by Jess Kolbe
I say aloud “Fuck it!” before running to Sam. He laughs and opens those arms for me to be swallowed in, home. My God, he feels good, so good. As I think it, he says it out loud. I reach under his shirt for his skin, stretching my hands all over, to his back. It’s not enough. I want more of his skin, more of him against my skin.
“Sam, take your shirt off,” I request, as I’m already taking off mine, “I would like to cuddle.”
Smiling, he follows my lead and I feel like I’m endeavouring to wrap myself in him and it’s not enough, I want more of him, I need more. I stop thinking and just go with my body, removing the rest of my clothes before dropping his pants to the floor. He’s excited and gives me a look as his eyes change, expressing his want. It’s a look that sets me on fire. Standing apart at first pausing, taking each other in. Suddenly, a wave of vulnerability spreads throughout me, maybe both of us? He reaches for my hand and I give it to him, he then places over his heart. It’s beating a million miles a minute. He reaches out and holds my heart in his hand. It’s beautiful. A silent tear rolls down my face in joy and knowing we can get back here. He looks exposed and unsure, feeling the gravity of our connection and love in the air. He pulls my body to him and we embrace. My mind owns me at first, internal fear saying, ‘you’re crazy, you’re stupid, what the hell are you doing?’ Just fear attempting to sabotage our moment. I allow these thoughts to roll on by, not engaging with them and they run out of energy. The thoughts quieten and emotion shows up in waves pulsing from my heart, from Sam’s hand still holding my heart, connection embraced, and it feels like it is coming from both of us.
I’m present in love and the fear is gone.
I tilt my head up to him. His eyes are closed at first, but then he opens, gazing deep into me. I feel our love as a thing, as an expression. Right now, I’m wholeheartedly content. This is our love being expressed.
I kiss his chest, his skin, and I can see just how much this has also meant to him. Intrinsically, he knew this was different and he is slowly getting used to my unusual requests, as am I. Naked, in the hallway of my home, I stand cuddled with the love of my life. I feel his love, I feel close to him. Our connection swirls around us. I’m able to share my love with him, hold him and our flow, while we hold our love in our hearts. His trust of me and willingness to explore a deeper level of intimacy has me beyond words to describe how I feel about this man. He is more than enough. We held each other’s hearts without the need for sex. We just experienced a moment of pure connection, safety, and love. It was not about me or him, it was about ‘our’ us, our love. While dressing, he looks at me and says, “I’d be okay if we did that again.”
My response is simple: “Please.”
We finish dinner and there is a softer feel to us, a comfortable flow to our interactions. Sam grabs my hand, sliding his fingers down the inside of my arm, another trademark move. It’s one I adore, after learning it began from his nervousness and missing when he tried to grab my hand. “Come to bed.”
We walk to my bedroom. Sam stands back watching me, turning the lamp on, light off, pulling the covers off the bed. He mirrors my movements in undressing, he kneels in the middle of the bed, with his hand outstretched to help me kneel in front of him. He’s serious and yet feels quite playful. I feel him calling forth the lover that exists within me. Naked in front of him, face to face without words. The space building the fire that exists between us, he is fixed on connection, I feel the scared flicker within me as he is holding this space, holding my hand, feeling him sharing his tenderness. Sam touches my hips, drawing me closer, adjusting himself to align our bodies, wrapping his amazing arms around me. A gentle hug encased in him and my heart is beaming. My hands naturally wrap around his back, my head resting into his neck. I could stay in his man cocoon forever. It’s quite some time before Sam releases a reluctant me from those arms, that chest. I’m unable to hide my bliss, he kisses me softly and lies me down.
Still not a word uttered, he traces my stomach with his fingers, kissing my body, my nipples ever so lightly, watching my reaction to every touch. He moves my legs apart, kissing my thighs, slowly applying pressure to my inner things, playing with pressure and my reactions to him. Sam drapes his body over me, and my body opens to him.
Sam speaks, “slowly, let’s take our time.”
