomach; dusted little kisses all the way to his hip. She traced the outline of the lightbulb tattooed there with one fingertip and heard him groan as she drew her tongue along the bone of his pelvis.
Suddenly Si put his hands on her hips and rolled her over so he was on top.
‘Sorry, love. Change of plan.’
‘You don’t like it?’
‘Course I do. Got something I want to do.’
‘What?’
He lowered his voice to a whisper. ‘Want to taste you. Can I, Clar?’
Clarrie felt the muscles below her stomach tremble. She gave a tiny nod.
‘You do whatever you want, Simon.’
He reached up to stroke her cheek. ‘Lie still for me then.’
He moved down her body, leaving a trail of hot little kisses as he went: between her breasts, around her belly button, along the depression across her tummy left by the elastic of her knickers.
His nose brushed against her as he kissed across her waist and she felt him inhale. He gave a tiny moan when he caught her scent, the musky, rich aroma of arousal, and because she knew he liked it and because she couldn’t help it, not any more, Clarrie moaned too.
‘Oh God, you don’t know what it does to me when you make that noise.’ He glanced up at her, eyes twinkling. ‘Bet you I can turn up the volume.’
‘What do you bet me this time?’
‘Another orgasm, for a start.’ He grinned. ‘Come on, kiddo. Let’s see if we can make the neighbours bang the wall.’
Clarrie’s breath caught in her throat as Si plunged his face into the wet, waiting heat between her legs. She bit down hard when she felt his rough tongue spiral her; his lips suck lightly against her; the tip of his nose nestle into soft flesh.
He pulled back and reached up to free her imprisoned lower lip with his finger.
‘Why’d you stop?’ she panted.
‘Want more?’
‘Yes… yes, Si…’
‘Then no cheating. Leave that lip where it is, I want to hear you.’
‘I promise. Do it some more, please.’
He nuzzled into her again, teasing her with slow, broad strokes of his tongue then flickering the tip against her. His fingers pushed against her inner thighs, holding her legs apart.
She tried to swallow her moans, to make it last, but her body was determined to rebel. She could feel it rise and fall, her hips bucking towards his hot mouth. She gripped her pillow in a white-knuckled fist, massaging Simon’s hair with her other hand.
‘Ah… no,’ she gasped as he pulled away again.
‘Tell me when, Clarrie.’
‘Whatever you want, just don’t stop, not now…’
She groaned with relief as he pushed his fluttering tongue back into her. He slid one hand up the inside of her thigh, his thumb tip joining the teasing mouth to caress her past the point of no return.
‘Simon… oh God… now…’
Si drew away, breathless and flushed, and slid back up her body as an intense orgasm claimed her: wicked, delicious and sweet as hell, just like the man who’d given it to her. She held him tightly, pushed down on his firm buttocks, as if she could pulse that thrilling pain from her body into his.
When it was over, her eyes flickered open to find Si looking intently into her face.
‘That has to be, without competition, the most beautiful thing I’ve ever had the privilege of watching,’ he said softly. He stroked his fingers down her cheek. ‘You okay?’
She didn’t answer: just lay, panting heavily, the pillow behind her head still gripped in one fist.
‘Clar?’
‘Just… give me a second.’
When she’d got her breath she kissed him, seeking out that taunting tongue and rolling it against hers.
‘Right, your turn now,’ she said when she drew back.
‘Well, if you insist.’ He nodded to his discarded jeans on the floor. ‘Want to do the honours? Back pocket.’
Straddling him, Clarrie leaned over and retrieved the condom packet nestled in his wallet, trying not to think about who it might have been for if he hadn’t come home with her that night. She reached down to roll it onto the solid erection pressed between her thighs.
She leaned forward to kiss him and moaned onto his lips as she guided him inside her, the snug fist of her body gripping his.
‘Clarrie,’ he gasped when he felt them join. ‘You know how long I’ve wanted to feel that?’
‘Me too. Me too, Si,’ she murmured, rocking her hips gently.
Si raised himself into a sitting position and grabbed her ankles to wrap them round his back. He slid his hands to her buttocks, groaning as he pushed himself deeper.
They rose and fell harmoniously together, their rhythm growing faster by degrees, instinct guiding them with the natural telepathy of old friends and new lovers towards an endpoint.
‘Tell me you love me,’ Si panted brokenly into her ear.
‘I love you, Simon.’
‘You mean it?’
‘Yes… God, yes, I bloody mean it…’
‘Again.’
‘It’s you, Si, no one else. Always… always just you.’
‘Always… promise me?’
‘I promise.’
‘Jesus Christ, Clar, that’s it, I’m done. Oh my… God!’ He gripped the back of her head and thrust hard into her, letting out
a deep groan of release as he gave in.
