“You didn’t answer the question, Gabe.”
He pushed back from the table. “No, I wasn’t pretending.” Why couldn’t she just accept what he was telling her and let them move on? Zoe reached out but he pulled back. If he allowed her to touch him, she would melt his resolve.
“Gabe, forget all the shouldn’ts and let loose. We can make this work together. Let yourself feel. Trust me enough to love you. I do. I have for a long time.”
He could hardly breathe. Was a truck running over his chest? One slight woman had a hold on his heart and was squeezing. “I’ve let things get out of hand. I knew this would happen. I shouldn’t be putting you through this. My patients will always come first. You don’t deserve that.”
“Don’t I get to decide that too? I understand you’re a doctor.”
“You shouldn’t have to. I want better for you.”
“Do you really? Or is that the excuse you’re using?” She paused then looked at him as if she’d realized something. “Oh, I get it. I’ve just been one in the long list of people you feel you need to help. Your patients, strangers in airports, your child. You took me in because you’re a good guy. That’s it. It has had nothing to do with loving me. It must be hard to carry all those needs of the world on your shoulders and still not let yourself feel. Such a burden.” Her tone dripped sarcasm. “How noble, and unnecessary. The problem is you do care. You know, Gabe, I would’ve never have thought you, of all people, would be running scared.”
Gabe jerked to his feet. He’d taken all he could. Right now he didn’t like her and liked himself even less. It must be this way. He loved her too much to fail her like her father had, and he would if they continued down the road they were traveling. The sudden need to get away clawed at him.
He’d had enough. Of Zoe. Of what could have been.
“We’re done here. I’m going to move to a hotel. I want you to stay here as planned until after the baby is born. Hell, keep the place, for all I care.” He stalked off.
Zoe called to his back as tears spilled, “I don’t need noble. I need your love.”
She had told Gabe the truth when she’d said she understood about that morning. It wasn’t as if he had chosen to watch a ball game over going with her. His surgical skills had been required. In her heart she’d known he would be there beside her if he could have been. Frustration rolled through her. Why couldn’t he see that?
What was she going to do now? Chase after him and beg him to reconsider? She couldn’t do that but she was living in his home. That couldn’t continue. She would have to find a place sooner than she’d planned. What about her mother? She wouldn’t survive a second move. Zoe would have to figure something out. To put Gabe out of his house would be wrong. Staying here without him would be just as impossible. The memories would be more than she could stand.
She picked up the dishes and carried them to the sink. The sound of the door to the carport opening and closing screamed that Gabe had left. Zoe’s hands covered her face and she let the tears of misery flow.
CHAPTER TEN
IT HAD BEEN two weeks since Gabe had driven out of the driveway, his intention to only return for clothes later. His contact with Zoe would only have to do with the baby after it was born. He couldn’t continue seeing her and keep his promise to stay away. He wasn’t even sure it wouldn’t be a good idea for him to sell the house when she moved out. Facing the memories might be more than he could manage. It would never be home again unless Zoe was there.
Just seeing her would make his resolve disappear like mist on a sunny day.
Gabe couldn’t imagine being more miserable than he had been over the last couple of weeks. He’d missed everything about what his life had once been and it all hinged on Zoe. The way she looked when he called her honey. Or her laughter as he told her something that had happened at work, the joy in her eyes when she’d heard Mr. Luther was doing well. The unconscious way she’d put a protective hand over their baby when they’d talked about it.
Shoving the take-out paper bag away, he groaned. He missed her delicious meals and their simple conversations. She’d been what had been absent in his life, and now that he’d had her, he wanted her back. His personal life was in a shambles.
It was starting to affect his work. The lack of sleep because he was living in a hotel and didn’t have Zoe was starting to take its toll. A couple of his coworkers had given him questioning looks when he said something too sharply. He tried to remember to think before he spoke but it didn’t always work.
It was Tuesday and his clinic day. He wasn’t looking forward to seeing the next patient. He lightly knocked on the door. A gruff voice called for him to come in. As he entered the small room, Gabe said, “Hello, Mr. Luther. How’re you doing?”
“Better. The scar doesn’t hurt as much as it used to.”
Gabe nodded. “Good. That sounds like you’re making progress.”
The man had only stayed a few days in ICU and had been out of the hospital in less than a week. Gabe had seen Zoe’s name beside notes on Mr. Luther’s chart a few times but Gabe hadn’t run into her. He couldn’t keep dodging her but he needed a little more time to adjust to what his life was now.
“I feel better than I have in years. My neighbors are taking good care of me.”
“I’m glad to hear that. I’m going to give you a good listen then look at the incision site.” A few minutes later Gabe said, “Every day you should be improving and you’re doing that. I’ll see you back here in a couple of weeks. Is there anything you have questions about?”
“Yeah. I’d like to know what you did to Zoe. She looks sad all the time.”
Gabe’s chest ached. Of course, Mr. Luther would notice. “How is she?”
“Why don’t you ask her yourself?”
“It’s complicated.” Gabe stepped toward the door.
“That’s what she said. One thing I’ve learned through all this is that life can slip away before you know it. Think about it, Doc.”