I’m not sure I can, the tenderness is wonderful and yet the flicker is now anxiety, the vulnerability is becoming too much. My thoughts start pleading with me to stay with Sam, to follow him, to feel comfortable with him. This level of emotional nakedness is confronting, and fear is growing in my belly. Sam clearly can feel the change in my body, in me and he rolls off me. I use this as an opportunity to take control to shift the focus to him. I traverse his body as he did me, listening to his quiet moans, allowing them to guide me, to push him, what I know he likes, what I know will end this quickly. And he lets me.
I turned something beautiful into a fuck. I wonder if he is disappointed, full well knowing that he is frustrated with me and my anxiety. I can’t have him show me too much care, he can’t be so good to me. This is ridiculous. I know, I avoid affection from Sam, the exposure of my emotions, of letting go in trust, terrifying. Fuck what am I doing? I can’t have him care about me. My thoughts don’t help. I’ve made our love making all about him, controlling the level of intimacy. I’m doing my best and a different kind of sadness engulfs me, shuddering my insides, as I’m wrapped in him holding me while sleeping. Shame.
Early on Sunday morning, Sam suggests we head to the local beach, to our spot, where he found me. It has become a little ritual for us to stretch out in the sun, on our rug, soaking in the rays and swimming in the ocean. It has become a healing spot for both of us. It’s lovely to connect here after the last six months of intensity and emotion.
On the beach, Sam sits up suddenly. Looking at me, he says, “Evie, I want to tell you a few things. I would like you to please listen and let me finish and then I would love to hear your thoughts.”
His formal type request places the fear of God into me and after last night. I take a deep breath, sit up and attempt to prepare myself. My body has just frozen, completely rigid, in panic, I am a deer frozen in headlights.
He begins. “Remember the discussion we had in the car after the restaurant, it felt like you were trying to work me or soften the blow or something. When you were trying to tell me you needed time to nourish yourself? Well sometimes it’s like half of the conversation we have has already happened in your head before I even become aware of it. It’s like you have already discussed it with me, and you’ve decided how I am going to respond. I guess it’s like you have already made my mind up that I will take it badly and begin talking to me from that point. I hear you clearly that there is something big you want to share with me. I need you to understand there is no pressure to tell me, ever. Tell me, or don’t tell me, tell me in 50 years. It has no right here with us. My relationship is with you and is not determined on what you have to tell me. Yes, as you said the other day things will upset me, and that is actually a reflection of how I feel about you, so be raw, argue with me, stop trying to protect me from your past. It is in the past for a reason and I am your future. I want you to know I will hold you.”
His voice shakes with emotion.
“I will hold your hand, naked cuddle you, all of you, heart, body and soul as you say, in my way, the way my feelings develop. You need to let my affection grow for you how it needs to evolve, not the version you are creating in your head. Fuck, I am now doing what you do, rambling! Seeking some reassurance from you after asking you to listen to me!”
He reaches to hold my hand as tears are stream down my face, and I’m smiling internally at my beautiful vulnerable Sam. Wondering how lucky I am, because he is right. I nod at him, encouraging him to continue.
Fuck, in this moment I realise that all that I have been doing in the way of healing and practicing how to love, has actually just kept me in the thinking of things rather than in
the feeling of the present and feeling with Sam.
Sam says it is now time for our trust and bond to develop another layer. We talk together about what that actually looks like, in complete honesty. Unguarded communication takes hold of us both. Freely expressing our internal thoughts, good, bad, indifferent. My God, I learn so much of my man, and him of me. We were both trying to be ever so careful of each other, that we failed to talk.
We soak in the sun, with a side of naked cuddling in the dunes. It feels like this man has climbed into my skin and understood me, accepted me, and kissed all my hurts, slain my monsters and freed my caged heart.
We leave the beach renewed and head to Sam’s house. As we arrive, I am reminded instantly by my body that she remembers how he touched me the last time I was in this room. How his touch owned me, holding me firmly against the kitchen bench, how it felt, the power in him, the warmth of that memory is lighting me up. I look to Sam, walking towards him, standing close, without touching.