Clarrie cried out at the almost painful intensity of Si’s climax trembling through her. But her body wouldn’t be still, couldn’t stop, her hips crushing against him. She grabbed a handful of his hair as the now too-familiar throbs shot up from between her thighs.
Si gave a short, breathless laugh. ‘Three?’
‘Three…’
He pulled her down onto the bed and kissed her.
‘So I suppose you’re going to tell me not to get too cocky,’ he said softly when he drew back. He guided her off him so he could roll onto his side and dispose of the spent condom.
‘No,’ she panted. ‘A man who’s just given me three orgasms in a row’s earned the right to be as cocky as he damn well likes.’
‘You should give yourself a pat on the back too.’ He rolled back and folded her in his arms. ‘Laura Tindall’s got nothing on you.’
‘Can you not bring up your previous conquests right after sex, Simon Dewhirst?’
‘Ah, come on. Don’t pretend you’re not flattered.’
‘Maybe.’ Clarrie nestled into him and sighed. ‘God, I love you. I really do.’
‘I know you do.’ He kissed her forehead.
‘Thanks for coming back with me,’ she murmured, her eyes getting heavy. ‘You’ll stay, won’t you?’
‘Course. I love cuddling you when you’re asleep. In a strictly adorable and non-creepy way, I should add.’
‘That did sound a bit creepy.’
‘I love cuddling you when you’re awake as well though.’
‘Okay, then I’ll let you off.’ She stifled a yawn. ‘So you don’t smoke after sex then, like in the old films?’
Si grinned. ‘No, just sizzle a bit.’
She laughed. ‘Daft sod.’
‘Told you, I only smoke to get you all to myself.’ He snuggled her closer and tangled her naked limbs up with his. ‘Seem to have managed it pretty well on my own tonight, don’t I?’
She pushed her nose into his chest and wiggled it sleepily by way of a goodnight, too tired for another kiss. ‘Will you play with my hair while I go to sleep?’
‘Think I can manage that for you, as a reward for being such hot stuff in bed.’ He pushed his fingers into her hair and started twisting the strands between them.
‘’S’nice, Simon,’ she mumbled, her voice slurring with sleep.
He laughed. ‘Wore you out, didn’t I? Night, sweetheart. Talk in the morning, eh?’
‘Night, Si. Love… you.’ Clarrie let her eyes fall closed and drifted to sleep in the comforting post-coital Simoniness of his embrace.
28
Clarrie woke the next day still packed into Simon’s safe arms, free for once from her usual first-thing-in-the-morning stab of panic.
She nudged him awake. He blinked his eyes open and nestled his bed-ruffled head sleepily into her chest.
‘Morning, handsome,’ she whispered.
‘Morning, beautiful.’ He planted a kiss between her bare breasts. ‘Today feels different, doesn’t it?’
‘It does a bit.’
Si smiled up at her. ‘Knew I’d get to wake up with you as my girlfriend one day.’
But his brow furrowed when he caught the change in her expression, the too-familiar wince. ‘Oh no, Clarrie. No. You’re not going to – not after that. Last night, when you said… I mean, I thought—’
‘No, I… look, I just need a bit of processing time, okay? It’s a lot to take in all at once.’
‘God, I don’t believe you! You’re running scared again, aren’t you? I really thought this time – right, okay.’ He pushed himself up in bed and started ticking off points on his fingers. ‘Reasons you should go out with me. One: you love me. Two: I love you.’ He stopped to glare at her. ‘You know, for any normal girl that’d be enough.’
‘Well, as you’re so keen on telling me, I’m not normal, am I? Come back and snuggle, Si.’ She threw one arm over him but he pushed her away, scowling.
She sighed. ‘Bloody teachers, always have to be analysing things. You can’t just bask in the afterglow.’
‘Right, next,’ he said, ignoring her. ‘Three orgasms last night. That’s not bad going, is it?’
‘Actually it’s a record.’
‘Yeah?’ Si stopped counting on his fingers to look at her. ‘With someone or on your own?’
‘Both.’
‘Knockout, I can tell Sonny.’
‘You better not. I won’t have my orgasm tallies bandied around your gym, ta very much.’
‘Okay, while we’re on the subject, four.’ Si put up another finger. ‘The lust thing. As long as we’re mates, we’re going to be falling into bed with each other. Don’t pretend we can keep it to a one-off, we both know that’s not on the cards. And sex isn’t like Monopoly, Clar. It’s not a bloody hobby, for Christ’s sake.’
‘Since when? You’ve been treating it like a hobby since school.’
‘Not with you, not the way I feel about you. It’s not the same and you know it.’
‘Look, where are you going with this, Si?’
‘There’s a name for friends who sleep together, socialise and are in love with each other, Clarissa.’ Si flung her a significant look. ‘They call them couples.’