Gabe did regularly over the next few days. Still, he couldn’t see how things could be any different. For Zoe to find that man who could give her what she wanted, she couldn’t have Gabe hanging around. Even the idea of Zoe being with another man made him feel physically sick. Surely with time it would get easier, but so far that didn’t seem to be the case.
While in his office that evening, his phone rang. He looked at the ID. “Hi, Mom.”
“Hey, Gabe. I’ve not heard from you in a few weeks.”
“I’m sorry, Mom. I’ve been busy.” He sounded so much like his mother used to when he was a child, never having enough time when he wanted to talk.
“So how’s Zoe and the baby doing?”
“Fine.”
There was a pause. “What’s going on, Gabe?”
“Nothing I can’t handle.” He wished he felt as confident as he sounded.
“I’m here if you need me.”
She might have worked a lot when he had been a kid, but he’d always known she was there to support him. With or without a father, his mother had been there when she could be. “Mom, why did you never remarry?”
Again there was a pause. This one was longer than the last. “I guess I never found the right man. Your father was a hard act to follow. Then I just got too busy. I worry that you’re doing the same. I learned too late that you can’t make more time. Don’t let it slip by. Especially with the little guy coming.”
“I heard you say once that you were worried I had no father figure to model myself on.”
“I did?” Amazement was evident in her voice. “Single mothers worry about all kinds of things. Big and small. Gabe, you’re one of the most intelligent, caring, giving men I know. I have no doubt that my grandson will have the best father ever.”
A sense of relief came over Gabe. His mother believed in him. Hadn’t Zoe said close to the
same thing? So why couldn’t he believe in himself?
“By the way, I’m planning to come for the birth,” his mother added. “Help out. Is that okay?”
“I’ll have to check with Zoe.” He wasn’t prepared to go into all the details about his and Zoe’s relationship with his mother at that moment. He would have to sometime soon but he wasn’t up to explaining it right now. Even if his mother came, she’d have to stay in a hotel and see the baby through a window.
How was he going to explain what had happened between him and Zoe? His mother had been so excited when he’d told her he’d found someone special. When he told her he and Zoe were no longer together, his mother would be so disappointed. “It’s great to talk to you, Mom. I’ll see you soon.”
* * *
Zoe wasn’t sure her heart would ever completely recover. The pain she’d feared would come with the loss of Gabe was nowhere near as strong as that she was carrying now. Her days had become a foggy existence. Every night was a struggle without Gabe next to her and every morning an act of survival to meet the day. She had become reliant on him so quickly and now he wasn’t there.
Going home daily to Gabe’s house compounded the pain but she had no choice. She couldn’t move her mother, and the only way Zoe could afford a new place was to move her mother. So she was stuck living at Gabe’s. It seemed wrong that she was and he wasn’t. Her life had become so twisted. At least she’d just have to endure for a few more months. The only bright spot in the mess her life had become was that Will would arrive soon. That she could get excited about.
Had Gabe changed his mind about his involvement with Will? Had he broken it off not only with her but their child as well? He’d been so adamant about being involved, but with the change in their relationship, had he decided staying away was better? That decision was his. Gabe would have to approach her about it, not the other way around.
Because of Will, she and Gabe would always be connected. She would have to figure out some way to control her emotions when they had to meet. Even though she was certain a little bit of her would die each time they did, knowing the happiness she’d once shared with Gabe was gone.
At her obstetrician visit, the doctor was concerned about her weight loss. She promised to take better care of herself. Only with great effort did she make herself eat and do what was necessary for the baby’s health.
She’d not heard or seen Gabe since he’d left. The day he’d come to pick up his clothes, she’d noticed his car in the drive and had driven around the neighborhood until it had gone. Now she’d do almost anything for a glimpse of him. Even when she visited Mr. Luther she’d not seen Gabe.
It didn’t take Mr. Luther long to zoom in on her unhappiness. As she would have guessed, he commented on it.
“What’s wrong with you?” he asked as she wrapped the blood-pressure cuff around his arm.
“Nothing.”
“Yeah, there is. You’ve got that pitiful look. Usually you come in here with a smile on your face. I bet your face would break if you smiled right now.”
“I think we should concentrate on how you’re doing.” She pumped the bulb attached to the cuff.
For once Zoe wished Mr. Luther would go back to being the sad, self-centered man she’d known before the transplant. At least he wouldn’t be focused on her.
“You know, the doc doesn’t look much happier when he comes in.”
He didn’t? Why did the idea make Zoe’s heart beat a little fast? Maybe Gabe was as miserable as she was. Zoe continued to do vitals. “I’m sorry to hear that.”
“You two have a fight or something?”
“Mr. Luther, I appreciate your concern, but Dr. Marks and I are fine.”
He grunted. “Don’t look fine to me. That baby deserves happy parents.”
That statement Zoe couldn’t argue with.
On the way home that afternoon, she stopped by to visit her mother. Now that Gabe wasn’t at the house, Zoe had made a habit of going each afternoon. Going home to Gabe’s house wasn’t comforting for her. It was just a place to lay her head, no longer the place of dreams it had once been.