I ask Sam if I may please kiss him? He smiles and nods with permission. I place my hand on those shoulders and feel his lips with mine, tasting him playfully and gently. I step back from him saying, “Thank you, Sam.”
He clears his throat, grabbing hold of my hand. “Evie,” all gentlemen like, “Can I make love to you?” Tears well, in my eyes as he said, ‘make love.’ Sam feels my recognition.
Leaning forward, he whispers “yes, make love.”
I nod. He takes my hand, guiding me into his bedroom. Sam takes his time undressing me, scattering kisses over my body, calling my love to him, claiming my body, my heart and my soul in this new layer of honest love.
He kneels before me, slightly moving my legs apart, kissing my inner thighs, smiling at me. I am literally all giggles from his light touch, until he holds my hips firmly and summons my wild self through pleasure. The sensation of Sam’s tongue tasting me, his fingers. I instantly surrender myself to him. I am a ragdoll at the mercy of this man, and I feel worshipped, honoured, losing the ability to stand as he sucks on me hard. He holds me in this sacred space of bare emotion, expressed. I reach for him. His wanting written all over his face. I push him hard against my womanly centre, sliding myself down his body so I can take all of him into me. We find our flow quickly. I anchor to my man and we come together, surrendered, with raw groans from us both.
Sam stays inside me until my body finishes her aftershocks. He says the experience of my throbbing lady parts feels incredible in the aftermath of our love making. This is also the moment I feel ever so close to Sam. We both feel it, beginning to freely talk about it. Our conversation continues just as we are, in our raw selves, emotions expressed, playful stroking, lingering fingertips, tender kisses. I share with him my fears of being too damaged and he shares his feelings of being not enough. We genuinely listen to each other, not completely knowing the other story and still very able to understand the battles of inadequacy. Sam and I spend the afternoon in absolute vulnerability, honestly soothing each other’s hurts.
“I am not BROKEN!” said aloud and embraced. Sam never argues with me about my feelings, my fears. He has never said my feelings are wrong or silly, he acknowledges them. He listens and holds my hand. This is most precious healing gift I have ever felt. Slightly snoozing after my mental exposure and deep in felt emotion, while Sam declares “Food! Feed the man.”
I laugh and ask if we can shower together first, to wash a little of the emotion off. I want to bring him into how I manage my emotional self, how I fight back from my fears and how I embrace my emotional experiences by finding ways to acknowledge and spend them, like holding my heart with soothing water. Sam holds me while the water washes away the intensity of our day. Between, the strength of this man and the water, I have no words to describe, how cherished I feel. The silky feel of the water and his touch, my body covered in goosebumps and heat simultaneously, the ability to be held and not have to hold myself.
As we leave the house in search of food, I can feel some waves of angst, some over exposed, a new skin, our new level of honesty, I guess. I am walking in the new skin, like a new pair of shoes, and it’s painful at first. I begin over thinking and vocally state “Stop!” reaching for Sam’s hand.
He holds my hand tightly and says, “I know. I felt the uncomfortable space too, it’s okay. Just ride the wave with me, beautiful.” Finishing with a supportive kiss on the back of my hand, it’s enough encouragement for me. We are sitting, waiting for the food to arrive when it dawns on me that I am releasing years of pain, of trauma, and learning to love instead of bear the pain. I’m opening parts of me that have never seen daylight and that it will feel completely foreign and painful to me, as until now I’ve never been loved correctly. ‘Time, Evie, time!’ I reassure myself and feel proud of what I am achieving in love. Not all of this is connected to Sam, and I am learning to love after being damaged. Wait, not damaged, injured, now mending and more than enough.
LOVING. LOUDLY.
It’s late and I am awake, feeling my pain and monsters standing over me. Sam is next to me and I am still trying to protect him. Why am I still doing this? I’ve been so good lately and I’m being stalked by my monsters. Some days I feel like I am winning and others… It was a shit night. I was completely stupid; I wonder how much longer he will put up with me?