She shook her head. ‘That’s not what a couple is. A couple has plans. A future. There’s a path to follow that starts with a date and ends with a mortgage and a dog and two-point-four kids and a half-hearted blowjob every second Saturday after a trip to IKEA and a fucking – I don’t know, Volkswagen. And then, worst-case scenario, it ends with two people who used to be mates with nothing, nothing at all, to say to each other.’
‘Always light years ahead of yourself, aren’t you? Right here, right now in the sodding present, you want to be with me and I want to be with you. So let’s just do it and see where it goes.’
Clarrie pushed herself up in bed and turned to face him. ‘I want to. I do love you… God, so much. But I can’t help being terrified of what’ll happen if it doesn’t work out. Can you really not get that?’
‘No, Clarrie. No, I really, really can’t. I mean, shit, if me and you can’t make it work, out of everyone—’
Clarrie swallowed back a sob of panic. ‘Look, you know when it comes to relationships I’ve always been a boiling hot mess. What if I start to notice every little thing you do, like I did with Ed, until it gets unbearable? We’d never be able to go back to the way things were. I might’ve taken that risk with Darren. I can live my life without a Darren in it. If I’m going to take it with you… I have to be sure, Simon, one hundred per cent sure, that it’s forever. I have to have more time. Please.’
‘For Christ’s sake, Clar, you’ve known me twenty-two years. If you haven’t got a handle on what pisses you off about me by now—’
‘Look, if I fuck this one up I don’t just lose a boyfriend, I lose a best mate. All that comfortable feeling of being able to tell you anything, knowing you’re always there for me—’
‘And what if I’m not always there for you?’ Si was properly angry now, his dark eyes blazing. ‘I don’t exist solely for your bloody convenience, you know. What if I meet someone else and I’m not just there, hanging around, asking you out, hoping from here while fucking doomsday that you might finally get your head together and give me a shot? I mean, God! This has long stopped being a game now.’ He flung himself out of bed and started struggling into his clothes. ‘I knew you had some serious commitment issues thanks to your dad and your anxiety and Christ knows what else, and I’ve done my best to break through, really. But I’m starting to think your biggest issue is you just can’t let yourself be happy – or you can’t bring yourself to grow the fuck up.’
‘Si, just, stop a minute—’
‘No, Clarrie. No. It’s getting pathetic now. I’m getting pathetic waiting for you. I suppose I always thought I’d change your mind in the end, as long as I knew how you felt about me. And you were right, I did enjoy the chall
enge for a while, all those flirty games trying to convince you. Trying to win the bet. But…’ He buried his face in his hands and let out an anguished sob. ‘Oh, for fuck’s sake, Clar! It’s not funny any more. It’s not sexy. It’s just fucking – depressing. I don’t want to win a future from you, not now. I want you to choose one. And if you still won’t, even after last night… well, then there’s nothing else for us to say, is there?’
‘Simon, please, calm down. You’re scaring me.’ She put out a hand to him, but he shook her away.
‘No, love, not this time,’ he said, retrieving his t-shirt from the floor. ‘You win, it’s finished, all bets are off. I won’t ask you out again. If I can stand to bloody speak to you it’ll be as much as I can manage. Oh, and I quit the team, by the way. I’ll let you tell Gem and the lads for me.’
She tried to grab his arm, sobbing uncontrollably. ‘Si, please don’t leave it like this. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it. Go on, we can go out, any time you like. Just please, please don’t go.’
Fully dressed, Si sank down next to her on the bed. Suddenly he didn’t seem angry. He was crying though, salty trickles staining each cheekbone. He lifted her hand gently from his arm.
‘Sorry, kiddo. Too little, too late, too desperate. If you don’t really want it, I’m done fighting for it. It’s not healthy, not for either of us.’ His voice cracked. ‘Do you honestly think I could stand spending time with you but never really being with you, after this? Having to see you with someone else one day, maybe? It’s getting harder all the time, it has been for months.’ He pinched the bridge of his nose as if he was in pain. ‘A night like last night, then telling me I still can’t keep you – God! It’ll break my bloody heart in the end, it’ll kill me.’
‘Simon, please just let me—’ She was trying with a mindless desperation to embrace him, but he batted her hands away blindly.
‘I’m in too deep to do this any more, Clarrie. We’ve reached the end of the line, me and you; we’ve started ruining each other for other people and it can only get worse. And to quote a well-worn cliché, I’m getting too old for this shit.’
‘We can fix it, work it out… we can—’
‘No. Not this time. And if you really loved me, even just as a mate, you’d know better than to think I could hang around, feeling how you know I feel about you and never really having you.’ He choked back a sob. ‘I’m not bothered about a dog and a Volkswagen and whatever else was on the list but I do want a future. I wanted one with you. It’s pretty clear now you’re never going to want that, no matter how long I wait for you.’ He gathered his eyebrows together with a grim determination. ‘For the sake of my self-respect if nothing else, I need to get the hell out of this.’
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