With the exception of the one escape episode, her mother seemed to have stabilized and was thriving since moving to Shorecliffs. She seemed more aware, and despite most of what she talked about being in the past, it at least made sense. With her confusion remaining at bay for the time being, Zoe’s guilt had eased. Her mother was as happy as she could be.
Today her mom was well dressed and sitting in a cushioned chair in the lobby. There were a number of other residents there as well. Zoe took an empty chair beside her. “Hey, Mom, how’re you today?”
Her mother smiled.
The tightness in Zoe’s shoulders eased. Her mother was having a good day. There was a sparkle in her eyes, not the dull look of reality slipping away. “I’m fine. How’re you?”
Zoe ran her hand over her extended middle. “Me too.”
“Baby?” her mother asked.
“Yes, I’m having a baby.” Zoe had to remind her almost every visit. Anything that had happened recently her mother couldn’t remember, but she could recall almost anything in detail from her childhood. “He’s growing.”
“Your daddy and I had a big fight about you.”
Was she making that up? Zoe had never heard this story. To her knowledge, they had never fought.
“He was mad when I told him I was going to have a baby. He didn’t want a family.” Her mother’s face took on a faraway look.
“Mom, I’ve never heard you say anything like that before.”
“That’s not something you tell a child. A baby should be wanted. Loved.”
A deep sadness filled her. “He didn’t want me?”
“After you came he loved you dearly, but he never adjusted to family life. He was always looking for a way out.”
Was she expecting Gabe to embrace an ideal he wanted nothing to do with? Was she asking the impossible from him? Was that why he had left? They had been happy together for two weeks without more commitment. Could she settle for that if it meant having Gabe in her life? Her child having a full-time father?
Was there some way she could convince Gabe she would take him any way she could get him? Make him feel like what he could give was plenty.
* * *
Gabe searched the patient’s open abdomen. Something was wrong. He could feel it.
“Suction.” He looked again. Nothing. The surgery was going by the textbook. So why the nagging feeling?
The phone on the OR wall rang. One of the nurses answered. “Dr. Marks.” The nurse held out the receiver. “Do you know a Zoe Avery?”
“Yes. Why?” Was the baby coming? It was too early. It was at least another six weeks away.
“This is the ER calling.”
Gabe’s heart went into his throat.
The nurse continued, sounding perplexed. “They said they found your card in her purse. She’d had a bad car accident.”
Zoe hurt! The baby?
Gabe looked at Dr. Webber standing on the other side of the surgery table. He was more than qualified to handle the rest of the operation. Gabe had to get out of there. See about Zoe. He spoke to the fellow. “You’ve got this. I gotta go.” Gabe didn’t wait for a response before he hurried out the doors, leaving them swinging. Zoe needed him and he would be there for her and Will this time.
He flipped his surgical headlamp up on his head and didn’t bother to remove his gown as he raced toward the staff stairs that would get him the two flights down faster than the elevator. Less than a minute later he burst through the ER doors, one of them hitting the wall.
“Whoa,” one of the techs said as he put his hand out to stop Gabe. “Can I help you, Doctor?”
Gabe pushed the man’s arm away. “Where’s Zoe Avery?”
“Let me check the board.” The
tech turned to the large whiteboard on the wall. “Trauma Six.”
Gabe looked around wildly. “Where’s that?”
“This way. You must be new here. Were you called in to consult?”
“No. She’s my...uh...” What did he call Zoe? His friend, girlfriend, lover, the mother of his baby? Thankfully he didn’t have to explain more before they reached the room. Gabe rushed inside.
His heart sank and his belly roiled. The stretcher was surrounded by people working on Zoe. Two different monitors beeped, one giving Zoe’s heart rate and the other the baby’s. Oxygen hissed as the doctor gave orders.
With his gut churning with fear at what he might see, Gabe stepped closer. “Zoe.” Her name was barely a whisper over his lips.
The doctors and nurses were so busy they didn’t even respond to him. Gabe looked over one of their shoulders. Zoe’s eyes were closed and she wore an oxygen mask. Around it and beneath he could see her pale, bruised skin. Her right arm lay to her side with an air cast on it. The real focus was on Zoe’s leg. There was a large gash on her thigh.
“We need to get her to surgery, stat. She’s lost a lot of blood. Do we have a next of kin?”
“I’m it,” Gabe said. “She’s my girlfriend.”
The ER doctor turned and looked up and down at Gabe. “Aren’t you Dr. Marks?”
“I am.”
“Okay. Let’s get her up to the OR,” the doctor ordered. To Gabe he said, “You take care of the paperwork and the surgeon will be out to speak to you in the waiting room.”
“I’ll see him in Recovery,” Gabe shot back. He watched helplessly as Zoe was pushed away. The first chance he had to tell her how he felt about her he was going to. If she would have him, he’d promise to do whatever he could to make her happy.
* * *
Zoe worked at opening her eyes. Why were they so heavy? Someone held her hand. She shifted. That hurt.
“Don’t move, honey.”
That voice. She knew that voice. Gabe.
Dreaming, that was what she was doing. Her eyes fluttered closed.
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