I know my fear thinking is here, I know those monsters are attempting to take control, to push him away. I can’t stop them dragging me into the depths of despair. My body is pained, muscles completely engaged, while feeling the sensations of love next to me. I feel like my body has an entire story that I have never read before. I feel empowered and trapped by this past that is dragging me down, like I am struggling to swim in deep water; one-minute feeling free and the next being dragged to the bottom. I am surrounded by this beauty and yet this darkness is consistently haunting me. Am I even worthy of him? Can I truly love him? My demons came out strong tonight, but hope shines amidst my innermost thoughts. Those demons are making their loudest cry before I banish them. Encouraging thoughts and breathing through my torment.
“You are worthy.” Battling my mind, battling my fears.
Left over shakiness from being triggered earlier reminding me that my pain won tonight. I froze in a full-blown memory, I didn’t see Sam, I saw my monster, I shut down all of me. I did not have control, I tried to undo, it was like I became a witness to the moment, and no amount of pleading or strategies could get me out of that dark hole. My protection mode came on and turned everything off, and I just functioned in a zombie-like state. I engaged with Sam, although in a very mechanical way, without connection. I pulled the ‘I have a headache’ card and went to bed.
He knows. It’s 3am and here I am waiting for emotional exhaustion to take me off to sleep. I’m trying to make myself small to hide from Sam. My shame, the unworthiness I feel. How could I do this to him? A storm swirls around outside the window, joining with the one inhabiting me. The droplets comfort my skin.
I sit up to close the window before it wakes Sam. He is awake and reaches over the top of me to close the window, frustratedly telling me to ‘let me.’ I knew he was awake! He was too quiet, usually he is a noisy breather in his sleep. Sam stretches out with a reassuring touch. “How is your head?”
I immediately tell him. “I don’t have a headache, I was triggered earlier and couldn’t escape it, and then I didn’t know how to get back to you, it really all happened on its own and I really didn’t know how to come back to you. My fears and monsters won today.”
He simply says “I know. Can I hold you?”
I curl myself into him immediately and say, “I am trying.” He pulls me closer and I kiss him, holding his lips in mine.
He acknowledges my efforts and that he is proud of me. It dawns on me that my monsters are not allowed here. They are not welcome in my world with Sam and I am going to fight back, take my world back. I am not going to make myself small for them, they no longer rule here.
“Sam, I’m goin
g to love you so loudly my monsters run and hide.”
I grab his hand and drag him out of bed. “Please indulge me.”
I walk us outside to the patio in the rain. I pull over a chair and sit him down. I’m standing over him, the rain is heavy now, the storm building both inside and outside me. We are both totally naked and covered in goose bumps from the slight chill in the air, as the light from the kitchen guides my heart. Every part of me feels alive. The sensation of him, the exposure to the elements. His piercing eyes are alive. The rain stings my body with every droplet, as the heat builds between us, pausing in this instant of us. Steam rises from our skin, from the anticipation of us in desire. My womanly self is here to claim her man. I massage myself against his manhood, the way I know he likes, calling him to me. My body and heart are openly free from fear, free from my monsters, choosing how to love and choosing what my world with Sam is. I clumsily take as much of my man as I can. We are eye to eye, announcing to the world that this is our love. Sam seizes my hips and sets the flow, the rhythm of us. As he deepens his reach inside me, groaning loudly, he asserts his claim to me and to the world. “They can’t have you anymore!” We express ourselves freely and show my monsters they can’t exist here anymore. I out love them by claiming the love within me, accepting myself, while my beautiful man anchors me and we purposefully come together, owning our space, as we are love embodied. Sam and I hold each other tightly, my heart pressed over his, letting the rain wash over us as we recover from our orgasms, feeling his heart beating against mine.
I look to Sam and tell him it is this tenderness and acceptance of expression right now that holds my vulnerabilities that tells me it’s okay. That five minutes where we are simply felt emotion together, that is my love received. A shiver runs through my body. Sam lifts me up, walking in silence to our bed, both ending up on the same side of the bed. Sam lays down, pulling me on alongside him and ushers me to rest part of my chest on him. “Evie, like your heart outside, I want to fall asleep feeling the sensation of your heart beating next to mine. It’s like our naked cuddling but better.”